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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 24/09/2021 17:09

He earns over three times what you do and he wants you to pay half and give up your security? No deal.

Stay separate while you save up for a deposit and buy somewhere shared.

Autumngoldleaf · 24/09/2021 17:13

Leana 007

X a billion

We don't use the people we love.
If however we are broke, struggling.. Lost a job about to loose a house then maybe we all chuck in to keep things afloat but we don't profit when we don't need too.
If you want to go down that road you need too cost everything.. House work, cooking rates... Time spent choosing food.. The extra petrol to schools.. If he is going to profit from you, you do really need to pin down every penny.

This doesn't sound like love and if I was him I'd be rubbing my hands with glee! Someone to pay my mortgage but with no claim on my house, someone to pay the bills I already acrue!

And to boot.. A cleaner and a cook and child care.. But that part is free.. Yippee

LittleOwl153 · 24/09/2021 17:13

Oh and don't forget you will loose child benefit for your son as he is earning over £60k. There is another £2000 (Actually I'd hang on to that and he can pay the tax.).

Spidersinmyhair · 24/09/2021 17:14

You need to find the mid way point at which you will both be saving money compared to your previous situations.

Mummadeze · 24/09/2021 17:16

I would offer less but still offer something so he still feels like you are making a contribution. I earn more than my partner but he gives me £150 a week towards living expenses and I then pay for everything. If he didn’t give me this, I would feel resentful towards him in terms of responsibility. It is quite a lot of his earnings but I don’t want to feel taken advantage of.

comingintomyown · 24/09/2021 17:18

@KTheGrey

He earns over three times what you do and he wants you to pay half and give up your security? No deal.

Stay separate while you save up for a deposit and buy somewhere shared.

I agree, think very carefully before giving up where you live that sounds great. Why do you want to move in with him ?
YankeeDad · 24/09/2021 17:18

@Lena007

To chuck in another perspective.

Asuming I was earning £100k and my DP was on £30k.

I would offer him to move in and pay 50-50 if I was thinking about it more like a business transaction (more savings for me) and/ or FWB rather than a proper long term relationship with future prospects, kids, marriage. I.e. we join up, it is going to be cheaper and more convenient for me and my life isn't going to be impacted if I decide to finish it. All on my terms essentially because it is still my property we live in. I set up the rules because money is power.

If I wanted to be in a proper relationship with DP, it wouldn't have anything to do with financial gain and we would work out another solution so we can both benefit from it but at the same time we both feel secure and equal. I wouldn't dream of wanting him to pay 50-50 in this situation, leaving everything behind, uprooting DC, having to spend much more time on traveling to work/school and expecting him to cook, clean and look after my DC on the top of that.

Don't let him use you OP. Keep your eyes open.

I agree 100% with the above!

You have put it more clearly and succinctly than what I was able to do.

oreo2020 · 24/09/2021 17:21

Fair on him. I think it would be fair for you to pay lodger rent and half of bills. Or some of the bills. Who will be cooking and cleaning, that's irrelevant.
Once you married that will change, but for now I think YANBU.

Blossomtoes · 24/09/2021 17:21

@LittleOwl153

Oh and don't forget you will loose child benefit for your son as he is earning over £60k. There is another £2000 (Actually I'd hang on to that and he can pay the tax.).
Surely not? Wouldn’t their finances have to be linked for that?
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 24/09/2021 17:23

Essentially you’ll be paying towards his mortgage so you ought to have a stake in the property. You don’t have to get married to do this. Get your name on the mortgage and get the property transferred into both of your names - any solicitor/conveyancer will be able to draw up the correct deeds in order for your partner to keep all of the equity in currently accrued in the property, and also to ensure that this share of the property is passed to his child rather than you (if that’s what he wants). If you have savings you could also put some into the property at the same time on the same basis.

leavesthataregreen · 24/09/2021 17:28

Why don't you get married? That way the house belongs to both of you and your contribution is also your own asset.

libertyfarmboots · 24/09/2021 17:28

Tbh I don’t really see what you’re gaining from this set up in general

Faithtrusts · 24/09/2021 17:33

I'm confused here... some people are saying that he wants half the mortgage from you. I read your post as he only wants half of what your current rent is (700 of 1400) and you have made no reference to how much mortgage is is actually paying.

