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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third wheel and a guest in their house

256 replies

Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:14

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2021 13:19

You been had op-he asked you to move in to be his housekeeper and pay some of his outgoings

is it inproportion to your wages or do you pay half of everything

and if youre a guest well guests dont do housework and cooking all day every day

beastlyslumber · 23/09/2021 13:20

YABU to stay there where your son is being bullied and you are being treated with contempt.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2021 13:21

So many things wrong with this.
If you live there you are not a guest. It's your home.
Are you contributing to the bills in proportion to your earnings? If not then that's not fair in this situation.
It's disgusting the way they are treating your son. They are both the same age and studying and it's both their home so should have the same expectations around what they contribute in terms of money and housekeeping.
These are all things that yohr boyfriend seems to be responsible for.

I can see how the rest is annoying eg feeling like a third wheel, her behaviour etc but I think thats all secondary to how your bf is treating you and your son unfairly. Yes it's annoying if she has a party without telling you but that's all down to your boyfriend not putting down any rules.

I think I'd speak to your bf about reorganizing finances and treating your children the same, do whatever you can olton sort your finances as quickly as possible and then make plans to leave

sloutside · 23/09/2021 13:22

The bills are split in half. I pay for the food also. I do this because I don’t contribute to the mortgage for obvious reasons, his daughter rarely eats at home and my son eats a lot of different food/drinks etc because of his autism

Totally unfair arrangement. You are paying half the bills and paying for all of the food for 4 people. Are you paying some kind of "rent" too?
I can understand not contributing to the mortgage but what it effectively means is that your boyfriend is saving absolutely loads of money not having to pay for food and getting a contribution to the bills and he is then able to save this or plough it into the mortgage. And meanwhile you are not able to save anything for your own financial security.

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 13:24

You must get out of there, Kleppy, without delay.

Look at 2 bed flats.

Good luck.

Blindstupid · 23/09/2021 13:25

OP your son is being bullied and abused by them - why do you allow this? You’re also financially abusing him.

Please OP, leave and make a better life for you and your son. Yous both deserve so much more.

astoundedgoat · 23/09/2021 13:28

He's awful and of COURSE he wanted you to move in. Free housekeeper and cook for him and his daughter.

The only thing you can do is move out. You don't have to break up with him, but you might want to give it some serious thought. What exactly do you get out of dating this man and his daughter?

But your son deserves more than being trained to see himself as unwanted and second best.

Get your little kingdom back, and plan from there.

AuntMargo · 23/09/2021 13:29

What a nightmare - I no way could live like this, you need to move out and end this relationship. She is daddy's girl and clearly a spoilt brat

Spiindoctor · 23/09/2021 13:32

You aren't young OP but you certainly aren't old - OMG you could start a much happier life by getting away from them and be in a completely different place by the time DS heads off to uni.
All the work and cleaning etc that you ahve taken on for no reward.

I couldn't put up wiht any of that.

StormTreader · 23/09/2021 13:36

You are being taken for a ride - she's treating you like the maid because your BF is treating you like the maid.
You're paying a fortune to feed and clean a house where you're the maid and your son is the idiot son of the maid, it's almost victorian.

andtheweedonkey · 23/09/2021 13:36

I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house

BEHAVE LIKE A GUEST.
stop doing their housework, stop paying for their food, look for somewhere for you and your DS to live.

They're treating you like a domestic servant at best and a paying slave at worst.

LitCrit · 23/09/2021 13:37

@Kleppy10

It frustrates me too because my son is high functioning, extremely intelligent but has severe social anxiety so doesn’t like to mix. He likes to keep himself to himself which is normal for someone with his condition. He lost a few years at school but is catching up and is hopefully going to Uni next year. My bf just doesn’t understand this and they treat him like the village idiot at times. If I’m not there I doubt if anyone would talk to him other than at mealtimes because they are not on the same “level” in you get what I mean.My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’ (he has a 15 year old boy who doesn’t live with us) and why can’t my son be like them, socialise like they do. I just want to scream “because he’s f*ing autistic!!!l”
This doesn't sound like a kind or healthy place for your son, or for you - you are a housekeeper and presumably sex-provider with no rights at all, treated with contempt by the real family. They barely tolerate your son and your OH is abusive and actively disabled. 'Why can't he be normal' - jesus.
LitCrit · 23/09/2021 13:38

disablist not disabled

QueenBee52 · 23/09/2021 13:44

Jesus christ almighty woman..

get your Son and get the hell out of this ridiculous situation.. which benefits neither you nor your Son ... WATF

Hugoslavia · 23/09/2021 13:45

I really don't understand why it is any of your business how she spends her grant or student loan. She's also 20, so why shouldn't she bring home friends in the early hours on occasion. I don't think that it's right of you to make up a name for her either. Tbh, you seem a bit threatened by their closeness. This is not going to end well so I would move out.

