Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

@Mombie2021

Don’t move in OP.

All you’re “gaining” by moving in is significantly increased expenses and a lot of risk.

Also he earns more than triple you do and wants you to pay half of everything, leaving him with a lot more disposable income than you.

Fuck that.

I know! And not even half. Half of most, but then all of food and £700 rent!

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

It would have been extremely helpful if that had been in the OP.

So this high earning man is getting a live in housekeeper, cook and nanny. Plus half his bills paid, all him & his child's food, and a contribution to his mortgage.

And you get more cost, much more unpaid work, more commuting and less security.

Why on earth would you even consider this?

These scenarios where you're trying out living together properly never work out. One party is always disadvantaged and it's not the same as doing it fairly. Either buy together (he can ring fence his deposit) or stay where you are.

It’s good see a thread where this is considered in advance!

I would say that whatever you decide is fair, you should move in initially without giving notice on your flat. Trial run. His council tax will go up but so will your commute costs. You’ll still have bills at yours, even if you’re consuming utilities at his. But you’re the one with the hassle of moving. So I would say - no money changes hands. The only joint cost: food, half each.

If you can’t even sort that out… you’ll never reach a fair conclusion on the more complicated situation of fully moving in. In which case - don’t.

And honestly - you’ve not even moved in yet and I’m despairing that you’re volunteering to do more house work 🙄

@minatrina

No doubt I am absolutely going to get trashed for this, but if my partner earned £100K+ and I was on £30K, there's a 0% chance I'd pay for any bills at all tbh. I absolutely wouldn't entertain the idea of splitting ANYTHING 50/50.

And I'd feel so dirty if the situation were reversed and I was asking a partner to pay bills and I earned a lot more than them, let alone a difference between £30K and £100K?!? It just seems so grotty to me.

You would expect another man to pay for you and your child . How bizarre. He has his own child’s interests to protect

@Beachshell

Because I’m not his tenant, we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together. He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not. He’ll be saving money on his bills plus food shopping. It’s not the same as renting from a landlord at all - with a landlord I am protected by law, I can’t be chucked out with no notice, I don’t have to sell my furniture, I can choose to live in an area that’s most convenient for me…

Pay rent. But get a formal tenancy drawn up. That way you will be protected against eviction as well if it goes pear shape. Keep your finances seperate still. Do not offer to pay “all “ bills or “all” food etc, or even do “most of housework. Start as you mean to go on. Establish a 50:50 Split of housework. Split bills and food fairly based on how much you consume. The tenancy will give you the protection and rights you need whilst you do this trial . Do not put your name as main account holder on any bills . Once you know it works, then you can talk about moving in together I. A shared joint purchased place. Look for what is a fair rent depending on how many bedrooms and shared space you will be using. Id advise that for anyone moving into a house that someone owns outright/mortgage on He also gets a benefit- as a “lodger” he can receive up to £6k rent free of tax as income. Win win!

When I moved into my partner's home I paid him the same amount of money I paid for my rental before I moved into his. It was only a fraction but it was important to me that I contribute.
He said it's really not necessary to pay at all but he's not my husband, I don't need to be riding off him.

It actually made things so much better because I felt that I was my place, too. On one occasion he invited a friend to stay over without asking me first, and I firmly yet nicely told told him to ask me in the future, because 'this is my place, too'.

Don't you want to feel like it's your place as well?

I've seen a few of these threads. Of course you should contribute by paying "rent" if you're living there. If you earn 30% of what he does then contribute 30%.

People are absolutely correct that if the roles were reversed the man would be classed as a cocklodger and rightly so. I'm not sure why any adult expects to be able to live in a place "rent free".

Your worries about being left high and dry are valid though. But if you are living together paying less towards the mortgage than if you were renting on your own and you were to separate in a few years, I don't see how you've lost anything financial wise, assuming you'll be paying less towards his mortgage than in a rented place on your own.

If you are talking about marriage then you should absolutely look into buying a house together so he's not the sole homeowner of your property, or look into buying a house of your own if you can.

right then, shes a prostitute? paying for her bed with sexual favours?

why should she live there for free?

Weird take. If she was a prostitute she wouldn't be paying £700 a month for the privilege.

I'm just pointing out it isn't the same as renting from a landlord, where you get some security as well as your own bed.

She wouldn't be living there for free anyway, she's offered to more than cover her costs.

No doubt I am absolutely going to get trashed for this, but if my partner earned £100K+ and I was on £30K, there's a 0% chance I'd pay for any bills at all tbh. I absolutely wouldn't entertain the idea of splitting ANYTHING 50/50.

