Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

I certainly wouldn’t be ok with this— and can I’m say I wouldn’t be ok with it the other way around— I wouldn’t call a bloke a cocklodger if he was paying half the bills buying all the food and doing most of the housework— but few of them are that we read about on here— you are moving somewhere that isn’t somewhere you have picked, it’s actually more inconvenient for you, you have no security of tenure at all and you don’t have any stake in his investment— this is not the Same as people are saying about paying into a landlords investment— you can’t in that case be kicked out at a moments notice, you have chosen the services the house receives and you aren’t buying the landlords food or doing his housework. I think it shows a real meanness of spirit on his part to be frank and I would say the same if it was a man moving in with a woman.

...always remember promises are only words and it looks like he's trying to wrap this up totally in his favour. So why would he change and buy a place with you - he's not silly!

I've thought about this a little more.

I probably would rethink my relationship with someone who felt this way about finances. There are ups and downs in relationships, because I reflect that when my DP started his own business, I shouldered everything. We never talk about that because we were a couple, a partnership, with a young baby too. It just was.

Get your concepts and ideas about money and finances straight and see whether you see eye to eye on it. If not, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying leave it, but think very carefully.

And whatever you do, speak to a financial adviser about your child's future. And look about getting a better paid job, side hustles, easier money streams, and don't tell him about ALL of them. We're women, and the world is set up for men.

He shouldn’t ask you to contribute as eventually you could argue you have a stake in the property. He would be paying the same whether you live there or not, mortgage wise, so you shouldn’t pay and instead build up more savings to eventually put into a joint property or pay for more treats, days out etc.

Hi OP,
I agree with you on this - you shouldn’t be paying your partner rent to live in his house like a lodger ! Jesus! Your in a relationship with each other and he should either be putting you on the mortgage with some sort of declaration of trust drawn up between you before you move in OR you agree to put the money you will be saving from not renting anymore into a savings account which will then go towards a property you buy together in the future so it still benefits him too.
Paying bills and food etc is totally reasonable.
I think you need to talk with each other more about your future plans however before committing to moving in with your children as I sense your BF May see things as more practical / convenient arrangement between you and ofcourse I may be wrong so please don’t be offended💐! If you really want to get married find out where you’re at with him x

You just need to put your foot down and dont put you and dc in a silly position where you could potentionally end up homeless. Why cant you just gradually live with him, as on stay 3/4 days a week before selling and packing up. Once it's done it's done.

A major think to consider right now op is that the current market is a mess. Prices are crazy high and landlords are ruthless. Getting a place is really hard because of the demand, and because landlords/ladies know this they can take advantage.

Be wise.

Op, I agree with you. Don't move in, get engaged and move in when you marry. If that's what you want, ask for what you want. On the deal that he is offering, you and your kid take all the risk. Lol, no.

He sounds self centred and rather mean.
I’d take a step back. You’re not comfortable with the way he wants to split finances, he gets to save while you have a longer commute and storage fees, yet no claim on the house you live in together. And he wants you to go halves on his sky package and higher council tax!

Why not wait until you’re ready to get married, or until he agrees to buy or rent a house together. Otherwise you and your child will always be living in ‘his’ house like lodgers. What would happen if you lost your job or the relationship broke down and you had to search for a new home with no savings for a deposit/rental fees?

I think it’s fine to pay him rent, but the you shouldn’t be paying for ALL food and supplies, and doing ALL the housework etc.

You need to contribute to the cost of a roof over your head and as you’re not buying in that means rent not mortgage.

If it were me I would look at the cost of renting a room to work out what the rent should be, instead of an entire flat you have sole use of. I’d say half bills and food costs and as he earns more in his position I’d probably knock a bit off the cost of renting a room to help you out and make things a bit more balanced. Definitely don’t offer to do all the housework as you’ll end up resenting him.

A legal agreement is a must for both of you - for you to give you security over being able to live in the property and reasonable notice if you break up, and him so that you don’t get a share of the property. I know you want it but honestly in his position I wouldn’t let you buy a share of the property or pay ‘mortgage’ because I wouldn’t want to risk my home.

