Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

YANBU OP - this change would put you in a precarious position and it doesn't sound like your partner really appreciates this? Also, who's idea was it that you would do majority cooking and cleaning? If he's agreed to this I think that says something about his character.

I don't buy the comparison with cocklodgers - they intend to use women and contribute nothing to the household, OP clearly isn't intening to do this and would be giving up a lot of stability by taking this move on.

I would stay put if I were you OP - it doesn't sound like this move is in your child's best interests, or yours. If this man is really serious about having a future with you I'm sure a different compromise can be reached.

Don't start on unequal footing. Be that shopping or cleaning or anything.

Don't move into his house. It puts you in a very precarious position.

Rent together somewhere neutral.

Years ago I was in a similar position to you. I moved into a boyfriends house, that he had a mortgage on, from my rented flat which cost me £375pm at the time. His mortgage was about £700. I paid 200 towards the mortgage, plus a third of bills and half of food. We felt this was fair because I earnt less than him. You are putting yourself in a precarious position because he could throw you out whenever he wants, which was what happened with me. Luckily I did have my parents to fall back on, so ended up going to live back home with them.

Why don’t you just both have a joint bank account put the same amount in each month and just use that for bills, mortgage, shopping etc, and keep your own money separately, atleast you know you’re both putting the same amount in, and if all works out tell him you want your name on the deeds, you need some assurance for you and your child for the future?

@Comedycook

Half of bills and all food is a great deal for him imo

I think so too.

This thread is growing very quickly!

My first comment is that it is not a good start to a relationship, him wanting to make a "profit" from you moving in.

But if otherwise the arrangement does suit you, you need a "all inclusive" tenancy agreement including bills and a notice period so that you and your child each have your own bedrooms and some protection.

Probably best to pay the "rent" direct to his mortgage company so that eventually you may have a bigger deposit for a house purchase?

Split 50-50 then deduct the value of your labour and discuss other deductions.

A tenant has rights that you don't and you have a child to consider.

I've read your updates and tbh, I think you need to rethink your whole relationship. I once had a relationship with a guy who expected me to take all the risks (which were enormous for me and my children in our circumstances) so we could be together. He was completely unable to accept the risk I would be taking for him. That opened my eyes to who he was. Never stay with a guy who expects you to take all the risk to facilitate the life he wants.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. A 50/50 split but without you being his skivvy and cook. You’re kind of setting yourself up as 50s suburban housewife here and I’m not sure why.. That’s a mad thing to agree to and changes the whole balance of the relationship. If you’re out of pocket then renegotiate it to 40/60or the bills apart from Sky. Yes, the costs are more than your 2 bedroom flat, but you are choosing to live in the much bigger property so it will cost more. Have you thought of asking him for a tenancy agreement to give you some security. I must admit, in his position I’d be very reluctant to get married.

Your partner needs to be very careful here, unless they write you a contract and money received is categorically rent then they are opening them self up to you potentially having a claim on the property, they should seek legal advice before accepting any money even for bills as any payments you make towards the running of the property could entitle you to a share even if in his name, my sons girlfriend moved in with him and we investigated the situation and she buys the food, she pays no other bills because they could be seen as proof of contributing to the running of the property and entitle her to a share when sold

I would say buy your own food, half the bills and pay 1/3 of the price if they mortgage and he pays 2/3.

Ultimately it’s his house and his financial gain, so he’d have to pay whether you lived there or not, but equally, by moving in with him, you’re saving on rent.

I don’t think getting married and buying a house together straight away is a good idea, as it may not work out as the blended family you’re hoping. Definitely sensible to move him first

He could rent out his house to cover his mortgage that way, and then you and him could rent a house together somewhere convenient for both and split the bills.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Can you not pool your incomes into a joint account?

You then each get so much for personal spends, so much into joint savings and then all bills, food, petrol etc and direct debits come out the joint account? So no one wins or loses.

To me this isn't a good idea - their relationship isn't ready for this yet. The OP is very clear that she's aware this might not work long term. She's said they'd only buy once they know their blended family works. It'd be daft to blend finances before they're certain they can even blend families.

There is a massive power imbalance here and I think he knows it.

It's really not about 'getting on an equal footing', is it, though? Show me a genuinely equal relationship.

OP, I would be refusing to pay any 'rent' and downing tools around the house until he agrees to play ball. Negotiate the best deal for yourself that you can, just like you would in any other walk of life.

