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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
CatsArePeople · 25/09/2021 12:39

But equally its a huge risk for the property owner to let someone move in with them on the basis the other person is financially compensated if it does not work out.

He owns the property. The compensation would be what she paid him towards it.
Or should she finance his property and walk away with zilch? Not good enough.
Also what if he dies - she may be turfed out either by bank, or his immediate family.

Lockdownbear · 25/09/2021 12:42

@Blossomtoes

Makes more sense for him to pay his own mortgage that he can afford on his own. And for her to put her savings an account so they can both contribute equally to their next house together or she has security if they split

It would make more sense for her. So she lives rent free until they split then she walks away with savings she’s accumulated at his expense. The male equivalent would, quite rightly, be called cocklodgery.

So it's OK for him to accumulate wealth while she pays part of his mortgage but its not OK for her to make savings on her own right.
Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 12:42

@CatsArePeople

She's actually got MORE disposable income now than she had previously when she rented her own flat.

But less security, more inconvenience, extra housework and responisibilities. And a prospect that it will all go tits up soon enough.

Less security I understand. More inconvenience? Why? More housework? If it’s shared 50/50, I’d say less. More responsibility? Again, how? The prospect of it going tits up is the same whether or not rent’s paid.
bellabasset · 25/09/2021 12:44

I think you should have a joint housekeeping account so you share the bills. What I would suggest is a compromise on the mortgage payments element. How about you contribute 25% of the payment, and then put your savings in rent in a savings account towards your future home? If the mortgage element is £700 he would put £350 a month more into the joint account. He will have a saving of £175 plus half the bills.

In the early years of a mortgage less capital is repaid and more of the interest. So if you pay 25% you would be contributing to the interest if that makes more sense, while still putting aside a sum for your future. Would that be a fair compromise?

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 12:44

So it's OK for him to accumulate wealth while she pays part of his mortgage but its not OK for her to make savings on her own right.

Of course not. But she can surely save the difference between the rent she was paying and the current lower rent.

CatsArePeople · 25/09/2021 12:48

Less security I understand. More inconvenience? Why? More housework? If it’s shared 50/50, I’d say less. More responsibility? Again, how? The prospect of it going tits up is the same whether or not rent’s paid.

For starters - a whole new other kid to co-parent.

ohdelay · 25/09/2021 12:51

Stay at your place OP and keep your independence. You both have kids who are your own individual priorities and moving will make you worse off and less secure. He's not doing anything wrong in asking for rent and you're not doing anything wrong in saying no and staying where you are if it makes you worse off.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 25/09/2021 14:15

@Shirleyphallus

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

This ^
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 25/09/2021 14:55

@Shirleyphallus

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

Are you in a romantic relationship with your landlord? Or do you see your current relationship as being the same as a landlord/ tenant?

They’re in a relationship. They should both be benefiting equally from their financial situation.

postingfortraffichere · 25/09/2021 14:55

On reflection I agree with posters saying you are in the wrong OP. As paying rent in an appreciating asset is no different to paying a private landlord.

So for that reason I think you should stay living separately until you can both buy property jointly or else a lot of resentment is likely going to build up on both sides.

Blossomtoes · 25/09/2021 15:05

Are you in a romantic relationship with your landlord? Or do you see your current relationship as being the same as a landlord/ tenant?

Where finances are concerned romance has to take a back seat. Money is inherently unromantic. You can’t eat romance.

QueenBee52 · 25/09/2021 15:05

Is OP returning

CatsArePeople · 25/09/2021 15:07

On reflection I agree with posters saying you are in the wrong OP. As paying rent in an appreciating asset is no different to paying a private landlord.

With landlord its is strictly a business arrangement. No housework, no childcare, no gifts. And absolutely no feelings or sex. This sort of semi-comittment that she also has to pay for... cool for him, shit for her. Especially shit for both children involved.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2021 15:19

Whatever you decide to pay, I hope that you are putting a value on the cost to your potential career/earning power if you are taking on all of the housework, food shopping (which you said you would pay all of) cleaning and childcare for an extra child.

