Third wheel and a guest in their house

[Kleppy10]

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

Actually, if you are paying all the food bills for 4 people, as well as half of the the other bills, that could be more than the mortgage, depending on where you live. The courts could still consider that you were actually contributing to the mortgage indirectly by paying for all the food. From the link I posted:

...the court will look at the conduct between you, including contributions made to the house. These contributions need not necessarily be direct contributions to the purchase or mortgage, but should be more than what is ordinary in a cohabitation situation. So, if you have solely paid all the household bills it could be argued this is above and beyond what is expected of an ordinary cohabitee.

Whether it would be worth the cost of going to court is another matter...

@FunkyFacts

Isn't it hypocritical to complain about his DD being a freeloader when neither you nor your son are paying any mortgage or rent yourselves?

She's paying half of everything else though and doing all house work ..

FFS OP you're a MUG 🙄

OP were you better off financially before moving in? Is your son left with any disposable income? Do you want to move out and if so can you afford it?

If I were in your shoes I would check with my employer if they offer a loan for a rental deposit (many offer this benefit). Otherwise, could you negotiate a lower contribution for food, etc with your DP? Failing those options, find a second part time job and save up?

Perhaps we don't understand the full story but it seems as though you and your son are in a very vulnerable and toxic situation. Might be worth seeking legal advice in case the shit hits the fan

You really need to get out of this situation, it must be soul destroying to do so much for people who treat you and your son like this.

Can you contact Step Change to see if you can reduce the debt payments if your expenses go up? Look into flats to rent, even if you get a 1 bed and your DS has the bedroom and you sleep in the living room? It has to be better than tolerating this living situation and at least you would have more control over the bills etc.

Can you look into getting on the council housing list with your DS? I know that's a long shot but you never know - in my area they are building new housing developments and 50% have to be council housing (to rent) so a few people I know (who have full time jobs) have got one.

She's paying half of everything else though and doing all house work..

And paying for ALL the food!

OP, would you be better off living with son on your wage? You may be entitled to benefits? What is the debt you have? If it's a lot have you thought of bankruptcy?

@pelosi

She's paying half of everything else though and doing all house work..

And paying for ALL the food!

OP, would you be better off living with son on your wage? You may be entitled to benefits? What is the debt you have? If it's a lot have you thought of bankruptcy?

If she declares bankrupcy it can stop her from renting a property/getting a job/ other things. My friend chose not to for these reasons

@Cocomarine

Her student loan and how she chooses to spend it are nothing to do with you, and especially nothing to do with your debt. That does just scream jealousy.

It’s your fault that you’re doing all the housework. WHY?
And it’s your fault for agreeing a contribution to household finances that sends you overdrawn.

I’ve voted YABU because I think her behaviour isn’t the issue here - your choices are.

She could be a clean living hate working girl whom you barely knew was there. You’d still be doing all the housework and you’d still be overdrawn because those are your choices.

Agreed. OP, you’re blaming your own choices and your boyfriend’s exploitation of you, on his DD. I’d work on moving out and see whether you even want to try to salvage a relationship where someone who is supposed to love you has been happy to treat you as an unpaid skivvy and exploit you financially.

Nobody knows whether the financial contribution is fair or not. We don’t know what their relative incomes are - and you’ll get differing opinions on whether his maintenance payment and her debt payments should be considered part of disposable income or not.

We don’t know whether - even with the food - OP is still saving money vs living separately. Hard to believe that she isn’t, but possible depending on things like being careful in a small well insulated flat vs leaving the windows open in a rambling Victorian pile. But OP has ignored questions about whether she has more or less outgoings now, and why she agreed a contribution that she can’t afford.

What we do know, is whatever else you think of the daughter, the daughter can spend her money however she likes. That’s nothing to do with the OP.

It must be horrible for you.
If you can move out, I absolutely would. You and your son are being treated terribly.
Surely you would be happier and more secure in your own home without all the nonsense this relationship is bringing you

Move out

@Cocomarine

Her student loan and how she chooses to spend it are nothing to do with you, and especially nothing to do with your debt. That does just scream jealousy.

It’s your fault that you’re doing all the housework. WHY?
And it’s your fault for agreeing a contribution to household finances that sends you overdrawn.

I’ve voted YABU because I think her behaviour isn’t the issue here - your choices are.

She could be a clean living hate working girl whom you barely knew was there. You’d still be doing all the housework and you’d still be overdrawn because those are your choices.

Wise words from this PP ^^

The sitting in your bedroom whilst you return from shower and want to get changed and into is weird as that's your privacy. Your DP should knock that on the head and tell his DD to go back to her room then.

He's really enjoying the free housekeeper isn't he, as how are you getting into debt when you weren't getting into debt before renting? Have you lost benefits moving in with him? Your bills should be way less than before ! Not more as 4 live far cheaper than 2 in one property.

No great harmony in your home, which doesn't seem like a home for you, so too many issues to deal with. The longer it goes on, the more resentful you will feel. If everything is stacked against you, regarding The daughter and your partner, then it's not a good place to be living in.

