to feel heartbroken about the way life turned out ;(

[KurtKu]

this is going to be a sad/self pitying post but I don’t know where else to put this

AIBU to feel heartbroken about the way my life turned out

I was always considered the “smart girl” in school, straight A’s in everything.

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

A LOT of things went wrong and ten years later I’m in a minimum wage job where I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that

Sometimes I think, “how did I get here”. I messed up my A-levels and got BBCD, I messed up my degree and got a 2:2. It wasn’t 100% my fault, the thing about A-levels, I became ill during my last year of sixth form and my illness affected me by giving me headaches and making my head feel foggy and cloudy so I couldn’t think straight. This carried on during my undergraduate where my head felt foggy until final year. I should have told my doctor about all this tbh but I chose to suffer in silence and not tell anybody. Anyway I did a masters recently to try to make up for this but I still feel terrible on the inside, almost nauseous at what my life is, especially compared to everyone else I left school with. Sometimes I just wish I could swap my life for theirs. I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become. This isn’t a joke, I honestly just feel very, very awful my life never came to look like what I thought it would look like, when I think about my age and where I am I feel a mixture of sadness that almost makes me feel nauseous at the same time. Once again, don’t come in with jokes because I am 100% not joking I just have no where else to go with this.

[Calmdown14]

And don't minimise the skills you do have in your current job. Having just shortlisted for a very generic but great first rung jobs, I felt so frustrated at some of the candidates. They failed to meet the basic criteria, except looking at what they had done, they must have but they failed to tell me so.
Always write a covering letter. Particularly where you have something to explain. You can say you suffered health issues during your first degree but have maintained the determination to prove your academic ability and have done so through your masters. Show them you are not someone who gives up and that you have been prepared to graft and gain real world experience in a clinical or care setting.
Frame it well - in a statement and in your own mind

[Choux]

@CrimeJunkie01

I left school with no A levels and was in prison at the age of 25. I started a degree at 26, which took 6 years (part time) and I got a 2:1. I can honestly say that no job I have ever applied for has asked what classification my degree is. I am now in a very well paid job that I have worked hard to get to through the ranks.

What I am saying is that it is never too late to turn things around, and also, you are worrying about stuff that doesn't matter.

If I were you, id take an entry level job in something you really want to do and work to get promoted etc.

Respect to you for persevering and getting to where you are today.

[Peggytheredhen]

Despite being chronically unwell you achieved A levels and a 2:2 at degree level. That shows resilience.

This

[TheMamaYo]

Oh you have time. 💕 Many people only find their way later in life, and you are still so young. Dare to dream again. This isn’t it for you.

On a different note, I am sure you are much appreciated in the caring role.

I have so much sympathy for you with the foggiest etc. My son has been diagnosed with Chiari malformation, and is having brain surgery on Monday to try and alleviate this alongside other symptoms. It has influenced him quite a bit, I think.

Good luck with the future. Go make the best of it.

[MouseholeCat]

Things can and do get better- keep persisting. Your masters degree is a great reset point to help you get into a career you love.

My DH had a really low point in his late 20's where he had a stretch of unemployment and ended up in a total dead end job that left him depressed. Roll on 5 years and he's got a job in his field, has had 2 promotions, doubled his salary and is now being put forward for senior roles. He just needed to get that one opportunity.

One thing I always suggest if you've got an unconventional history is to reach out to people working in jobs you aspire to and ask them if they'd be happy to give you some tips. I'm always happy to do this and I've even put people forward for roles after meeting them.

[Happymum12345]

It sounds like you need a new job. Your qualifications sound pretty good to me.

[Dashel]

I would get a CV and I would go and see a job agency and say you are looking for a career change into another avenue, maybe a junior position to start with, but if you look for a company that likes to progress internally or for an adult apprenticeship

[Unsure33]

what would you really like to do ? Degrees are not everything . you have intelligence so find a job you like .

I had no degree of any sorts . Started book keeping in my 30s and by my 40s I was a Director in a small company and then an owner .

you can do it - of course you can - you just need to find what interests you and go with it .

[StinkingCold]

The NHS scientist training programme sounds like something you could consider..

nshcs.hee.nhs.uk/programmes/stp/applicants/?_ga=2.130849423.1472667863.1632420497-1349199872.1632420497

[AlexaShutUp]

Oh OP. I really feel for you but you have to break out of your current mindset. You are still so young and you have so much life ahead of you. There is still plenty of time to turn things around.

