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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 24/09/2021 11:14

This sounds like a bad deal for your child, being uprooted, longer commute and having to accept a step sibling.

minatrina · 24/09/2021 11:15

@Carboncheque

He pays for the mortgage anyway - for a size and location of house he chose to suit himself. If someone gives you regular lifts you pay towards the petrol and maybe a little extra. You don’t give them half the taxi fare you’re saving.
Spot on
dworky · 24/09/2021 11:16

@Shirleyphallus

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

As a single woman I never expected my ex to contribute to my mortgage as it was & always would be my house. Any bills should be shared but surely if you want to make a profit from your home you should move in a lodger rather than a partner.
DdraigGoch · 24/09/2021 11:18

@Shirleyphallus

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

Paying rent to a landlord is a business dealing. I don't have business dealings with friends and family. I'd never pay towards a mortgage that wasn't in my name, though I would pay my share of bills.
Pebbledashery · 24/09/2021 11:19

@Shirleyphallus

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay him rent, however you shouldn’t be out of pocket so the amount you pay on the extra commute etc should be taken in to account.

I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in.

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

Shirley strikes again. Basically everything here. If the roles were reverse, you'd definitely be accused of being a cocklodger!
LaBellina · 24/09/2021 11:19

Carboncheque
He pays for the mortgage anyway - for a size and location of house he chose to suit himself. If someone gives you regular lifts you pay towards the petrol and maybe a little extra. You don’t give them half the taxi fare you’re saving.

^^ this 100% sums it up!

backtolifebacktoreality · 24/09/2021 11:19

I seen very many posts previously when the tables have been turned and a guy has moved in with a woman. Everyone has said he should be paying some rent towards her mortgage as he's no longer paying any on his former property.

Of course you should pay rent. You are going into a much bigger house and expect to live there for nothing???

If you don't want to clean then the pair of you could pay for a cleaner.

TokenGinger · 24/09/2021 11:20

I don't know why people think because somebody has a mortgage, they should get to live rent free. You don't profit from paying rent to a landlord, so why should you profit off your partner?

You say the house is bigger than your flat so costs more, but I doubt it's more than double the cost of your flat. Also, you benefit from a larger house.

For what it's worth though, if he's on a higher salary then I don't think it should be 50/50. I think it should be proportionate to your income/s.

When DP moved in here, I paid 60% of the bills and he paid 40%, because that was proportionate to our income.

TwinsandTrifle · 24/09/2021 11:20

She is proposing moving from secure accommodation to insecure, as well as contributing more than him to the household costs, and most of the domestic labour. As well an increasing her time and financial costs in travel.

But you need to factor in the £1400 rent she's not paying now. Which would be replaced with a new housing cost of £700. It's a sizeable amount she's saving. One of them has to move. The one with a rented flat (which the landlord might want to sell next year you never know) or the one with a 4 bedroom secured property that can accommodate the family of 4 that will be living there?

Explosivefarts · 24/09/2021 11:20

U live there u pay half the mortgage

deadleaves · 24/09/2021 11:21

He pays for the mortgage anyway - for a size and location of house he chose to suit himself. If someone gives you regular lifts you pay towards the petrol and maybe a little extra. You don’t give them half the taxi fare you’re saving

Totally this!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 24/09/2021 11:21

@LaBellina

Carboncheque He pays for the mortgage anyway - for a size and location of house he chose to suit himself. If someone gives you regular lifts you pay towards the petrol and maybe a little extra. You don’t give them half the taxi fare you’re saving.

^^ this 100% sums it up!

Well, he’s actually asking for half the cost of the car, petrol, tax and MOT.
optingout · 24/09/2021 11:22

Stay put. What he is proposing sounds like a terrible deal for you. You also have your child to take into consideration and you are potentially put them (and yourself) in a precarious situation. If you are really partners he should be able to see this and would take it into account.

Howshouldibehave · 24/09/2021 11:22

So you were paying £1400 a month rent and now you don’t think you should have to pay any?

LaBellina · 24/09/2021 11:23

SHE is the one who wishes to profiteer.

