Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

Why buy all the food & do all the housework?!

Pay half of everything & get a cleaner!

His mortgage payment / the food / the bills.

The trouble with just paying half of everything is that she earns a fraction of what he does, and wouldn't choose to pay for these things in the first place eg. sky. So she'll get left with nothing at the end of the month and he'll have his sky subsidised. I think proportion of earnings is fairer.

Tbh I think you should stay out. Doesn't sound like
You're ready to move in together. If you do move in then of course you should pay half the rent and half the mortgage

I'd pay half the rent, but only half the housework.

How's that supposed to work? You cook your own dinner, nothing for him? Or leave his clothes out when doing the laundry? Or only do vacuuming, but never mopping?

If she's doing any housework, it would be into his house.

@CatsArePeople

I'd pay half the rent, but only half the housework.

How's that supposed to work? You cook your own dinner, nothing for him? Or leave his clothes out when doing the laundry? Or only do vacuuming, but never mopping?

If she's doing any housework, it would be into his house.

She does the cooking he does the laundry? 😂😂😂 I think he should be hiring a cleaner on that salary

I don’t see the issue. You’re offering to pay a few quid more in bills and shopping but not paying anything for accommodation. You’re looking to move in and live off the back of him

I think you should a) sit down together and figure out what all the bills(Inc rent) would be for all of you in his house, b) write down both your salaries c) split everything but if one of you earns a lot more, they pay more as a percentage. Chores should be shared!

He’s cheeky and greedy to ask you for any money seeing he’s on 100k!

But you expecting free accommodation and no bills is not cheeky or greedy?

When my girlfriend (now wife) moved in with me she was a trainee accountant earning not very much and I was on a decent salary. I had my own place that had about 10 years of mortgage payments against it. I did not ask her for rent despite her insisting paying something, I was happy for her to make a small contribution to bills or buy the odd meal. She had always been financially independent and it did not sit easy with her to be seen 'taking the piss'. I knew she was carrying some student debt and I suggested that any rent that she used to pay on her old flat should be used to pay off her loans. If we later decided to buy our own place she would be in a stronger position with regards to mortgage applications. If she had just rocked up and stated 'you earn X so you can afford to pay for everything' I don't think I would have been too impressed with the sense of entitlement despite me being able to afford to pay for everything.

I don't think you sound ready to move in together.

If you do., be aware you can speak to a family lawyer and her an agreement drawn up (assuming he agrees) that you would receive something back for the appreciation of his asset in the event of a split

I think the household chores should be shared. If he hasn't time then hd needs tp pay for a cleaner to do his share. But just because he earns more you shouldn't be expecting to live rent free. If this was the high earning woman subsidising a man everyone would be up in arms.

If you do., be aware you can speak to a family lawyer and her an agreement drawn up (assuming he agrees) that you would receive something back for the appreciation of his asset in the event of a split

But monies from that asset will not be realised unless he sells the property or are you expecting him to pay a sum out of his savings based on a theoretical % increased house valuation from Zoopla at the time of any split?

I have to confess it is only MN where I see people suggesting that couples moving in together instantly draw up legal documents that hand over a % of somebody else's asset.

There are no sure things in life, when my ex and I broke up it did not even cross my mind to think that I was entitled to part of her property that I had been living in. I had paid a below market rent and my share of bills but if I started demanding a share of the appreciated value of her property she would have told me to fuck off, and rightly so.

I don't think who pays for everything should be the be all or end all. My relationship wouldn't have lasted if we pinned down who owned every penny.
Firstly ironically dh was so brainwash tight by his pathetic dad that he used to come out and forget his wallet. It was extraordinary. Myself and much poorer friends, renting (he in how own family home) would have to subsidise him!

My family and friends also put him up numerous times, took him out my family for endless dinners or cooked him beautifully meals... He stayed all over the UK in places owned by my friends or family and yet to stay one night in his house was a massive massive deal to his family and certainly no dinners out and the odd meal.

Then he moved in with me renting... And our income was equal but we had a chance to buy and it was his dp who kindly put the deposit down.

So suddenly my rented home was owned by him and I paid toward the mortgage and some bills but fell pregnant.

Then we had a hard ten years whilst I was a sahm.
Then I was given some of ££ by dp as early inheritance and now I am working again as well... And it's my ££ funding house renovations, providing the cushion for us...

Basically it's been swings and roundabouts.

