Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

I think a percentage approach is fairer with wage difference.

I paid my DH (initially my BF) rent on his mortgaged house for several years. The money I paid him was cheaper than the rent for the loft room I was renting in a shared house. Less money, more space and living with someone I loved seemed like a no-brainier at the time. I was in no position to buy my own place so I didn't feel I was losing out on an opportunity there.

We've moved since then and now have a joint mortgage. 100% of the deposit was equity from his house but in his eyes that had become a joint asset and he treated it that way with the purchase. It's not something we discussed when moving in together but it evolved that way with our relationship.

[quote Beachshell]@MrsWombat

Thank you. This is exactly my point. It’s about security for me and my child. His proposed arrangement works very nicely for him, but puts me in a precarious position. He’s not losing anything by me and my child living there, in fact he’s gaining monetarily by having half of all the bills paid. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman. I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to contribute more than half the bills if I was the one with the mortgage and suggesting he lived with me, whilst being fully aware of what he’s sacrificing (security, furniture, longer commute). In my mind, I’m paying the mortgage anyway as it’s my asset and something for my child to inherit one day, why would I ask someone to pay half of that? If I want a ‘partnership’ I’d be proposing buying a property together or marriage

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together.[/quote]
He wouldn't be gaining on the bills if half was paid for you as they are likely to double when you move in so you would just be paying for your half share.
It sounds like you are both at different stages in life tbh, you are talking about leaving any property to your child to inherit, I guess he dosent have any children and he probably wants to retire and spend his money and not leave any behind, that will come to blows one day as he will likely want to reitire early and live a luxury lifestlyle and you will want to hold back so that you are leaving money for your children. It dosent seem long term compatible to me, these are the conversations if be having at an early stage before any more time is invested into the relationship

@Blossomtoes

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

That’s what you’re doing with your landlord.

She’s not sleeping with her landlord though!

@premium77

Even teen/young adults pay their parents rent to live in their house. Why wouldn't you, a grown woman with a child, have to pay rent for a roof over your head?

Because teen/young adults aren't taking a massive risk and inconveniencing themselves by living with their parents. In fact it's the complete opposite.

OP, I'm someone who always pays her way (and more) even when I lived with my exH, but given the risk to your security, the longer commute for you and your child, the extra expenses you'll be paying on food, higher bills, extra time spent on household duties, it's very fair that you save the rent.

Any man who earns 100k plus and still expects his long term GF/future wife to contribute to his mortgage is not worth bothering with IMO.
I understand the idea or principle of 50/50 contributions but when the difference in salaries is so large it is ludicrous.
And more to the point men who are obsessed with so called 'fairness' in such a situation are likely to be tight bastards when the GF is pregnant and has a reduced income.
So this man is not worth bothering with as a long term prospect.

If he is really into the relationship then pay half the mortgage but anything you put in has a stake in the property. If not then you can save the money to pay for somewhere else if it all goes to crap. If you are a partnership then he should be ok with this

OP, I’m with you on this one - taking into account what you’ve said you’re going to pay for and contribute.
However, in your situation, this is what I’d do.
Calculate all the household costs - mortgage, utilities, council tax. Leave out the Sky package. Split these costs between you.
Draw up a housework rota - you’re not his mother or the hired help, he needs to do his share
Split the food bills proportionately.

PS I am a married woman with children (now adults) who has always earned far more than my then DP, now DH. We have had a joint account from early on, but in reality have lived largely off my income in financial terms. My DP/DH has always contributed in other ways such as childcare, cooking, cleaning. All our money is family money. OP please do be very wary of a man who can perfectly well afford his mortgage but still thinks his GF should be paying for it. Only agree to this if he agrees to change the deeds so that the house is jointly owned.

If you have Dc living with you wouldn’t give up your housing security, your DP could ask you all to leave at any time.

This doesn't sound like a good idea. I wouldn't be paying half his bills, when he earns 100k

You shouldn’t be doing all the housework this isn’t the fifties and you should absolutely be paying rent. I would say half the mortgage.

Your partners you need to pay your way, not live rent free.

@TwinsandTrifle

*Nope, the reality is but will happily accept all the equity he's established for IF ^they move to a future marital home.*

The IF is the most important part. There is certainty there, esp as they’ve never lived together.
I think that the OP being careful is right there.

Ah, yes I agree it's an if. If they do, she's hundreds a month better off every month beforehand (than she is, currently, on her own). And then gets all the equity that has been built up by him, for free.

If they don't, she's hundreds a month better off every month beforehand (than she is, currently, on her own).

