Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

I'd not have offered my labour as part of the deal.
He'll treat you like an employee. Like you're not paying 'rent' so he'll be getting his money's worth out of you with childcare and housework.
Nuts.

Say you'll pay half the food. Half the bills (excluding his subscriptions that you don't use) and is pay a nominal amount each month as rent if needs be.

He's still got that expense regardless of you living there and he's gaining equity that if you split he'd benefit from. If you stay together and buy then you can put down a bigger chunk of savings if you save this weird 'pay me rent' money.

@yossell

When my partner moved in with me, we split housework and bills 50/50, but she paid no rent at all and didn't pay for the mortgage. We got married 5 years later. 5 years later, when she decided she wanted to leave (no affairs, no infidelity, no fault), she argued that she should have half the worth of the house.

It's very sad but your boyfriend is not being completely unreasonable.

That's because you were married though, how is that related to her not paying "rent"?

I'm sure someone knows more about this than me, but surely if your partner had been paying "rent" then she would have had an even stronger claim on the property.

Just don’t move in with him. Problem solved 👌

oooops trigger finger

At the moment the phrasing "half what you are saving on rent" makes it seem like he is only focusing on your day-to-day expenditure, not your future financial security.

Otherwise, where's your guarantee of security?
He has an asset in his house, which is fine, but he can't expect you to financially expose yourself by paying off ?% of his mortgage to the detriment of building up your own asset.

He may have great intentions, but how many 'Future Fakers' have we seen on these threads ... & how are you going to feel if you spend, say, 10 years helping him pay off his mortgage, then he dumps you?

Without your own substantial savings pot, that could seriously compromise your life, & ability to ever buy your own place.

What is his actual mortgage? If £700 is half your rent for a flat that £700 could be more than half his mortgage.

If you really were a team, he would be prepared to sell his house and move into a rented property together. And you pay every bill 50/50. And you do all childcare and housework 50/50.

His definition of "team" is very selective as it only refers to money for housing costs and ignores the risk you are taking moving in and the other unequal areas of the partnership.

Would he be willing to take on an insecure housing situation and paying rent rather than buying an asset. Then how come it's OK for him to ask you to do this?

BTW - don't offer "half", put a £ value to how much bills/food are so you can have any discussions about what you would expect in that department ahead of times.

@minatrina

I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all. No chance would I ever be with someone who wanted to essentially profit from me. You're his partner, not a tenant.

Equally it would never even occur to me to ask a partner to pay towards my mortgage. How awful

But OP wants to profit from moving in with her partner, saving a wodge on rent, and not sharing it with her partner who is paying for the roof over her head.

SHE wants to profit alone. HE wants to share the profit equally between them.

SHE is the one who wishes to profiteer.

So you want to move in and not pay rent? Imagine if someone posted on here that their bf moved in and thinks he should get to live rent free, there'd a a chorus of people saying get shut he's using you etc. Maybe you should pay the rent for the next year or so, see how it goes before looking to go onto the mortgage (he can ring fence what he's already paid in). If it doesn't work out he just keeps what you paid as rent (fair) if not he can adjust the amount ring fenced accordingly.

Also I wouldn't start this "I'll do all the cooking/housework" thing, you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of it. You are living together so you are a team, you both share household tasks. If you weren't living there he'd have to do the cleaning and cooking, so why would you take over? He's clearly managed it before you were on the scene.

I think you're confusing it by saying you'll pay half the bills and all the shopping and not calling any of it rent.

I think the fairest way would be:

Work out what your current outgoings are for bills and rent. Half that, pay him that as rent, but it's to cover your share of the bills too.

Set up a joint account you pay the same into each month for shopping/food/toiletries etc.

@deadleaves

I'm absolutely staggered that so many responders have stated YABU for not wanting to get yourself in such a precarious position with ALL the risk on you and your child and ALL the advantage to him.

No wonder so many women end up on the relationship boards in terrible situations, when half of the population thinks they are unreasonable for asserting that they shouldn't disadvantage themselves and their children!

Yeah it's weird

He's gaining equity on the house, an expense he has to pay anyway but now wants to half.
Bills won't double with Op moving in so he's gaining half a sky package paid for, half electric etc as well as a live in nanny/maid.
He's got a great fucking deal.
Everyone claiming op is a cocklodger baffles me.

I'd not have offered my labour as part of the deal.
He'll treat you like an employee. Like you're not paying 'rent' so he'll be getting his money's worth out of you with childcare and housework.
Nuts.

Blimey @BathMatToe

Had to go back & re-read 1st post.
Yikes!

DO NOT DO THIS OP.
You are setting yourself up for a subservient relationship, where b/f holds all the cards & you are expected to be grateful to skivvy for him.

Equally it would never occur to me that I could live with a partner and not pay my share. No chance would I want to be with someone who wanted to essentially get a free ride. How awful.

I can't understand why people think paying half of all the joint costs (and in OPs case ALL of the food costs) would be classed as getting a free ride?

Her partner will be saving say £400 for food (as he has kids too) plus half bills will could be around £150.

And have a live-in maid who does all the housework and childcare.

He's hardly being short changed.

Why on this earth have you offered to do all the cleaning in a four bedroomed house? Are you nuts woman??

He stands to gain in this and you will just be his glorified sex on tap housekeeper.

He will not marry you either.

