Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

The amount he is expecting from you is pretty immense and must be a significant proportion of the mortgage he is paying monthly. It doesn't sit well with me.
I have an arrangement with my DP that I'm happy with. We own a property together as tenants in common now but I lived rent free in his house for years while responsible for renting out my own flat. I offered him a token contribution but he refused as his and my view at that time was his house was his responsibility and his asset and I could be responsible for myself. Ultimately both of us needed to be financially robust to enter into a long-term arrangement we were both happy with.
Whichever way you cut it, you need to be happy and comfortable with the arrangement you reach, which clearly isn't what he is proposing right now. I certainly wouldn't be happy with the arrangement he proposes. You might contribute something (or not) but 700 seems excessive.

I’d offer to pay a proportion of all bills in the same ratio as your earnings. That’s fair. And I would definitely pay anything you are saving from current outgoings into a rainy day account just in case…
And I’d fix a date when you will review and buy together if things are going well or get married I.e 6 months /12 months.
Too many women on here have done the same as you but don’t buy together or get married and then 10 years later are left with nothing when the relationship breaks down while he has a nearly paid for house.
Good luck op

When I say bills I mean rent too.

@ScreamingBeans

A high earner wanting half his sky sports bill paid and his houskeeping done by a much lower earner is not someone I'd entrust with my security let alone my DCs'.

Yep. He earns three times what you do but he's happy for you to risk your security and financially benefit from you moving in with him?

Listen to your gut, OP, you know this is a bad deal for you. Once you've given up your good landlord and your independence, it's too late.

+1 to this, OP. Everything seems to be in his favour, not yours.

What exactly would you be renting? The role of being his girlfriend until he serves notice to gtfo? No thanks.

IMO if you want to live together you should rent together. That way you are both equals and the roof over your head is protected. It's ridiculous to contribute to the mortgage of a house you don't own.

His financial request is reasonable and would presumably leave you better off if you are only paying him half what you save on your own rent. But this is not about that, is it?
It's about the fact he hasn't behaved like a prospective husband who plans to take care of you and your child financially. His behaviour is rational and business-like, rather than romantic. I don't think he wants to marry you, or his whole tone about your moving in would be very different. You need to think hard about this, because it is not just you but your child who you could be exposing to disruption and insecurity. Sounds like you need a discussion about how you both see your future, and also about your respective attitudes to finances. If you want to get married, my advice would be don't move in on this scenario - you would, as you say, have less rights than landlord and tenant.
Sounds as though both of you are unsure or you wouldn't be doing this trial of 'whether your blended family works,' you would be making a proper commitment to one another and your kids. I think, for the sake of those kids, you need to be sure - so take a step back, and either get married or keep it casual. You are both trying to hedge your bets.

There is no way I’d let anyone move into my home without paying. Why on earth do you think you should t have to pay? That’s bizarre

Did you miss the posts where some people were suggesting equity in the property and thousands of pounds up front as a security deposit just in case the relationship does not work out.

You should offer to pay an amount equivalent to half the interest he pays on the mortgage plus half towards your bills. That way you are contributing to his expenses and not his acquisitions. If you pay him the equivalent of your rent he is gaining a lot and you are gaining nothing and also lose a lot of non monetary things such as security and independence. His behaviour is a red flag. Tread carefully here

Oh gosh no. Please don't do this. My BFF lost everything in such an arrangement. Her partner tool ker salary, inheritance and sanity. I earn ten times my husbands salary. At times I earnt minimum wage due to carering for parents. He paid the bills. Does he ask me for half? Feck no. I save my big money for our retirement. I never bought a dinner. I cook, he does the laundry. He loves me money or no. When I suggested he give up work to look after our children he said hell no, let's hire a nanny even if he paid for it and got £50 a week left. I have had him for thirty years, find one like that or don't bother.

It should be 1/2 of everything and anything to do with living there :)

@NorthernDramaLlama

Pay what you would pay in rent into a dedicated savings account. If you split up, you have deposit etc. If you de ide to buy together there is money towards moving costs.

Incredibly good advice. This way you make a contribution IF the thing turns out to be permanent. And you have some limit to the downside of its not working out.

Personally, I think he's the one being unreasonable.

