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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
minatrina · 24/09/2021 12:29

@Explosivefarts I really don't care if you think that wanting to be cared for by a partner who I love makes me a gold digger 🤣 I can think of much, much worse things to be, anyway.

I respect myself, and I expect a partner to respect me too. When I first got with my current partner, I paid 100% of the bills and rent as he was in a worse financial situation than me. Then we turned his life around - now he earns a lot more than me, so he started paying for everything. I guess we're both evil gold diggers, oh no 😱😱😱

frazzledasarock · 24/09/2021 12:30

OP is offering to pay half the bills which should cover any increased bills form her moving in, his mortgage repayments will not rise if OP moves in.

OP on the other hand will lose any benefits she currently gets. Lose her housing security, her boyfriend can kick her out whenever he wants, her bills will go up as she will be paying half of her boyfriends bills and he has a significantly more expensive lifestyle than she does given their income disparity and his 'sky tv package', OP will also have increased commute costs.

OP does he have a childminder/cleaner/cook currently?

OP what are the financial advantages to you moving in with him?

TheIrritableGoldfish · 24/09/2021 12:31

But his bills will rise considerably when you and your sprog move in? I think it’s only fair to pay rent

But she is happy to go half on bills which will end up saving him moneys

purpleneon · 24/09/2021 12:31

If you weren't living there would be otherwise rent a room out to someone - if yes, then you should pay, if not, then I would help with bills but wouldn't agree to pay

purpleneon · 24/09/2021 12:31

*would he

PearlclutchersInc · 24/09/2021 12:31

I think you should be paying half - but on the condition there's some security for you ie your name on the mortgage. Alternatively pay less.
Think you need to sit down and look and look at the utility bills as well - will you be enjoying the pleasure of a fancy Sky package or whatever.

Frankly though, if you have reservations, the time's not right and you should say put.

swanswallow · 24/09/2021 12:33

@Veronika13

I think it's fair if you pay 30% of mortgage, or thereabouts.

You should pay less because you are in a riskier position if you split up.

If shit hits the fan he's all cosy and can stay in his place. It's YOU who'll have to find a new place, pay for movers, deposit etc. You've a child so you're limited to location too as presume you've to be near your child's school.

You're BU because you can't live somewhere rent free, esp when there's a mortgage on a place.

He's BU because you're uprooting yourself. He's BU because it's not fair to expect a half; he then gains a lot whilst the only things you're gaining is a risk to become homeless at any given moment.

I agree with this. It is fair that you pay 'rent'. I was going to say a third too in terms of this.
mafted · 24/09/2021 12:35

It doesn't sound logical for you and your child to move in with him at all. I'd keep your flat if I were you.

Veronika13 · 24/09/2021 12:35

@VladmirsPoutine

No doubt I am absolutely going to get trashed for this, but if my partner earned £100K+ and I was on £30K, there's a 0% chance I'd pay for any bills at all tbh. I absolutely wouldn't entertain the idea of splitting ANYTHING 50/50.

Same.

Holy s*. Why should he subsidise another woman just because he's successful, are you joking? What are you doing to do with your 30k then if not pay a penny towards bills, are you going to stash it away whilst he is paying for all your bills? I earn a good wage but my partner is a multimillionaire and I STILL contribute a fair amount to everything. If I had your attitude I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be with me.

It would be different if you were unemployed looking for work then yes to a partner paying and supporting whilst you're looking for work. Or if you're a SAHM.

90sgirls · 24/09/2021 12:36

Half of the rent, half of the bills and food plus a contract to say he needs to give you reasonable notice if he wants you to leave his home. This would be more than fair on both parts.

BurningBright7 · 24/09/2021 12:37

I would stay put, no way would I contribute to his mortgage. Your initial gut feeling is correct .

minatrina · 24/09/2021 12:37

@Veronika13 eh to each their own. I'm very sure it would put some men off and that's their prerogative, but I've not encountered that problem myself, and I wouldn't want to be with a man who begrudged subsidising someone he viewed as a life partner if he earned over triple my salary.

frazzledasarock · 24/09/2021 12:37

OP ask to sit down and go through his monthly outgoings.

It would be insane to agree to pay half of food groceries if he and his child are used to champagne, caviar and lobster and your Aldi. your grocery bills will hit the roof and your half may well end up being significantly more than your current entire monthly grocery bill.

