Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@Crikeyalmighty

The other thing to bear in mind OP is that if it didn’t work out you won’t have a rental record for securing somewhere new. If I ever found myself on my own again there is no way I would move in with someone unless I was on the rent/mortgage OR they gave me £7,000 At the beginning for security- in case it turned to shit— that’s what age does to you, it makes you more cynical !

I suspect you’d be on your own for a very, very long time.

@stuckinarut86. Did you a child in the equation though? — if it goes wrong the OP can’t just move out and get a room in a flatshare etc.

I can't see what's in this arrangement for you and your child. What's wrong with living separately?

@Redwinestillfine

I wouldn't move in with him. When he's ready to share properly you can get married. Also if you do move in don't go doing more than half to he cleaning and cooking.

Yip 🌸

In the early days of our relationship I earned a lot more than DP. So when he moved in with me, we agreed his contribution would be less than mine to reflect that, but that we would effectively 'split' his saving from moving in so that we both benefitted a bit financially - he was still a few hundred pounds better off than he was previously. Which seems to be what OP's DP is suggesting here. If he'd turned around and said 'no I don't want to contribute to a roof over my head but I'll buy the food and do most of the housework instead' I'd have thought that was taking the piss tbh. A partnership should be about sharing everything as much as possible - not one person funding housing for both, and the other one offering up manual labour as their contribution. That is of course what often happens when a couple have children together and one goes part time or becomes a SAHP, but this isn't that scenario - when both people are working and no children together it seems totally fair to me that both contribute to their housing costs, and to housework etc in fair proportions to what they earn / time out of the house for work. The fact it's his house is a red herring to me tbh - if he was renting then presumably OP would be happy to pay her share.

The point about having less security than renting / longer commute etc is entirely separate IMO as to whether OP should pay her fair share - and it might be those points that would convince me in her position that moving in is not the best course of action right now - how much I pay to live there would be secondary to those considerations.

@Beachshell I’ve only skimmed the comments so apologies if this has been mentioned already but is it possible for you & him to meet half way & you ask him if your contribution to his mortgage means a lot to him could he put your name on the mortgage aswell & you can both split the bills 50/50 that way you’re contributing to something you also have a share in & halting the bills without any need to buy another property together at some point down the line (should you choose not too) 😌

Halfing the bills**

Halving** ffs lol lol damn autocorrect 🤦‍♀️😂

There are some aspects of relationships where you need to remove the romance from it and ensure that you are protected should the worst happen.
I agree with the posters who say that as well as bills and food, accommodation costs money and paying him a portion of his mortgage cost is reasonable, not necessarily 50/50 if your income doesn't afford you this. He shouldn't make money off you living there by charging you the going rate for renting but I think a conversation is needed here about what the pair of you earn, what are your living costs and so how you will share those if the impact on you would be greater if you had to increase your accomodation costs so significantly.

I had the same hesitance you mention about the greater risks posed by moving in with your Partner vs the other way around, especially as I sold and gave away a lot of furniture to be able to amalgamate our belongings.
We have had a legal agreement drawn up which states what will happen in case of our separation. He will have to support me by contributing towards a deposit on a property to rent, a contribution towards the first three months of rent and an agreed amount towards furnishings.
We are madly in love and about to welcome our first child together, we've both never been happier, but when it comes to finances we prepare for the worst as we have both been stung before by ex-partners!

If I were to move somebody into my spare room with whom I was not in a relationship, and they were going to do all of the cooking and cleaning, so basically a live-in housekeeper & cook & probably nanny as well, then I would expect to provide the room without charge, and to pay for all of the food and the cleaning supplies, and probably to pay them an income as well.

So I am not sure I understand at all how the OP would be taking advantage at all if she were to move in, do the cooking and cleaning, and pay for the food and part of the bills, even if the "rent" were zero. If anything, the boyfriend would still be getting a great deal in terms of economics in the broad sense (including the unpaid labour of housework). If he currently eats out a lot then his food costs will go way down; if he currently cooks for himself then he'll gain a lot of free time.

The fact that he wants to collect money for rent suggests that either he feels worried about taking advantage of, or he knows exactly what he's doing and is trying to drive the most advantaged situation for himself.

If it doesn't feel right, then don't do it.

Think long and hard before doing this. Remember that if the relationship goes tits up you'll be the one homeless, not him.