Either way, she's financially better off. I don't get this "she's lost all her security." It's a flat, from a landlord, who might want to sell up next year for all we know. Flats are always available. And she'll have much better savings from every month she's living with him if she needs to rent her own again one day.

Well no she isn’t automatically better off.

Because of the wage difference and therefore the lifestyle difference, she has no choice but to pay much more tha she normally would for TV/electricity etc….
So I suspect she might not be able to put any money aside , esp if they really go 50/50.
On the top of that, if she needed to move back into her own flat, she would have to buy all new furniture etc… pay a deposit. All that as a cost, esp if it has to be done quickly (as it would be if they are separating).

If they had similar wage, then I would agree because they would likely have similar living standard. This is not the case here.

Plus, why should she be paying 50/50 when she earns 1/3 of what he earns? I thought partner should be paying in proportion of their wage…. See also having some disposable income left etc…

If you split you could be left homeless. I think it makes more sense for him to let his house on a short tenancy or airbnb to pay his mortgage and move in with you and pay half bill and rent. If everything works out then great. Be can sell his house and you buy together. If it doesn't work out he still has a property to go back to and you

And you still have your home to minimise the disruption.

My partner has just moved in with me. I have a mortgage, he previously rented.

All bills including the mortgage are halved.

What am i missing here - is this not how it should be?

@Redburnett

Any man who earns 100k plus and still expects his long term GF/future wife to contribute to his mortgage is not worth bothering with IMO. I understand the idea or principle of 50/50 contributions but when the difference in salaries is so large it is ludicrous. And more to the point men who are obsessed with so called 'fairness' in such a situation are likely to be tight bastards when the GF is pregnant and has a reduced income. So this man is not worth bothering with as a long term prospect.

Absolutely this.

He's onto a bloody good thing if the op pays half his mortgage, half the bills and does all the house work. Any man who accepts that whilst earning a six figure sum is not worth your time.

You're not married so everything should be 50/50. I don't understand why you would pay the food and do most of the housework. You should pay half the mortgage as long as it's not more than your rental fee and the extra mileage for work. But it goes both ways, you're not his mum, he manages to do the housework with his job now and pay for food presumably so he can do half when you move in. He can't have it both ways and cherry pick the things that are 50/50 are the things that suit him.

@HelloCanYouHearMe

My partner has just moved in with me. I have a mortgage, he previously rented.

All bills including the mortgage are halved.

What am i missing here - is this not how it should be?

If your partner is male according to MN he should be paying half, more if he earns more than you. Otherwise he's a cocklodger and you should chuck him out.

@Bluntness100

You shouldn’t be doing all the housework this isn’t the fifties and you should absolutely be paying rent. I would say half the mortgage.

Your partners you need to pay your way, not live rent free.

It’s not rent though is it. It’s his mortgage being used at the benchmark. So it’s a contribution towards the household bills. If it was a rental they would split however they wanted and she would have more control over where to rent etc, also wouldn’t be looking back after 10 years and thinking about an asset she doesn’t have because they aren’t married.

Also it’s not the 19050s, it’s 2021 and women can apparently not make decisions about who who should do what housework because other WOMEN dictate their choices are wrong.

@Hattie765

You're not married so everything should be 50/50. I don't understand why you would pay the food and do most of the housework. You should pay half the mortgage as long as it's not more than your rental fee and the extra mileage for work. But it goes both ways, you're not his mum, he manages to do the housework with his job now and pay for food presumably so he can do half when you move in. He can't have it both ways and cherry pick the things that are 50/50 are the things that suit him.

Because she’s bringing her daughter into the mix and also it seems OP will be doing the majority of the cooking.

Therefore she’s said to hubby she will do more of the domestic duties with the understanding he works longer hours and contributes more financially.

The Op and her child are getting a roof over their heads at a significantly better financial return than before.

Either the Op can save the 50% she’s saving in rent and has a way out should they split up. Or they will live happily ever after.

Either way, the Op has negotiated what terms she wants.

I agree with the pay-your-way continent. When you're actually committed to a life together and merged finances, then reappraise. Otherwise it's not up to him up provide you with free or subsidised accommodation when you're perfectly capable of paying for it (and are doing so at the moment).

Sorry but I think YABVU if toy were not kiving with him you would pay tour own rent. Id be pretty pissed off my partner wanted to move in rent free.

Why should she pay towards his mortgage. He's already better off by her moving in and paying half bills and all food and doing the house work. His mortgage is his...the house is his. Why should she pay towards his asset?

Fuck that!