Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

I also think pp are missing the point that blending families isn't easy and doesn't always work.

That's why it makes sense to try it for maybe a year.

I live in a very secure rental, the fear of giving that up and the relationship then breaking down and returning to a place where I may have to move every six months and the cost that come with is huge.

As I suggested before, offer to pay half your existing costs and put the extra away for the future, you can either put these towards a shared home or use it to revoke yourself.

I get it, sometimes you have to take a risk but it's scary

I noticed you said he has asked for half your old rental payments not a 50/50 contribution to his mortgage?

Is paying him half the value of your old rent, equal to half his mortgage payment?

For example, if your old rent was £1000 pm, he's asking for a £500 contribution.

If his mortgage is £1000 pm, that seems fair. If his mortgage is £500pm then not so fair, you're paying it for him and if it's £1500 per month then he's being quite generous.

I would go 50/50 on all food and bills too. My partner lives with me and we do a strict 50/50 split.

I'd pay half the rate of a lodger would in that area.

As you will not be getting your own room and probably be cooking and cleaning for an additional person.

Half the expenses, and not pay half for things like sky etc that would not normally be a part of your expenditure anyway.

When DH moved in with me he would pay for all the groceries and pick up additional expenses as at the time him moving in meant I lost some benefits.
He didn't pay towards my mortgage, he wasn't on it, but he picked up the household expenses so he wasn't saving loads whilst my outgoings went up.

We shared the household tasks and that's continued.

He also paid for sky as that was his own thing and my DC and I were fine without it, except when we got it my youngest would watch the kids channels.

I don't think there is a right wrong answer. But I think he has the right to ask you to pay rent. You have thd right to refuse and make your own housing arrangements

My boyfriend (now husband) paid me rent when he first moved in with me. I’d previously had a lodger who paid me rent.

I think it’s fair for you to pay your way. You shouldn’t be out of pocket but I don’t see why you think you should live rent free.

Op, be very careful. If you do move in with him, and he should (god forbid) pass away, you can be thrown out of his house by the mortgage company - unless he has got insurance to pay off the mortgage, and written a will stating that you own the property on his death...

Sorry to raise that spectre, but it's worth considering.

Write down all the house related costs, halve it, pay that. If you can afford it, include the price of a cleaner for 2h every couple of weeks.

Or

Rent a new property together, rent out his place & when you've decided whether it's going to work or not, get married and buy a property together or go your seperate ways. I get the feeling moving into 'his' house is going to cause problems for both of you.

Sorry you're getting flamed on here OP.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and discuss everything in a non-confrontational way. Current issues are:

1. Housework. Now I know you have said you'll do everything, but I really think you need to make it clear that this must be 50/50. You're giving him the green light to do absolutely zero. You're working and have a child. That's enough to be keeping you busy! All other household tasks should be split 50/50. You DO NOT have to take this burden from him. It DOES NOT make you a better partner. Stand your ground and demand equality. Otherwise you're essentially working a double shift, one paid one unpaid. Do not become his bloody house keeper!

1. Money. The easiest thing to protect you would be to head to the registry office and have a cheapo service. You can always do the "big wedding" bit later. If you suggest this and he says no, think very hard about why he is saying no and what that means for your relationship.

If the wedding isn't going to work then I suggest he moves in with you for the 'trial'. He could let his house for 6 months to cover mortgage and moving costs. Ok you might not have so much space, but it's worth it.

You're right to be wary of moving in with him. If you move into his and contribute to the mortgage and bills, he can kick you out whenever he likes for any reason. The house you would have contributed to financially and otherwise would be taken away and you would have very little legal standing to get any equity from the house.

Good luck OP.

In the scenario you are suggesting he will benefit from paying off more of his mortgage but you will benefit from the use of his house at a discount to what you would have to pay in rent elsewhere. Perhaps put the difference in a savings account for if things don't work out. Until you either marry or buy together you effectively have separate finances. If you don’t contribute towards your accommodation and you do decide to split he will have effectively subsidised you for what benefit to him? Unfortunately there is a cost for accommodation, usually after you have left your parents house.

*I would also be wary that he wants to make a profit out of you.

He wants half of what you're saving, but what about all he is saving by having you pay half of bills?*

The op wants to make a profit from him too, by not contributing to the cost of housing for her and her child, taking advantage of the fact that her bf has a mortgaged house and is being actively encouraged on this thread to build up a nest egg in her name only so that she has it if the relationship fails.

@TwinsandTrifle

He wants me to pay half of what I’m ‘saving’ so in effect that’s already £700, plus half of all the bills… some of which I would not have in my own home (expensive sky tv package, much, much higher bills and council tax). I currently live in a flat and him a 4 bedroom house.

