Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

What no one else has mentioned in their telling you to pay half the mortgage is that part of the mortgage payment is capital repayment. No way on Earth should you pay capital in. A contribution toward the interest element at best.

But unless OP is paying money directly into his mortgage account, any money she gives her partner is surely on top of/separate from what he pays for his mortgage?

So even if she takes over paying for all the food, as is her suggestion, that money could still be seen as assisting him in paying for his mortgage because he's saving money on food.

@Auroreforet

Don’t move in with him. Stay independent. He’s earning 3x your wage and looking to save money with you subsidising his asset.

You would want to be out of your mind to risk your home to move in with him.

He's mean.

He gets half his morgage paid plus a house skivvy.

Give your head a wobble and find some self respect.

He absolutely is not to be trusted and he sure as hell doesn't have your best at heart.

Why you would even consider something so utterly perilous is beyond me.

He is mean.
Be glad he has shown you who he is.

It takes a certain type of scum to want to screw a single mother, and you have found yourself one.

Protect yourself and your child.

You both deserve much better than him.

Would you want to get married? I wouldn't give up my home without that commitment.

@Veronika13 @Veronika13 they're discussing marriage and buying a house together. I would consider that someone you are looking at as a life partner.

So by your maths, he has £40K leftover and she has £30K. What's the problem? Why wouldn't you want to be on an even playing field to your partner?

I'd never ever entertain the idea of being with a man who didn't want me to have the same lifestyle and disposable income as him.

I'm with you OP. DP moved in with me 5 years ago. We split bills and shopping. I continued to pay my own mortgage until I paid it off. I didn't want him (or anyone, ever) having a claim on my house.

Since then he's saved up and bought his own property. It gives him financial security and I think that's healthy for the relationship.

@MacMahon

I'm with you OP. DP moved in with me 5 years ago. We split bills and shopping. I continued to pay my own mortgage until I paid it off. I didn't want him (or anyone, ever) having a claim on my house.

Since then he's saved up and bought his own property. It gives him financial security and I think that's healthy for the relationship.

Exactly this.

It makes sense for you to put what you would’ve paid in rent in a separate account. That way if you stay together, he will benefit by a larger saving pot when you pool your assets. Also, if you split up you have the security of a ‘fuck it fund’.

That's a very precarious situation to put yourself and your dc in. You could be kicked out a moments notice with zero rights. As a fellow single parent I would absolutely not put my children's security at risk like this.
And why oh why are already planning to do the majority of the cooking and housework!!!

He rents his house out and you both rent a house together, paying half each.

^ This is a much more sensible suggestion.

He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k

Then he is being a nob.

What a weird set of responses to this thread.

I think the fairest way is...

Look at the proportions of income (roughly 3:1)

You pay a quarter of the bills incl food/household, he pays 1/4

You put a third of his mortgage payment in a savings account that you both agree that if it works out will be used on a deposit on a new house; and if it doesnt you use that money for a deposit on your own place.

He pays for upkeep maintainance of his current house, with the understanding that this will be split in future if you go on to buy a house together.

You split the housework, he either does half, or sources support (cleaner, laundry service, food deliveries) for his half.

It takes a certain type of scum to want to screw a single mother, and you have found yourself one

Yup.

I am shocked at how many people think he should financially benefit from his partner moving in...benefiting from reduced bills as they are shared, fine. But not making money off his house when he never had a lodger there before.

He needs to decide if he wants to share his home with the partner he loves or if he wants a lodger. And a lodger wouldn't do all the housework.

[quote minatrina]@Veronika13 @Veronika13 they're discussing marriage and buying a house together. I would consider that someone you are looking at as a life partner.

So by your maths, he has £40K leftover and she has £30K. What's the problem? Why wouldn't you want to be on an even playing field to your partner?

I'd never ever entertain the idea of being with a man who didn't want me to have the same lifestyle and disposable income as him. [/quote]
Yes but your man's disposable income is probably £10.
Because if it was £1 million you would understand that you can't "just split it".
Esp when, again, you're not his wife of 10 years or mother of his 3 children.

@MatildaTheCat - exactly this. Split food, bills and housework and pay an amount of rent too. My (now) DH moved in with me and this is exactly what we did. Why should you pay nothing towards living in the house?

What he is suggesting sounds fair on its face, but when you look deeper it is not fair to you. You'd be paying more bills because his house is bigger and he has amenities you have not been interested in before (expensive tv package). You'd be paying to commute which you did not have to pay before. You'd be paying different (probably higher) council tax than you were before. You'd be paying storage for your furniture which you did not have to pay before. He'd be saving on childcare but you probably would not (how often do men really do childcare? Let's be honest). You would lose the security of having a rental contract.

