to feel heartbroken about the way life turned out ;(

[KurtKu]

this is going to be a sad/self pitying post but I don’t know where else to put this

AIBU to feel heartbroken about the way my life turned out

I was always considered the “smart girl” in school, straight A’s in everything.

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

A LOT of things went wrong and ten years later I’m in a minimum wage job where I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that

Sometimes I think, “how did I get here”. I messed up my A-levels and got BBCD, I messed up my degree and got a 2:2. It wasn’t 100% my fault, the thing about A-levels, I became ill during my last year of sixth form and my illness affected me by giving me headaches and making my head feel foggy and cloudy so I couldn’t think straight. This carried on during my undergraduate where my head felt foggy until final year. I should have told my doctor about all this tbh but I chose to suffer in silence and not tell anybody. Anyway I did a masters recently to try to make up for this but I still feel terrible on the inside, almost nauseous at what my life is, especially compared to everyone else I left school with. Sometimes I just wish I could swap my life for theirs. I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become. This isn’t a joke, I honestly just feel very, very awful my life never came to look like what I thought it would look like, when I think about my age and where I am I feel a mixture of sadness that almost makes me feel nauseous at the same time. Once again, don’t come in with jokes because I am 100% not joking I just have no where else to go with this.

I understand how you feel, believe me. But how old are you? Are there any barriers to you re-training? It sounds like you might be in a caring role - does your employer subsidise the new nursing apprenticeships maybe?

But try to think about your achievements outside of work etc. Are you a kind person for example? Maybe you're the only one in your street who bothered to shop for an elderly neighbour during lockdown? Maybe you're the one who picks up the litter in the park? Or goes out of her way with difficult people? I know these things don't get you recognition or status but they are more important.

You sound like a good person who did well at uni despite considerable difficulties. Well done.

You are really very young. It's understandable to feel a bit discouraged when things seem to have gone off track.
I have known people who have retrained for a completely new profession at 40+ and done well.
Try to think what you would really like to do and what you feel strongly about and then work back and think what small steps you can start to take towards your goal.
It isn't unusual to have setbacks and have to start over.

What do you want to do?

You’ve still got 40 years + of work life in you - that’s plenty of time to create a fulfilling career.

Bloody hell OP. Do you come from a spectacularly over achieving family?

Your A Levels are far better than mine.
You have a good degree.
You have a masters.
I'm in a professional role with far lower qualifications and have been all my life.

Most people would be very proud to have your level of qualification.

Get you head out of your arse. Naional 5 A-C pass rate at GCSE is 56%. 44%% of the nation every year don't have 5 GCSEs.

So your not insert-family-member-here / einstein. You are still in the top 1%.

Act like it. Its your resentment and self pity not getting you jobs. Or that youre not training for a profession. Do that.

I've avoided being mean about your current job as it's mean and derogatory to those who do it.

Unfortunately, as my 2 older ds have found out, unless you have work experience in the field you want to get into, not even a Masters will get you there on its own. If you’ve decided what you would like to do, I would suggest doing some voluntary work in that area to get something on your cv.

There is a specific phrase for this but I’ve forgotten it sorry!…someone who is a high flyer at school and then doesn’t necessarily go on to having a similar professional life. It’s often associated with high functioning neurodiversity, especially in women. No one suspects you may have ASD/ADHD etc if you seem to function fine in life. It may not even be a case of “masking” anything. Anyway, just something you might like to look into if you feel it might help.

I appreciate that having a minimum wage job is crap, but so is having a lot of responsibility and stress! Earning more money isn’t going to be an automatic path to being happier. Perhaps you could focus your currently unused intellectual energy on some other extracurricular projects for now? Something that might open more doors and horizons?

OP, I am so sorry that you had such a long run of ill health affecting you at such a critical age. But no one can take away your intelligence. It's still there and you can still use it.

FWIW, I felt very like you in my late twenties. I got a good degree from a good university but poor mental health and no support meant I ended up working in a greasy spoon cafe, no boyfriend, while everyone I was friends with at uni was married and pursuing careers in law, medicine, the city, living in stunning houses, having children.

