Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@sammylady37

*I would also be wary that he wants to make a profit out of you.

He wants half of what you're saving, but what about all he is saving by having you pay half of bills?*

The op wants to make a profit from him too, by not contributing to the cost of housing for her and her child, taking advantage of the fact that her bf has a mortgaged house and is being actively encouraged on this thread to build up a nest egg in her name only so that she has it if the relationship fails.

It's not the same though because OP's "profit" isn't costing him anything whereas his would cost OP £700 a month. On top of half of the bills. Plus OP loses housing security and if it goes wrong would have to pay out for a deposit/rent in advance whereas he could just carry on as normal.

If you do decide to move in of course you should pay rent. Like others have said, if a man moved into a woman's house without offering to pay rent he'd be called a cocklodger and it's no different the other way around.

I completely agree.

If someone posted here saying they had let their friend move into their home but they refused to pay any rent and would only contribute towards their share of the bills, I'm sure people would say they were taking the piss and to ask them to leave.

I would not be happy for someone to move into my home rent-free, minus half the bills, while they stashed away all the money they were saving at my expense for themselves.

Where does it end? If things need replacing due to wear and tear, is that all his responsibility too, because a new carpet contributes towards 'his asset'?

I just don't get the difference in attitude when it's a partner you're moving in with compared to literally anyone else. OP has been happy to pay (presumably way more) rent to her landlord for years, yet doesn't want to give a couple of hundred quid to her bf when she moves in? Even though herself and her child will be 50% of the household.

I would wait until you get a joint property, you are taking all the financial risks here and moving to an area that adds to your commute.

Why do you think that all the housework falls by default to the woman?
It only does if you let it. More so since you’re both partners and not tied together, none of this ‘man changed after being married’ lark. Why do you automatically expect to be his skivvy? If he’s shown signs of this why would you want a relationship with such a man?
When I moved in with DP we were very clear as to who does what. No guessing, playing games or anything falling to someone by ‘default’.

I think he is being reasonable, you can’t expect to live rent free. And what about the new house? Will you be paying 50% deposit and 50%bills? You need to take a detailed review of your budgets. In the meantime maybe he can sell his place and move in with you rent free?

YANBU. I don't really get the references to cocklodger as the way you explain it you'd be making a significant contribution to running the house and could be worse off financially and timewise yourself as well as the security/power balance issue. His utility bills shouldn't double by you moving in yet you've offered to pay half bills plus all food, toiletries etc, with all housekeeping and a longer commute for yourself to boot??

Your current security with a decent landlord cannot be underestimated so I'd stay put for now unless you can sit down together and work through a spreadsheet of everything, comparisons of expenses including Now v Afterwards and agree proportionate sharing (ensuring you have enough to build your own 'security' fund - which can also be used for future joint projects if you do end up staying together long term or married).

Whatever you agree financially if you do decide to move in with him, do not volunteer to take on a full housekeeper role!

@TatianaBis

I also think the 100% housework agreement is batshit.

If you’re working and have a child you are not doing 100% no matter what your hours are.

Also agree with this btw

I agree with your DP.

I think that the financial benefit of you living together should be split between both of you, and is not for you to keep all to yourself alone.

Presumably bills will be equally cheaper for both of you in a shared situation - so that cancels itself out.

Food will be the same for both of you regardless where you live.

The saving on rent should be shared between both of you.

I think it would be reasonable to offset any additional costs you have caused by you moving in together (e.g. storage or additional expenses for commuting or any loss of benefits) from the saving before splitting.

It's wholly greedy to expect to live rent free and keep all the saving for yourself. Honestly, I'd have too much self respect to sponge off someone like that and not expect to pay my own way.

I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all. No chance would I ever be with someone who wanted to essentially profit from me. You're his partner, not a tenant.

Equally it would never even occur to me to ask a partner to pay towards my mortgage. How awful

@Beachshell

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

But then just don't move in until you buy a place together?

It sounds like the whole thing is disadvantaging you massively. I would wait until you are ready to buy together under these circumstances.

You are still giving up all of these things even if you don't pay him any rent at all.

that I should want to help him out as much as possible

Yeah.
Unless he shows very distinct reciprocation in how he also wants to help you out, I would rethink this.

You would be helping him finance a appreciating asset.
Unless you can do that while also splitting the finances so that you can put aside a good wodge every month for your own savings or future asset, don't do it.

ALl the bills

He wants to you to pay him half of what you’re saving in rent, which is £700 plus half of food and bills?

How much is half of the mortgage?
If half of the mortgage is less then the £700 he wants you to pay him then I think he’s a greedy bastard and I wouldn’t move in with him.

If you pay no rent and have no rental agreement then what is to stop him kicking you out with no notice if things don't work out?