In your own words OP we are all adults with responsibilities and should show respect to others

which would happen in a perfect world, only it isn't happening for you and it doesn't look as though it ever will. The DD is unlikely to leave any time soon as she has a good life where she is. I know that after working full time it will seem tiring to try to get a few extra hours somewhere else, but maybe you could find time at the weekend? It is a good way to build up a deposit for a rental and spend time away from your BF and his DD rather than cleaning up their mess for them. Like everyone else on this thread, I'm advising you to leave as you do have a huge BF problem and no, he isn't going to change or ever consider your needs. On top of that he is rude to you and downright nasty to your DS. You need to wake up to this and make your own plans that don't include him. I'd cook for DS and grab yourself something while leaving the house to go to 2nd job. He is an adult and is capable of getting his own food and cleaning his own place and has told you that you are a guest.

Good luck with this.

OP can you help us to understand your current financial situation?

You say you work full time, pay no rent/mortgage, contribute to half the household bills and most of the food. I know you also have debts to pay off, but even so, how are you going overdrawn every month on a full time wage?
Is there some aspect to this that I haven't understood?

Why are you even there? Neither your boyfriend nor his daughter have any respect for you at all and the way they treat your son is horrible. Time to move on and leave these vile people to each other.

It just sounds like in principle you agreed that 50/50 on bills was fair, and you covering food too was also fair as you no longer have rent to pay. Then a year later, maybe the bills are more than you realised, and you didn’t allow for maintenance and CB stopping, so it’s no longer so affordable for you.

In the meantime, you’ve discovered that you can’t stand his daughter - for both fair and unfair reasons - and he’s siding with her on all things.

Move out and get a space for you and your ds that is your own

OP you can't blame his daughter. She is living in a way that is fine with him. She is his daughter not an independent adult in the house.

He is the problem.

He is not respecting you/your wants and needs/or what is 'fair' ... and does seem to be taking advantage of your limited funds and your labour.

You said you were in an abusive relationship before; this sounds like another one.

Ah I missed the last few pages

You are contributing to the mortgage if you're paying more than your fair share of the bills. You should be paying half and half, perhaps buying some extra food as your son eats more - but I bet your DP eats more than you anyway!

What she contributes if BF pays his half that covers here is neither here nor there but she sounds messy and lazy to live with if you're having to clear up after her but your DS clears up after himself or contributes to chores.

It very much sounds like you're paying for the privilege of being a housekeeper
Hopefully she'll leave home soon but the attitude of your DP stinks and that's unlikely to change. You'll never have security in your housing if you stay with him. And how he speaks about and to your DS who has Autism is shocking.

Are you sure you can't get a flat with your son elsewhere or go onto housing list? Surely your son would qualify for some help with rent etc or is more likely to get a full maintenance loan for ongoing studies if you aren't living as a couple with your DP with your two incomes ?

Do you love your DP and see a long term future with him? Or is the best life you feel you can get at the moment as living alone seems too scary financially?

By bills I meant paying for food is included in bills! If you pay for all the food (which could be £400-600 a month for 4 adults) then that may more than cover the mortgage!

Your marriage was awful, and frankly, it sounds like this new relationship is crap, too.

Your bf doesn't sound very supportive or... "worth it". It's unlikely to get much better. Eventually his daughter will move out (probably!!), but she'll always be his daughter, and he'll always be the man who treated you this way.

Honestly, I'd have moved out when her and your bf told you that you are a guest in their house. Fuck that.

Stop doing anything for them and find somewhere else to live. I'd also dump the bf.

@Kleppy10

It frustrates me too because my son is high functioning, extremely intelligent but has severe social anxiety so doesn’t like to mix. He likes to keep himself to himself which is normal for someone with his condition. He lost a few years at school but is catching up and is hopefully going to Uni next year. My bf just doesn’t understand this and they treat him like the village idiot at times. If I’m not there I doubt if anyone would talk to him other than at mealtimes because they are not on the same “level” in you get what I mean.My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’ (he has a 15 year old boy who doesn’t live with us) and why can’t my son be like them, socialise like they do. I just want to scream “because he’s f*ing autistic!!!l”

You know everything you write just makes my ovaries shrivel up. You have been alone before, just do it again. It's not like you'd be any worse off, still skint maybe, but lose 14 stone of knobhead. Unless his dick is massive and gold plated what do you get out of this?

I do everything around the house and work full time.

The bills are split in half. I pay for the food also. I do this because I don’t contribute to the mortgage for obvious reasons

And you get called a "guest"... He really saw you coming. You are being scammed.

I don't see any issue with his DD sitting on her DF's bed, don't get bogged down in whether her behaviour is appropriate or not. Consider whether you are fixating on her because you don't want to think about the larger problems in your relationship.

I do see an issue with your BF and his DD treating your DS like "the village idiot". You should not allow anyone to mistreat him. Start looking around for other housing. Stop doing all the housework. You're a guest so just clean up after yourself (and your DS if necessary).

My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’ (he has a 15 year old boy who doesn’t live with us) and why can’t my son be like them, socialise like they do. I just want to scream “because he’s f*ing autistic!!!l”

Explain it then. Every time. Till it gets to the point that he keeps his shitty ignorant comments to himself because he knows he will get another lecture on neurodiversity. Or just do yourself and your DS a favour and tell him to fuck off.