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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
minatrina · 24/09/2021 12:46

@Explosivefarts I didn't say it was dire straits and I'm not sure how that comes into it at all? He still earns more than three times her salary

Window1 · 24/09/2021 12:48

So you want to live there for free?

astoundedgoat · 24/09/2021 12:51

@GreatPotato

I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

You're right but he's never going to marry you. If that's what you want, definitely don't move in.

This was my first thought too.

Don't do it until you are married. Then you are paying towards an asset you co-own.

If you move in, pay him £700 a month AND do all the cooking and housework, AND take over half the sky-high council tax and sky sports etc. that you would never normall have on your own, why on earth would he change the situation in the slightest?

You would be handing him ALL the the power in your relationship, and setting up nothing but vulnerability for yourself.

He's a bit of a c*nt for even suggesting it, to be honest, because he knows perfectly well where he's leaving you in that situation. He doesn't sound stupid.

Get married first or keep things as they are.

LemonTT · 24/09/2021 12:55

[quote minatrina]@Explosivefarts I didn't say it was dire straits and I'm not sure how that comes into it at all? He still earns more than three times her salary[/quote]
And he’s still always going to protect his wealth for the benefit of his child. Which is what he is doing.

The OP has said she wants security. That won’t be achieved by becoming reliant on him. Whether she pays rent or plays housekeeper she will be reliant on him. She’s better off where she is.

Gps2 · 24/09/2021 12:55

@Beachshell I would not do it. You don't have any security if you don't work out you have nothing. Your contributing in other ways which still add up to quite a bit. If your name was on the mortgage as well that would be a bit different.

CatsArePeople · 24/09/2021 12:55

Let's face it - 50/50 is an unrealistic expectation, that doesn't work beyond a couple of dates, let alone playing house.
If OP decides to move in - she absolutely must document everything and only pay into a bank. Never give him cash.

lisaandalan · 24/09/2021 12:56

I'd say if I pay half of everything I will have my name put on everything including the mortgage.

astoundedgoat · 24/09/2021 12:56

And in response to the people above asking if she expects to live there for free - given that he is an extremely high earning suggesting that she remove ALL of her housing security, he is a massive twat for asking that she PAY HIM for the privilege. He's manipulating her, and he knows that with all his "we're a team" stuff.

She's not asking to live somewhere for free. It sounds like she's really happy where she is. HE'S the one suggesting she gives up the stability she has now, and he IS unreasonable for asking her to dramatically disadvantage herself financially to do so.

kimfox · 24/09/2021 12:57

I may be wrong but are you both so sure you wouldn't have a stake in his appreciating asset?

I know of a couple where one partner moved into the other's mortgaged property & paid "contribution" towards bills / mortgage & when they split that person took the owner of the asset to court & was grated 50% of the appreciation of the property since the point they moved in and started paying bills... anecdotal but worth checking..

Tistheseason17 · 24/09/2021 12:57

Late drip feed of his salary being £100k plus.

I stand by what I said.

Keep your rented place - split bills *exc rent 70/30 based on earnings. He should pay more proportionately but he's not your meal ticket either.

If it doesn't work out you still have your great rental.

Joystir59 · 24/09/2021 12:58

I think you are mad to move you and your daughter into his house, and certainly you'd be mad to pay towards his mortgage. Marriage is the answer. Or just stay independent.

FinallyHere · 24/09/2021 12:59

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

This is a really risky way to start. You are establishing that you are responsible for the household chores. Really bad idea.

Assuming you split household and child care work evenly, it would be reasonable to save have your previous rent in a joint account towards a deposit for your eventual home.

I wouldn't be moving in with anyone, where the household / childcare was going to be mine just because I didn't have penis.

Collaborate · 24/09/2021 12:59

@Redwinestillfine

I wouldn't move in with him. When he's ready to share properly you can get married. Also if you do move in don't go doing more than half to he cleaning and cooking.
Why is he the one not "ready to share" when OP is the one expecting him to pay 100% of the mortgage and thinks she should pay no rent?
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 24/09/2021 13:01

That’s what you’re doing with your landlord

I wouldn’t move in with someone I was in a romantic relationship with who compared our living situation to a landlord at tenant relationship. Right there exemplifies the power imbalance.
He sounds like he doesn’t see you as an equal partner he plans on building a future with.
I’d get rid of him and stay in my rental.

thedancingbear · 24/09/2021 13:02

He's a total dicksplash and this is heading towards financial abuse.

Get rid, OP. Seriously.

minatrina · 24/09/2021 13:03

@LemonTT oh, I completely agree that she shouldn't move in as I think what he's expecting of her shows he's not a very caring partner.

Kazplus2 · 24/09/2021 13:03

I think half your rent is for, bit only if it is less than or equal to half his mortgage payment. You should also remember a large part of his mortgage payment is actually interest and does not go towards reducing the outstanding balance.

HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 13:04

@kimfox

I may be wrong but are you both so sure you wouldn't have a stake in his appreciating asset?

I know of a couple where one partner moved into the other's mortgaged property & paid "contribution" towards bills / mortgage & when they split that person took the owner of the asset to court & was grated 50% of the appreciation of the property since the point they moved in and started paying bills... anecdotal but worth checking..

Exactly - which is why I wouldn't want anyone paying towards my mortgage/asset as I wouldn't want them to have a claim on it.
CatsArePeople · 24/09/2021 13:05

What about the children?
You will be effectively co-parenting his child.
Would he do the same to yours? I.e. contribute to your child's education?
Or will it be that his child get horse-riding lessons, because he can afford it, but not yours, because you can't?

andtheweedonkey · 24/09/2021 13:06

You won't be saving anything really...
You're going to be feeding him and cleaning his house, it's more inconvenient for your work. You're going to have to give away some of your furniture and you'll be contributing 50% to his bills...
If he's putting your name on the mortgage, it would be worth considering, otherwise...
Stay where you are. Turn this around and suggest that He could move in with you and pay 50% of your rent and rent out his house. He can pay 50% of your bills, do your laundry and cleaning, feed you and be generally more inconvenienced.
I don't think he'd be quite so enthusiastic.

sadie9 · 24/09/2021 13:06

Don't offer to be the kitchen skivvy/domestic servant. This arrangement does not make you two equal.
Open a joint account and make a pro rata percentage of your wages contribution in there.
Get bank cards and this joint account money can be used for food, bills etc and maybe part payment of the mortgage. This account will also provide a record of your contributions.

JudgeRindersMinder · 24/09/2021 13:08

So he gets you to move in, do all the housework etc and pay for the pleasure? What exactly is he bringing to the table?

Justbecauseofit · 24/09/2021 13:08

I think you should be paying rent 💯

You rent anyway?

I think maybe not the full half of his northern payments because it is going towards his own asset, unless you marry but def a fair proportion. You’d be living rent free otherwise

Justbecauseofit · 24/09/2021 13:08

*mortgage not northern

HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 13:11

@Justbecauseofit

I think you should be paying rent 💯

You rent anyway?

I think maybe not the full half of his northern payments because it is going towards his own asset, unless you marry but def a fair proportion. You’d be living rent free otherwise

Yes but as explained she rents as a tenant from a landlord with all the protections that offers.

Handing her DP money each month towards his mortgage doesn't. She would also then have claim to his asset, which doesn't seem fair. If he wants her to move in he needs to accept that, until a point where they buy together.

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