I wouldn't move in with him.
He's getting a handy tenant and his hole and a lot of other frills.
This benefits him, not you.

Does he want to marry you? Has he made a serious and concrete commitment to marriage?

@Beachshell

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

I would stay where I was to be honest, reassess in 6 months or so.

Basically if he expects you to assume the lion’s share of the risk and inconvenience, think very carefully about taking this further.

You should be meeting challenges as a team.

@DillonPanthersTexas

He’s cheeky and greedy to ask you for any money seeing he’s on 100k!

But you expecting free accommodation and no bills is not cheeky or greedy?

When my girlfriend (now wife) moved in with me she was a trainee accountant earning not very much and I was on a decent salary. I had my own place that had about 10 years of mortgage payments against it. I did not ask her for rent despite her insisting paying something, I was happy for her to make a small contribution to bills or buy the odd meal. She had always been financially independent and it did not sit easy with her to be seen 'taking the piss'. I knew she was carrying some student debt and I suggested that any rent that she used to pay on her old flat should be used to pay off her loans. If we later decided to buy our own place she would be in a stronger position with regards to mortgage applications. If she had just rocked up and stated 'you earn X so you can afford to pay for everything' I don't think I would have been too impressed with the sense of entitlement despite me being able to afford to pay for everything.

Absolutely!!

It's the entitleness that seems to have gone adrift here.

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

I think this says it all. He doesn’t need the ‘rent’ and you are taking a greater risk. Tbh I think you should see this as a wake up call about moving in. He doesn’t care about the sacrifices you are making and he wants it all his own way. If he was committed he would want to marry and expect a proportion of earnings, particularly given the fact you have a child to support, not have you move in and pay half of every little thing knowing full well that you earn far less than him.

Our son [29] is buying his flat with a mortgage. He has been there a couple of years now.
His girlfriend moved in with him a few weeks ago. They sorted a rent figure plus half of the outgoings and they split food bills equally. Her rent to our son is still less than on her rented flat so the arrangement benefits them both. It didn't seem fair to me that she should not be paying 'rent' and expecting our son to pay it all.

I have to confess it is only MN where I see people suggesting that couples moving in together instantly draw up legal documents that hand over a % of somebody else's asset.

If they were 20yo students, just "trying it out" - would be a different story. Now there's so much more at stake and especially the woman needs to prioritize her own security. In my opinion it should be all or nothing. Marriage, not playing house.

When DH moved in with me into my mortgaged flat he paid all the bills and I continued to pay the mortgage. In monetary terms it was about the same. I saved by having him live with me as did he as he was no longer renting and was paying bill as before. So on balance I agree with your OH.

@IamMaz so your happy that the girlfriend is helping fund your sons flat.

What happens when she has a kid and they split, she'll have virtually no savings and he'll be sitting pretty with a chunk of his flat paid by her money.
No opportunity for her to get on the housing ladder.

Makes more sense for him to pay his own mortgage that he can afford on his own. And for her to put her savings an account so they can both contribute equally to their next house together or she has security if they split.

Makes more sense for him to pay his own mortgage that he can afford on his own. And for her to put her savings an account so they can both contribute equally to their next house together or she has security if they split

It would make more sense for her. So she lives rent free until they split then she walks away with savings she’s accumulated at his expense. The male equivalent would, quite rightly, be called cocklodgery.

@Lockdownbear

She's actually got MORE disposable income now than she had previously when she rented her own flat.

She's actually got MORE disposable income now than she had previously when she rented her own flat.

But less security, more inconvenience, extra housework and responisibilities. And a prospect that it will all go tits up soon enough.

If they were 20yo students, just "trying it out" - would be a different story. Now there's so much more at stake and especially the woman needs to prioritize her own security. In my opinion it should be all or nothing. Marriage, not playing house

But equally its a huge risk for the property owner to let someone move in with them on the basis the other person is financially compensated if it does not work out. It's not exactly a big incentive if you are mortgage free to allow anyone to move in with you if through no fault of your own the relationship ends and you find yourself on the hook for £000s. It's not just 20 year olds 'trying it out', any aged couple moving in together and taking their relationship to the next level are 'trying it out' and there is no guarantee it can work out. Let's be honest if you are not compatible living together that is going to present itself as an issue fairly early on, not several years down the line. If you decide to stay unmarried in an unsatisfactory relationship under the same roof then that's on you.