Same.

Don't move in if you're not happy with it.

Don't move in with this madman, he earns 3x your wage and wants to split the bills including rent Find a new DP who will support you, not shaft you.

When I (female) was with my EXDP (male), I earned double his salary so I paid 2/3 of all the bills. By that reckoning, you should only be paying 25% at most, with him shouldering the rest.

Tbh, I think you'd be mad to move into his. It sounds a very nice deal from his end, all his bills halfed and someone to do all the cooking and cleaning!

From your end, it sounds to me like you'd be paying to become his mum...

Pay rent. But get a formal tenancy drawn up. That way you will be protected against eviction as well if it goes pear shape.

There are no such protections for lodgers. Depending on the kind of agreement, he may have to wait until the tenancy ends, but there's no protection from eviction.

How can he not see the huge disparity (in incomes) here and the awful position he's putting you in?

I believe he can see it perfectly well, and wants to protect himself
No reason why that can't be done in a way that suits both, but not to expect him to do this is naive in the extreme - especially with someone else's child involved

After all, isn't "protecting yourself" what we always urge women to do?

@Explosivefarts if he earned £70K more than me, then yes absolutely I would. If he doesn't like it he can dump me, no problems.

[quote Explosivefarts]@deadleaves where has the OP said she is on a lower income ?[/quote]
I think it can be inferred from the fact she has a two bed rented flat and he an owned four bed house.

I think it's fair if you pay 30% of mortgage, or thereabouts.

You should pay less because you are in a riskier position if you split up.

If shit hits the fan he's all cosy and can stay in his place. It's YOU who'll have to find a new place, pay for movers, deposit etc. You've a child so you're limited to location too as presume you've to be near your child's school.

You're BU because you can't live somewhere rent free, esp when there's a mortgage on a place.

He's BU because you're uprooting yourself. He's BU because it's not fair to expect a half; he then gains a lot whilst the only things you're gaining is a risk to become homeless at any given moment.

I would pay a nominal amount of 'rent', say £100. Then split all bills/food etc 50/50. However I would also put what I was previously spending on rent into a savings account, and label it as saving deposit for a future joint house with him. It could also then be a rainy day fund if you break up?

[quote minatrina]@Explosivefarts if he earned £70K more than me, then yes absolutely I would. If he doesn't like it he can dump me, no problems.[/quote]
Ohhh ok bizarre you think another man should pay for your child that you choose to have .I mean if the term gold digger fits then …

I wouldn't move in OP. As you say, there's no real commitment between you both.
I DO think it's fair for a house-owner to expect a contribution to housing costs from someone else moving in.
HOWEVER, it's not like you'd be a lodger - you'd be a partner, which makes things less clear-cut.
AND he earns massively more than you, which makes 50:50 splitting of all bills unfair on you. He can afford a different lifestyle, which you can't afford but will end up subsidising (eg the expensive tv package).
You need to contribute according to your income, and according to your choices and what you actually use. With such a large difference in income, this is fraught. (Plus it's madness for you to offer to pay all the food, toiletries and cleaning products and do most of the cooking and housework - please retract those mad offers OP!!)

Personally I think the fact that he's expecting 50:50 from you both, given your vastly different incomes, is a massive red flag. I'd probably be reconsidering the entire relationship. That is just totally unfair and greedy of him.

@MsHedgehog

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

This. With bells on.

You cannot expect to live rent free.

But she isn’t.

@Beachshell

Because I’m not his tenant, we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together. He’d be paying his mortgage irrespective of whether I lived there or not. He’ll be saving money on his bills plus food shopping. It’s not the same as renting from a landlord at all - with a landlord I am protected by law, I can’t be chucked out with no notice, I don’t have to sell my furniture, I can choose to live in an area that’s most convenient for me…

But his bills will rise considerably when you and your sprog move in? I think it’s only fair to pay rent.

Of course you should pay rent if you move in but do think long and hard before moving in with him. It is his house and he will want to protect that the same as you want to protect your future for your dc. The best thing to do would be to get a written agreement drawn up that you pay x amount rent and the house remains his. If you are not happy about this then it’s best you stay in your rented accommodation until you can buy a house together where you will share mortgage payments and half the house will be yours?

If it was me I would be doing the later. Moving in with someone is a huge step especially when you have a dc to think of, if things go wrong you will have no where to go and possibly not much money to find somewhere to rent.

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

Oh OP - he's awful!

This man will never be someone to love and support you. It will always be you giving and him taking.

Move on to a better man.