You need to sit down create a spread sheet of all his current bills and all your current bills.

Then decide what is financially feasible for you, given that you are giving up a secure pretty decent rental accommodation to move to an inconveniently located house not of your choosing.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 24/09/2021 12:39

I think you'd be better off staying where you are. I often used to say that the relationship between me and my ex would have never fallen apart if we'd just been able to live next door to each other, and visit when we wanted company, sex, etc. I actually think that so many relationships fall apart because people can't cope with one another's not so pleasant habits or moods, and other than saving a bit of money, what will either of you gain from moving in together? As things stand, you can both obviously afford to live in separate homes, so why not continue that way? You can still presumably sleep over when you wish, you can holiday together if you want, you can support each other when times are difficult, look after each other when one of you is sick, so why risk your security and that of your child, particularly when at this stage, he seems more worried about his finances than making you happy?

littlefireseverywhere · 24/09/2021 12:39

Initially I thought it sounded fair from his point of view but looking at your different finances he now seems unreasonable. I’d think twice about moving in & definitely wouldn’t do all of the chores.

LemonTT · 24/09/2021 12:40

He’s doing what is right for him and his kid. The OP needs to do the same for her new her kid. It’s doesn’t matter how much he earns. The OP needs a secure home to live in. Whether she pays him rent or not, living at his won’t be secure. She’s giving up her control and autonomy to rely on someone whose priority will be his child. It always will be.

I would stay put and work towards building assets of my own.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2021 12:40

[quote Beachshell]@MrsWombat

Thank you. This is exactly my point. It’s about security for me and my child. His proposed arrangement works very nicely for him, but puts me in a precarious position. He’s not losing anything by me and my child living there, in fact he’s gaining monetarily by having half of all the bills paid. Plus the other things mentioned; childcare, cooking, cleaning. Which by proxy often falls to the woman. I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to contribute more than half the bills if I was the one with the mortgage and suggesting he lived with me, whilst being fully aware of what he’s sacrificing (security, furniture, longer commute). In my mind, I’m paying the mortgage anyway as it’s my asset and something for my child to inherit one day, why would I ask someone to pay half of that? If I want a ‘partnership’ I’d be proposing buying a property together or marriage Confused

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together.[/quote]
I think you should turn it around and and look at how much he is gaining by having you move in. At the moment he seems to be acting as if all the benefits are conferred on you so you should have to pay up.
But as you've pointed out - you are moving out of nice flat, with security of tenure, convenient for your work and presumably childcare that allows you to work.
He earns more than triple what you do but wants everything split 50-50%
Including much more expensive bills than you currently pay that he chose to take on, which you would not have.

Is he putting enough value on your contribution to things like housework, a second adult to help out with his child. What are his current arrangements, cleaner, childcare? what is he saving by having you do these tasks (It's a slippery slope really because his it sets a precedent for you doing all the "wife work" because you should be so grateful to live there and at the same time pay half for everything)
So if you move in he gets:
50% of his 4bed house mortgage
50% off all his bills including luxury ones he chose
Convenience of staying in his chosen house and chosen location.
No change to his travel to work time.
No need to pay for his furniture in storage.
Almost full time housework, shopping and cooking and childcare which you have already conceded in earlier post mostly falls to the woman by proxy in reality.
Another adult around to help out with his child
No change in his security or rights to stay there.
100 per cent of Appreciating asset, which he will only be paying half the costs towards. Yes you do pay rent to a landlord, but he is not a landlord as you will be surrendering rental rights.

No one is suggesting you live for free or don't pay your way, but if you turn it round he has lots of benefits which he is not putting a value on when he insists you pay 50% for and he will not be splitting the labour.

It is true that everybody gives up some things to move in with someone else and usually the benefits outweigh that. All I'm saying is there are a lot of hidden costs for you which he just doesn't take into account.

But are you sure you will be happy with carrying those all "costs" in the long term? Once you have moved in, will it get easier or harder to make him see things from your point of view and meet you halfway? Contributing 50% to a more expensive living arrangement will means your opportunity to save for your future will take a big hit, whilst his unallocated income, already triple yours will have had 50% of expenses cut. Doesn't sound quite as equal now as someone saying we should split everything down the middle. How will taking on most of his household and childcare responsibilities impact your own career progression and pension?

