to feel heartbroken about the way life turned out ;(

[KurtKu]

this is going to be a sad/self pitying post but I don’t know where else to put this

AIBU to feel heartbroken about the way my life turned out

I was always considered the “smart girl” in school, straight A’s in everything.

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

A LOT of things went wrong and ten years later I’m in a minimum wage job where I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that

Sometimes I think, “how did I get here”. I messed up my A-levels and got BBCD, I messed up my degree and got a 2:2. It wasn’t 100% my fault, the thing about A-levels, I became ill during my last year of sixth form and my illness affected me by giving me headaches and making my head feel foggy and cloudy so I couldn’t think straight. This carried on during my undergraduate where my head felt foggy until final year. I should have told my doctor about all this tbh but I chose to suffer in silence and not tell anybody. Anyway I did a masters recently to try to make up for this but I still feel terrible on the inside, almost nauseous at what my life is, especially compared to everyone else I left school with. Sometimes I just wish I could swap my life for theirs. I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become. This isn’t a joke, I honestly just feel very, very awful my life never came to look like what I thought it would look like, when I think about my age and where I am I feel a mixture of sadness that almost makes me feel nauseous at the same time. Once again, don’t come in with jokes because I am 100% not joking I just have no where else to go with this.

Think about what you enjoy doing. If you wanted to be a doctor you are probably caring and want to help others. There are many ways of doing that. Nursing, social care, veterinary nursing, charities then find out how you can get into them. Apprenticeship are good as you get paid as you learn if you go on govt website you can find them. You could do a few hours voluntary work. Helping others is enormously satisfying for yourself esteem. Don't compare yourself to others, you can't really know what their lives are like as often behind the perfect surface they may have many problems. Take care and good luck

I failed my a levels with a D and an E. I only took 2 because I found the workload so much.
I didn't go to university.
You need to stop comparing what you think you SHOULD have had and enjoy the perfectly acceptable life you DO have.

Me too.
I did better than expected in my A-Levels, AAA instead of predicted BBC and I should have had a year out but didn’t. I went to an average university and got a 2:1.
I have a post grad qualification too.
Turns out drive and ambition and luck get you a lot further. I’m in a barely above minimum wage job and have failed at everything since I left school - that’s how it feels anyway.
My friends who didn’t do as well academically - but crucially didn’t marry and have children as early - have done much better than me.

What's your degree and masters in OP?

What career are you wanting OP?

Maybe we can suggest a path that nigh work for you?

You can 100 percent turn it around

I've just graduated from a top 10 uni and I'm also minimum wage. But im not giving up. Nope.
I'm applying like it's my 9-5 so keep applying to jobs! Set your self time to apply.
Also there are charities that help women with coaching and interview skills and recruiters who do the work for you.

Why do you keep getting rejected from jobs? follow the job specification to a T when applying, don't just send round any old CV and cover letter. Tailor it. Brush up interview skills lots of YouTube videos for common questions. Ask for feedback at interviews

Do you lack confidence? You need to go out of your comfort zone to apply to jobs. You're minimum wage job might be comfortable but it's not where you want to be right? So take the steps. Don't quit your day job but don't get too comfortable. It's not where we wanna be

Don't think you're not good enough for roles, you are more than deserving of a place than anybody else who applies.

You have work experience and transferabble and soft skills from your job. You could pick up an entry admin level role? They require you to have communication and organisation skills which I'm sure you have but don't realise.

Set yourself goals, how many jobs are you going to apply to this week?

I am sure you have things other people will covet. Writing out things your grateful for each day helps.

Good luck girl I'm rooting for you. We aren't giving up!!!

@Pollythecat15

If this is how most people feel then maybe I should be thankful that my son (in his 20s) doesn't feel any of this. He is frozen as a baby and spends his days rocking and shaking a rattle having never spoken a word in his life. He isn't heartbroken at the way his life turned out (he doesn't know of the things he missed out on - independence and freedom being top of the list) but I am devastated. It just never gets any easier, this heartache. I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my chest. I've never known him any different yet I still can't deal with the fact I will go to my grave having never had a conversation with him. We only get one shot at life and he has been denied the most basic gifts the world can offer. One thing it has taught me is to never take anything for granted.

