to feel heartbroken about the way life turned out ;(

[KurtKu]

this is going to be a sad/self pitying post but I don’t know where else to put this

AIBU to feel heartbroken about the way my life turned out

I was always considered the “smart girl” in school, straight A’s in everything.

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

A LOT of things went wrong and ten years later I’m in a minimum wage job where I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that

Sometimes I think, “how did I get here”. I messed up my A-levels and got BBCD, I messed up my degree and got a 2:2. It wasn’t 100% my fault, the thing about A-levels, I became ill during my last year of sixth form and my illness affected me by giving me headaches and making my head feel foggy and cloudy so I couldn’t think straight. This carried on during my undergraduate where my head felt foggy until final year. I should have told my doctor about all this tbh but I chose to suffer in silence and not tell anybody. Anyway I did a masters recently to try to make up for this but I still feel terrible on the inside, almost nauseous at what my life is, especially compared to everyone else I left school with. Sometimes I just wish I could swap my life for theirs. I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become. This isn’t a joke, I honestly just feel very, very awful my life never came to look like what I thought it would look like, when I think about my age and where I am I feel a mixture of sadness that almost makes me feel nauseous at the same time. Once again, don’t come in with jokes because I am 100% not joking I just have no where else to go with this.

[quote StinkingCold]The NHS scientist training programme sounds like something you could consider..

nshcs.hee.nhs.uk/programmes/stp/applicants/?_ga=2.130849423.1472667863.1632420497-1349199872.1632420497[/quote]
Thank you @StinkingCold I’ll look into this

This resonates a lot with me OP because actually we've mirrored each other in some way. I also got BBCC in A levels after being predicted all As then got a 2:2 in uni. I'm also in my late 20s. I think what was lucky forme is I ended up getting an internship and got paid peanuts to learn on the job. I stayed there and left 3 years after as an actual professional which helped me get my foot in the tech industry. I guess it helped that I did a STEM degree and that may well be where our road forked.

What I can say is that it's not too late at all. Research a career you think you'd enjoy, and start working towards those qualifications.Then you'll probably have to do some creative arranging of your CV to help out a bit, but tech in particular is crying out for workers so you may well find that you don't need so much experience to start climbing the ladder. It must be disheartening to be where you are right now, but you can definitely change your story, just don't give up! @KurtKu

The scientist featured in the Radio 4 programme The Life Scientific this week was about a woman who by one of those awful chances of life missed her A Level maths exam and as a result didn't get to university. She went off and did other things, including some years spent travelling, marriage and children and eventually got around to studying with the Open University and doing a PhD when she was 48, subsequently becoming a successful academic at Oxford. You are still so young you have loads of time to sort out something for yourself.

You can try to brighten and broaden your life, even if it isn't workwise, by taking up some interests, whether it's a simple daily walk to connect with nature and the world around you, observing the weather and the seasons or take up something like photography, art, music, crafts or sport or visiting places of interest or weekends of cultural events or outdoor activity in mountains or forests. It's good to be active and engaged in something other than work, that you can enjoy and be enthusiastic about. Then when you are feeling more alive and hopeful you can plan how to launch yourself into something fulfilling jobwise. You will take your refreshed and renewed sense of yourself into the job application and job interviews.

Or you might decide to launch yourself as a freelance or self employed person. Goodness knows, there are loads of people about offering themselves as consultants, mentors, facilitators, recruiters, communicators, trainers, advisers, counsellors and whatnot, and making a good living at it; some of them start their own business, employing others and are successful and independent.

I was where you are at 29 (stellar student, minimum wage job). A decade (and several children later) and I have a senior management job that I love. It took a lot of tenacity and jumping at opportunities, but I wish I could go back at tell 29 year old me where I am now. Please don't write yourself off. Our stories move at different speeds. Some of my friends who were flying high in their twenties later burnt out or admitted they hated their jobs. Focus on you not on others.

You are in your twenties (so young! Still so much time!) and have a degree and a masters and there is a pandemic on, you are being way too hard on yourself here! Nothing wrong with a minimum wage job wiping poo etc (I assume you are a carer?) and in fact that sort of job is important and worthwhile and can make a huge difference to the lives of the people you work with. However it sounds like it’s not the career you are dreaming of - so keep applying for job opportunities you would like, and try not to take rejections personally, it’s often just a matter of luck/timing etc. Worth asking for feedback after unsuccessful applications especially if you met their criteria and got to interview stage. That’s a hard thing to do but important to know what is it that is stopping you getting the jobs you want.