If what the OP is offering her partner your definition of profiteering then please can we make some financial deal where you profiteer from me? Seems like a good opportunity for me to make some money!

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2021 11:23

Why would you even think about moving in with a man and planning to do all/most of the housework ?he lives there now, he eats every day, he can continue to put some effort into those things with you living there! There are no joint finances so keep your half of the housework and cooking time and effort for you and your child.
If you went with his plan but of course halved food, then compared to your original suggestion :
Cost You’d be paying half your rent -£700.
Gain You’d NOT be paying: half the food +250? 300?
Gain don’t pay his Sky: £25?
Gain: hours of time as you aren’t his bloody housekeeper and as an adult he can cook half the time and clean.
Plus other changes to your current set up
Cost: half of more expensive bills: £50?
Cost: commute for you and your child

So if that’s even close to accurate then really you’d be paying about 500 rent which isn’t a bad deal but there is no fucking way i would move in with anyone as their cook and housekeeper and you seem about to do this so just don’t.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/09/2021 11:23

I guess it also depends on how you view relationships. This whole '50.50' 'in this together' mentality doesn't work for some people.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/09/2021 11:23

I like the idea of putting the money saved into a savings account that can be used for if/when we buy a future property together

So do I; in fact it's what I usually suggest, but a PP got there first

Interesting that you've not replied to the many questions about who does the housework now, but a 50/50 split, while very sensible of him, means exactly that. Therefore that's what I'd expect to do with everything ... utilities, food, housework and house costs (but arranged as above)

BTW if you later buy together, or put your name on the current mortgage, he'll need to protect his greater deposit or the equity he's already accumulated in his own name - especially as he'll be housing not only you but someone else's child. If you object to that too (and I suspect you will) maybe you need to think again

Iloveabourbon2 · 24/09/2021 11:23

I think you can't expect to live rent free OP it's not fair. However depending on what his mortgage is you should pay something.

Your right about being at risk though that's for you to consider carefully!

Can your BF not rent considering its a 4 bed? And move in with you even if it's just for a year to see how it all pans out?

I agree with the other poster. Don't take on all the household chores solely you are not a maid.

Indoctro · 24/09/2021 11:23

If you pay towards the mortgage then if you split up you are entitled to a claim in the house

My friend got over £10000 from her BF when they split up as she had paid towards his mortgage when they were together , so he had to give her money back a court said

LemonadeFromLemons · 24/09/2021 11:24

This would be my suggestion:
Pay half the utilities (maybe argue the toss about the sky)

Pay half of the food costs (as your child is likely living there all the time vs his likely eow this would be him giving a little goodwill).

Pay half of the interest payment on his mortgage (not the capital).

Start a savings account for yourself where you begin to build up some money earmarked for paying into the equity of the property if things work out.

If you’re his cleaner and cook charge him accordingly for half of this work.

caringcarer · 24/09/2021 11:24

Never offer to do all household chores. He must be capable of doing them himself if he lived alone before. Offer to do half. Offer half cost of food. Offer half cost of bills minus Sky package. Pay £500 rent to him and tell him you have additional costs for storage, which won't be cheap. Tbh he sounds quite mean and not very generous. Think before you commit to him.

Explosivefarts · 24/09/2021 11:25

@Howshouldibehave

So you were paying £1400 a month rent and now you don’t think you should have to pay any?
This
MrsWombat · 24/09/2021 11:25

£1400 x 24 in premium bonds (in your name) is £33,600 plus winnings in two years time.

If things work out that's a nice chunk towards a wedding or his precious mortgage. If things don't work out then your moving costs are sorted and he won't feel like an arse being generous here chucking you and your child out on the streets. Everyone's a winner.

deadleaves · 24/09/2021 11:26

But you need to factor in the £1400 rent she's not paying now. Which would be replaced with a new housing cost of £700. It's a sizeable amount she's saving

No, because she is also proposing to pay all his food and bills and domestic labour - say £400 food, £150 bills, domestic labour value £450 (about an hour a day at £15 an hour). So that's a risk free net gain for him of £1700 a month.