to feel heartbroken about the way life turned out ;(

[KurtKu]

this is going to be a sad/self pitying post but I don’t know where else to put this

AIBU to feel heartbroken about the way my life turned out

I was always considered the “smart girl” in school, straight A’s in everything.

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

A LOT of things went wrong and ten years later I’m in a minimum wage job where I spend my days wiping poo and doing other jobs like that

Sometimes I think, “how did I get here”. I messed up my A-levels and got BBCD, I messed up my degree and got a 2:2. It wasn’t 100% my fault, the thing about A-levels, I became ill during my last year of sixth form and my illness affected me by giving me headaches and making my head feel foggy and cloudy so I couldn’t think straight. This carried on during my undergraduate where my head felt foggy until final year. I should have told my doctor about all this tbh but I chose to suffer in silence and not tell anybody. Anyway I did a masters recently to try to make up for this but I still feel terrible on the inside, almost nauseous at what my life is, especially compared to everyone else I left school with. Sometimes I just wish I could swap my life for theirs. I feel like a loser and embarrassed about who I am and what I’ve become. This isn’t a joke, I honestly just feel very, very awful my life never came to look like what I thought it would look like, when I think about my age and where I am I feel a mixture of sadness that almost makes me feel nauseous at the same time. Once again, don’t come in with jokes because I am 100% not joking I just have no where else to go with this.

[ellyeth]

I don't believe a person's perceived worth or success should be seen in terms of their academic performance. I went to a secondary modern, got 2 GCEs and, later in life at night class 1 A Level. I had a fairly ordinary job all my working life.

I don't see that as failure but I do think it was a mistake to spend all my working life doing a job that I disliked. At the time I felt I could not give up a secure and relatively well paid job but I realise now that it was unwise to continue doing something which I did not enjoy at all.

You, on the other hand, have achieved what I would consider to be a fairly good academic standard. Relying on gaining an MA to boost your self-confidence and sense of self worth was quite unrealistic.

You appear to be doing a low paid caring job, which is most certainly a job which is under valued and which is, no doubt, quite tiring and stressful. Would now be the time to seek a change of career because, whilst this work is admirable and important, it appears you have no specific desire to do it? With your qualifications I am sure you could seek out something else, even if it means starting something new at a relatively junior level.

It sounds like you are depressed. Although your work is arduous, do you have time to meet up with friends, go for walks, pursue hobbies, etc. Perhaps you need to think more in terms of your life as a whole rather than just in terms of your job and your qualifications.

I am sorry you feel so sad. I hope some of the comments on here will be of help to you and that you will soon be feeling more positive.

[FinallyDecided]

At 30 I was in a minimum wage job with no direction. I went back to uni and pursued my dream job. I am now in my early 40s and never been happy. You have time OP. Use it. Don't waste time looking back. Look forward and start planning. Step by little step you'll get there.

[FinallyDecided]

Never been happIER that should read

[Choux]

Could you tell us what your degree and masters were in? Are you still dreaming of doing something medical or have your ambitions/ dreams changed?

There are a huge number of well connected / well placed to advise Mumsnetters. If you were interested in my field I would definitely offer some cv advice, ideas about getting into the field and where to job hunt.

Use us as unpaid job coaches!

[KurtKu]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all your comments, suggestions and advice. I will try getting volunteering and having a more positive attitude.

[Gizlotsmum]

You are being very hard on yourself. It’s often said comparison is the thief of joy and it’s true. What do you want to be doing? What jobs are you applying for? Do you have supportive friends and family? Do you have transferable skills?

[BlackIsQueen]

I know how you feel op but you have to, HAVE to stop comparing yourself to other people, nothing good will come of it apart from making you feel exactly as you are - like shit. It is a hard habit to break but you will feel so much better about yourself if you do.
What do you want to do? You are quite young still and it may not feel like it but you can change everything.

[DamnUserName21]

OP, you can still change your life.
Me:single parent at 29, on benefits, did a degree at 34 and now I have a well-pad career.
Turn things around.

[DamnUserName21]

*well-paid:)

[ILoveJamaica]

Oh goodness, you are SO young and have all the time in the world to turn things around. It isn't just you either - my son got a Masters in Engineering and sat on job seekers allowance for a whole year, even though he was applying for several jobs a week. The climate is awful.