You sound very perfectionist/all or nothing/self critical in your thinking. Do you think you could be depressed? I think you might benefit from a course of CBT counselling, I tend to be this sort of person too but CBT really helped me. Things on paper really aren’t as awful as you seem to think they are. You have lots of opportunities still ahead of you and life can change very quickly sometimes.

I agree with others saying don’t compare yourself to others. And remember it all looks glossy on social media but you don’t know what might be going on behind closed doors. At your age I thought I had it all in place and I know some of my peers envied me. Roll on a decade or two and the situation is reversed and I am envious of them! I know this feeling of thinking that your life really hasn’t gone according to plan - domestic abuse, divorce and child custody battles were never part of my plan for example but in my late twenties I didn’t know this was my future.

Probably the last thing you’d want to do is more studying so if there is a career you are keen on that you can pick up now with your current qualification then do that. I wonder, if you had initially been interested in medicine, whether you might want to look at training as a physicians associate. Just an idea but I am a GP and I am actually a bit jealous of the physicians associates who get in my books what is fairly decent pay for someone without an actual medical degree who is now doing the more straightforward (and often more enjoyable!) parts of what used to be my job, freeing me up to deal with the more complex cases. There is lots of scope for expanding your skills and knowledge and shaping your role as a PA in years to come as it’s still a pretty new profession in the UK. An exciting time to be a PA actually. I think it’s a really viable career choice! And a lot faster than training to be a doctor and no need to do the gruelling junior doctor years of being told where you will have to move to work, doing night shifts and fixed rotas etc. where you miss every social event going, no matter of it’s your sister’s wedding etc.

You sound depressed,please seek some professional help

Also, you need to leave your job."cleaning someone's bum" is not respectful term.you obviously work with old or very young vulnerable people,who need caring people,who enjoy their job.please take a break and seek help,so you can turn your life into positive actions.you deserve it and other people deserve a kind carer.all the very best for your future.

Maybe try ans get on one of those female
Returner
Programmes in the city ?
Don't have to have kids to do it
All banks and accountancy firms do them now
Or looks at reignite academy

Hi OP,

I was where you were ten years ago! In my late twenties as a graduate, still waitressing, volunteering within the filed I wanted to work in and being rejected by so many applications /interviews. I also rented in a really deprived area which I desperately wanted to get out of but I couldn’t afford to live anywhere else. I was so broke! Constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul, in about 7k debt and single.

It was soul destroying and what made it harder was all of my friends and peers were doing amazing things with their lives and I felt I was going no where, backwards even. I was always so happy for them but kept thinking “when will it be my turn?”

At 30 I decided to apply for office based work, still in the same field but within a different area and within a couple of years my life had changed so much! Fast forward to now, I’m in my late 30’s, still in the same job, gained several promotions and live in a beautiful home that own with my husband.

I just want you to know that things will get better, it won’t be easy or happen over night but in ten years you’ll look back at this time and realise how far you’ve come. I agree with pp who have said to talk to someone/GP you could also be depressed.

Go easy on yourself OP, the life you want for yourself is out there - it’s not too late 💐

Can I chime in with my experience?

I had a similar experience to you with a-levels and uni, then also did a masters. I got pregnant and my own career just disappeared or hardly even started.
I felt the same way as you . In fact 6 years ago I had two jobs , one as an administrator another cleaning toilets. Both minimum wage.
There was not a day I didn't cry about what a failure I was.

Since then I have a career and a great salary. But only in my forties!
You are young. You will get there I promise.
I know it's hard. And I've really lucked out. But you CAN DO THIS!

This is a lovely thread. So many stories of encouragement from people who have felt demoralised and trapped in dead end jobs and have found their way out and done well.

Hey OP, don’t dwell on your grades and focus on you and look for new opportunities where you can grow, develop and thrive. Set up an account on LinkedIn and look to see what’s out there. If you’re unhappy and unfulfilled don’t accept life as it is and make some changes.