Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

Do you not realise how lucky you are?

If your BF was in a rental property you wouldn’t even be having this discussion with him as it would be up to his LL whether you could move in or not. Also, you would HAVE to pay rent/living costs, there would be no choice in the matter.

But just because he’s been smart/lucky enough to buy his own house you think he should pay for you to live there. I think if your BF came across this thread he’d be having serious doubts.

Joint account for food & household items.
Rent costs towards mortgage but not more than you're currently paying in rent.

@DrGoogleSaysSo

He could rent out his house to cover his mortgage that way, and then you and him could rent a house together somewhere convenient for both and split the bills.

I think this is the best solution really. Surely it’s much fairer if you find somewhere that suits you both and rent together, somewhere that is within born of your means and you can share the practical load more fairly. I’d bet he’s not up for that though.

Even teen/young adults pay their parents rent to live in their house. Why wouldn't you, a grown woman with a child, have to pay rent for a roof over your head?

I never paid my parents rent amd i don't believe taking children's money either. I wouldn't pay a partner anything without an official commitment or any sort of safety net in case anything happens to him.
Relationship not working out aside, what happens if he dies? Because you're officially nothing, regardless what you paid or did for him.

What would be the advice of this has been written by a man. Do that.

I just think it's mad that people think it's fine for an adult to live rent-free just because they're moving into someone else's home?

If I moved in even with a friend, even temporarily, I'd offer half the bills plus an agreed rent. I'd never be like "Sorry, I'm not paying towards your 'asset', I'll pay you half the bills and that's it".

I think it's totally fair to pay some rent on top of the bills if you're moving into someone else's home.

Although on a separate point, I would never want to move into someone's family home with their children as I'd never feel it was my home too. I'd want to buy somewhere together separately.

Who earns more?

I think you should each pay half the bills and food . The bills may be more expensive but then you have the benefit of sky package, larger property etc, and as you would only be paying half would you actually be paying more ( in bills) anyway.As for housework and cooking that should be split as well, as pp said he presumably does it all now whatever his work situation. As for the house I agree the idea of saving the “rent” for future property either together or if things unfortunately didn’t work out you would have some money for a deposit to either rent or buy yourself.

how does that [putting rent in a separate savings account] affect her boyfriend at all? She may as well just keep it for herself in that case.

It does because that money doesn’t get spent on daily stuff, so once they decide to buy together the OP can contribute a decent sum to the deposit. If on the other hand things don’t work out, she has a safety net for a new deposit / few months rent 2/ mortgage for herself.

If you do decide to move in of course you should pay rent. Like others have said, if a man moved into a woman's house without offering to pay rent he'd be called a cocklodger and it's no different the other way around. When my boyfriend moved into my mortgaged house he immediately paid 50% of the mortgage/bills/food. Yes, he paid more than he previously did to rent a room in a shared house but also had a much nicer/bigger house to live in!

As time went on, we began paying proportionally to our income, meaning he actually paid considerably more than 50% of everything. 10 years on we're married with a child and everything is "ours" not mine & his - I wouldn't have asked him to move in with me in the first place if I wasn't sure that was the direction in which we were heading.

If you do move in, don't do all the housework as it will set a precedent. I currently buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products, etc as you propose you would do - the difference is that these purchases are funded by both of us.

@CatsArePeople

Even teen/young adults pay their parents rent to live in their house. Why wouldn't you, a grown woman with a child, have to pay rent for a roof over your head?

I never paid my parents rent amd i don't believe taking children's money either. I wouldn't pay a partner anything without an official commitment or any sort of safety net in case anything happens to him.
Relationship not working out aside, what happens if he dies? Because you're officially nothing, regardless what you paid or did for him.

But paying half the bills and a bit of rent to her bf still will likely leave OP much better off than renting her own place as she is currently.

She is paying way more to her landlord toward his 'asset' than she would be to her boyfriend.

Why are you jeopardising you - and your child's financial security - by doing this? If it doesn't work out and you leave, where will you go?

@BillMasen

And for those struggling g with reading or maths, the op would be better off, and the partner be better off. Seems fair to me

Not necessarily. She'll be paying half the amount of rent she currently pays but the food/bills/commute will all cost a lot more.

He's definitely better off. She might be breaking even or even losing out.

