Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

Pm

I don't really get why people are saying he should be grateful for OP offering cleaning, cooking, childcare etc in exchange for herself and her child living in his house largely for free.

Does he want these things? Does he even need them? Maybe he manages all this fine by himself currently and so that offer is not as attractive as people are feeling it is. Personally, I wouldn't be happy for someone to offer me this in lieu of payment for living in my house, (unless they genuinely couldn't afford to pay).

From the OP, her partner has not linked anything to his mortgage at all. He has not asked OP to pay half of his mortgage, he has asked for half of the saving she is making. I DO NOT think this is a reasonable ask from him, BUT I do think that it's reasonable for OP to pay more than just 50% of bills, in recognition of the fact that he will be paying to house both her and her daughter.

I don't think it's OK for OP and her child to live in her partner's house for just 50% of the bills. I also think it's way muddier to offer to pay for all of the food, toiletries, and cleaning products for the house....that could surely end up more expensive for OP than an agreed amount of rent?? Who decides what's on the shopping list?!

There is a huge spectrum available between paying just 50% of the bills and handing over half of what is being saved in rent.

Exactly. Which is why I don't understand why everyone's assuming that this arrangement leaves her with less security than she has in her current rental. Presumably she has some kind of lease limiting when and how she can be forced to leave, but it sounds like she's also paying more for that than she would be here

Because under a legal tenancy agreement, as she currently has, the landlord has to follow the law in order to evict her. They have to give notice, there’s a legal route if she doesn’t leave, which, if needed, would buy her more time to move out.

If she moves in with her partner and pays rent with no legal agreement in place, he can literally kick her out with zero notice, just walk in the door after work and kick her and her child out with no warning.

That’s why she would have less security.

Now you might argue that as she is possibly saving money by living with him, she has that to fall back on. But A. We don’t actually know how much this would be, and B. That does negate the impact on her child of being kicked out on the street and living out of a hotel or something until she can get a new place.

If you're worse off financially moving then any REASONABLE partner would take that into consideration when moving in. They would also take into account the 'luxury' bills that just they want. So no, I wouldn't be happy with his suggestion. Like you said, all the risk for you, none for him. He is much better off financially and you are worse off. You should be paying something to live there definitely though, a good partner would want to put you in this situation

So you want to live rent free. YABU

@aintnousernamelikenousername

If you're worse off financially moving then any REASONABLE partner would take that into consideration when moving in. They would also take into account the 'luxury' bills that just they want. So no, I wouldn't be happy with his suggestion. Like you said, all the risk for you, none for him. He is much better off financially and you are worse off. You should be paying something to live there definitely though, a good partner would want to put you in this situation

Yes.

@Flufferty

So you want to live rent free. YABU

RTFT

You should take out the extra expenses ie bigger bills/ petrol etc then split the saving between you so it’s win win for both of you. Food and other variable expenses would then be split evenly between you

I suggest saving your share of the “profit” so that if the worse comes to the worst then you have money behind you to start up again.

I actually think in these scenarios, so that you are BOTH on an equal footing, the person who owns the house should rent out the house to tenants meanwhile you and the now homeless boyfriend should rent a new place together. It means both children are equal, you both split bills/rent etc, neither child can say to the other this is my house not yours, no one can throw the other out on the basis it’s their house.

The biggest bonus is that both of you choose stuff to bring to the new home. I think there was a story similar to this a couple of days ago where the woman had moved in as she didn’t own, had given up all her furniture etc and now looking to move out and literally had to start from scratch.

I think if he sits and thinks about your needs then he should choose this option.

You are already paying rent towards someone else’s mortgage and paying the bills. So it seems reasonable to me. As far as it not working out if you are so unsure perhaps your not ready to commit.

I haven't RTFT but I've read your posts OP. I am totally with you on this one. Also, is romance completely dead? Asking for rent is actually quite embarrassing in this case. He is already gaining financially by you moving in, you've offered to buy all the food, he owns a multi bedroom property, he earns over 100k, yet he wants your rent to pay his mortgage. How unattractive.