Life is LONG. You are comparing yourself to friends, but in 5 years from now, the scales could easily be in your favour. I'm 51 now, and over the years have been doing way better than others and at other times far worse. That's just life. I'll give you an example. 15 years ago, I had it all and my sister had nothing. I had a husband, two children, the big house, lots of money, foreign holidays, new cars, bla bla bla. My sister had no partner and lived in a tiny house in a rough part of town in a job she hated. My marriage ended (my choice - he cheated), and financially I was fucked for a few years. She is now married with 2 kids, a massive house, no mortgage and is filthy rich. Thankfully, I built myself back up and I now have a lovely house again, an amazing 2nd DH and my kids are now adults and doing great. But financially she has way more than me, and it used to be the other way around. That said, my DH is set to come into some major money in about 10 years time, and then we will have more.

I think you need to change your job in the first instance. Get a career you can work upwards from. Start dating if that's what you want. Make a list of things you don't like about your life and set about changing those. You are so very young!

[Alcemeg]

I'm not going to vote either way as you're not being reasonable or unreasonable. I completely understand how you feel and I've been there too... but honestly, it's early days for you! I did menial badly paid jobs for donkey's years, before suddenly finding my niche in my mid 40s. Now I really like my work and am well paid.

The trouble with further education is that we can get all wrapped up in things that don't have much practical/vocational use. Treat your working life as an endless opportunity to figure out what you're good at out in the real world, and then work out how to make it pay. Once you have this sussed, don't be afraid to go self-employed. Good luck!

[HarrisonStickle]

Hi OP

I'm much older than you and can relate to your post. It's not so easy for some of us to just get a grip and sort ourselves out, especially when there've been health issues.

You're in a rut and have identified that. You've also got a BA and MA so you're not starting from ground zero. Your life now is very much not the end, although it feels like it.

You've had the motivation to look into an MA, apply for one, and to complete it. Think about that motivation because it's what you need to move onto the next goal.

I've got a tendency to drift, and need goals to keep me going. Maybe you're the same? The thing with imagining what your life will be like at x point in the future is that you have to think about the specifics of how to get there.

Why not spend some time dreaming about where you want to be at age 35. Then honing in on some of the aspects of those dreams. Then set two or three goals that are focused on actually achieving them.

[StinkingCold]

Oh OP! I've just remembered that my best mate and world's loveliest person, also got a 2.2 after switching uni's following a tricky period in her life.

She is now 40s and a Consultant Counselling Psychologist. She was lovely in her 20s when she was felling a failure and lost and disappointed with life and herself, and she's lovely now but also happy and feeling successful.

By the way - while I'm talking about success here as academic or high flying jobs - please remember that success is actually not about that. It's about being happy and content with life. Find your passion and pursue that, whatever it is... (If it really is medicine, there is always the graduate medicine option? Or other routes into similar industries)

[MyCatDribbles]

I got EEE at A level, then a third class degree. Then did a vocational degree and got a 2:1. Went up through the ranks in my career and now earn very well.
Don’t let your disappointment with your A level results keep you back in life.

[CrimeJunkie01]

I left school with no A levels and was in prison at the age of 25. I started a degree at 26, which took 6 years (part time) and I got a 2:1. I can honestly say that no job I have ever applied for has asked what classification my degree is. I am now in a very well paid job that I have worked hard to get to through the ranks.

What I am saying is that it is never too late to turn things around, and also, you are worrying about stuff that doesn't matter.

If I were you, id take an entry level job in something you really want to do and work to get promoted etc.

[Beancounter1]

I thought I was going to grow up and become a doctor or go to Oxford or Cambridge or a university like that … get married to another man similar to what I’d imagined I’d be like, that’s what I thought my life would be like.

This may be the root of the problem. You expected. You imagined it would all just happen. You have something of a sense of entitlement - with future husband as well as career.

It is a rare and lucky person who finds that life just happens to give them what they expect and want. Things just don't turn out that way for most people.

Perhaps you need to swallow your pride and get some humility. Perhaps you need to develop a sense of gratitude and give up the envy. Perhaps you need to develop optimism and cheerfulness. Without knowing you personally, we can't pinpoint what is your issue.

