Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

What I'm getting from this thread is that a lot of you need to expect better for yourselves 😬

@HarrietOh

Oh and also to people saying 'if this was the other way round.' If someone moved into my mortgaged house I wouldn't want them to contribute towards that. It's my house, my asset. I don't want any potential claims to it if I charge my DP rent.

But having two extra people living in his house will cause wear and tear why should they contribute nothing toward that side? I’m guessing OPs child will be given her own room etc

I completely agree with MrsWombat and I think it's ridiculous to base your "rent" on the rent you pay now. My bills in my current house have absolutely nothing to do with what I was paying in my old house - you'll have no idea what you're "saving" until you move in and can compare all your expenses. Basing it just on a lack of rent is silly, like that's the only bill. I've never considered dividing up costs based on what someone was spending in their old place.

I also heavily agree with do not make your labour part of the agreement or at least, start from the mindset of 50/50. Maybe later, when you revisit things, arrangements can be made but I think offering everything up front means it becomes an expectation that is harder to rework. Do not start from the idea of doing 100% of the food and housework: a few tasks that are 90% each person's, sure, but all of it from the start? That's not really a good way to work out living together well.

Not RTFT.
Don't move in to his house. You will feel like you are a guest or a lodger.

What is half his mortgage?

I would pay 50/50 for bills and food - the extra travel for you and divide all housework, cooking etc 50/50

@lunar1

Take one expense at a time.

Rent, you have to contribute to the cost of your accommodation, his mortgage will be lower than renting a same size house due to the equity he has in the home. He is responsible for all Maintanance and repairs as a homeowner, none of that will come down to you. You have the same number of children so that's equal in terms of rooms. 50:50 on the mortgage cost is still him subsidising you and is probably a good compromise.

Bills at 50:50 is fair enough, though if you don't want a full expensive tv package you should negotiate on that,

Food, household goods etc should be equally split.

Cleaning should be equal, if one of you hates it then pay someone to do your half.

He isn't being unfair, half the mortgage is no where near half the cost of being a homeowner.

My mortgage is around £1500 per month, that's because I have 50% equity in my home, he's not asking for half the true value of his asset, just a portion of it.

Your overall outgoings will be lower, as will his. You will be in the position to save a significant amount every month.

Exactly

@lughnasadh

Wherever you live you should pay your half of bills and rent/mortgage (or 100% if you live alone).

You can't seriously expect to live rent free?

You'd be paying the mortgage of any landlord you rent from, why try to take advantage of your boyfriend?

Wow, so paying half the bills plus food and toiletries and doing the majority of the housework = taking advantage of your boyfriend

What exactly will OP and her DC do to the house that will accelerate the normal rate of wear and tear by fifty percent?

OP if you do pay towards his mortgage have it set up as a DD going directly to his mortgage account and label it mortgage.

If you then want to stake a claim on the house at a later date you have plenty of evidence of financial contribution.

Even before paying him rent, you'd be much less secure and paying quite a bit for the privilege of being a housekeeper while his outgoings drop. I can see that you don't mind this if he's doing something in return, like providing a roof over your head. But no, he wants to benefit from you bring there financially as well, just as if you were a lodger. Perish the thought that he should contribute in any way to a woman and child he's planning to marry while also enjoying the perks of having the housework, cooking and cleaning done for him and food bought for him! The real world doesn't work like that either!

I'm staggered by these replies and don't think you should do this either way but particularly not if he's charging you rent.

You want to treat it more like a project. It's goals are your and your DC's independence, security and future happiness.

Things to consider:

1. How old is DC? How long would commuting to school would be and how long it is now? You need to know how much time you are going to waste on it.
2. If you take DC away from friends they may want to stay more with their dad if he lives close to school/ friends.
3. What are your total bills now?
4. What would you need to pay in total if you go ahead with moving in? This should include additional travelling cost you will have and take into account a few possible outcomes: you pay 50% of whatever you save, you go 50/50 on all bills, food and mortgage or you only pay for food and cleaning products etc
5. Do not offer cooking, cleaning and free childcare to him, you are meant to be equal and benefit equally with you moving in together. How are you going to benefit from it? If you offer too much it will cause resentment down the line and you will be taken for granted.
6. He might have an expensive taste and expect you to pay for multiple takeaways which you wouldn't normally have.
7. If you agree to pay for all food I would insist on the max limit and clear rules.
8. You will sale your furniture for pennies. If things don't go well, you will need to spend much more money on buying new.

10. How about your partner sells some furniture instead of you selling all yours or putting them to storage?

If you decide to go ahead and move in, I would:

1. Want to split everything 50/50 if it works for you of course. You would have to pay rent anyway anywhere you live.
2. Have a separate account for mortgage, bills, food etc and both of you pay into the account an agreed amount every month.
3. You agree in advance what is to be purchased from this account and which expenses are covered by you personally (repairs to the property, furniture, gym, expensive sky, afterschool clubs/ clothing for DCs...)

