Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[deadleaves]

I wouldn't want to move in with him. If he wants you to pay rent, you may as well charge him for any housework you do

Excellent point. Why do you need to pay him for his 'service' of providing accommodation (which is what rent is) but you don't get paid for the service of your domestic labour?

[MsHedgehog]

So you moving in he sees as a chance to make some money basically?!

Or OP is doing the exact same thing herself…

[bigbaggyeyes]

I actually agree with you op, in your shoes you should pay 50% of all bills, food etc but he covers his mortgage.

It actually also covers him, because if you can prove your pay towards the mortgage if you split you 'might' be entitled to part of the equity.

I'd tell him that you'll put your 'rent' into a savings account which in turn will provide your part of the deposit when you buy together. If you don't buy together then it's a nice nest egg for your retirement together or if you split then it's financial security for you.

[strivingtosucceed]

@EatYourVegetables how does that affect her boyfriend at all? She may as well just keep it for herself in that case.

@Beachshell is your problem that he wants you to pay so much or that he wants you to pay at all. If it's the first, then maybe you should look at paying the bills & expensive proportionate to earnings (and the number of people each party is responsible for). That way you're still contributing but in a more financially balanced way.

If it's the second, then I think you need to look inward and determine why you think paying for accommodation has any bearing on if the person you're paying it to will gain financially from it. He has a house because he saved X money, spent Y on fees and took the risk to buy it, if the value of the house went down, you wouldn't share the loss, so why share the gain?

If you're worried about security, draw up a contract. Even lodgers have rights, though not as many as renters.

Finally, how do you think it's a bad decision to move in. Irrespective of the costs you may or may not be paying, it doesn't seem like it would be a good move for your son which I would say is the most important person you should be focusing on right now. Maybe when he's older and able to move around on his own.

[titchy]

You can't live rent free in someone elses house, thats just not how life works.
Except it often is - for SAHM for example!

[deadleaves]

I would be a bit suspicious of a partner who would expect you to give up the rights you have as a tenant, while pocketing money towards his mortgage

Absolutely. Especially as he is trying to emotionally manipulate you with all that ;' you should want to help me' crap.

[CallyWW]

Stay where you are! This all sounds super petty & unromantic.. clearly you want stability and "rights" so don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. Also, do you even love this guy?? It doesn't sound like it.

[NoSquirrels]

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

Who does it for him now?

[Rhythmisadancer]

yes you should pay something to live there, but it should be calculated by reference to what half of his mortgage payments are, not half of whatever your current rent is.

[Watchingyou2sleezes]

@MrsWombat

I think the OP knows she can't actually live rent-free.

OP you might have extra cash in your pocket but you will not be in a better position security wise and you have a child to consider. I honestly would stay where you are until you are married.

If he really wants you to move in then suggest that for the moment you only pay him the actual extra costs incurred, eg council tax discount, food bills, token amount for utilities, and your 1400 rent money goes in a running away fund savings account in your name only. If you decide to get married or your name goes on the mortgage this can be used for that. (Still keep a running away fund for yourself though!)

Mrs Wombat has got it right

[Beachshell]

@MrsWombat

Thank you. This is exactly my point. It’s about security for me and my child. His proposed arrangement works very nicely for him, but puts me in a precarious position. He’s not losing anything by me and my child living there, in fact he’s gaining monetarily by having half of all the bills paid. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman. I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to contribute more than half the bills if I was the one with the mortgage and suggesting he lived with me, whilst being fully aware of what he’s sacrificing (security, furniture, longer commute). In my mind, I’m paying the mortgage anyway as it’s my asset and something for my child to inherit one day, why would I ask someone to pay half of that? If I want a ‘partnership’ I’d be proposing buying a property together or marriage

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together.

[Kuachui]

I wouldn't pay my partner rent... And my husband doesn't pay me rent :S he will already be saving money having you move in.

I wouldn't be happy if my partner made me pay. I would understand him wanting me to save it for our future like hey I want you to pay £500 a month rent but it goes into a saving pot that we can use for our family.