My heart goes out to you. So sorry to hear this but thank you for sharing, help put things into perspective

Comparison is the thief of joy. It doesn’t matter what your old school friends are doing, what do you want to do?

My husband and I do the same job for the same pay. I have a law degree and he left school at 15 to work with no GCSEs at all. There is more than one path to happy, fulfilling career.

What is your degree in ? Does it usually segue into a career ?

'I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that'
'I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become.'

People who do jobs 'like that' aren't losers. I hope your obvious disgust at your job isn't apparent for the poor people reliant on you.

Sorry life hasn't panned out as you'd hoped, yes have a moan it's good to vent but then try some positivity and determination.

I think that it's interesting you haven't mentioned what you want to do - just something 'good'.

You are going to need to get very focused. The past is done and there's nothing you can do about it (not that you underachieved anyway).

You need a plan of action. You might need to get some unpaid work experience or take some specific courses but you're not going to get anywhere until you decide exact where you're going.

Don't let your past define you - that's a cop out.

What's your degree in OP? What about something like this as a next step, if you r still keen on a medical route:
www.prospects.ac.uk/job-profiles/clinical-scientist-cardiac-sciences#responsibilities

I thought you were going to say late40s not late 20s you've got all the time in the world. Stop beating yourself up.

Have you got your physical and mental health sorted? That's the first step. Your self-esteem sounds shot to pieces,who told you that what you've done isn't enough? Were you a bit of a perfectionist?

Then just keep applying for jobs, you're doing just fine.

You are very young and life is full of twists and turns. Think about what you want to do and head in that direction. You have lots of time and are clearly very bright. Don't compare yourself to others - you can never imagine someone else's experience nor, of course, their future. Things change. Becoming resentful and hopeless will absolutely not help. I'm thirty years older than you and can assure you life is hard for most people.
I do agree with other posters - temping will often lead to opportunities. It did for me.

It might not actually be your grades that are the problem. Bs snd Cs at A level, especially ones gained 10 years ago, aren’t that bad and a 2:2 degree isn’t the end of the world, and you have a masters now too. Plenty of jobs paying above minimum wage will take that. What will be more important is what is your degree in, what jobs are you applying to and is your CV selling yourself? My company would absolutely take your grades, as long as you have a good science subject degree, for a grad scheme that starts on 28k.

You can turn things around.

I get it...6 years ago I was £8k in debt, had just quit my job because I was severely depressed and barely functioning any more, and for a while ended up cleaning out dog kennels for minimum wage. And I have an Oxbridge degree (so don't think that's some golden ticket to a perfect life). I seriously thought there was a good chance I'd never even earn enough to buy a house.

Now I have my own business, am extremely good at what I do and get to pick and choose my clients, earn well above average, no debts except mortgage, am owner of a growing company, own my own house and bought it exclusively with money I earned myself, and while things are by no means perfect, I have everything I used to wish I could have 6 years ago and more.

There was no magic path I took, it's been hard work and frequently terrifying and stressful (and I rarely take sick days or indeed holidays without working) but I'm very grateful to be where I am now because I remember vividly what it was like 6 years ago.

One of the most helpful things you can do right now is stop spending so much time thinking of all the ways you think you messed up, and comparing yourself to other people. It's not helpful.

Daily journalling and being very focussed on your goals and celebrating even small wins is genuinely helpful and will help shift your mindset over time. If you can listen to YouTube videos or podcasts on the power of mindset and how to shift your thoughts, I also found that very helpful. Energy flows where focus goes as they say, and it's true so your focus has to be on what you want to create, not all the ways you think you messed up or missed out.

Good luck, I believe in you. And have a virtual hug :)

I agree with others - you're talking as though your life is over and you have no power to influence it now.

You have a degree, so you are eligible for a fair few graduate schemes, even with a 2:2. There are big name employers such as EY and KPMG who will accept graduates with a 2:2. Civil service careers could also be an option, plus many more I'm sure. Decide what you want to do, and go do it. You are so young and you still have your life ahead of you.

