Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@deadleaves

Can no one on this thread read??? The OP said she will be doing all of the housework- so he wins. A male cocklodger does not do the housework or cooking

Welcome to mumsnet! Every time a women objects to being put in a clearly disadvantageous position by a man there are a cohort who come on to cry ' cocklodger'.

Don't they just.🙄

As for marrying him?🤢

Tell him get a cleaner.

OP you'd never see a penny of salary shared.
You would be splitting bills and paying every bit of of costs of YOUR child, and if you were stupid enough to have a baby you would be doing EVERYTHING, managing of so little money and he might pressure you to be a SAHM, so you would be further disadvantaged.

Mean men love to have a woman financially subservient to them whilst bitching about all the bills they pay.

He sounds so awful.
Dump.

I don't often post but this made me cross. Please don't move in with him under this arrangement ( either of those suggested actually).

You are basically expected to pay your share of bills AND contribute to his luxuries ( sky sport etc) AND do all the house work for free AND buy the food and household items, AND contribute to his mortgage through your 'rent' which is half the mortgage for his house. His disposable income must be many times yours. Its not a partnership and there is no security for you and your son. You need an equitable arrangement or to stay in your own flat. He is taking the p*ss.

Not on answer for the OP, but fucksake - it’s 2021 and yet these threads are always lower warning renting women moving in with mortgaged properties belonging to higher earning men.

I’m holding out for the day when there’s an equal split between men and women as higher earner / home owner. Think I’ll be waiting a long time.

She s not paying half the mortgage, just half of what She s saving. So 1/2 your current rent minus storage and extra commuting costs seems fair.

Generally in the situation I wouldn't move in as I would want stability for my child but you seem to want to so 🤷‍♀️

Does his DC live there full time? I would find it cheeky not to contribute to the accommodation in some way but tbh I wouldn't invite a non husband to live in my house is I were a LP.

If you are in a relationship with someone who makes a different amount of money, you simply can not divide the bills in half. The person who makes the smaller amount will always get screwed. If you make 30,000 and he makes 100,000, then the total distribution of expenses should be at minimum 3/10, preferably smaller on your part, because 2/10, because he also has assets you don't have and you have responsibilities he doesn't have. That will even the playing field economically.

My partner lives with me in my mortgaged flat.

He initially had debt to repay so he lived here free and we just split the food shop etc. Once his debt was gone, he wanted to contribute as he could now afford it and felt uncomfortable that I was paying for everything.

I didn't think it was fair for him to officially pay towards my mortgage in case it doesn't work out between us, although he wanted to pay everything 50/50, so instead he pays all of the bills and I still cover 100% of the mortgage payment. What he pays is still less than half of what I pay.

@Beachshell maybe this is an approach you could take rather than picking up all the food etc which could end up way more expensive for you in the long run?

OP, I was the mortgage-paying higher earner in my relationship, and your DP sounds like a greedy bastard. I was earning double what my DP did and no way would I have charged him that. He chipped in a couple of hundred quid a month and I covered the utilities etc out of that.

Plus how big is his house? Would you be able to meet half the costs of heating a much bigger house, half the council tax of a higher band, etc?

Don't give up your tenancy. Your tenancy is your security.

It takes a certain type of scum to want to screw a single mother, and you have found yourself one
Or maybe he wants to make sure OP is happy in the relationship for him and not his money. I heard enough single mums discussions about finding a rich man so that they could give up their job and become a woman of leisure, he is absolutely right to be cautious at least I til it is fully established that their relationship is solid and things are working out with the kids. Things go wrong too often to talk about family commitment at this stage.

OP shouldn't be worse off than she was before but there is no reason at this stage to benefit financially from moving him with him yet.

Please, consult a solicitor.

I think that info would have been relevant in the first post, he earns more than 3 times your salary which does change things a bit.

@Blossomtoes

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

That’s what you’re doing with your landlord.

But she has a legal agreement with her landlord which protects her.

And shes not doing the landlords housework or buying her food . Or having sex and proving emotional labour and wifework.

And the OP doesn't have a longer community to suit the Landlord.

This man wants the money from being a landlord with none of the risk or the costs ( he can throw her and her child out on the street whenever he wants).

Dont do this OP. Move into a rented place together where you are both tenants.

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

OK I was going to make a complex suggestion about how to use your rent money until I read this.

You earn roughly 25% of the household income. And he wants 50% of all bills plus all food and rent.

NO. He's having a laugh!

I would be wanting to put a minimum of half your rent a month plus your returned deposit into a savings account. You could use this if/when you buy between you OR it is there to sort out another rental if need be.

I would offer the total of what you are now paying in bills (gas, elec, broadband, council tax water etc.) plus £350 (25% of your rent) in an all in accomodation/bills figure.

I would expect food to be shared 50:50 and any entertainment/extras done on the basis of who can afford it. If he wants expensive sky etc then that is on him.

I would not be starting a new relationship on the basis of picking up all the wifework - he presumably cooks/cleans now. Why should that stop and all get dumped on you?

It does rather feel though that you think he is taking the micky and that is not a good place to be when starting such a venture. Maybe it is not the right time /man for you?

I've been in this situation and we did the following:

Add up what you currently spend on rent, bills, and commuting

Add up what you estimate your future spend would be - half of his bills, new commute and storage costs

Take the second number away from the first - this is how much you are 'saving' living with him.

Divide your 'saving' amount by 2 - this splits the savings between you - this is how much 'rent' you pay.

(Food, childcare and cleaning are split equally - he manages to do those things currently, so can continue to do so)

If a cocklodger moves in, pays half of the bills, all of the food, does all the housework and provides childcare…
Where do I go about finding one of these?

Why wouldn't you pay half the mortgage if you're living there?

Just seen the salary difference!! This could have been me!!

I was on £32, him on £100+

At the time, I was very much “I’m an independent woman who will pay her own way!” I insisted on 50:50. Me no DCs, him 3 DCs. So I was subsidising his DCs!

What a fool.

If I had my time again, I would have calculated the cost of the house, groceries, contingency etc etc and aimed that we put in a proportion that reflected our salaries.

Or a proportionate amount in line with your income.

Tbh I'd also be wary of moving in for the future here...if he is earning 100k and you only £30k, then how will you ever buy a house together that is equivalent/better than his current 4-bed??

On your current wages, you will not be able to afford to pay half of the kind of property that his + your wages would buy, and he is unlikely to want to downgrade to a smaller place to that you can go truly 50/50.

I think you need to find out whether, down the line, he'd be happy for you to pay proportionally for a joint property because that is the only way it could work if you do get a place together.

He doesn't sound ready to share his life with you. This is a risky move for you OP.

You will have no security and will be paying out more than before (on transport etc.). You will be doing more cooking/cleaning too.

This discussion has been useful - you have learned something important about his attitude to money ... and to your comfort and happiness. Does he still seem as attractive to you?

@Veronika13 🤣🤣 if making assumptions about my financial life makes you feel better about being with a stingy man then crack on love

You earn 25% of your shared money. Therefore you should pay 25% of the bills and the rent.

50% housework.

You’re not a cocklodger. A cocklodger wouldn’t offer to do 100% housework.

But I wouldn’t move in with him because he sounds like he has no compassion. I couldn’t imagine earning 3 times my partner yet expecting them to pay half.

You want him to pay your way? You live in a property, you pay towards it no matter who owns it.

Why would you pay for all the food? Why volunteer to be the domestic drudge? If he wants you two to be a team of equals, he should not accept that.