He is being reasonable to ask for rent and you would be reasonable to ask for a proper rental agreement so that you get the full rights of a tenant including a proper notice period.

I would pay half bills that are Internet, gas electricity, water, council tax, half of the mortgage or half what your current rent is also half of food costs his TV package is his to pay unless you use it too and half cooking cleaning ect

I should say, that I think you should split food and toiletries and I don't think you should do any more than your fair half share of the housework.

I agree with you.
You’re putting yourself and child in a potentially precarious situation.
I wouldn’t move in with him and pay half towards his mortgage unless I was going to be added to it.

It’s ridiculous that you’re being flamed.

You’ve offered half the bills and all the food plus the majority of the housework and cooking. That’s a good deal. If he wants a contribution to his mortgage payment that’s something you’d need to discuss. Arbitrarily deciding that he wants half of what you’re saving on rent is completely unfair. That could be an awful lot more than half of his mortgage payment. You also mentioned bills you wouldn’t have - I assume Sky or similar. I wouldn’t be paying for something that you don’t want or need that he has for himself.

You’re 100% right to be thinking about what happens if it doesn’t work out. Selling or storing your furniture and giving up a good rented flat is a big deal. You’ll need a financial cushion for setting up on your own again quickly if the relationship ends.

You said that he wants you to pay half of what you are "saving" and mention £700 - do you mean you currently pay £1400 rent and he wants you to pay £700, or you currently pay £700 rent and he wants you to pay £350?

I would be interested to know what his monthly mortgage is personally, especially if it is the case that he wants you to pay £700 per month, you might end up that you're paying half his mortgage but with less rights, legal protection and choice than if you were a tenant and obviously with no legal stake on the property.

He has the choice of "renting" a room out to a lodger, but I'll bet he doesn't want to do that. So he is getting a romantic partner (as opposed to a lodger) who is sharing the bills and potentially paying a big chunk of the mortgage with their "half their rent" payment but who has no legal rights.

I can see both points of view though, and if you didn't pay anything then it would be as though you are living "rent free". Perhaps a middle ground would be to work out an amount based on bills and some appropriate amount for shared housing costs (ie rent) but not necessarily "half your rent" because his monthly mortgage payment cost is relevant too - (imagine hypothetically if a mortgage was £900 a month and 'half the rent" payment from a live-in partner was £700?!), work out a monthly figure based on these and pay it as a monthly lump sum to cover housing and bills, and then split the food bill as you go along.

If the relationship progresses and you get married and/or go on the mortgage then you would reassess the financial situation then.

@minatrina

I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all. No chance would I ever be with someone who wanted to essentially profit from me. You're his partner, not a tenant.

Equally it would never even occur to me to ask a partner to pay towards my mortgage. How awful

Equally it would never occur to me that I could live with a partner and not pay my share. No chance would I want to be with someone who wanted to essentially get a free ride. How awful.

The polarity of views on this are interesting. Always the same when this comes up

Its not just about the money - its about the OP and her DC giving up their current home and security

She's only in rented accommodation now. She can rent again in the future. Agreed, he doesn't have to do this if things don't work out, but he's got a mortgaged 4 bedroom house, and OP has a rented flat, so it seems perfectly logical she's the one to move

to invest in this trial period

It's a trial period for both of them

whilst he risks nothing

One of them has to move, and again it's far more sense for the person in a rented flat to move into the property that can accommodate the two adults and two children it needs too.

and gains a financial benefit.

Just like OP.

The home and security risk is the bigger issue to me.

Yes, but she can find another flat to rent if it comes to that.

@LaBellina

He wants to you to pay him half of what you’re saving in rent, which is £700 plus half of food and bills?

How much is half of the mortgage?
If half of the mortgage is less then the £700 he wants you to pay him then I think he’s a greedy bastard and I wouldn’t move in with him.

Why is his mortgage cost relevant?

Surely if there is a net saving of £700 between them, then this should be shared equally?

YABU if you don't want to pay him rent then stay in your flat. Why should you have accommodation for free while he pays the mortgage? Pay some rent (half of what you're paying now doesn't seem a bad deal for a four bed house) and split the bills, food and chores.

I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by.

Is your head cut? Why would you think leaving that for this set up is a positive move?

I'm absolutely staggered that so many responders have stated YABU for not wanting to get yourself in such a precarious position with ALL the risk on you and your child and ALL the advantage to him.

No wonder so many women end up on the relationship boards in terrible situations, when half of the population thinks they are unreasonable for asserting that they shouldn't disadvantage themselves and their children!

My old boss had a construction with his ex girlfriend where I believe she paid half of the mortgage as her contribution towards living costs put a part of the money she monthly paid him was put in a separate bank account that she was entitled to use to cover expenses for moving, paying towards a deposit etc in case they split up. Which they did recently.