My life turned around when I had a good think about what I'd like to do and then just did it. I didn't wait to get employed, I set up on my own. At first I massively undercharged but then a friend put me in touch with a brilliant financial therapist who encouraged me to price my work competitively and to my astonishment I got more clients not fewer. i love the work, and can fit it around my health.

You clearly don't love your work. You find it degrading and you know you'd be happier in a more intellectual role. That's fine. Allow yourself to explore how you might make that change. Is there anything you'd like to do, that you'd enjoy or feel proud of that you could start doing by yourself, freelance? Is there a more suitable role in your current job? If you work in the care system, could you move across to management, or the charity sector of the specific area you have hands-on experience of?

Have you considered the Civil Service or the Police, both of which actively recruit clever people?

And very important: was your health issue ever discovered and correctly treated?

You sound young - as in, no older than early thirties perhaps. You have decades ahead of you, in which to bloom and flourish and make a life you are proud of. You just might need to do it in a less conventional way than the one that is currently blocking you. Most vastly successful people work for themselves, and many absolutely failed at school or uni.

Also, look at your whole life and try to improve all areas of it. Don't feel work alone is the marker of a good life. Getting fit, sorting out where you live, even if it's a rented room, so it pleases you, building a strong social life, exploring where you live etc - all of these are things you can do that have nothing to do with exam grades. Let other areas of your life flourish and the rest will follow. as you'll start to feel more upbeat and self confident.

You're so young! Life hasn't "turned out" like anything, you're still right at the beginning. What would you like to do? You're obviously clever, and have a masters degree. I know someone who started their medical degree at 40 and is now a doctor. Comparing your life to others is a total waste of energy.

@HunkyPunk

Unfortunately, as my 2 older ds have found out, unless you have work experience in the field you want to get into, not even a Masters will get you there on its own. If you’ve decided what you would like to do, I would suggest doing some voluntary work in that area to get something on your cv.

More likely they are unprepared to start at the bottom

I have a similar academic history (A Levels ACCD, when I was predicted straight As. I did manage to get a 2:1 but until I became ill again I was on track for a 1st). I got lucky in getting on a grad scheme and I'm in a reasonable place in my career but due to ill health continuing in my twenties Im actually on the same level I was 15 years ago (I'm 40). It's hard watching people I studied with be much further ahead. Anyway, I get where you're coming from.

We're actually struggling to fill admin roles at the moment. If you had a clean slate what would you want to do?

I think this is the problem that successive govts since Tony Blair have created by making higher level qualifications an expectation. There are lots of reasons why this doesn't happen for people at school and they're almost written off by employers. I'm in my 60s and I know a lot of people who never did higher quals than o levels who went on to well paying and rewarding careers. It's much harder for that to happen these days.

You need to think what job you want and if you feel you degree is not going to get it, you need to look at other roads to get there, such as getting experience within the industry but at a lower level. Late 20s can seem old for this but it's truly not. I have taught people from all different nationalities and one of the things that they love about the uk is that people are flexible to change careers at any age. And don't compare yourself to other people. Look for what makes you happy and act on that.

You’re incredibly young. Please try not to think life has ‘ended up’ anyway, you’re just starting out. Plenty of time for some course corrections.
What would you like to do? Can you chat with anyone about it? Have you got feedback on what might be going wrong with your applications? Sometimes the first step is getting over our pride a bit and asking for help. In my experience, people actually love to help and advise. So just step out and ask!

I was doing OK in my late twenties but not really enjoying my job.
I did a vocational masters at age 27, whilst working as an intern in a professional company related to that degree. It was a tough year, full time masters, part time work to keep me afloat financially just about, but very do-able. The company took me on full time once graduated and now at 31 I'm a chartered professional consultant in a field and career I absolutely love and feel like I'm constantly developing and progressing and for the first time in my life feel truly "successful" professionally, if that makes sense?