If you do this then I think you need to calculate out how much you would be losing. If living with him actually saves you any money (I suspect it won't, once you calculate everything) then you can offer to pay half of that. Everything else should be split between you: food, etc. (if you offer to pay half the food then you could find yourself eating fancy food every night, picked out by him because he's not paying!) If you find that you would actually be out of pocket once you calculate out everything you'd lose by moving in with him, then don't move. You have a child of your own to think of.

And in addition he earns a lot more than you. He's nickel and diming you when he earns a much higher income. If he's going to nitpick how much you owe him for living in his nice house, that needs to go both ways. Charge him for housekeeping and childcare.

Can no one on this thread read??? The OP said she will be doing all of the housework- so he wins. A male cocklodger does not do the housework or cooking

Welcome to mumsnet! Every time a women objects to being put in a clearly disadvantageous position by a man there are a cohort who come on to cry ' cocklodger'.

I wouldn't agree to this. He doesn't sound committed. And if it doesn't work out you've lost a tenancy.

I would suggest he rents his house out, moves in with you (and you report it of course) and you go 50-50 in that scenario until you are both happy to move forward.

But what he's suggesting could leave you vulnerable if it doesn't work out. If he cared he would understand that you would need to put a bit of money behind you for emergencies.

On second thoughts- don't move in with him, you are obviously not on the same page

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
That’s a big gap. Don’t move in. You can’t live with someone who earns 3x your wage and expects50/50 cost share, he wants more expensive things than you. Flatmates would agree if they wanted to contribute to sky, have their own shelf in the fridge, not assume the others are coming on holiday with them. Partners can’t 50/50 life costs with such a discrepancy in income.
And again, why the hell would you do all the housework and cooking? Don’t move in with him.

Not read the full thread so apologies if this has been suggested.

But doesn’t it make sense to pay half the mortgage rather than paying half of the rent you would have been paying (I’m assuming it’s less given extortionate rental costs)?

I do see why you’re uneasy about it; but not because you’re right or wrong - I think perhaps you just have different view on joint finances and that’s something your relationship would need to work through.

@Pixilicious

On second thoughts- don't move in with him, you are obviously not on the same page

Agreed. This is a car crash coming, I'm sorry :(

Welcome to mumsnet! Every time a women objects to being put in a clearly disadvantageous position by a man there are a cohort who come on to cry ' cocklodger'.

Yep. Woman unsure about leaving her secure tenancy and moving in with boyfriend who wants her to pay half the bills, pay half her usual rent, and do his cooking and cleaning, and she's a cocklodger?!

An onsite cook and cleaner would cost far more than 50% of her rent.

Does he know if you're paying towards his mortgage you'll have a claim on his property? Make that clear to him. He's looking to profit from you moving in.

He rents his house out and you both rent a house together, paying half each assuming that the property they look at is based on the OP’s budget otherwise it’s 50:50 then he pays any additional amount resulting from him wanting to live in a more expensive property. Obviously.

Out of interest, how much does he spend on food a month? How much is his Sky compared to your Netflix etc? How much does he pay for utilities compared to you? If you’re in a two bed flat and he’s in a 4 bed house, how much does that house cost to run compared to yours? How much it will cost you in additional travel?

Have you sat down and worked out the actual figures?

What is so incredible about his job that it means he can’t be a grown-ass adult and do 50% of the housework? Does he by any chance work really long hours in order to earn his £100k+? Which means you probably won’t see him that often as you sit in his lovely house that you’re paying a lot of money for.

Have you discussed how often you will be expected to look after his DC? If he’s got you at home, will he still rush home or just ask you to pick them up, do homework, give them dinner, get them ready for bed? Do the DC get on with each other and have you discussed how the dynamic will change when your DC effectively moves into his DC “home” and is there for more of the time?

What you’re describing is being a wife with nine of the security and none of the fun. If he’s not ready to get married then I wouldn’t move in. Personally, I wouldn’t want to move in to see if it would work as I don’t think DC need to have to deal with adults’ failed relationships.

And it should definitely be 70:30 and not 50:50. Hopefully you’ll be able to have a conversation, point out why it’s not fair and he’ll have an ephiphany and agree he’s being a bit of a twat.

[quote minatrina]@Veronika13 eh to each their own. I'm very sure it would put some men off and that's their prerogative, but I've not encountered that problem myself, and I wouldn't want to be with a man who begrudged subsidising someone he viewed as a life partner if he earned over triple my salary. [/quote]
Agreed 100%. You are very brave for saying this on MN, haha.