By his logic he should pay you half what he's saving on food and bills then? And should pay you for any cooking and cleaning as he's not having to do it himself?!

It's really hard living in someone else's house that they're already established in. Trying to make it also your home, but surrounded by all their possessions and furniture is really difficult.

Maybe as others have suggested, you should rent somewhere together and split everything equally (including cooking and cleaning, not just things you pay for). That way he can keep his asset and rent it to someone else.

You could still end up homeless if it doesn't work out though. If you like your flat stay there and just stay over at his more often!

He is right. Why should you suddenly get rent free accommodation

Why don't you work out roughly how much Mortgage and all bills would be and both pay into a joint account an agreed amount to cover everything.

I wouldn't be doing all the housework/childcare either. Surely he does his own now. You should share that too

If he is going to be a grasping prick mean about it, you are not a tenant you are more of a lodger, in my expensive part of the SE you can still be someone's lodger / housemate for £500 including bills and only buy your own food, and expect to share chores equally. Find out the rate in his area and explain you will pay fair rate for a single room for your child and half the rate of a double room which you are sharing with him and no bills on top except your own food and that for your child. Then make a mental note that this is the way he thinks of you in your family.

From the other side, as the one with the mortgage who's discussing DP moving in and giving up all his white goods, his security etc, I won't accept rent from him. Instead he's paying 50/50 for all bills, despite me being 3 people and him just one. However this is a temporary arrangement as we're looking at moving area and going into rented for a bit before buying together. Perhaps you could suggest a temp arrnagement to him where you don't pay rent for X amount of time while you see how it is to live together (allowing you to save money as a cushion in case it doesn't work out OR so you can buy into his mortgage) after which time he puts you on the mortgage and you pay towards the housing costs at that point.

Also don't do more than 50% of the housework, unless it's related to your child. Just don't.

@GreatPotato we've only been married in the last two years we had the same setup as before. All my savings goes towards a new home. If we had split I'd keep those savings and beable to find my own place. I pay for food and pet bills. It just worked for us like that.

@problembottom

When I moved in with DP who owned his house he earned three times as much as me, very similar incomes to you. We decided I would pay him a token £250 a month all in which meant I would have a good chunk of disposable income. He basically wanted us to have the same standard of living as we were a couple. We went onto buy a house together and have joint bank account nowadays.

That's half the price of renting a double room in someone's house with bills included so that's about right when you are sharing the room, you had no stake in the house and no security if they wanted you to leave.

Everything equal in my eyes.

You are absolutely right! You’ve been together 2 years and you are not his tenant, you’re his partner and if he wants you to be equal he needs to marry you. I’d settle for half of the bills, food & more weighted household chores feels like a fair deal but paying him rent is a business transaction. Please don’t be romantic about this - you’ll have very limited access to any of his house if you separate unless you’re married. You’re doing the right thing and being realistic!

@vivainsomnia

The question has been asked countless times from the other perspective, of a woman who has a home and asks whether to charge her partner rent. The answer is always no! Finally, my recollection of these threads is that the majority answers is yes of course, why would you want a cocklodger and yes, that even when he has agreed to pay half of the bills.

That’s what I remember to. People are quick to call the man a cocklodger. And advise the woman not to marry him at any cost.

I’d apply the same advice here - although OP seems to be going the opposite way in terms of offering to do all the housework etc.

With such a big earning disparity OP it’s essential you’re both on the same page w.r.t money. Of course you can’t be expected to pay for things consistent with his earning capacity. But equally have no right to his money ‘just because’ he earns more.

This is not difficult.

Move on with him, share the living costs.

Don't move in with him, get married and then move in with him

Whether I owned a house, rented a flat etc- I would expect my partner to contribute towards the house.

@CTR1000

I think this is a reasonable request from him. It’s what I did when I first moved in with my (now) DH years ago.

Not RTFT but same here, when I moved in with my now husband I paid him "rent".

I don't think the boyfriend is being unreasonable. However, once you are ready to commit fully you should jointly own, even if as tenants in common. We married and bought a house together but had we stayed in his flat I would have expected to have a stake in the flat at that point.

Also, if you're not committing to a permanent arrangement, why would you be agreeing to do "the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs." Perhaps that role should be set against the rent?

@ajja2021

As you said you're meant to be partners, therefore it should all be split equally including rent.

Surely that would depend on relative income?