Alot of successful people don't have great academic qualifications let alone degrees

When you are at school I think it's drummed into you that if you get good grades you will get a good job and be successful at life. It all seems simple and straightforward - the criteria for success in life is academic grades.

This very much is not reality. Getting a good job depends on so many other things. Your mental and physical health. How much support you have from others - financial and emotional support.
Your personality. Whether you had good mentors. Your family social connections. And a good dollop of luck.

Your thinking OP seems quite black and white - either you have a minimum wage job that you don't like or a high flying job that you do like. Maybe you equate one with success and the other with failure. There are a lot more possibilities than this - the minimum wage job that you love or the mid level job that gives great work/life balance etc etc

You can definitely change job/career and there are many options out there.

Some counselling might help you to accept your current situation, appreciate what has led to it and make some changes for the future. You are not a failure and you have most of your life in front of you.

Keep going op. I retrained at a later stage than you and it worked out for me. It’s not too late I promise!

If your a carer, consider social work, nursing, mental health nursing etc sometimes doing a these qualifications waives the second degree funding rule. Alternatively push for managerial training in the sector you’re in. God knows the care sector desperately needs more competent and hardworking management (imo)

I understand the bit about feeling like a loser- I did too. I felt like I’d frittered away all my potential, but your doing a much more essential job than I ever was (despite its lack of status- which is completely unfair)

If you suggest careers you might be interested in we might be able to help

Op I'm sorry to hear you feel like this.
I want to give you some advice. This whole situation is nothing to do with you Alevels or degree. This is all about you.

U say it's not entirely your fault,the results you got. It is. You are fully accountable for your own results. Every single person in this world has things that went wrong on test days or life changing events that haunted them through school or uni.
There are people fighting cancer that are sitting exams while also being a single parent trying to raise their family and worrying about their future.
There are people attending uni who may have just lost the love of their life and are coping with bereavement and grief, which is all consuming.
There are so many in situations that could be better. I'm not saying all this to minimise your illness, I just want you to leave go of that resentment that you weren't at your peak health back then.
So accept that you are the only
One responsible for your grades and move on.
This is why grading systems are not entirely fair but that's the system so leave it there. You did not fuck up, not even slightly.
Make peace with that and stop trying to blame your lack of motivation on things that happed years ago.
It seems very obvious from your post that you are depressed. There are therapies yes and this may help but I would appeal to you to visit your doctor,ask for a script for an SSRI such as sertraline. After a few weeks,the fog lifts and your negative thoughts will lessen more and more.
Once you can see and think clearly again, the works is yours,especially a girl so driven that you know you haven't reached your potentials turn this around to be exciting for you. My twenties were shit. My thirties so much more amazing because I matured and I found myself. This is your turn now OP. Get help, it's nothing that can't be fixed xx

@Happyfeet1972

The civil service fast stream opened today... a lot of the schemes accept a 2.2. Might be worth a look

This looks really good... but I'm 50 and have been a teacher/lecturer for 30 years. Would it be a waste of time applying? I'd love to retrain in HR but I fear I'd be too old.

What field are you trying to get into? Relevant targeted paid or unpaid experience and being able to link that experience to your desired role is the most important thing. 2:2 is fine for most careers

I just read a book called The Midnight Library that you might relate to. It’s about a woman who had musical talent and a nice family and boyfriend but she ended up 35 and alone, estranged from her family and working a dead end job. She has enormous regrets and sees no way to change her life but some things happen that show her things are not always what they seem. I won’t say more than that as I don’t want to spoil it but it sounds just like your situation. It’s not exactly Shakespeare but it’s an easy read and I think it would give you some food for thought.

OP you might just need to work on your CV and interview skills. There are some great resources online.

I second what a pp said about temping. I did this for many years and it was invaluable in building skills, confidence, putting a cv together. If you know your way around a computer even to a basic level, it's a great way in to all kinds of companies and industries. I can type fast so always got good postings, but these days with all the tech and apps I think that's not so important.