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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 12:02

[quote DamnUserName21]@HarrietOh,

Complete digression but is there any chance you can hold onto your property and rent it out (as insurance in case you and DP don't work out living together)?

I'd hate for you to lose you asset (unless it's a financial drain!)[/quote]
It's definitely something I looked alot into! I understand it would depend on my mortgage company and if they give permission to rent, and that it's often only temporarily e.g. I'd have to have plans to be living there again at some point which I wouldn't. I'd also make a small 'loss' each month, and I'm not keen on the idea incase of bad tenants and the cost of getting rid of them or having the place trashed etc.
The plan is for me and DP to buy together in 2-3 years. If it doesn't happen I'd buy again on my own, or make noises about going onto his mortgage. I'm divorced, so not too naive as my younger self and am definitely conscious about protecting myself!

HeckyPeck · 24/09/2021 12:02

@99victoria

If you pay half of his mortgage then, from a legal point of view, you will begin to accrue a vested interest in the property which means if you split up you can legally ask for a financial return on the increase in the value of the house.

Maybe inform him of this and see if he still wants you to contribute

Definitely.

In fact if he wants you to pay half his mortgage (which we don't know the amount of yet) you could suggest an occupation agreement which states what would happen in the event of a separation (i.e. your investment is returned minus interest) I think his reaction would be interesting.

If he said no, then it would mean he wants all the financial gain but none of the risk.

Explosivefarts · 24/09/2021 12:02

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
That changes things in my mind so you wouldn’t be able to half in on a similar property to the one your boyfriend has if he sold up and you bought together?
Mombie2021 · 24/09/2021 12:03

Don’t move in OP.

All you’re “gaining” by moving in is significantly increased expenses and a lot of risk.

Also he earns more than triple you do and wants you to pay half of everything, leaving him with a lot more disposable income than you.

Fuck that.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 12:03

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
Why, in that case, have you even mooted paying all the groceries and doing all the housework?

He can pay for a cleaner - presumably he does at the moment? It’s a 4-bed house and he has a £100K job and a child, I doubt he’s dusting all the skirtingboards himself…

Go back to basics with the split of financial stuff. With that amount of income disparity he would have to be very ungenerous not to be paying more of the household outgoings.

minatrina · 24/09/2021 12:03

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
I'm in shock, how can he not see the huge disparity here and the awful position he's putting you in? I honestly think you should ditch him, sorry 😬 he sounds like an uncaring tight arse who just wants to take advantage
myheartskippedabeat · 24/09/2021 12:03

@maddening

He rents his house out and you both rent a house together, paying half each.
Yes I'd suggest this

Don't move somewhere that geographically is going to be more difficult for you

Sitchervice · 24/09/2021 12:04

I pay for food and pet vet bills. My husband owns this flat we are moving. Out soon and I'll be paying some. Towards the mortgage but mostly child bills as well as pets and food. I saved up for our new house so all of my savings is going down for the deposit. That's our set up.

HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 12:04

@Explosivefarts
But having two extra people living in his house will cause wear and tear why should they contribute nothing toward that side? I’m guessing OPs child will be given her own room etc

I still wouldn't charge rent towards my mortgage. If I wasn't happy with the 'wear and tear' aspect I wouldn't invite them to move in with me. I'd suggest waiting until buying together.

GreatPotato · 24/09/2021 12:05

In that basis you're already offering far too much and it's very concerning that DPis prepared to take it.

How can you live in a partnership with someone who has so much more disposable income? What happens if he wants steak for dinner every night, or a holiday you can't afford?

GreatPotato · 24/09/2021 12:06

@Sitchervice

I pay for food and pet vet bills. My husband owns this flat we are moving. Out soon and I'll be paying some. Towards the mortgage but mostly child bills as well as pets and food. I saved up for our new house so all of my savings is going down for the deposit. That's our set up.
Entirely different if you're married.
Chloemol · 24/09/2021 12:06

I think it’s fair you pay rent, plus half of all bills and half of food etc

Unless he earns massively more than you in which case proportion it

But it seems to me you are not ready to move in together.

