Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@NailsNeedDoing

What your boyfriend expects is reasonable, half of the bills and half of what you’re saving on rent seems perfectly fair. You’re an adult, with a child on £30k a year, It’s bloody ridiculous for you to expect free rent for two people.

Half of the bills is only unfair if you’re expected for sky sports or football channels that you’d never watch or similar.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago except I was the one with the house. Thankfully my dp knew it was only right that he pay his own way in life and didn’t need to be asked to contribute.

It's bloody ridiculous for a woman with a child, a job and a place of her own to be expected to give that up for the status of a lodger.

That kind of thinking is why women get themselves into such stupid situations.

OP should not accept the terms bf is offering to feather his own nest at her expense, nor put herself and her child in a precarious position.

To cohabit they should buy a place together so they have equal share, equal responsibility (including the housework).

I find it incredible that so many women think this is acceptable.

Or do what @Howshouldibehave suggested, essentially behave like his housemate. That's what he's asking, his suggestion is no different to someone buying a house then a friend renting a room. But do not, whatever happens, take on all domestic duties, a housemate wouldn't do that. He's not really suggesting you live as a partners, in that case contributions, both financially and domestically could be negotiated differently, so don't be his free housekeeper/nanny too.

There's not a right or wrong answer to this. People just view money differently.

But whatever you do, you need to be on the same page.

I think my outlook would be similar to yours and if he's earning £100k+ then I'd be surprised he was asking for money from a partner earning a third of that.

If he thinks so differently to you on this then maybe you're not very compatible.

YANBU

And no idea why you are planning to buy all his food and clean up after him. These men will never marry.

@JaneLivesHere

It really sounds like you would be better staying where you are. You are answering your own dilemma really. You have security where you are and it would not be sensible to give this up to do an experimental 'shall we live together' thing.

I agree. Financially you need to be equal. When I sold my house and moved in to my boyf I paid half the bills, food and half of all our leisure activities and clothes for his children. But I never paid rent. If we didn't work the house was his I had nowhere. The proceeds from the sale of my home went on our wedding. We both saved and finally bought together. The money I would have paid in rent went into the savings pot. So he benefited in the long run. Now all our money is shared.

I think this is complicated and needs a bit more thought on both your parts: if his is the only name on the deeds & mortgage then technically I think you have few rights if things go awry, and they frequently do.

Whilst you do definitely need to pay your fair share, you're doing little more than giving up the security of an existing tenancy that is protected by law, for nothing more than the expectation of a continued roof over your head in a relationship. If you're uncomfortable about this, suggest you seek a third party's financial input to make sure you aren't living there free-of-charge and he has an obligation to ensure you aren't going to be turfed out. All good wishes,

It's easy to see why women daily post on here describing the most mystifyingly oppressive situations.

Don't listen to the mumsnet hive mind, OP. It doesn't like women.

Why on earth will you be doing the majority of the cooking and housework? He has clearly been able to manage his own cooking and housework up until now so why would that change once you move in? I will never understand why some women knowingly put themselves in these positions.

So moving into his home is potentially going to cost you more money AND more time and energy, as you will also be taking on caring for the needs of another adult. Why would you do that to yourself? Meanwhile, his costs will go down and he will get a maid and cook thrown into the bargain.

If you don't value yourself then nobody else will. The finances are the least of your problems here.

It's bloody ridiculous for a woman with a child, a job and a place of her own to be expected to give that up for the status of a lodger.

Sorry, she's going to lose her job? And be hundreds a month better off and able to save more than she can on her own. And be able to rent a other flat at any point she likes?

Yes she loses renting her current flat and halves her housing costs. Why the uproar because she's paying for where she's going to be living and this is going to part pay the mortgage for a couple of years into the house she's not bought in any shape or form until this point, but will happily accept all the equity he's established for when they move to a future marital home.

YADDNBU

I did this, paid rent to a partner, who had a big house with a mortgage, I did it because I wasn’t assertive enough to demand to be on the mortgage.

I had my own home. I moved because he lived near his kids. We were in love and I compromised.

BIG MISTAKE!

Wound up having loads of hassle renting out my home, shelling out loads more than I would have if I’d carried on living there. All the while subsiding BF and his mortgage. He also had this psychological advantage, it never felt like my home. He’d shirk on maintenance and repairs because, ultimately, his home, his decision.

I then had to pay tax on any payments to me from my home, and remortgage to cover all the agency rental costs.

Then I eventually got fed up off BF, renting really affected our relationship as - he’d got everything he wanted - live in GF, no commitment, mortgage paid off early for him.

So I sold up my house and moved to another. But also, obviously, had to pay Capital Gains Tax on my property.

It costs me thousands. It cost me a large chunk of happiness. And it cost me being able to get back on the property ladder. Meanwhile, Ex has paid off his mortgage already because for 5 years he got double paid!

I came onto mumsnet at the time to lament - and almost every person told me I shouldn’t have ever been so stupid as to rent in the first place!

To add, there's absolutely no requirement for her to do all the housework. I don't know why she's suggested that.

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

Then the 50/50 isn’t on. You should be paying in proportion of your wages.

Also no. Reason why you are taking on all the food shopping on your own either.

To add, there's absolutely no requirement for her to do all the housework. I don't know why she's suggested that.

Because its inevitable. She will do housework for herself and her own child, it will include cleaning after him and his child too.

To chuck in another perspective.

Asuming I was earning £100k and my DP was on £30k.