If you're sharing the bills etc BUT paying for all the food, cleaning stuff, toiletries etc could that not be considered to be 'rent'. If he doesn't consider that to be rent maybe you need to be charging him for the work you'll be doing

After all, he may be paying the mortgage on his house/asset and only he will benefit from that, he would be living cost-free after bills and you would be an unpaid cleaner/housekeeper for him and his child.

Alternatively, rent out his house, the rent should cover his mortgage, rent somewhere more convenient for both of you and share all expenses 50:50, and he can do half the housekeeping too.

You should speak to an advice centre to get an idea of your legal position. If he’s charging you rent he is inferring a tenancy and even a verbal one gives you rights

Get any financial contribution you agree to make to the house written up as a legal document, it's a straight forward arrangement - OR get put on his mortgage documentation straight away so you have a joint mortgage. Plus definitely keep your savings and bank accounts separate. Personally when I was in this situation we decided to rent out my house and we rented somewhere else so it was new to both of us to ensure we worked as a couple living together. There was therefore no ownership issue. We split everything by contributing equally into an account specifically for the house costs including bills. It worked but then I didn't ask my other half to move in and pay my mortgage without any legal protection. Hope you find a solution that suits you both.

YABU
You get to live in a four bed house rather than a flat. I don't see why you'd think it right to live there for free.

Just seen the post above by Kassiopeia :-)

All expenses should be added up snd then pay half each.

It’s difficult and I see your point. But I dont think what he’s asking is unreasonable. In effect you’re already contributing to someone’s mortgage by the rent you pay each month. If that doesn’t make you feel comfortable to contribute to your bf, without the safety that comes from a formal tenancy agreement - then don’t do it. Live apart until you’re both ready to take things serious e.g marriage. Unfortunately things like, school and work proximity, storage payments are not his responsibility. If the situation isn’t working for you- don’t go!

I think what you suggested you pay was bang on. Why should you pay half of everything when you have no legal connection to that house should it go tits up. If your name was on the mortgage I could understand it.
If he's adamant then I'm sorry but I'd be staying put in my own place.

OR get put on his mortgage documentation straight away so you have a joint mortgage.

So what percentage of the value of the property should she be entitled to?

God no this man is tight arsed wozack. Just no.

You should pay something towards housing costs but quite understandably he doesn’t want to risk his house.
Nobody would.
You wouldn’t either, if it was yours.

Technicaly you don't have to pay half if he earns more than you.
I do a debt management and when I looked at doing an IVA, they look at what you are earning and because I live with my partner, he earns more than me, he is on a 40 hour contract and gets paid about £11 plus an hour, so they said, he should be paying 3/4 of the bills and I should be paying less as then half.
We decided not to do this, due to my partner having his own debt struggles and if he had to pay more of the bills he would struggle.
So maybe see who earns the most should pay more to the mortgage, but don't do all the cooking and cleaning, a relationship should be 50/50 and as someone who is stuck doing it all, you get resentful of your partner, my Oh, seems to think because I only work part time, I should be full time cook and cleaner. Which isn't fair and it does annoy me, however I am stuck, due to lack of money. So make sure you don't pay more than you need to, so that you have some savings in case things don't work out, as you would need a month's rent and deposit to be able to rent another property.
Definitely don't move in until, you have resolved this issue, as you don't need to be left out of pocket without a home.

I think it’s only fair to contribute to half of all the bills including the mortgage. When my then boyfriend, now fiancé moved in, we agreed he would pay half of all my bills, there was no ifs or buts about paying towards my mortgage.

@GreatPotato

Don't do it. You know you're putting yourself in a precarious position and now, while all is at it's best in your relationship, he's quibbling over money. That doesn't bode well for if/when things aren't so good.

I agree half of all bills and half of food (not all) but I don't think you should contribute to the purchase of a house you have no stake in.

How will your proposed future purchase work? Presumably as he already owns a house, he'll have more to put in?

I did it and it was a disaster. We split up and he changed the locks and it was a ducking nightmare to get my stuff out. Don’t do all the cooking do 50% and 50% of bills - turn it round - he will be massively better off with you paying half of his bills but do not contribute more. You can also put any saving from both of you not your own savings and put towards a house deposit when you buy together