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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
minatrina · 24/09/2021 11:29

@LemonadeFromLemons

This would be my suggestion: Pay half the utilities (maybe argue the toss about the sky)

Pay half of the food costs (as your child is likely living there all the time vs his likely eow this would be him giving a little goodwill).

Pay half of the interest payment on his mortgage (not the capital).

Start a savings account for yourself where you begin to build up some money earmarked for paying into the equity of the property if things work out.

If you’re his cleaner and cook charge him accordingly for half of this work.

Since he's being difficult about it OP, I think the above is the best suggestion.

I'd still be peeved to be paying on the interest tbh but it could be a good compromise - there's not a cat's chance in hell I'd be paying on the capital.

And a very excellent point about considering your labour as a cost

SVRT19674 · 24/09/2021 11:29

To all of you saying that do you expect to live there rent free? Well, he expects a maid salary free, I think he hasn't quibbled that. He also hasn´t lifted an eyebrow at free meals paid for by the OP (her offer includes paying for all the shopping). So basically he would be receiving all included hotel service. I wouldn´t do that OP. Stay where you are. My aunt was married to my uncle. He paid the mortgage, she paid all the household stuff, including food. When they divorced after 23 years she had her half of the house and nothing else, he had his half of the house and all the other stuff he had invested in behind her back and which were accruing value over the years (including two other houses in his mistress´s name). Don´t be my aunt.

supermoonrising · 24/09/2021 11:30

So basically he's buying and gaining hugely long term (paying off the mortgage) and you're renting - getting nothing long term.
Doesn't sound much of a masterplan to me. If you're planning on being together long term you should both be on the same page financially . If not, then thats different.

RitaFires · 24/09/2021 11:30

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money, there would be no way on earth that I would ever want to pay for all the shopping and be the housekeeper as a way to avoid paying some kind of rent. Offering to do all the housework sets you up as having a really unequal dynamic that you could easily get stuck in. I think his suggestion is fairer than yours but you should be able to renegotiate something that suits you both better.

By the way the paying for all food seems like an obvious potential area for conflict, I'd hate for someone to decide that I couldn't have the odd brand name item and switch everything in the house for aldi/lidl, or for someone to take advantage and put lobster in every online shop.

CandyLeBonBon · 24/09/2021 11:32

I can't believe the amount of posters here completely missing the point. Op has no security in this situation. Boyfriend is in a position of strength and op has a weak hand.

She also has a child to consider. No way would I agree to this either but then I've been burnt before so I understand your reticence.

CatalinaCasesolver · 24/09/2021 11:32

@caringcarer

Never offer to do all household chores. He must be capable of doing them himself if he lived alone before. Offer to do half. Offer half cost of food. Offer half cost of bills minus Sky package. Pay £500 rent to him and tell him you have additional costs for storage, which won't be cheap. Tbh he sounds quite mean and not very generous. Think before you commit to him.
Agree with this
HeadPain · 24/09/2021 11:33

Don't move in

bluebell34567 · 24/09/2021 11:33

i wouldnt move in. he seems tight.

bluebell34567 · 24/09/2021 11:34

and to accept to do all cooking and housework is no for me. you making yourself a doormat.

DeepaBeesKit · 24/09/2021 11:35

Yabu. You need to pay your way.

bluebell34567 · 24/09/2021 11:35

@CandyLeBonBon

I can't believe the amount of posters here completely missing the point. Op has no security in this situation. Boyfriend is in a position of strength and op has a weak hand.

She also has a child to consider. No way would I agree to this either but then I've been burnt before so I understand your reticence.

agree.
HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 11:36

I'm doing similar soon OP, except I'm selling my mortgaged house. I won't be paying towards DP's mortgage, like you say I have no security he could throw me out at any point. It's his house, his asset etc. I'll be paying half the bills, and saving what I was paying on my own mortgage. If he wasn't happy with this then I wouldn't move in with him, or would wait until we both bought together.

deadleaves · 24/09/2021 11:37

@CandyLeBonBon

I can't believe the amount of posters here completely missing the point. Op has no security in this situation. Boyfriend is in a position of strength and op has a weak hand.

She also has a child to consider. No way would I agree to this either but then I've been burnt before so I understand your reticence.

This.
CheesyWeez · 24/09/2021 11:38

Tell him you can't afford the money or energy needed to move in.
The disadvantages as you cite them (precariousness, commute, furniture storage, disruption to your child, you getting landed with the housework, cooking and childcare, paying for all the food).