@Pixxie7

You are already paying rent towards someone else’s mortgage and paying the bills. So it seems reasonable to me. As far as it not working out if you are so unsure perhaps your not ready to commit.

Dear god! Another one ignoring the legal protects her tenancy agreement gives her and her child, that the new arrangement wouldn’t. No wonder women get fucked over so much.

And as for thoughts of what would happen in the event of a split, that’s called being mature and practical, along with being a good parent. Going in wearing rose tinted glasses and believing nothing can go wrong because you’re soooo in love, is incredibly naive.

I think you should tell him your willing to do 40/60 on bills Electric, Gas Council Tax. Because his house is bigger than your old one, That your internet bill was X amount, so your willing to pay half that only. You won't pay for his extras, as your willing to go without as they mean nothing to you. SKY ect.
That as he wants equal bills so on food your willing to contribute your normal bill for food, as he is a man and eats more and will want more expensive foods, drink,. That on top of this your willing to give him half the rent you normally pay.
This way you should be saving money on Bills, money on Rent .
This way you can build up some savings.
Tell him he also gets help with all the household chores.

Get on the deeds and start paying into the mortgage. Speak to a solicitor about drawing up a way to do this fairly so that if you split up you aren't left with nothing and he has everything.

That's what I would be doing.

Who says romance is dead! I personally wouldn’t touch a guy with a bargepole who wanted me to move in, earns over 100k and wasn’t satisfied with having money for all the food, half the bills plus housework and cooking etc and asked for rent money.

Bearing in mind the disparity in income, I'd think he was rubbing his hands together expecting you to pay half the bills, plus rent
You stand to lose a lot more than you gain. I don't just mean financially, he doesn't seem very caring and I think resentment would eventually creep in
Think of your Daughter. You're uprooting her life with no guarantee of stability

He owns and lives in the house. It's his liability. If he wants a contribution to the rent, he can get a lodger, not a lover.

Yes, share the utilities costs and the council tax. Subsistence should be divided equally, as should the division of labour looking after the house.

@Crikeyalmighty

Who says romance is dead! I personally wouldn’t touch a guy with a bargepole who wanted me to move in, earns over 100k and wasn’t satisfied with having money for all the food, half the bills plus housework and cooking etc and asked for rent money.

And childcare!!!

What a prince🙄not.

He is not being unreasonable to ask for rent, this is very common where one partner owns a house and the other doesn’t. That said,
you’re not being unreasonable to not want your boyfriend as landlord but with no tenant rights, and I see you’d also have the joy of cooking / cleaning while he gets the appreciating asset. You’d resent that and clearly do already which wouldn’t be good for the relationship.

In the situation you describe I don’t think it makes sense for you to move into his house with your child.

I’d suggest you live separately until you decide if you want to marry and then at that point move in with joint finances.

Another option would be to look to rent somewhere else together - but I doubt he’d agree to that, I wouldn’t, because being a owner-occupier is much nicer than being a tenant.

Good luck, this is a tricky one.

He’s cheeky and greedy to ask you for any money seeing he’s on 100k!

[quote minatrina]@Veronika13 🤣🤣 if making assumptions about my financial life makes you feel better about being with a stingy man then crack on love[/quote]
Why would he give half of tens of millions of pounds to a girlfriend, without protecting hard earned money, do you not see how unwise that is?

Once the relationship deepened then everything became half and half, of course.

But you wouldn't understand. As the meme says, 'we are not the same'.

@Veronika13 but we are discussing a relationship that's deepened - they're planning their futures together?

Whatever makes you feel better 🤣

@Veronika13 and besides, at what point did I suggest OP's partner gives her half his net worth...?

No I wouldn't increase my expenses and commute to live with him. The most batshit thing in this is that you've decided that your role of woman means you'll be cleaning and cooking for him. Mental.

I feel you're moving in and assuming "wife" mode (I hasten to add that this is not how my house runs), he will provide financially more, you'll do the cooking, cleaning etc.

You mentioned in your first post about the cooking etc. Why? Why would you take on all that? It's almost like you're expecting to live rent free because you're doing house work?

It's not really a balanced relationship IMO.

I'd pay half the rent, but only half the housework.