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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
Holly60 · 24/09/2021 17:34

Put your children first. Don’t move. You are very selfish

Cheeseplantboots · 24/09/2021 17:34

As long as he’s happy then I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. He’s 17 ffs you probably hardly see him anyway!

God these threads are ridiculous! My mum started a new business over 200 mikes away when I was 16 so left the family home with my dad and two younger brothers. I could easily have gone with her but I didn’t want to so I stayed in the house and my parents paid the mortgage and bills until I moved out at 23. I’m alive to tell the tale and didn’t feel abandoned!

Briony123 · 24/09/2021 17:37

@EveningOverRooftops

"Went to my own parents evenings. That was fucking bizarre let me tell you."

That is just so incredibly sad 😞
(Although I wish I'd opened my GCSE results alone. Boy, did the shit hit the fan! 😂)

HalzTangz · 24/09/2021 17:37

I have just read your other posts.

I'm curious how you think they will split the bills and rent when just 12 months ago you were complaining that your eldest does nothing around the house and barely paid his monthly board, yet this thread claims he thinks the best thing for your family is your 17 year old living with him

QueenofDestruction · 24/09/2021 17:40

This is one of the most selfish things I have ever read on MN, no you don't adore your children, you only say you do, because anyone who would act the way you and your dp are do not adore their children but adore themselves.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2021 17:42

So moving in together means you'll both be unable to have your 16/17 yo kids living with you. So the message is hey, you're NEARLY an adult so you're now less important than my love life.
. I think you're both in the wrong
You don't have capacity to live together. In a few years, you will

lunar1 · 24/09/2021 17:46

So you want to ditch your 17 year old, ask tax payers to support him all for the sake of your sex life?

CorpusCallosum · 24/09/2021 17:49

Hi @Teesstar

I don't think your son will be damaged. But, my mum moved out Mon-Thurs to do a job in another city when I was 17. A lot of the time it was great for me, I got more freedom and independence. But there were other times when I just wanted my mum and she wasn't there. The phone or being nearby is not the same as being there and I was sad about it. After that experience I know I wouldn't do it to my children.

Plus, I know she later regretted it as she 'missed out' on my last year at home.

The overwhelming response here should just giving you the pause for thought about whether this and whether right now is the right thing for you and your family.

SafeMove · 24/09/2021 17:58

For fucks sake. You asked, we gave you an answer. You berate us for answering a question you asked! You @ me trying to justify it by saying you all have to make changes. YOU ARE CHOOSING IT, THE DC ARE NOT.

There is something seriously amiss OP. Your lack of self awareness is pretty astounding.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 24/09/2021 17:58

If this guy REALLY loves you, he'll be happy to wait. Please DON'T make the mistake of putting him first, I did and have very much lived to regret it!

CandyLeBonBon · 24/09/2021 18:00

Please don't do it. My mum did it to me and it had lasting consequences

ManifestDestinee · 24/09/2021 18:13

This reply has been deleted

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HalzTangz · 24/09/2021 18:14

What do your parents say about this OP? Are they happy for their grandkids to live in the house without their parent (let's hope they don't throw wild parties and get into drugs like their dad did)

Sidehustle99 · 24/09/2021 18:33

You have raised your boys in an abusive household and now you want to cut them loose. These boys have been let down first of all but their abusive DF and now by you for even considering this as an option.
You need to find a solution where your families can live together without change to current arrangements of wait until they have moved on in their own time.
Pushing them out of the figurative door will destroy your relationship with all of your DC. Maybe not this week or this year but when they have their own vulnerable DC and realise what you have done.
Any partner that demands this of you is being unreasonable. I wonder if you have settled again for an abusive partner? Maybe not the same behaviours but it does smack of coercive control and I could not be attracted to man man to eager to ditch his DC.
He's already failed at 2 families - please don't tell me it wasn't his fault because I really don't care. Is this really how you want to raise your younger DC also - survivors guilt/the favourite?
A couple of years is nothing if you have endured years previously. Honestly I would be questioning the whole relationship based on the suggestion of this as an option.
I think you know this already otherwise why seek the validation - YABU and you need to take a good look at yourself - these are your kids FFS

ChequerBoard · 24/09/2021 18:37

I guess OP is making good on her thread of last year titled 'Does Anyone Else Wish They Could Just Move Out'.

You have previously described your eldest son as lazy, that he leaves the house in a tip and that the next eldest is constantly stoned and the house stinks of weed.

These are the role models you want to leave to adult your 17 year old??

Notmoresugar · 24/09/2021 18:41

@Teesstar
...." I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too!"

You made your own decisions and bed @Teesstar - it's not your DS's fault he was brought into all of that. I'm sure it wouldn't have been very nice for him either.

At 17 he's far too young and vulnerable.

I think you are being very selfish and I don't think you're even aware of the wider negative implications this could have on your DS in the future.

ManifestDestinee · 24/09/2021 18:44

Christ, a scan of OP's ealier threads makes this all so much worse! A year ago she was single so this new guy really is a new guy....and her sons have a heroin addict excon for a father (some of them) and they have mental health issues and she says the older ones are awful....
WTF?

noprofessional · 24/09/2021 18:45

So because your sons father is shit you feel justified in giving up on him too. Nice one!
See you back here in about...10 years when you're wondering why your adult son has nothing to do with you.

Mickarooni · 24/09/2021 18:50

This isn’t hate, this is advice.

Your son has a father who isn’t supportive and appears not to massively care. Up until now, he had stability with you. By doing this, you are destabilising him and he’s far too young to be left.

You love your partner…? Great! Then you can both wait until your children are older. If your son can pop over for dinner, then your partner can do so instead. You can see your partner several times a week and live with your child. That’s my advice. It’s not hate, it’s based on life experience.

finallyme2018 · 24/09/2021 18:52

I promise you if you put your wants and your partner wants before actually finishing raising your son. My mum said similar what about my happiness what about me when I was 18. You know what actually ended up happen was whilst we had a relationship we were not close to the point she didn't even know what I was naming my son for months. It seriously damage a once close relationship we had and led me to being in therapy. So by all means move in but don't kid yourself that your kids will be understanding about it. Because 18 years later I still don't understand putting a guy before your kids ever.

thebookworm1 · 24/09/2021 18:56

I’m really surprised at everyone’s reaction. In Scotland, people leave for uni at 17. I moved abroad alone at 17. It’s not like things magically change at 18. If he’s mature living a mile away from his mother and still with family sounds like a pretty comfortable situation.

SunscreenCentral · 24/09/2021 19:00

Nope. Big nope.

JustLyra · 24/09/2021 19:00

@thebookworm1

I’m really surprised at everyone’s reaction. In Scotland, people leave for uni at 17. I moved abroad alone at 17. It’s not like things magically change at 18. If he’s mature living a mile away from his mother and still with family sounds like a pretty comfortable situation.
There’s a massive difference between a teenager nearing 18 going off to Uni through choice and a 17 & 16 year old basically being kicked out by their respecting parents because they want to shack up with their new partner of less than a year
JustLyra · 24/09/2021 19:03

*respective

mbosnz · 24/09/2021 19:07

I've got a very mature 17 year old, very focussed on her studies. Would I leave her for more than a weekend, alone? No. Because she'd eat crap, get tired, miss school, and make the very poor life choices that most 17 year olds would make, without the resigned and dogmatic guidance of a parent. And sometimes, she comes home, and she just needs Mum or Dad, to be there, to listen, to cry on. And sometimes, we get the panicked phone call, 'Things are out of control, I can't cope, can you come and get me'.

They still need the safety net.