Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP, please don't think of moving in with him. He doesn't see you as a partner, just as a lodger without you having any of the rights as a lodger that you currently do (not to mention you doing cleaning and cooking and not getting your own room!). You're not in an equal financial situation and it looks as though he would like it to stay that way. Please keep your independence. If he wanted to be married then he would say this to you and things could be arranged legally to protect the assets he had prior to your marriage. Once you move in, he won't ever need to consider it and if the relationship does end, you will lose far more than him. He simply doesn't view you as an equal. The idea of buying together after a period of time may or may not happen once you have moved in. He may decide not to bother. I would tell him that you need the security of marriage or you won't be moving in. You will soon see his true feelings from this.

He gets a housekeeper and EOW nanny, but she has to pay for her board and lodgings, and gets no pay other than 'payment in kind'.

Cocklandlord.

What ages are the DC?

So you get to keep what would have been your rent money, and he still has to pay his monthly mortgage? No, that's not fair. I can totally see where is coming from although calling it 'rent' is a bit jarring, it's not 'rent', it's a contribution to household bills, one of which happens to the be the roof over your head.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

If a cocklodger moves in, pays half of the bills, all of the food, does all the housework and provides childcare… Where do I go about finding one of these?

Quite.

When I moved into now dh's flat 20+ years ago we merged everything financially from day 1. We had been together for 3 years by this point so were pretty sure it was for keeps.

You have been seeing you bf for 2 years and i assume have stayed over with each other frequently so you should have a good idea of the strength of your relationship, but have the added complication of children.

There is no right or wrong you need to find out what works for you both, personally, I would suggest moving in for 6 months. You pay your way on food and bills and save your "rent".

If, after 6 months, it is working out and you both want to commit, then commit and everything financial is merged including the savings. If not you get to keep the savings for a deposit and to replace furniture etc.

Making it a short term arrangement and agreeing what will happen after 6 months might make it easier to agree a solution that leaves neither of you better or worse off long term whatever happens.

If you have it in your head you also want to be married after the trial period also discuss that expectation now so everyone knows where they stand.

Final point, DONT do most of the housework and cooking 🤦‍♀️ Whatever arrangements he has for his housework should continue. Do not link housework/cooking with finances.

You should try to ring fence your contribution if you do pay rent on his mortgage.

So let's say you pay £350 for 12 months and then split. He should buy back your share for £4,200, plus what ever the percentage the property has appreciated in value (if it has).

Housework is split equally.

Food split equally

Other house hold bills 35:65 ratio.

@Sweetchocolatecandy

Do you not realise how lucky you are?

If your BF was in a rental property you wouldn’t even be having this discussion with him as it would be up to his LL whether you could move in or not. Also, you would HAVE to pay rent/living costs, there would be no choice in the matter.

But just because he’s been smart/lucky enough to buy his own house you think he should pay for you to live there. I think if your BF came across this thread he’d be having serious doubts.

Really?? So she does all the housework, cooking, etc, pays for bills, worse commute, and then has to contribute to his mortgage as well. And after all that, has absolutely no legal protection should he want to throw her out, and makes absolutely nothing from any capital gain his property makes.

I can’t see anything lucky about that situation at all, she’s far more secure where she is.

@NorthernDramaLlama

Pay what you would pay in rent into a dedicated savings account. If you split up, you have deposit etc. If you de ide to buy together there is money towards moving costs.

This is the best idea.

Pay half the Expenses but put the rent money you would have paid into a savings account to amass a deposit so that when you need to buy something you can be on a more equal footing

If you spend your money on his mortgage, you’ll have lost everything, have no right to any repayment and potentially be in a really shitty position

In £100k,surely he can afford a cleaner? Did you offer to clean so that he didn't need the cleaner so that's saving for him?

If so don't. Pay your way, support your child, don't trade doing so for being his new cleaner.

I wouldn't be paying for a sky package I didn't want, need or use. He won't be paying for your personal bills

Some people don't seem to understand what a cocklodger is. They don't contribute. At all. To anything. No bills, no cleaning, nothing.

OP has offered cleaning and childcare and half of all more expensive bills and is taking ALL the risk.

This is not a good deal and I would not want to lose the security of a good rental. Why would you want to take on all cleaning and childcare anyway?