Then take a long hard look at yourself: what you actually want to do, what are you good at? If self-reflection does not come easily and you don't know yourself well enough, ask close friends and family what are your strengths and what sort of job they could see you doing in 20 years time?

Then accept it takes about 15-20 years to build up a career. But you have about 40 years of working life ahead of you before you retire, so there is plenty of time.

[sadie9]

The thing is you can have all the degrees in the world but zero relevant experience. A part of you is fixated on academic achievements but then another part of you may be fearful of actual workplaces, meeting people or whatever.
My advice is regardless of what degree you have, do a course in Microsoft Office or some general office 'adminstration skills' course that has a work placement attached to it. That will give you the confidence you need to then move on from that job.
You need a bridge into the workplace.

[MrsScrubbithatescleaning]

You're read too many fairytales and swallowed the whole 'they lived happily ever after' bullshit posted on social media. Seriously, who really cares what other people are doing??

Most of us go through life in an up and down, side to side trajectory. It's rarely a perfect linear path to success and happiness.

You were obviously told you were bright and to aim for medicine and Oxbridge as if that's the key to a perfect life, but you don't seem to have considered if that's what you really wanted or any other back-up options.

I left school at 15 as I absolutely hated it and eventually studied for a law degree in my early 30's. I didn't meet DH until late 30's. Had other relationships but they didn't last the distance. Lots of things have gone wrong including losing both my parents when I was quite young, but you just need to brush yourself down and get on with it.

I've no recommendations for you other than to suggest you might benefit from reading a few autobiographies from a variety of people who weren't 'successful' until much later in life. Also, imagine if JK Rowling had decided to give up after the first rejection letter?

You are incredibly young with many years ahead of you and plenty of opportunities if you'd only open your mind to them.

[Pollythecat15]

If this is how most people feel then maybe I should be thankful that my son (in his 20s) doesn't feel any of this.
He is frozen as a baby and spends his days rocking and shaking a rattle having never spoken a word in his life.
He isn't heartbroken at the way his life turned out (he doesn't know of the things he missed out on - independence and freedom being top of the list) but I am devastated. It just never gets any easier, this heartache. I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my chest.
I've never known him any different yet I still can't deal with the fact I will go to my grave having never had a conversation with him.
We only get one shot at life and he has been denied the most basic gifts the world can offer. One thing it has taught me is to never take anything for granted.

[FireworkParrot]

When I left University I got a shock that in the real world, having very good A level results and a First class degree (which is what I had) didn't automatically translate into getting a job. I ended up getting a temp job in an office, showed them that I had a brain and worked hard and I worked my way up from there. That first temp job gave me the relevant experience on my CV to move to a better paying job and I've climbed the career ladder reasonably well since I left University (am mid 30s now.) If I were you I'd go temping, get your face known and show employers you are bright and a hard worker and go from there.

[ramarama]

Also OP - at the grand old age of 44 I can say with confidence that those who appear to be most successful in their late 20s are not usually those who are the happiest 10-15 years later.

I am currently working in my third industry over 25 years of employment. You just need to get your foot in the door of whatever job you are keen on. You have plenty of time if you get started now.

Maybe add in some therapy to deal with your disappointment with yourself to date, to stop it holding you back any further.

[EvilPea]

I hear you. It consumes a lot of my day thinking about it, I can’t see a solution that’s workable though.

But that’s me not you

You did four a levels - that’s for the clever kids!!
You did do well at them.

Ok so your not where you wanted to be or planned to be. Do you still want to be a doctor?

[Paq]

What kind of job are you looking for? TBH I've been recruiting recently and we're finding it very difficult to even attract candidates.

[Happyfeet1972]

The civil service fast stream opened today... a lot of the schemes accept a 2.2. Might be worth a look

[Cazziebo]

I didn't start my career until I was in my 40s! I had a series of crap jobs I hated, single parent trapped in a house in negative equity, with childcare costs eating all my earnings.

I've been very lucky. I took on a temp job which led to something which led to something else. I'm not particularly smart or skilled or talented. I like people, I work hard and I do what I say I'll do. For the past 10 years I've run my own business and I honestly don't think I could feel happier or more fulfilled. I'm financially comfortable, have a lovely family and I'm healthy.

My one regret is that I didn't wake up to life earlier and start doing things for me.