[violetbunny]

Well, if you want the security that comes with renting, ask boyfriend to rent out his house and then you can rent somewhere together. You'd likely end up paying more than the deal he is offering you though.

[Winterjoy]

If you are both on board with working towards being a financial partnership e.g all money is shared money then the fairest way to split would be proportionate to income. Add up the total income between you and work out who brings in what percentage e.g if you each contribute 50% of the income then you split all bills 50/50. If you earn 30% and your partner 70% of the income then the bills get split 70/30 etc.

Regardless, there's no way anyone should end up worse off financially going from a single adult household to sharing with someone!

[Shoxfordian]

When my husband and I were dating, he rented out his flat and we rented together to try living together- would something similar work for you op?

[SeaToSki]

I think all bills and food should be split 50\50

I think all housework should be split 50\50

This sets the precedent for the future and keeps expectations in line

I do think that if one person wants and expensive upgrade over normal living (sky sports/specialty food) that they should pay the full cost of the upgrade over a normal option

The question on paying for housing is the tricky one. I can see both sides. You need to account for furniture storage, living in a bigger property than you would otherwise, extra commute costs.

My starting point would be take half of the mortgage payment, deduct your furniture rental costs, deduct your extra commute costs (dont forget an allowance for wear on the car as well as petrol) balance out the council tax (you are having to pay half of a larger bill) maybe you deduct an allowance for the costs associates with having to move out and find a new rental if it all breaks down. See where that ends up and it might be that he should pay you money 🤣. But seriously I think a contribution of some sort is reasonable, but it absolutely shouldnt be half of the mortgage.

He also HAS to pay half of the food. Otherwise he has no incentive to budget on food costs etc and that could get very expensive/messy

[beingsunny]

Can you work out what it costs you per month to live where you are and pay him 50% of that?

If you say the bills are larger because of lather home, there's also a benefit in having more space and a garden for your child.

[LittleMysSister]

I think you should pay him half the bill plus an agreed 'rent', but don't buy all the food etc that you had originally offered. That should be split.

[toothpicklover]

No wonder he wants you to move in if you are going to be paying him to be his cook, cleaner and nanny. Why would you do this? He’s an adult, chores should be shared not left to the woman in the house it’s not the 1950’s ffs!

[RosiePosieDozy]

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't want to live with a man who charged me rent. Even if it was the other way round, if I was him and had been paying my mortgage on my house for years, I wouldn't ask you to contribute towards it now.

I would be seriously considering my future with this man if I was you. The fact that he seems adamant that he wants to charge you this would put me right off.

I don't think that you saying you will pay all bills and do all of the chores is reasonable. You're not a slave.

You should of course be contributing financially but I don't think his idea or your idea is right.

[premium77]

Even teen/young adults pay their parents rent to live in their house. Why wouldn't you, a grown woman with a child, have to pay rent for a roof over your head?

[titchy]

If by paying part of his mortgage he was prepared to put you on the deeds that would be fair - maybe only a small percentage, but enough to give you security of both housing and relationship. Is that something he'd agree?

Otherwise you have too much to risk I think. Cocklodgers don't generally have full responsibility for their child, so if they are booted out it's only them that suffers. OP in this case has to look after her child's interests first and foremost.

Rent his out (he keeps rental income and uses it to pay his mortgage), and you rent somewhere together?

[FortunesFave]

Because you're partners it's just not going to work unless you marry and do things in a properly committed way with shared finances and shared savings.

It's not.

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Can you not pool your incomes into a joint account?

You then each get so much for personal spends, so much into joint savings and then all bills, food, petrol etc and direct debits come out the joint account? So no one wins or loses.

[mcmooberry]

Don't underestimate how much money buying all the food would add up to, I would not advise you offer to do that!!
I would think offering £700 or £800 a month to include all bills apart from anything like mobile contracts and then split the food costs would be reasonable in this case. What he is suggesting would leave you very out of pocket and vulnerable but equally you can't expect to be living anywhere rent free.