Only you know how much or how little you would be taking on in this respect and how relevant this point might or might not be, but childcare doesn't stop when they are at school, you could be doing aftercare clubs/homework/school holidays/babysitting when he's working late - all of which might take more out of your time and energy to focus on your own career development/promotion and pension funds.
That could be a very real cost to you and I would be wary if he doesn't acknowledge.
I also don't think you should be promising to take on extra work that he is currently doing, in gratitude for him letting you live with him. 50/50 is the way to go, so that he doesn't gradually decide that he doesn't need to lift a finger and that all these services are part of the deal. I have seen this happen many times.
Its a partnership, so it should be fair to both sides. Its not just about who pays for what. Its only about things that have a clear monetary value.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2021 15:20

Sorry that should read,
Its NOT only about things that have a clear monetary value

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 25/09/2021 15:27

@Blossomtoes

Are you in a romantic relationship with your landlord? Or do you see your current relationship as being the same as a landlord/ tenant?

Where finances are concerned romance has to take a back seat. Money is inherently unromantic. You can’t eat romance.

If you’re in a relationship with someone and cohabiting, you should be making a life together and planning your futures together. Surely most people want to improve their situations mutually rather than one benefiting more than the other.
frazzledasarock · 25/09/2021 15:29

OP’s also paying for furniture storage and has a longer commute due to the location of the house.

How much are your P’s monthly mortgage payments anyway would £700 be fifty percent of his mortgage payments or is he getting more out of you?

I wouldn’t move in with him.

CatsArePeople · 25/09/2021 15:31

Where finances are concerned romance has to take a back seat. Money is inherently unromantic. You can’t eat romance.

Marriage with a prenuptial agreement would be a sensible solution here.

Scrumbleton · 25/09/2021 15:43

I agree with an earlier poster that if this was reversed and you were a man you’d be accused of being a cocklodger. My partner moved in with me 5 years ago. We agreed a monthly contribution to broadly equal half all bills and a rental amount. Like what your BF suggests - this allowed him to save money as his outgoings were less than living alone. He used this money to save a deposit for a buy to let which has made him a great nest egg. We are getting married next year and will continue the arrangement. I will redo my will then and leave him the lifetime right to my/our home with it passing to my DD after his death if I go first.
Sorry but YABU

Draineddraineddrained · 25/09/2021 15:43

Honestly consider why you actually want to live with him. If you are enjoying being in a relationship, you both have children whose lives would be disrupted by you cohabiting, and you aren't on the same page about how it should work - why bother? What is gained?

In your position I would carry on seeing him, keep your independence at least until your kids leave home, and then see what you both bring to the table. After all if it's a good relationship it will keep.

Scrumbleton · 25/09/2021 15:44

I wouldn’t pay to store furniture for more than 6 months - sell the it and keep the money separate

Dozer · 25/09/2021 15:51

When there are no DC, each party can weigh up the personal costs, benefits and risks of cohabiting in a property only one of them owns.

I lived with DH before marriage, in a property he had a mortgage on and in retrospect I took more financial risk than was wise! Luckily it worked out.

With DC to consider, though, IMO housing security needs to be a very high priority.

Talktalkchat · 25/09/2021 15:54

Women is given a place to live and reduction in outgoings, but it’s the mans fault.

Dozer · 25/09/2021 16:00

It’s not being ‘given’ she’d be paying half the costs (when she earns less than a third of his salary) plus her own costs (furniture storage etc) and would have no housing security.

DamnUserName21 · 25/09/2021 16:04

@Talktalkchat

Women is given a place to live and reduction in outgoings, but it’s the mans fault.
Very , very few posters have 'blamed' the DP for anything. Some have very much supported his stance. Some have felt it is in OP's interests to stay put. But don't make out the DP is doing the OP a favour by giving her a place to live(she isn't homeless!), she'll be paying her way, monetarily as well as through chores & childcare.