My mum is in her 70s, and she feels like she has wasted her life. She is a brilliant, talented woman - incredibly intelligent, compassionate and empathetic. Messed up her degree due to mental health problems (and I suspect undiagnosed adhd). Managed to forge the beginnings of a successful career despite that failure, but gave it up when she had children and never found the confidence to return. She is utterly broken by the sense that she has wasted her talent and potential, and she is consumed by guilt and regret. She could have done something to change this years ago but she had already convinced herself that it was too late. It wasn't then, but now it probably is. It makes me so incredibly sad, as she had so much to offer the world and she knows it.

Please don't become like my poor mum. The potential that you had when you were younger is still there, but only you can make the decision to unlock it. You can either accept your situation or you can do something about it. It isn't too late for you at all. You just have to believe that you can change the current trajectory. Set some goals and pursue them. You will fail again along the way. You will experience more rejection. But if you believe in yourself and keep trying, you will eventually get somewhere.

Good luck!

[Couchbettato]

So OP I was kind of the opposite. Did well in school. Straight As, then at college I just decided it was a bit of a piss take.

I could see the rat race around me, people determined to be the best and get the best jobs and do their best but I knew in reality it was gonna be a highly competitive world and in many cases it's who you know, and I've first hand experience of that.

So, yeah, I fucked off college, didn't bother with uni.

I watched one of my friends crumble because her sister managed to get on a dentist course but she only got dental technician level requirements.

At the end of the day it didn't matter because the only reason they both got employed was cos their dad owned 4 dental practices.

Otherwise they'd probably be like the rest of us, in minimum wage positions.

I went down the apprenticeship route because practical skills and no debt seemed ideal for me.

Now I'm distance learning and have a career in mind that is much more achievable now I've got life experience.

Nothing you did was wrong. There are too many external factors that determine someone's success. And I don't think the pressure to perform at a young age is beneficial. The structure of school. College. Uni. Job. Straight from 16 doesn't work for every one and some people put too much investment into it which leads to greater disappointment.

Your time will come OP but you need to stop putting yourself down.

[ejhhhhh]

It does sound like your confidence has taken a big knock, but as has been said by lots of other posters, your qualifications are more than sufficient for loads of professional jobs. I didn't start my "career job" until my late 20's, and didn't really even hit my stride in it until my late 30's when my young kids were older. It's absolutely normal to not be killing it career wise in your 20's. If your current qualifications aren't getting you the opportunities you want, retraining sounds like a good idea. I'm not so convinced by Masters degrees tbh, I think they're often used as a bit of a money spinner for universities, and they're often just an extension of a degree without necessarily increasing employability. Something like a conversion course, or vocational qualification or masters would be more the way to go imo, in a field where there are plenty of vacancies (and they do exist, eg. data science, programming, healthcare, teaching etc being a few examples). Good luck!

[StinkingCold]

"The STP (Scientist Training Programme) is for well-qualified science graduates with a passion for science and patient care, and with the motivation, behaviours and values needed for the NHS of the future.

As a trainee you will be employed in a scientific department, normally in the NHS (or in some cases by an NHS private partner or a private healthcare provider), for a three-year training period.

The training post is salaried at NHS Agenda for Change Band 6 (currently approximately £31k).
On graduating, you would be eligible for statutory Clinical Scientist registration with the Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) and would be able to apply for Clinical Scientist roles in the Health Service."

Quals required: BSc at 2.1 OR BSc and a master's.... Preferably BSc in a science.

[savvy7]

Don't despair. Late 20s is way too young to write yourself off! Just focus on what you want to do / achieve and you will be fine. Employers are more flexible than you think

[Freeloadingtosser]

Science degree, masters and healthcare experience (I assume you mean care work from the bum wiping reference)? You're in a great position if you wanted to do graduate entry medicine. You'd need to sit one of two tough exams, the GAMSAT or the UKCAT and pay the first 3k or so upfront so there are a couple of things to consider but the rest is funded, including maintenance loans.

I get that you feel in a rut and like you haven't fulfilled your potential but you have loads of time. Just think what you want to do and make a plan. Find a careers advisor or use your Uni's service if you're not sure.

[iamprobablynotyourcupoftea]

If it helps, I had open heart surgery after leaving school. And ever since, struggled to keep a proper job. I'm currently clinging onto what I have at the moment, because I've had so much time off and now need further heart surgery. . It's just a joke

[irishoak]

I feel like this a lot of the time recently too OP,

Soon to be divorced, abusive marriage has damaged in ways I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over, mid-thirties so my chance of having kids and a family gets smaller every day. Job okay at the mo, but very tenuous and not real idea what to do next. Lots of debt, some of it down to me, a lot down to my ex.

