Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

Also, if you're not committing to a permanent arrangement, why would you be agreeing to do "the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs." Perhaps that role should be set against the rent?

If its rent - OP should demand a contract if she agrees to it.
As for housework - she shouldn't commit to anything more than she's comfortable.

You have a choice not to move in with him. I think you're being cheeky expecting him to subsidise living costs for you and your child.

Crikeyalmighty

The other thing to bear in mind OP is that if it didn’t work out you won’t have a rental record for securing somewhere new. If I ever found myself on my own again there is no way I would move in with someone unless I was on the rent/mortgage OR they gave me £7,000 At the beginning for security- in case it turned to shit— that’s what age does to you, it makes you more cynical !

Haaaahaaaaahaaaaaaa

You would seriously expect a £7k security bond or to be added to the mortgage if you moved in with someone? Entitled much.

I love to see the above as a reverse AIBU!

"My boyfriend wants to move in with me and has asked to be added to the mortgage which I have been paying on my own for the last 15 years. The property is worth £500k. Failing that he wants £7k of my savings. Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off?"

"My boyfriend wants to move in with me and has asked to be added to the mortgage which I have been paying on my own for the last 15 years. The property is worth £500k. Failing that he wants £7k of my savings. Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off?"

Would you demand that a short-time sex partner contributes to your mortgage on a property you solely own?

@Sweetchocolatecandy

Most of the population have to pay rent or mortgage so what makes you so special that you think you should live for free? It’s embarrassing that your boyfriend had to even ask you, most decent people would have just offered to contribute.

If it was just rent then she would do what we all do - choose where and how much.

By moving in with him she looses the choice element and control of her budget, increases her costs dramatically, is more "uncomfortable" in terms of commute, and if it goes wrong needs to move out.

Great that they are talking obout it like adults before nothing she says suggests that she is trying to coast.

So he earns over £70K more than you do a year, but he wants you to give up your flat, pay half of the bills (which will be higher than your current bills), store or sell your furniture, have a longer commute for school and work, pay £700 a week "rent" while you do most of the housework and cooking for him and his childcare. If his mortgage is less than £700 a week, then this is a whole extra layer of profiting off somebody who earns £70,000 less. If his mortgage is less than £700 a week I'd leave him on the spot. If it's more then I wouldn't be rushing to move in with him either.

If a man who earned £70,000 more than I did, told me that paying "rent" plus bills showed we were a team (but he owned the house) and that you should want to help him out as much as possible (by paying him more money and having less security), I'd say something quite rude.

If he ever does marry you, he'll ring fence the house and other assets which is not necessarily unreasonable (and after 30 years with my husband I still have largely separate money and assets).

I wonder does he pay for dinner if you go on dates? Does he ever treat you to things? Who pays for holidays? What about Xmas and birthday presents? He sounds quite cheap.

I'd be having the conversation about how he envisaged it working in the future if you bought a house together. Presumably he'd be bringing a bigger chunk of equity with him from sale of the current house, and part of that equity could be seen as being made up of your contributions if you live together any amount of time first.

Would be be expecting to keep a larger protected equity stake in a future home, or to buy on the basis of 50:50 ownership?

OP,

One other thing to realise, should you agree to this arrangement where you pay substantially for being his house cleaning/ cooking skivvy, you will be confirming that you are beyond dim.

Only a very dim person would agree to this arrangement.

That he would have the gall to even suggest it implies that he thinks you are a soft touch.

Don’t do this. He earns £100k and wants you to pay half of his mortgage with no security and a less good living situation?! Why are you even considering this?! Stay put with your great landlord and save what you can to buy your own place. I’m all for everyone paying their way but he sounds tight which is such an unappealing trait in a partner. Put yourself and your daughter first which means not moving in with this man.

tell him it'd be better if you both move into a rented house, then you'll both be equal tenants and he and you can pay half each on everything and you'll get to live nearer the school etc

Honestly you thinking you should be able to move into his house rent free seems off to me.. you are still way better off financially than you were before!
I'd be thinking again if i were him.

@Aprilx

I don’t think you should pay for 50% of his house without having a stake in it, but he is not asking you do that nor anything like that. He is asking you to contribute half of what you currently pay in rent, so your disposable income will go up, that seems very reasonable.

Don’t throw you doing housework into this, how demeaning, you make yourself sound like a live in maid.

Not so fast though. She will have a massive hike in her cost of living - heat (4 bed house against 1 bed flat) council tax commute food.

What do you bet that due to the "nature of their jobs" majority, if not all childcare will be absorbed by her too, thus putting a torpedo in career expansion.

He should rent out his house, keep it as his unique asset and the two of you make an equal and fair move forward.

Oh and why on earth are you assuming you will be some kind of domestic skivvy due to you being a woman and ‘the nature of his job?!’