Not trying to brag, just saying you totally have plenty of time to turn it around. You've got this. My only advice would be don't jump into anything too quickly.. take time to think about a career that would suit you, is easy to retrain in (I.e. not something that requires years of studying), and has a clear professional path and progression.
If it helps I work in property and development/ built environment. I recommend it as a sector that people often come to later, lots of different roles across construction, surveying, town planning etc and you dont have to have been doing it since you were 21 (lots do but you won't be sneered at for being a career changer in your late twenties is my point). But there will be something out there for you if that's not your bag...get googling and get inspired :)
Good luck!!!

Goodness I thought you were 50+! Late twenties is so young, career wise!
You clearly have ability. You just need opportunity now, and you have to create that for yourself sometimes.

Did you know that your costs will be covered and you’ll get a bursary if you re-train in the allied health professions? (physiotherapy, osteopathy, occupational therapy, dental nurse etc etc). Why not look into training in one of these, then work your way up career wise? The nhs is great for building a career.

Op I feel the same. I don't think the grades are the issue it's the lack of experience that's the problem and the exact reason no one ever hires me. I got CCDD in my alevels and a 2:1 at uni yet I'm stuck in minimum wage part time zero hour jobs that treat me like shit. I keep trying to get an office job with more money and better hours and never hear back I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. What is your masters in? Can you get lots of experience in the field you are interested in whilst you study to help you?

It is not over yet! Refer yourself to your local IAPT service for some counselling if you can, having somewhere to explore this will be very helpful for you. .

Oh OP

You are being so hard on yourself. You are so young! You have a master's - that's pretty good going in my book! And your A-levels are fine!

I'll tell you something - I got worse A levels than you. A degree, masters and doctorate later and I'm now "successful" in my industry.

In my mid twenties I felt just like you. I went travelling and it did me the world of good. You don't need much money. I did random jobs like fruit picking, factory work, shop assistant in New Zealand, Australia places like that. Then I got a job teaching English in Japan which earned quite well. It wasn't til late 20s I finally sat down and thought about what career I wanted and how to get there. I'm 40s now, family and good job. I like to think best things come to those who wait!

We all run our own race OP - some people bolt off fast, others take a more scenic and winding route. Try try try and enjoy the journey because when you do reach the end and feel 'successful', you'll wish you hadn't wasted all those years of pining to get there, and had enjoyed them more.

Anyway - academics and 'good jobs' are not all that anyway !! Main thing is to be happy! What do you LOVE doing? Can you do that for a career?

(I say I'm in a 'good job' and happy and successful, but if I could be young again I wouldn't go down this path - I'd have followed my heart more - maybe become an outdoor pursuits teacher, or travelled more, or worked with animals, or been a fireperson. My doctorate helped me lay to rest ideas of failure, but truly I'm not academic. I wish I'd had the guts to choose a different path and just embrace what I love and am good at. You have that chance because you are young. Really...you are much MUCH younger than you think you are!)

I say this a lot on mumsnet, but I think you could really benefit from some therapy. It feels like you're really hurting over somethings which happened at school and university, and it might help to get some of that hurt out.

In terms of your 2.2 - I also got a 2.2 and I've had a pretty high flying career. I just set myself up as freelance in my chosen career and chipped away at it until it started coming right. Obviously with medicine that would be a very bad idea / illegal, but there are work arounds. As other people have suggested, would an MA be an option? I got a place at a Russell Group to do mine with a 2.2.

All is far from lost. You can make changes. It's going to get better.

Hi OP
A 2:2 degree doesn’t mean you are stuck in a minimum wage role at all. Lots of people make their way into senior management roles through determination, people skills and a bit of luck irrelevant of whether they have average or excellent academic qualifications.