I don't understand why you offered to buy all the food, which is a lot of money, more than energy bills or council tax.

Why not split all the bills including the mortgage for a fixed term (say 6 months?) and at that point decide to buy a more suitable property together, rent somewhere together, be put on the mortgage of the house together.

If you can't commit to the idea of 'family money' then maybe you are not sufficiently committed to each other?

nomoneytreehere · 24/09/2021 11:38

Of course you should pay your way. Or wait until you are married before you move in with him. Your attitude is one of a freeloader.

Explosivefarts · 24/09/2021 11:39

Offering to buy food and live rent free might not be a good deal for him. How much does he spent monthly on food ?

nosecondchance · 24/09/2021 11:40

I am in your situation. My partner also has a mortgaged house, and doesn't want to move from it at the moment. I rented. We are not married.

I have suggested getting something together to both start fresh and on even footing. He doesn't want this, as his house 'still has potential' to be upgraded. (In all fairness, it does.) Due to Covid and the insane prices for getting work done, he does not want to do it right now. Meanwhile, I am dying to get on the property ladder, after years of temporary contracts, which did not allow me to get a mortgage.

He appreciates that because of the current situation, he has an appreciating asset, and I don't. So our solution is at the moment: me not paying rent when living there. I contribute only council tax and share household bills. Any improvements to the house, any mortgage payments, come fully out of his pocket, as it is his appreciating asset. Meanwhile, I can save a huge portion of my salary, to buy my own place (if this relationship were to go wrong), or to use when we move to a different place, which both of us buy together.

LittleMysSister · 24/09/2021 11:41

Any bills should be shared but surely if you want to make a profit from your home you should move in a lodger rather than a partner.

For me, it wouldn't be about making money from my home, but more that I would be paying for the roof over someone else's head while they got to live for free.

I think it's unfair that they would be saving a significant amount of money essentially based on me paying for them to live in my home.

I think it's very fair to contribute half bills and an agreed amount of rent, though not half the mortgage or half or what OP is saving.

HarrietOh · 24/09/2021 11:42

Oh and also to people saying 'if this was the other way round.' If someone moved into my mortgaged house I wouldn't want them to contribute towards that. It's my house, my asset. I don't want any potential claims to it if I charge my DP rent.

frazzledasarock · 24/09/2021 11:43

I have never read a single thread on here where a man has moved into a woman's house and proceeded to pay half of all running costs apart from mortgage and split all housework/chores and childcare. Being called a cocklodger.

Rather the cocklodgers are the men who move in, pay nothing, do nothing apart from live in the house and proceed to eat and drink and use all the facilities for free and throw about their weight demanding the woman also do childcare for his child and that she and her child make big accommodations for his child.

This is nothing like any of those threads.

Love how the same posters keep bleating on about but the menz the poor menz.🙄

lunar1 · 24/09/2021 11:43

Take one expense at a time.

Rent, you have to contribute to the cost of your accommodation, his mortgage will be lower than renting a same size house due to the equity he has in the home. He is responsible for all Maintanance and repairs as a homeowner, none of that will come down to you. You have the same number of children so that's equal in terms of rooms. 50:50 on the mortgage cost is still him subsidising you and is probably a good compromise.

Bills at 50:50 is fair enough, though if you don't want a full expensive tv package you should negotiate on that,

Food, household goods etc should be equally split.

Cleaning should be equal, if one of you hates it then pay someone to do your half.

He isn't being unfair, half the mortgage is no where near half the cost of being a homeowner.

My mortgage is around £1500 per month, that's because I have 50% equity in my home, he's not asking for half the true value of his asset, just a portion of it.

Your overall outgoings will be lower, as will his. You will be in the position to save a significant amount every month.

SaddenedByItAll · 24/09/2021 11:43

You admit yourself OP that you need to see if the blended family works before going further.
And if it doesn't?
In which case you are both still in a trial period and therefore should be paying halfsies but also doing halfsies on the chores etc

Needspace21 · 24/09/2021 11:44

Run! He's a tight arse.

AmsterDAMN · 24/09/2021 11:44

Mumsnet usually hates freeloading cocklodgers. Weird

minatrina · 24/09/2021 11:45

@HarrietOh

Oh and also to people saying 'if this was the other way round.' If someone moved into my mortgaged house I wouldn't want them to contribute towards that. It's my house, my asset. I don't want any potential claims to it if I charge my DP rent.
100% this
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