If the nature of his job means he can’t do half the housework then the flip side is that all the money he earns from that job means he covers more than half of the bills. You seem awfully accepting of the fact that he wants to have it both ways-pocket his huge salary and have you paying half the bills while you also do more than half of the domestic labour because he’s too busy working

Given the big disparity between your incomes I don't think a 50/50 split is fair.

I lost tax credits moving in with my partner so much income dropped. We pooled our money so that mortgage, bills and expenses came out of that. We keep 'pocket money' in our personal accounts (£150pm) so that we can go out and have spends without spending house money. We have joint financial goals.

The furniture storage, travel, food, bills and mortgage are a shared expense. Personally these come our of our joint account. If you're not ready to pool money then split them by income (75%/25%). His costs have dropped, you are paying a fairer price towards the bigger bills and expenses.

He might not be ready to put you on the deeds but he should then draw up a tenancy agreement so you have a rental history.

Share the housework. It might not be 50/50 depending on your working hours, but he does need to take some responsibilities for his own home.

Doing all the housework and buying all the food sets a bad precedent. Especially with a longer commute and extra children to do work for, you may come to resent it.

If the nature of his job means he can’t do half the housework then the flip side is that all the money he earns from that job means he covers more than half of the bills

Yep. If the nature of his job means he can’t do half the housework he pays for a cleaner to do his share.

Would you demand that a short-time sex partner contributes to your mortgage on a property you solely own?

I would not expect someone to contribute to the mortgage but I would expect someone to make contribution to the living costs (bills, food etc).

That is not what Crikeyalmighty above was demanding though, she was expecting to have potentially a few hundred thousand pounds of property asset signed over to her or have a £7k upfront security deposit handed to her. Would you accept such a proposal?

When I moved in with my wife before we got engaged I rented out my house, covering the cost of the mortgage and leaving a bit left over. I paid my wife what she would have charged a lodger (she had one move out just before I moved in) and eventually we sold both and bought together. As a result we were both paying a similar net amount towards housing costs.

It would never have occurred to me to think she was being cheeky to expect me to pay something for the accommodation. Some posters on this thread must live strange, entitled lives.

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

Oh wow. He’s obviously seen where he can get someone else to financially bankroll him even though he’s in a very fortunate position.

I bet OP that he doesn’t ever bring food round to yours but you do to his.

Normally I’d say yes, you should be paying ‘rent’ but under the circumstances you describe (particularly as you already seem to have agreed to pick up the grunt work AND pay half his bills that aren’t what you would choose) I don’t think you should.

@Beachshell

Please think long and hard about this whole relationship. It does not sit well with me. It feels like you’re being brought in as housekeeper and sex doll, but you won’t even be getting a financial incentive!

What your boyfriend expects is reasonable, half of the bills and half of what you’re saving on rent seems perfectly fair. You’re an adult, with a child on £30k a year, It’s bloody ridiculous for you to expect free rent for two people.

Half of the bills is only unfair if you’re expected for sky sports or football channels that you’d never watch or similar.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago except I was the one with the house. Thankfully my dp knew it was only right that he pay his own way in life and didn’t need to be asked to contribute.

I’d say paying half the mortgage is reasonable. It’s probably less than half your rent and is an outgoing of the house and if you were renting you’d split it, right? But I would also until you come to an agreement that feels really secure don’t move in!!

Why are you doing all the housework? The split should be comparative to your salaries. I would think less of him tbh as he seems very happy to be benefitting far more by this move than you will.

How much is the mortgage? How much was your rent?

I would offer to pay pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills (maybe not the Sky) and half the food. I would offer to do half the cooking and cleaning. I would save anything I had left over that would previously have gone on rent.

Don't move in together until you get married then, And then it's a fresh start or you negotiate a stake in the house going forward; he can ringfence his existing equity for X number of years perhaps...

I can see your point OP. He seems to be getting a lodger and a live in cleaner/free childcare, it's a bit much to expect a contribution to the mortgage as well as bills and all shopping. He's gaining a lot, and what are you gaining? A slightly cheaper rent but more work? Is it even that much cheaper if you're paying for all the shopping? I get your point about security, and as he's gaining financially just by sharing the bills, I wouldn't personally pay rent too. I think it would be reasonable to say that as you're moving in, there's an expectation that you'll own a home together in the future. That could be by you buying into his house, or selling his house and buying somewhere together. As you'll need funds for that, and those funds will benefit both of you, I think the idea of saving the money you save by not renting, so it could either be put towards a share of his property, or buying another one, is a good one. Then if it goes tits up you'll have some financial safety net. And I wouldn't do all the housework and childcare, no way. If he's not going to share that, and you both work, you need to do something like get a cleaner, it sounds like he can afford it. But ultimately, if he does think it's fair for you to split the bills evenly, pay for all the shopping (surely that's £££?), pay him rent, AND do all the housework and childcare, I'd not just refuse to live with him, I'd ltb.

@Beachshell how much is your DP mortgage per month? And how much would he be saving by you paying half of the bills even with the increase of two extra bodies?