I would have a conversation to make sure he knows you aren't going to live with him without security for you and your DC longer term. He needs to be told that if things go well, after a year or two down the line you want to be added to the mortgage. I think it would be wise to discuss and be clear about expectations around getting married and having potential children together if not done already

being

Why would he expect you to pay £700 and give you no security in return?

What no one else has mentioned in their telling you to pay half the mortgage is that part of the mortgage payment is capital repayment. No way on Earth should you pay capital in. A contribution toward the interest element at best.

House prices are rising, if he actually cared about you, he’d want you to work tooth and nail to get on the housing ladder. Not paying his mortgage.

If you pay, £700 instead of £1400, you’ll not be much better off when factoring in the on costs, easily £200 storage on your furniture, £100 in fuel plus £100 wear and tear on the car. Not to mention your time. Then there’s removal costs, costs or time to clean your flat to a professional standard and potential loss on your deposit on your house. That will add a minimum of another £100 a month over at least the next 12 months but would need to be paid up front and therefore for the first 2 months, you’d be paying out more than 1.4K.

Even if you spread that over a year, you’d be saving £200 at best with zero tenancy rights when he’d be saving £700 plus owning his own asset in the location of his choosing, with a woman prepared to act as cook, cleaner and childminder.

And is his mortgage even that much?!

@Shirleyphallus

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

This

@AmsterDAMN

Mumsnet usually hates freeloading cocklodgers. Weird

Anyone should hate a financially secure man who wants to get monetary and domestic gain from a lower-income, insecurely housed woman. Not weird.

@HarrietOh,

Complete digression but is there any chance you can hold onto your property and rent it out (as insurance in case you and DP don't work out living together)?

I'd hate for you to lose you asset (unless it's a financial drain!)

If you pay half of his mortgage then, from a legal point of view, you will begin to accrue a vested interest in the property which means if you split up you can legally ask for a financial return on the increase in the value of the house.

Maybe inform him of this and see if he still wants you to contribute

@Mummyoflittledragon

Why would he expect you to pay £700 and give you no security in return?

What no one else has mentioned in their telling you to pay half the mortgage is that part of the mortgage payment is capital repayment. No way on Earth should you pay capital in. A contribution toward the interest element at best.

House prices are rising, if he actually cared about you, he’d want you to work tooth and nail to get on the housing ladder. Not paying his mortgage.

If you pay, £700 instead of £1400, you’ll not be much better off when factoring in the on costs, easily £200 storage on your furniture, £100 in fuel plus £100 wear and tear on the car. Not to mention your time. Then there’s removal costs, costs or time to clean your flat to a professional standard and potential loss on your deposit on your house. That will add a minimum of another £100 a month over at least the next 12 months but would need to be paid up front and therefore for the first 2 months, you’d be paying out more than 1.4K.

Even if you spread that over a year, you’d be saving £200 at best with zero tenancy rights when he’d be saving £700 plus owning his own asset in the location of his choosing, with a woman prepared to act as cook, cleaner and childminder.

And is his mortgage even that much?!

I'm so glad there are lots of people on this thread who can articulate my thoughts for my in a much more intelligent way than I can 😅

My primary thought about all this is that someone who cares deeply about you would not want to profit from you, and they would absolutely want you to get on the housing ladder so that you can be uplifted to a similar position as your partner is.

I really think this man isn't worth OP's time

@deadleaves where has the OP said she is on a lower income ?

@99victoria

If you pay half of his mortgage then, from a legal point of view, you will begin to accrue a vested interest in the property which means if you split up you can legally ask for a financial return on the increase in the value of the house.

Maybe inform him of this and see if he still wants you to contribute

This isn't true, it would be considered rent. I have a friend in exactly this position, all her contributions to the mortgage and running costs carry no weight. However, her contributions to improvements do give her an interest.

It’s not really about money OP. You and your child need a legally secure roof over your heads. You have this now. Don’t jeopardise it by moving in with your boyfriend where you have no legal rights.

Can buy your own property (however humble, or even with a buy to let interest only mortgage) and let it out, then move in with your boyfriend?

Then you will have an appreciating asset and there will be a more even power balance between you and your boyfriend.

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

@AmsterDAMN

Mumsnet usually hates freeloading cocklodgers. Weird

Freeloading cocklodging men

Op is getting some very dangerous advice here. If they’re together 20 years, not married then split up she will have absolutely nothing in terms of equity but her partner will walk away with all the equity in the house. This is why so many women end up in financial difficulties as they approach midlife / retirement.

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

So pay your share of all bills. No more no less. All bills including mortgage. I don’t think anyone things you should pay half, but in line with earnings

@Beachshell

I earn significantly less money. He earns 100k+ and I am on £30k.

This makes the whole scenario infinitely worse. If I were him I'd be laying out the red carpet to get you to move in, if I were you I'd call it quits.