The other option is he rents his place out and you both move somewhere new to rent and split accordingly

Or don’t move in

DamnUserName21 · 24/09/2021 12:07

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
God, that's even worse. And he wants you to pay half the bills and contribute half of what you save from not renting! You'll lose CHB and any tax credits/UC you might get as a lone parent (if you get them!) so what will you 'save' from moving in with him?
Plumtree391 · 24/09/2021 12:08

[quote Explosivefarts]@deadleaves where has the OP said she is on a lower income ?[/quote]
She has said it. He earns £100k, she £30k.

Don't do it op, you have security now.

Notgood234 · 24/09/2021 12:09

Don’t move in and get a new boyfriend .

Wtf86 · 24/09/2021 12:09

You need to look at the overall cost of moving in with him and then work it out - you could end up losing a lot. Based on your salaries he should be paying a lot more.. not keen on this fella he’s not a ‘D’ at all!

Theunamedcat · 24/09/2021 12:09

Is this going to make you worse off? I wouldn't do it

Auroreforet · 24/09/2021 12:11

Don’t move in with him.
Stay independent.
He’s earning 3x your wage and looking to save money with you subsidising his asset.

minatrina · 24/09/2021 12:12

No doubt I am absolutely going to get trashed for this, but if my partner earned £100K+ and I was on £30K, there's a 0% chance I'd pay for any bills at all tbh. I absolutely wouldn't entertain the idea of splitting ANYTHING 50/50.

And I'd feel so dirty if the situation were reversed and I was asking a partner to pay bills and I earned a lot more than them, let alone a difference between £30K and £100K?!? It just seems so grotty to me.

HeckyPeck · 24/09/2021 12:12

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.
Now I think he is a greedy pig.

His take home will be around £5.5k and yours £2k!

I think you need to talk to him and if you want to offer half the mortgage (not an arbitrary figure of £700), but on the understanding that it will gain you an interest in the property. Even if you don't have an agreement, a judge would likely rule that you do have an interest if you pay half the mortgage.

The other option is for you to put the savings into an account to be used towards a joint property, or to get housing or your own if you split.

I think the second option works better for both of you as you both still gain if you stay together, but it's less messy if you split.

Lockdownbear · 24/09/2021 12:12

Op I wouldn't be contributing to his mortgage either. I actually think you are daft to move in with him. He's earning 3x what you are and wants you to split everything.

At most you should be paying half the food and bills but not on the mortgage. Possibly a contribution to the interest but that's it.

He's earning that much I can guarantee he'll have chunks of savings and in control of how much he offsets against the mortgage. So in control of how much the interest is.

However if you do decide to move in sort yourself with an ISA and put your rent in every month. So should you split in 10 years you at least have something to put down on your own place.

GreatPotato · 24/09/2021 12:13

What do you gain from moving in with him OP?

Quite apart from the financial side, you lose a secure home for you and DC, you become his full time skivvy, it seems to mean you end up living somewhere that's not convenient for you and all to live with a man who seems happy for all this to happen and wants your money too.

DamnUserName21 · 24/09/2021 12:13

@Auroreforet

Don’t move in with him. Stay independent. He’s earning 3x your wage and looking to save money with you subsidising his asset.
Yep!
Ashitaka · 24/09/2021 12:15

@HeckyPeck

What is the market rent for sharing a room and bed with your landlord and having no tenancy agreement or rights?

The answer is £0.

That would be a fair amount to pay.

Then either half or proportionate to income of other bills (but not mortgage as that is basically savings).

I would also be wary that he wants to make a profit out of you.

He wants half of what you're saving, but what about all he is saving by having you pay half of bills?

right then, shes a prostitute? paying for her bed with sexual favours?

why should she live there for free?

MaxNormal · 24/09/2021 12:15

OP for the love of god don't undertake to do most of the housework and cooking, you'll be setting a really dreadful precedent.
FWIW I didn't pay "rent" to then-DP when I moved into his mortgaged home. I offered but as I had debts to clear he told me to use the money for that - in fact I think he let me off the bills as well and we just took turns for the groceries. And I out-earned him at that point.

I just don't get the sense your DP is being very caring with this arrangement.

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