[quote Beachshell]@MrsWombat

Thank you. This is exactly my point. It’s about security for me and my child. His proposed arrangement works very nicely for him, but puts me in a precarious position. He’s not losing anything by me and my child living there, in fact he’s gaining monetarily by having half of all the bills paid. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman. I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to contribute more than half the bills if I was the one with the mortgage and suggesting he lived with me, whilst being fully aware of what he’s sacrificing (security, furniture, longer commute). In my mind, I’m paying the mortgage anyway as it’s my asset and something for my child to inherit one day, why would I ask someone to pay half of that? If I want a ‘partnership’ I’d be proposing buying a property together or marriage

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together.[/quote]
Someone made a really good point upthread about who does the cooking and housework in his house now? If he already runs his own home then why would you suddenly have to take on the burden of cooking and most of the housework?

I also agree with you and think this is about far more than just you live somewhere you pay rent. You’re contemplating a lot of risk as you say and there seems to be no risk really for him, but a lot of benefits. Do you really want to to move schools, do more housework, have a longer commute and none of your things around you furniture wise? For example why would you have to put your furniture into storage? Why wouldn’t he put some of his things into storage and you bring some of your furniture?

It all just sounds like you’re the one who would be making the sacrifices AND working harder. And while you’ve not given exact figures for everything, even if you’re paying half what you pay now in rent how much would you actually save if your bills are higher and you’re spending more money on a commute?

Is this guy really worth what sounds like you ending up with a harder life practically speaking and maybe not even that much better financially, while his gets a lot easier both practically and financially?

Didn't even notice you'd said you'd pay all the food and cleaning stuff costs and do all the housework! He is definitely taking advantage here!

@mcmooberry

Don't underestimate how much money buying all the food would add up to, I would not advise you offer to do that!! I would think offering £700 or £800 a month to include all bills apart from anything like mobile contracts and then split the food costs would be reasonable in this case. What he is suggesting would leave you very out of pocket and vulnerable but equally you can't expect to be living anywhere rent free.

A big YY to this - why on earth would you pay all food costs? I always think that’s the worst split for women and one people tend to fall into. Food costs are so variable and could be a cause of loads of conflict. 50-50 - you’ll be a household of 4, one child per adult. It makes no sense otherwise.

Of course you need to pay rent.
Echoing pp's you happily pay the landlords mortgage.

@user1471528245

Your partner needs to be very careful here, unless they write you a contract and money received is categorically rent then they are opening them self up to you potentially having a claim on the property, they should seek legal advice before accepting any money even for bills as any payments you make towards the running of the property could entitle you to a share even if in his name, my sons girlfriend moved in with him and we investigated the situation and she buys the food, she pays no other bills because they could be seen as proof of contributing to the running of the property and entitle her to a share when sold

FGS don't tell him this!!!! If he's daft enough to open himself up in that way, then more the fool him

[quote Beachshell]@MrsWombat

Thank you. This is exactly my point. It’s about security for me and my child. His proposed arrangement works very nicely for him, but puts me in a precarious position. He’s not losing anything by me and my child living there, in fact he’s gaining monetarily by having half of all the bills paid. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman. I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to contribute more than half the bills if I was the one with the mortgage and suggesting he lived with me, whilst being fully aware of what he’s sacrificing (security, furniture, longer commute). In my mind, I’m paying the mortgage anyway as it’s my asset and something for my child to inherit one day, why would I ask someone to pay half of that? If I want a ‘partnership’ I’d be proposing buying a property together or marriage

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together.[/quote]
Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman.

Why would you let it though? Are you not a grown up with a voice? who can say "no"?

I dont understand why you "would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs."

No, just not

I think what would be fair would be for you to pay half the mortgage interest each month because that is a bill that's gone each month. The mortgage payment each month, effectively you get that back when you sell.

Then each pay half of everything else bills, food, home improvements. Each put a set amount into an account to cover this each month then you're not getting into a grey area of who paid what for what.

Moving in together should mean that things get a bit cheaper for both of you but they will get a lot more cheaper for him than you if you go with his current plan and yet he will always have the security of his property.

If you want to do it fairly and to protect all involved you need a legal agreement, setting out who pays what and what happens in the event you break up.

It's not unreasonable for him to expect you to contribute more than just half of the bills but on the other hand you need to protect yourself in case it all goes tits up.

Please don't do this and whatever you do, do not give up your rented home just now. I think you would regret it if you did.

What boyfriend is asking is unreasonable, much.

There was a lady on here yesterday who had moved herself and her son in with boyfriend and his adult child, gave up her home, and is used as a skivvy! Told she is a guest in their house.

Hang on to your home, see boyfriend and enjoy relationship for what it is.

How much is his mortgage compared to your rent? Mortgages tend to be cheaper so I certainly wouldn't be paying half of your current rent to him.

I do think you should pay something though, you would pay housing costs if you didn't live together and I assume that the equity in his house will be used as a deposit when you buy together.

If you feel it's too risky then it is absolutely fine to not move in together yet. Plenty of couples live apart.