Honestly though you seem to be feeling very insecure at not having a property in your name, be it rented or owned, so I’m not convinced you’re ready to move in. Living together on a trial basis is very different from merging financial assets and if I were him I’d be worried about you trying to push your way into owning my assets.

If you are contributing to his mortgage, will he be putting half the house in your name? Ok, thought not. So, if anything happens to him you will, in effect be homeless. Please read some of the very sad stories in here and do not put yourself in a vulnerable position. You are meant to be equal partners, he seems more bothered by what HE will get out of this.

I can see his point of view however if you pay him half of what you are saving on rent, half the bills and all the food he will be financially better off than you. Don’t do it . He could ask you to leave at any time remember and he will still have his house, you’ll have nothing and no claim on him.

The question has been asked countless times from the other perspective, of a woman who has a home and asks whether to charge her partner rent. The answer is always no! So I’m aghast that so many people think you ABU.

I think it’s fine for you to pay half the bills however if he was a really fair person he would cover the costs of the expensive items, eg Sky TV. When my boyfriend moved into my house he paid a lump sum that covered around half of the costs and all bills etc were in my name. You will effectively have no rights over the house and would be homeless if anything happens in the relationship. IMO if he respected you he would take that into account and ask for a lower contribution.

Have just seen your update with your respective salaries! Am going to revise my suggested rent down from £7/800 to £400. Am not liking the sound of this one bit, he sounds very un-generous.

So either get married or continue living apart
He would be a complete fool to marry OP before they had the chance to assess they can work as a blended family.

You just have to go to the step mum forum to see how common it is that everything falls apart once the SM moves in.

Quite ironic how posters talk about her missing out if she moves in which would be nothing compared to what he would be missing if they got married! Yet that's the advice of quite a few!

The other thing to bear in mind OP is that if it didn’t work out you won’t have a rental record for securing somewhere new. If I ever found myself on my own again there is no way I would move in with someone unless I was on the rent/mortgage OR they gave me £7,000 At the beginning for security- in case it turned to shit— that’s what age does to you, it makes you more cynical !

The question has been asked countless times from the other perspective, of a woman who has a home and asks whether to charge her partner rent. The answer is always no!
Finally, my recollection of these threads is that the majority answers is yes of course, why would you want a cocklodger and yes, that even when he has agreed to pay half of the bills.

Ok, pay half the mortgage but he pays half of everything else including the food and does half the housework and cooking.

I wouldn't move in with him - whey happens if it doesn't work out? You and your child have nowhere to live and no furniture. I wouldn't pay for all of the food, do all of the cooking and cleaning! What's in it for you and your child?

I wouldn't move in with him tbh.
Yes you absolutely should pay your way in life. You should pay bills, food and rent wherever you live but you sound resentful and it won't be a happy home. Plus you really can't move into someone's home and say no, I won't pay what you want, I will tell you what I'm going to pay.

Yet your comfortable paying someone else’s mortgage

@duckiemonster

Have I missed the part where OP says her partner expects her to do all the housework / look after his kid / become an unpad skivvy?! I don't think he has - the OP seems to have sort of assumed she will do it / volunteered this as part of her contribution towards living together. Perhaps he'd rather keep doing his share of the chores and looking after his child, and OP contribute properly financially? I know I would in his scenario.

Quite so much reaching on this thread

I would just pay him half of what you currently pay in rent, split bills in half and come to an arrangement around shopping that you would expect to have as if you were married. It shows how you are willing to contribute and support him which should go in favour for the future. From personal experience I paid my now husband the full rent I would have paid a landlord and he said this included bills. The shopping we didn't really have any agreement. When he talks about it now 15 years later he will say I'm the first girlfriend who didn't try to take financial advantage from the living situation and him owning his own home.

When I moved in with DP who owned his house he earned three times as much as me, very similar incomes to you. We decided I would pay him a token £250 a month all in which meant I would have a good chunk of disposable income. He basically wanted us to have the same standard of living as we were a couple. We went onto buy a house together and have joint bank account nowadays.

I don't agree you should pay half of his mortgage, but you should pay some contribution to the cost of living there, not just the bills and food.
It's a reasonable request to ask for that, but not exactly half of his mortgage given his salary in comparison to yours.