-* I meant if you split you have lost the money etc etc

Hopefully you got what I meant

Have I missed the part where OP says her partner expects her to do all the housework / look after his kid / become an unpad skivvy?! I don't think he has - the OP seems to have sort of assumed she will do it / volunteered this as part of her contribution towards living together. Perhaps he'd rather keep doing his share of the chores and looking after his child, and OP contribute properly financially? I know I would in his scenario.

There is no right or wrong you need to find out what works for you both, personally, I would suggest moving in for 6 months. You pay your way on food and bills and save your "rent"

She'd lose her rental accommodation though. The landlord would not let her move out for six months, even if she was still paying rent.
It would affect his insurance. Insurers want the property occupied.

There are a lot of costs in moving accommodation too, so this option would still cost OP and put all the risk on her.

And it doesn't solve the problem that her boyfriend sounds like a tight-arse piss taker who just wants to milk her for whatever advantage he can get out of her.

Do not pay half of his mortgage. Fuck that. He would be paying that if you wasn't there any way.

Just pay half of everything. Hold your head high. If you pay less, you'll feel cute in future when you squabble over things, which happens in every relationship. It'll feel awful to not feel you can stand your ground when your child lives under that roof.

Either that or pay evenly according to income.

You need to feel he is not doing you any favours, so does he.

This will not be what everyone does. With my DP he pays for the mortgage, and most of the heavy childcare costs, I buy food, pay for bills. But that's the kind of man he is, he's not a 50/50 person, he's alpha male, has ideas about breadwinning, being provider etc. I am probably paying for more than my partner is comfortable with, but I feel what I am paying is pretty fair given our incomes, so I feel confident and comfortable, I'm doing more than he asks for. This is not your partner. So you can't expect that (I'm not saying my set up is perfect.)

I haven't RTFT but I completely agree with you OP. I own my flat, the person I'm currently dating does not. I'm bisexual, so this isn't a gender issue –I happen to currently be dating a man, but it could easily be a woman.

If I were ever to want my partner to move in, I would not ask them to contribute anything towards my mortgage. The payments are the same whether someone else lives there or not. Instead, I would ask for half of the bills and for them to put the money saved into savings which could either be a) towards a deposit should be buy together in future or b) a deposit for themselves should the relationship not work, and I chucked them out. I would also make them sign legal papers declaring they have no interest in my property. And yes, for those who asked earlier, I do (or did) resent paying rent to landlords, I resent the entire homes-for-profit system that is our housing market because I'm a socialist.

Just pay half of everything. Hold your head high

Yes because that will put a roof over the head, and fill the belly of her child when the bf decides he doesn't want her anymore.

@duckiemonster

Have I missed the part where OP says her partner expects her to do all the housework / look after his kid / become an unpad skivvy?! I don't think he has - the OP seems to have sort of assumed she will do it / volunteered this as part of her contribution towards living together. Perhaps he'd rather keep doing his share of the chores and looking after his child, and OP contribute properly financially? I know I would in his scenario.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs. He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore

From the OP. It sounds like he was quite happy with her proposal of all the free labour but also wanted some extra cash.

Don't put any money into something that isn't yours. He'll be taking your rent to pay off his mortgage and could kick you out at a second's notice.

Keep renting. Save for independence. Share a mortgage, whatever. But don't go handing all your cash to some bloke while getting nothing in return.

Buying 'all the food' and doing all the housework sounds a bit shit, too. What on earth is in it for you? Becoming his housekeeper and now he wants paying too.

I would say ,don’t move in ,untill your married and on the morgage
You have to much to loose if it all goes wrong ,plus your child to think of

I think this is VERY heavily weighed on his side and that is based on everything in this scenario.

Also why would he want to lose control and buy a place with you when you're already paying off his mortgage!!

He's taking the piss out of you.

@DarlingFell

So you get to keep what would have been your rent money, and he still has to pay his monthly mortgage? No, that's not fair. I can totally see where is coming from although calling it 'rent' is a bit jarring, it's not 'rent', it's a contribution to household bills, one of which happens to the be the roof over your head.

Yep!

However the issue is that I don’t think he sees it as being a long term relationship.

So either get married or continue living apart.

@Eddielzzard

Some people don't seem to understand what a cocklodger is. They don't contribute. At all. To anything. No bills, no cleaning, nothing.

OP has offered cleaning and childcare and half of all more expensive bills and is taking ALL the risk.

This is not a good deal and I would not want to lose the security of a good rental. Why would you want to take on all cleaning and childcare anyway?

This! Fuck that!