If you’ve done a degree you should be able to get temporary office work above minimum wage to give you a starting point. Appreciate I’m in outer London so it may be harder where you live but not at all impossible with your qualifications. I did a degree and had no idea what I wanted to do afterwards so started temping in different places so I could gain basic experience / some understanding of what was involved in marketing / business admin / finance admin then worked up to a management level job. I still wish I had found something I was passionate about like a science or medical based role but not all of us have that calling. If you do have a specific career in mind, see a careers counsellor and work out exactly what you need to do to get there. If not then I’d just concentrate on making small steps towards something you feel is more interesting and challenging / doesn’t make you miserable and has reasonable work colleagues and other opportunities will arrive.

More likely they are unprepared to start at the bottom

I’m surprised you don’t know that they’ve been applying for entry level jobs, as you seem to know them so well, @hamstersarse!

DS's best friend is also late twenties and got similar A levels to you. By no means a fail, they were good results but not enough to get him on the medical degree he wanted. He did bio-chemistry instead and after that went on to a medics degree. His student debt is sky high after all that training but he is now a junior doctor and loving the work. He has just left for a very well paid contract in Australia which he plans to do for three years before returning to the U.K. and the NHS with enough money saved for a house deposit.

I have so much admiration for this young man, not just because of the work he does but for his sheer determination. He has had so many setbacks but he buckles down and thinks of a way round them. He was determined to be a doctor and I am sure the fact he has not had an easy path to it will make him a better one.

This could be you too OP. Don't let the fact that things didn't work out first time knock you back forever. Think again and plan again.

I should say that I really did fail my A levels - spectacularly - 2 Fs and and a U, IIRC. I went to work in Safeway, which was good money and a great social life but hardly stretching. I drifted through many jobs and I eventually started uni at age 50 and earned an MSc with Distinction in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy.

@KurtKu

Thanks everyone and to *@SoloISland and @Anonymouseposter* my age is late twenties but I’d rather not say exactly. It might not seem that old but it’s easy to feel down when I see everyone else I went to school with and where they are compared to where I am

I will follow all your advice though and keep looking for a job

OK.

We have a saying, "Keep your eye on your own page. "
You are YOU. With all your gifts and skills and character

Stop ;looking at others ; and by the way very few folk are as happy as they want you to think they are...

Yes to a good job and good luck

What do you want to do?

Volunteering was my way into the profession I wanted. Left school with fairly crap grades and only got one A level which meant I only had one degree option and went for that. It was in the arts so not applicable to anything really other than teaching. I volunteered for absolutely years doing various things in mental health and substance use and criminal justice, often meant working seven days per week or evenings in volunteer positions. It was enough to get me into a MA social work course and from there my career took off. Went from earning £12k per year to £40k in the space of five or six years. I didn’t initially volunteer for the prospects but because I was so passionate about it. When there’s a will there’s usually a way.

Do you have kids? If not then you’re in a very fortunate position, much harder to change careers or put the hours in and volunteer with children and childcare to think about. I waited until my thirties for kids as if I’d had them in my mid twenties or earlier I wouldn’t have been able to afford them or to afford to go hell for leather pursuing my career, I was working 80hr weeks throughout most of my two year MA on top of academic work. Seriously worth it!

Maybe it's interview techniques that you need to brush up on - google STAR which is one of the main ones.

Oh, OP I could have written this. I was always very smart and I feel that I still am but I got mediocre grades for my highers and then a 2:2 at uni. I just couldn't seem to get myself organised when I had to manage my own time and workload. I'm now working as an NHS domestic and feel so bored and trapped. Having done some research I think my issue may be undiagnosed ADHD.

I'm 27 now and consistently underachieving for all of these years has really knocked my confidence and now I feel like I lack the gumption to get out there and grasp opportunities. Although a couple of years ago I met the man of my dreams and am in the kind of relationship I genuinely thought was fictional for years and that's made me realise I want more. I want us to have a good life and to build a family and not have to struggle due to my low wage. And I just generally want to be the best version of myself because my boyfriend believing in me and seeing the good in me has given me a glimmer of hope that I'm not totally useless. So I've started therapy to try and help with my confidence and self esteem and I hope that will help me.

I really feel for you OP and hope we both get the things we want from life.