I agree with him. It is not right that any adult should live rent free, except where a couple have financial union, which happens in many (not all) marriages but rarely without marriage (only when a legal commitment is in place).

He has offered you a decent deal in that you would only be paying half of the rent you currently pay.
I've just seen that you offered to pay all the food - definitely do NOT do this.

Half of all outgoings for the house is fair, i.e. utilities and food.

People come unstuck because they have these silly arrangements all the time (e.g. I'll pay for food if you pay for gas). It makes no sense. Split it down the middle so you each know what you are contributing from the get go and to avoid future arguments.

You’d be expected to go half’s exactly down the middle if you moved in with a friend or flatmate. NOT with your partner, you should feel looked after, safe and secure from your partner. I wouldn’t be moving in with any man who was counting every penny and splitting everything meticulously. I’d rather just stay in my own place tbh

I agree with you OP. My husband and moved into a house before we were married that he bought solely. It was a slightly different situation in that we both relocated to that area (owning our own homes elsewhere) rather than it being his house from before but although I contributed to food and furniture etc I didnt pay rent or any other house bills etc as it was his asset that he had chosen to buy on his own. I understood this choice due to relatively short term nature at that point of relationship but equally I chose not to contribute to something I had no stake or security in and he accepted this.
As it was he sold it after 2 years for a profit and we bought a family home (the money I had saved in rent being part of the deposit) which we contribute equally to.

What is the market rent for sharing a room and bed with your landlord and having no tenancy agreement or rights?

The answer is £0.

That would be a fair amount to pay.

Then either half or proportionate to income of other bills (but not mortgage as that is basically savings).

I would also be wary that he wants to make a profit out of you.

He wants half of what you're saving, but what about all he is saving by having you pay half of bills?

@VladmirsPoutine

Stay where you are.

Can you imagine the type of deal he'd be getting if you moved in?

• Housekeeper
• Cook
• Childcare
• HALVING HIS LIVING COSTS

And all you'd gain is a lot of stress r.e. moving and a huge bout of anxiety if it all works out or not. Plus the move away further from your local amenities/school.

Stay put.

All this plus:

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs

Why? who does his housework at the moment?

Don't give up your flat with good landlord to pay half of bills you wouldn't incur where you are and to lose a proper tenancy agreement.

Either agree a joint mortgage with the asset divided appropriately or stay put (or keep renting your place instead of his whilst you do the trial blended family).

Would it not make sense to sit down and work out the whole household outgoings (mortgage bills and food) and split that cost between you both?

If you live together and both earn, you should share all domestic expenses, that includes the mortgage, CT, house insurance, fuel, food, child expenses, etc.

If you don't share absolute trust and mutual commitment even on money that does not bode well for a future together.

@NorthernDramaLlama

Pay what you would pay in rent into a dedicated savings account. If you split up, you have deposit etc. If you de ide to buy together there is money towards moving costs.

This sounds like an excellent idea. Presumably he can afford the mortgage on his own, and this means you'll have the money to put in if you go on to buy together.

He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not.

So how would you feel if he rented his house out, moved in with you and said I won't give you anything towards the rent as you'd have to pay that whether I was here or not?

So how would you feel if he rented his house out, moved in with you and said I won't give you anything towards the rent as you'd have to pay that whether I was here or not?

Completely different situation. He would be gaining an income from an asset and not giving up his current housing security.

He wants me to pay half of what I’m ‘saving’ so in effect that’s already £700, plus half of all the bills… some of which I would not have in my own home (expensive sky tv package, much, much higher bills and council tax). I currently live in a flat and him a 4 bedroom house.

So at the moment, you rent for £1400, and cover all of your food and bills for you and DC. Let's call that £2000 in total (just to make it a round figure)

He wants you to contribute £700 to his mortgage. So in order for you not to financially benefit from this, the portion of bills and food you'd be paying would have to go beyond £1300 for that to happen? Let's say they are now £800 a month, whereas they were £600 before. You're still better off by £500 overall.

Then for him, let's say his mortgage is £2k and his bills for him and DC have been £1k.

He asks you to move in, and his bills (to match your 50% contribution) are £800. And you contribute £700 to the mortgage. So he's £900 better off.

Is it that you think you should both benefit by the same monetary amount? Because you're both benefitting already either way.

@Beachshell

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

I wouldn't move in in this case. If you can't afford it financially and security wise don't risk it. Lots Of people who are together live apart.