I would offer him to move in and pay 50-50 if I was thinking about it more like a business transaction (more savings for me) and/ or FWB rather than a proper long term relationship with future prospects, kids, marriage. I.e. we join up, it is going to be cheaper and more convenient for me and my life isn't going to be impacted if I decide to finish it. All on my terms essentially because it is still my property we live in. I set up the rules because money is power.

If I wanted to be in a proper relationship with DP, it wouldn't have anything to do with financial gain and we would work out another solution so we can both benefit from it but at the same time we both feel secure and equal. I wouldn't dream of wanting him to pay 50-50 in this situation, leaving everything behind, uprooting DC, having to spend much more time on traveling to work/school and expecting him to cook, clean and look after my DC on the top of that.

Don't let him use you OP. Keep your eyes open.

I read somewhere once that the things that niggle you at the start of a relationship are the things that break you up down the lines.

I can see both sides here but what I see most clearly is how it makes you feel.

@duckiemonster

Have I missed the part where OP says her partner expects her to do all the housework / look after his kid / become an unpad skivvy?! I don't think he has - the OP seems to have sort of assumed she will do it / volunteered this as part of her contribution towards living together. Perhaps he'd rather keep doing his share of the chores and looking after his child, and OP contribute properly financially? I know I would in his scenario.

This

There are a lot of posters berating him for “demanding” she pay half and “expecting” her do do all the housework. Based on nothing the op has said

He may well be perfectly aminable to a 77:23 split (which is the actual ratio of their earnings).

Op has had some sensible advice (pay in proportion, pay this for all bills, split housework) but some of the posters on here vlearly have agendas

@TwinsandTrifle

It's bloody ridiculous for a woman with a child, a job and a place of her own to be expected to give that up for the status of a lodger.

Sorry, she's going to lose her job? And be hundreds a month better off and able to save more than she can on her own. And be able to rent a other flat at any point she likes?

Yes she loses renting her current flat and halves her housing costs. Why the uproar because she's paying for where she's going to be living and this is going to part pay the mortgage for a couple of years into the house she's not bought in any shape or form until this point, but will happily accept all the equity he's established for when they move to a future marital home.

but will happily accept all the equity he's established for when they move to a future marital home.

Nope, the reality is
but will happily accept all the equity he's established for IF ^they move to a future marital home.

The IF is the most important part. There is certainty there, esp as they’ve never lived together.
I think that the OP being careful is right there.

IF (and when) they buy something together, then the situation will be different (maybe - see the difference in wages)

Sorry it should be

There is NO certainty there

Your gut is telling you this isn't right for a reason.- you keep house and pay half the living costs when he earns 3X what you do, with no security for you and your child.
Fuck that

Grabby and free loading ether live rent free off him or pay rent .
he's paid deposit maintenance property for years years of mortgage payments .
you can't honestly expect him to risk all that for a few mortgage contributions to have a stake in it .

@CatsArePeople

To add, there's absolutely no requirement for her to do all the housework. I don't know why she's suggested that.

Because its inevitable. She will do housework for herself and her own child, it will include cleaning after him and his child too.

It doesn’t say anywhere that he has asked her to do this, she has stupidly OFFERED to be housemaid for him (probably in the hope that he’d then turn around and say she doesn’t have to pay any upkeep).

OP, unfortunately it’s his house so he gets to call the shots. If you don’t like it then stay where you are. He clearly thinks you should be paying something to live there so even if you persuaded him you should live there for free he will just resent you for it in the long run. It’s never going to be a happy ending if two people want completely different things.

For those saying "if it were a man" etc, I've yet to see a similar thread where the man is expected to pay half the mortgage AS WELL AS providing all housework and most of the cooking.

I'm sorry but if I were OP I wouldn't be up for this deal. It's not the paying rent (though I do agree, she's losing all of her security and can be turfed out on a whim) but she's adding so much to her life and he's changing nothing. What else is she getting out of this?

Honestly if a man were saying he was signing up to do all of the housework, most of the cooking, paying half the bills and mortgage, I'd also tell him he was losing out on that deal. The mental load of organising all the household shite cannot be overstated. I'd happily stay in my own apartment if these were my options. Personally.

If he doesn't want to do half the housework then at least he needs to get a cleaner in for some of the essentials, because he will clearly be able to afford it under this arrangement. There's zero reason for you to be doing it all.

Nope, the reality is
but will happily accept all the equity he's established for IF ^they move to a future marital home.

The IF is the most important part. There is certainty there, esp as they’ve never lived together.
I think that the OP being careful is right there.

Ah, yes I agree it's an if. If they do, she's hundreds a month better off every month beforehand (than she is, currently, on her own). And then gets all the equity that has been built up by him, for free.

If they don't, she's hundreds a month better off every month beforehand (than she is, currently, on her own).

Either way, she's financially better off. I don't get this "she's lost all her security." It's a flat, from a landlord, who might want to sell up next year for all we know. Flats are always available. And she'll have much better savings from every month she's living with him if she needs to rent her own again one day.

Here's my two penith worth!
I'd first of all work out how much it would actually cost you in additional costs - storage for your furniture additional travel etc. Then how much you's save paying half the bills at his house + rent. If your are better off pop the remainder into a savings fund for either your self if it all goes tit's up or towards a property of your own if this is a success. See if he would work out the same i.e. asking him if he would put into a savings account what he would save with you paying half. For exactly the same reason - to save towards a property together etc. I'd also insist on a proper tenancy agreement and if the relationship developed then insist you are named on this or any other propertie's deeds.