I had a cry the other day when I read an interview in the paper with someone I used to go to school with who is now a professional athlete, with a lot of things going on outside the sport too. I would have said at school that we were equally clever, equally confident and that I had just as much of a chance of making something of my life as they did. It's hard to see the difference in our lives now.

[PinkArt]

So much lovely advice here. OP I echo the suggestions to reframe your thinking with this. You are so young still. And frankly you probably look so young too so aren't going to stand out as 'older' if you enter an industry alongside 21 and 22 year old grads!
My suggestion would be thinking outside the box a bit. Work out where you plan to be in 5 years and consider every single route to it.
Maybe move sideways - join a temp agency that does care work but also other jobs. Build a reputation with them as a good worker in the field you know and then ask them to put you forwards for admin or hospitality or events etc. Or think about completely different career choices. I work in TV production and couldn't care less about your A Levels or the 2:2 but your degree could make you a great Jnr Researcher on a science documentary and your background on care would tell me you aren't afraid of hard, unglamorous work so I could trust you to be a grafter. There will be other industries that don't seem like an obvious fit that might be where you are meant to be.
You've had a handful of years that haven't quite worked as you'd like but you have decades ahead of you to turn into whatever you want them to be

[Lotusmonster]

@Embroidery

Bloody hell OP. Do you come from a spectacularly over achieving family?

Your A Levels are far better than mine.
You have a good degree.
You have a masters.
I'm in a professional role with far lower qualifications and have been all my life.

Most people would be very proud to have your level of qualification.

Get you head out of your arse. Naional 5 A-C pass rate at GCSE is 56%. 44%% of the nation every year don't have 5 GCSEs.

So your not insert-family-member-here / einstein. You are still in the top 1%.

Act like it. Its your resentment and self pity not getting you jobs. Or that youre not training for a profession. Do that.

I've avoided being mean about your current job as it's mean and derogatory to those who do it.

I agree with this!

[veryanonymous]

Just read your update that you’re interested in a career in Health @KurtKu, here’s the info about financial support for training / re training in a healthcare profession: www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/career-planning/study-and-training/considering-or-university/financial-support-university

[OnwardsAndSideways1]

@Pollythecat15 your post really spoke to me, I'm so sorry about your son, it must be heartbreaking to keep thinking about the 'what if's'. I know it's not helpful but what you wrote really moved me. Hugs and courage for the path ahead.

[Tal45]

You have 4 A-levels and three above a C? That doesn't sound messed up to me. My hubby got a 2.2, he's now a higher tax payer earning very nicely, he worked his way up like anyone else.

Stop comparing yourself to others! It's well known saying that comparison is the thief of joy, there will always be someone doing better than you or who earns more than you. Be pleased for them and just concentrate on working towards a job that will make you happy, that's what's important. People can have flashy jobs, earn loads of money and still be absolutely miserable.

[KurtKu]

@Beancounter1

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

This may be the root of the problem. You expected. You imagined it would all just happen. You have something of a sense of entitlement - with future husband as well as career.

It is a rare and lucky person who finds that life just happens to give them what they expect and want. Things just don't turn out that way for most people.

Perhaps you need to swallow your pride and get some humility. Perhaps you need to develop a sense of gratitude and give up the envy. Perhaps you need to develop optimism and cheerfulness. Without knowing you personally, we can't pinpoint what is your issue.

Then take a long hard look at yourself: what you actually want to do, what are you good at? If self-reflection does not come easily and you don't know yourself well enough, ask close friends and family what are your strengths and what sort of job they could see you doing in 20 years time?

Then accept it takes about 15-20 years to build up a career. But you have about 40 years of working life ahead of you before you retire, so there is plenty of time.

Thanks @Beancounter1, especially the line “Then accept it takes about 15-20 years to build up a career”.

It’s going to sound strange but nobody ever told me that before even though it seems obvious, I never thought about it that way because I’m always looking at people who are in good positions without consciously thinking about the fact it took them years to get there and they started from the bottom too and worked their way up.

[KurtKu]

@Pollythecat15

If this is how most people feel then maybe I should be thankful that my son (in his 20s) doesn't feel any of this.
He is frozen as a baby and spends his days rocking and shaking a rattle having never spoken a word in his life.
He isn't heartbroken at the way his life turned out (he doesn't know of the things he missed out on - independence and freedom being top of the list) but I am devastated. It just never gets any easier, this heartache. I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my chest.
I've never known him any different yet I still can't deal with the fact I will go to my grave having never had a conversation with him.
We only get one shot at life and he has been denied the most basic gifts the world can offer. One thing it has taught me is to never take anything for granted.