Which given rent where ever you are is 1400 for a one bed flat, then a Mortgage for a 4 bed house could be significantly more

So question is .. for clarity are you being asked to pay half the mortgage? Or just half of what your rent has been so you can save the other 700 for yourself?

CatsArePeople · 24/09/2021 17:34

OP, unfortunately it’s his house so he gets to call the shots. If you don’t like it then stay where you are. He clearly thinks you should be paying something to live there so even if you persuaded him you should live there for free he will just resent you for it in the long run..

He may as well get very demanding that housework and childcare is performed to the standard he wants.

SandraGreen · 24/09/2021 17:35

@maddening

He rents his house out and you both rent a house together, paying half each.
Agree this is the way to go.
Talktalkchat · 24/09/2021 17:36

@leavesthataregreen

Why don't you get married? That way the house belongs to both of you and your contribution is also your own asset.
Because he doesn’t want that, does he
TwinsandTrifle · 24/09/2021 17:42

So question is .. for clarity are you being asked to pay half the mortgage? Or just half of what your rent has been so you can save the other 700 for yourself?

This!!! Why is no one getting this? She paying half what her existing costs are. And the extra %age of bills is not going to come to anything like £700.

I posted it earlier, a proper calc. Even when you take into account the child benefit she'll lose (£20 a week essentially) she is literally hundreds a month better of than she is now. Whining that he can use some of that money towards his (likely to be large) mortgage payment, is somewhat cutting her nose off to spite her face. All she's got to lose is a flat that she can rent another any time she wants. God forbid he gains as well as she does. And yes to the poster who think she's offering to do all the housework etc in the hope he'll accept this instead of her paying her way. This is a test period for both of them.

Talktalkchat · 24/09/2021 17:47

@Sandragreen he would had to declare income and it would cost him thousands in tax, so no way should he have that nor a nightmare tenant

Talktalkchat · 24/09/2021 17:47

@TwinsandTrifle

So question is .. for clarity are you being asked to pay half the mortgage? Or just half of what your rent has been so you can save the other 700 for yourself?

This!!! Why is no one getting this? She paying half what her existing costs are. And the extra %age of bills is not going to come to anything like £700.

I posted it earlier, a proper calc. Even when you take into account the child benefit she'll lose (£20 a week essentially) she is literally hundreds a month better of than she is now. Whining that he can use some of that money towards his (likely to be large) mortgage payment, is somewhat cutting her nose off to spite her face. All she's got to lose is a flat that she can rent another any time she wants. God forbid he gains as well as she does. And yes to the poster who think she's offering to do all the housework etc in the hope he'll accept this instead of her paying her way. This is a test period for both of them.

Thank you.

Them yes it 100% a good move!

TwinsandTrifle · 24/09/2021 17:49

It's sort of like saying, if I move in with Fred, I'll save £400 a month. But Fred saves £600 a month. So that's not fair, I'd rather keep spending the extra £400.

The worst that can happen is she moves out at some point into exactly the same circumstances she's in now. He's gained a bit more off his mortgage. She's gained a bit more in her savings.

DrSbaitso · 24/09/2021 17:51

The worst that can happen is she moves out at some point into exactly the same circumstances she's in now.

She has a particularly good landlord now and may not get that again. And her child will have experienced a lot of disruption.

jimmyjammy001 · 24/09/2021 17:53

You see how much is 4 bed would rent out for then you split it 50/50, whether he has a mortgage of the property is irrelevant, you would quite happily pay a landlord that, but are against paying someone you know that money. If your paying 1400 for a 1 bed flat then for a 4 he'd house would be alot alot more, you are probably saving loads at only 700 a month to what it would cost to rent out that 4 bed house

KirstenBlest · 24/09/2021 17:53

Two years isn't very long when there are DC involved

Iloveabourbon2 · 24/09/2021 17:55

@DrSbaitso

The worst that can happen is she moves out at some point into exactly the same circumstances she's in now.

She has a particularly good landlord now and may not get that again. And her child will have experienced a lot of disruption.

That's for OP to weigh up It's a risk she doesn't have to take... but at some point she will or he will have to move in together if she wants marriage and so on.
Faithtrusts · 24/09/2021 17:56

@TwinsandTrifle thank you this was exactly what I was reading from the get go too and was wondering what the issue actually was as it could be win win.