I think you have more discussions ahead before you can feel comfortable giving up your independence and security to move in on his terms. He sounds inflexible and as if he has his own interests as a priority rather than fully understanding shared interests.

HeckyPeck · 24/09/2021 12:41

*Half of the rent, half of the bills and food plus a contract to say he needs to give you reasonable notice if he wants you to leave his home. This would be more than fair on both parts"

How have you decided that's fair though? We don't even know what his mortgage is. He might have put down a massive deposit or have a really long term and be paying £500 a month. Then he'd be the one with no housing costs if OP gave him £700 a month.

SandAndSea · 24/09/2021 12:41

Don't do it, OP!

If you want to move into a big house where you do all the cooking and cleaning, have a look in The Lady magazine. There are people who will pay you good money for that and certainly won't expect you to pay them.

starfishmummy · 24/09/2021 12:41

@Beachshell

Because I’m not his tenant, we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together. He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not. He’ll be saving money on his bills plus food shopping. It’s not the same as renting from a landlord at all - with a landlord I am protected by law, I can’t be chucked out with no notice, I don’t have to sell my furniture, I can choose to live in an area that’s most convenient for me…
Then don't move in until you can both act like adults and sort this out in a way you are both happy with
TwinsandTrifle · 24/09/2021 12:43

So your monthly take home is approx £2k and you'd get about £250 in UC and child benefit as well. (How is your rent £1400?! Not my business, but still!) Your leftover for bills and anything else is £850. Presuming bills and grocerys take a minimum of £600 of this, that leaves £250 you could save.

By moving in, you reduce your income to just the £2k. You then give him £700. Your leftover is £1300. On the basis that when the four of you live together, the bills are £1200 p/m you still pay £600 for bills, as your 50% of the household/food costs, you've now got £700 you can put into your savings. You could only provide £250 yourself. Where do you think the £700 comes from? It's from the half price housing cost that living with him enables you to have.

Him. He'll take home about £5.5k per month. Let's say the mortgage is £2k. On his own, bills probably £800. With you there, as in your example, £1200, he now pays £600. And has your £700 towards the house. His bills have gone down £200 and house cost £700. So his amount left over each month was £2700 on his own. And £3600 with you there. He only gains £200 more than you.

Your bills remained the same, his have gone down and both your housing cost has also gone down by £700.

I think what you need to consider is that if it doesn't work out, you've been able to save hundreds more per month than you could on your own so you will be in a better financial position. And if it does work out, let's be honest, it's his 4 bedroom house and his salary that's buying your home together, with a small contribution from you.

Tal45 · 24/09/2021 12:43

Wow is he always going to expect you to contribute as much as him despite earning over three times what you do? How far does this 'sharing' and 'being a team' go?? What is he sharing or giving up for you? Or is it just you doing all the sharing and giving up your house, putting your things in storage, while he stockpiles more and more money - where's the team in that?

I agree that you could put money into a savings account to allow you to contribute when you buy a house together. Or if you split then it gives you a safety net as you will need to find somewhere else to live.

MinnieMountain · 24/09/2021 12:43

Isn’t splitting according to salary the norm with such a large disparity? That’s what DH and I did before we got married.

OTOH do you really want to live with him and expose your DC to him? He sounds like an arse.

Explosivefarts · 24/09/2021 12:44

[quote minatrina]@Explosivefarts I really don't care if you think that wanting to be cared for by a partner who I love makes me a gold digger 🤣 I can think of much, much worse things to be, anyway.

I respect myself, and I expect a partner to respect me too. When I first got with my current partner, I paid 100% of the bills and rent as he was in a worse financial situation than me. Then we turned his life around - now he earns a lot more than me, so he started paying for everything. I guess we're both evil gold diggers, oh no 😱😱😱[/quote]
£30,000 is hardly dire straits

nettie434 · 24/09/2021 12:46

@Blossomtoes

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

That’s what you’re doing with your landlord.

But the OP only has a commercial relationship with her landlord. I understand that the OP's partner doesn't want a complicated split if things don't work out but this is not a good deal for the OP. I do go on about this but I see a lot of posters here who buy the food. Depending on local rent and mortgage costs, with all the increases in food, petrol and utilities, it's quite easy for them to total just as much as rent/mortgage.