So at the moment, you rent for £1400, and cover all of your food and bills for you and DC. Let's call that £2000 in total (just to make it a round figure)

He wants you to contribute £700 to his mortgage. So in order for you not to financially benefit from this, the portion of bills and food you'd be paying would have to go beyond £1300 for that to happen? Let's say they are now £800 a month, whereas they were £600 before. You're still better off by £500 overall.

Then for him, let's say his mortgage is £2k and his bills for him and DC have been £1k.

He asks you to move in, and his bills (to match your 50% contribution) are £800. And you contribute £700 to the mortgage. So he's £900 better off.

Is it that you think you should both benefit by the same monetary amount? Because you're both benefitting already either way.

Its not just about the money - its about the OP and her DC giving up their current home and security to invest in this trial period whilst he risks nothing and gains a financial benefit.

The home and security risk is the bigger issue to me..

If he wants you to pay half the rent, then surely you should have a tenancy contract? I’m no expert in this but I would look into it.

He’s getting quite the deal if you move in and agree to his plan, isn’t he? Half his mortgage and expenses paid, all his food bought, and a cook/cleaner/childcare thrown in…I would rethink this, if I were you.

Tricky. I can see your point but paying half of all his / your combined living expenses seems reasonable, since you do intend to be together in the future.

What about each of you paying the same amount / proportion of earnings into a shared account to save up for your own home? He will certainly be saving a lot if you are paying half as you won't be doubling the costs by living there. Can you also save or will your expenses be similar to what they are with the flat?

This is interesting, OP. It surrounds the law when one owns the property and the partner pays bills, etc:

www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

The easiest thing to protect you would be to head to the registry office and have a cheapo service. You can always do the "big wedding" bit later. If you suggest this and he says no, think very hard about why he is saying no and what that means for your relationship.

This advice is absolutely nuts. No one should marry someone without living with them first!!! Do not do this!!

I wouldn’t want to be contributing to someone’s mortgage if I had no stake in it or the property, unless I was, literally, just a lodger which you are not.

I would hold off and buy a place together.

He’s making a lot of money out of you, isn’t he. Mortgage halved but still owns 100 per cent, bills halved including his expensive packages - great.

No food bills! No housework!! What’s not to love.

When my partner moved in with me, we split housework and bills 50/50, but she paid no rent at all and didn't pay for the mortgage. We got married 5 years later. 5 years later, when she decided she wanted to leave (no affairs, no infidelity, no fault), she argued that she should have half the worth of the house.

It's very sad but your boyfriend is not being completely unreasonable.

@girlmom21 sorry I was meaning / assuming all bills would be split in proportion to earnings, rent included. That way all are better off

I wouldn’t consider paying half rent PLUS all food. Sorry if I wasn’t clear or misunderstood

Both parties should pay their way. To try to evade this would lead me to re-consider

If you're long term committed why not set up a joint account and both contribute in enough to cover bills, food and mortgage then keep the rest? Is half his mortgage less than your current rent?

I think if he wants you to pay rent, then you should have your own room.
Think really carefully about what you both want, because I think its perfectly fair if you say that this isnt convenient for you and apart from a symbolic feeling of progress in the relationship, ie moving in together, in every other way here youll be worse off. Less convenient, less protection, less space for your stuff, less free time, more houswork, higher bills.
Id personally stay put in your rented house for now.

I just don't think you're ready to move in together if this conversation is not properly resolved.

Personally, I'd suggest keeping your rental property, move in to his on a trial basis splitting food/bills based in earnings proportions - but not rent/mortgage.

See how you get on and then decide. This means you'll still have the security of your rental to go back to if it does not end well. You'll also see what the real cost of living together is.

I also think the 100% housework agreement is batshit.

If you’re working and have a child you are not doing 100% no matter what your hours are.

I had this issue, the difference was that we got married before I moved in and gave up my own rented flat (which I loved). Prior to that we'd split our time between the two places. We agreed that all equity in the house before I moved in is his but once i'd moved in and was contributing to the mortgage we would share costs equally and benefit equally. I think it is a bit of a warning sign if that's not an option tbh! People are comparing this to a situation where you would be renting anyway but it feels less secure than that because your landlord is also your partner and if you break up you will lose your place to live.

The idea of putting the rent money in a (shared?) savings account is a good one but i'd still be a bit wary if it seems like marriage is not on the table.

I think it's fair...... Youre going to be saving money as its half the rent.

Id make it clear I wouldn't be paying towards his expensive luxuries such as the sky package tho. If he wants stuff like that then he needs to pay for it alone.