@TwinsandTrifle

Its not just about the money - its about the OP and her DC giving up their current home and security

She's only in rented accommodation now. She can rent again in the future. Agreed, he doesn't have to do this if things don't work out, but he's got a mortgaged 4 bedroom house, and OP has a rented flat, so it seems perfectly logical she's the one to move

to invest in this trial period

It's a trial period for both of them

whilst he risks nothing

One of them has to move, and again it's far more sense for the person in a rented flat to move into the property that can accommodate the two adults and two children it needs too.

and gains a financial benefit.

Just like OP.

The home and security risk is the bigger issue to me.

Yes, but she can find another flat to rent if it comes to that.

I agree with this.

I would not pay half the mortgage but I would definitely contribute something as rent to him. I wouldn't be comfortable with him paying for the roof over mine and my child's head without contributing anything myself except my share of the bills.

He also will have extra wear and tear on everything and will be giving a bedroom to OP's child.

I'd definitely pay him a couple of hundred quid on top of the bills.

Yes YABU.

My DP moved into my mortgaged flat and he pays half of all the monthly outgoings, on the understanding that the asset is still mine but he's winning by paying out less than a 3rd of what it would cost him to live in a similar rented property alone.

Therefore he's building up his own savings at a much quicker pace and if we were to split he'd still be in a much better financial position than he was before we moved in together.

Also, don't sign yourself up to be his housemaid for goodness sake, rent or no rent.

@PjsOn

So you want to move in and not pay rent? Imagine if someone posted on here that their bf moved in and thinks he should get to live rent free, there'd a a chorus of people saying get shut he's using you etc. Maybe you should pay the rent for the next year or so, see how it goes before looking to go onto the mortgage (he can ring fence what he's already paid in). If it doesn't work out he just keeps what you paid as rent (fair) if not he can adjust the amount ring fenced accordingly.

Also I wouldn't start this "I'll do all the cooking/housework" thing, you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of it. You are living together so you are a team, you both share household tasks. If you weren't living there he'd have to do the cleaning and cooking, so why would you take over? He's clearly managed it before you were on the scene.

I wouldn't say that at all. Especially if their boyfriend was offering to pay all the food, half the bills and do all the housework and childcare!

It’s not equal for you to move in with him so just don’t do it?

You have to put yourself through so much risk whilst all he does is gain.

@mrsm43s that's hardly "profit". That's just a saving. Surely you'd be glad to help your non-property-owning partner save some cash so that they can improve their financial standing to a similar level to yours rather than keep them constantly on the back foot? On the other hand, asking your partner to pay into an appreciating asset that you exclusively own is quite clearly a profit.

Let alone the fact she's going to pay for half the bills which will benefit him as his bills aren't going to double, and they've agreed she will pay for all the food, and do all the housework?! He sounds awful.

@HeckyPeck

Equally it would never occur to me that I could live with a partner and not pay my share. No chance would I want to be with someone who wanted to essentially get a free ride. How awful.

I can't understand why people think paying half of all the joint costs (and in OPs case ALL of the food costs) would be classed as getting a free ride?

Her partner will be saving say £400 for food (as he has kids too) plus half bills will could be around £150.

And have a live-in maid who does all the housework and childcare.

He's hardly being short changed.

Is it not better that OP pays a set amount as rent to him than takes responsibility for all these changeable things like food, toiletries and cleaning products?

Imagine the stress over who is going to pay for that takeaway as it's still food, or his child likes to eat XXX and it is expensive etc etc.

Paying a set rent is far more reasonable.

LaBellina
He wants to you to pay him half of what you’re saving in rent, which is £700 plus half of food and bills?

How much is half of the mortgage?
If half of the mortgage is less then the £700 he wants you to pay him then I think he’s a greedy bastard and I wouldn’t move in with him.
Why is his mortgage cost relevant?

Surely if there is a net saving of £700 between them, then this should be shared equally?

Why would that have to be shared equally?
This isn’t an equal construction to begin with. OP is not added to the mortgage and therefore has none of the security of being a home owner. She could be paying rent the rest of her life whilst her partner at some point has a mortgage free home. Second, she is no longer protected by law as she is now because she has a landlord that can not just kick her out. Therefore I think he shouldn’t ask her for more then half of his mortgage. Let her keep what she saves otherwise the only who is getting all the financial benefits from living together is him.
Talking about equality

"I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs."

I’m wondering why you’ve felt the need to offer him all this. I’m guessing he was reluctant on the moving in and this was the carrot you dangled to persuade him.

Seriously OP, you shouldn’t be moving in with anyone.

You want to pay for lodge in kind, by acting as his housekeeper. I wouldn't be happy to be either party in that arrangement

The question OP is whether you have a future together or not.He's not acting like you do.

Don't move him with him until you are married, once you live with him you are in a very precarious position. Don't do it.

He pays for the mortgage anyway - for a size and location of house he chose to suit himself. If someone gives you regular lifts you pay towards the petrol and maybe a little extra. You don’t give them half the taxi fare you’re saving.

SHE is the one who wishes to profiteer

She is proposing moving from secure accommodation to insecure, as well as contributing more than him to the household costs, and most of the domestic labour. As well an increasing her time and financial costs in travel. That's a funny definition of a profiteer. She's just protecting herself. Just like he is trying to by getting her to live with him, with no security, but also giving him cash for the privilege.

He also presumably is a much higher earner than she is, being as he has a 4 bed house and her a two bed rented flat which makes him wanting her to give him money and emotionally blackmailing her with ' you should want to help me as much as you can' particularly odious, given as he is already in the better position financially.

I'd be running away from this guy if I were OP.