User112 · 23/09/2021 13:48

Be their guest! Stop doing housework !!

Its best you move out. Looks like your BF doesn't value you either. Why do you do all the housework and not him?

Also, how are you so tight with you are saving rent money?

Winter2020 · 23/09/2021 13:50

Hi OP,
If your partner does not want you to contribute to the mortgage I still think he should pay half the food and household items. Otherwise you are contributing to the mortgage by buying all the food without help - paying his half of that in lieu of the mortgage.

It’s his house. All the equity is his and he doesn’t want you to make a claim on it so he wants to pay it himself. Why should that affect how you buy food. Depending on the size of the mortgage and the way you shop the groceries could also be larger than the mortgage.

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 13:51

@Hugoslavia

I really don't understand why it is any of your business how she spends her grant or student loan. She's also 20, so why shouldn't she bring home friends in the early hours on occasion. I don't think that it's right of you to make up a name for her either. Tbh, you seem a bit threatened by their closeness. This is not going to end well so I would move out.
If it was on occasion at a weekend there wouldn’t be an issue.it is frequently on a week night, and men we don’t know or even that they are in the house until they come out of her room. The friends wake us up or she texts to say they are there which wakes us up and we have to be up at 6 to go to work. We can’t lie in bed for the rest of the day 😏
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 13:53

That’s absolutely fair that he doesn’t want you to contribute to his mortgage. It’s not being bitter, it’s being sensible. If it were your house and he were moving in, we’d all be telling you not to have a joint mortgage.

What’s not fair is if you’re picking up the equivalent of mortgage by paying for his family’s food. But are you? Are you paying ALL the food? Even if yes, you’ve said his daughter doesn’t eat in and your son had expensive food. So, how much are you actually spending compared to his mortgage spend?

Surely half of bills (not mortgage) plus food for 1.5 adults (him and eating out daughter) is LESS than you were paying out to live previously? I don’t understand why you’re going into your overdraft for this.

In some ways, it’s a moot point - we all said you should move out anyway, and that was before you shared what he says about your son!!! Why did you move in with a man like that?

Where it’s not a moot point, is you really need to understand why you agreed to what you did on the finances. I’m still not convinced that it was unfair - sounds more like a fair proposal initially but you forgot to account for your maintenance stopping this year, and for some reason haven’t raised that with your boyfriend. Most likely because you know he’s an arsehole.

Hortibunda · 23/09/2021 13:53

@Hugoslavia

I really don't understand why it is any of your business how she spends her grant or student loan. She's also 20, so why shouldn't she bring home friends in the early hours on occasion. I don't think that it's right of you to make up a name for her either. Tbh, you seem a bit threatened by their closeness. This is not going to end well so I would move out.
Of course it's ok if a 20 year old wants to bring friends home occasionally (ideally checking if ok with others in house are getting up early for work the next day. ) It gets to be an unfair situation if daughter does no cleaning up at all, creates lots of mess, and expects op to skivvy so that she and her friends can benefit.
user1471538283 · 23/09/2021 13:54

From now on I would find another job to top up my income, only pay half of the bills and half of the food (preferably just buy the food for you and your son) and squirrel money away like mad. Only do the bits of housework that benefit you and your son. If he wants a guest he's got one.

You need to leave. Find the smallest and cheapest place you can. This may end with him asking you to leave anyway because maybe all this is a ploy to get you to go of your own accord.

Hortibunda · 23/09/2021 13:55

Xposts with op.

Generallystruggling · 23/09/2021 13:56

Start house hunting and move out ASAP.

Redwinestillfine · 23/09/2021 13:56

Lots of people have advised you to move out. The daughter isn't the problem. Your bf is. Move out - you'll be no worse off and probably a lot happier and he can start cleaning his own house...

FunkyFacts · 23/09/2021 13:57

Isn't it hypocritical to complain about his DD being a freeloader when neither you nor your son are paying any mortgage or rent yourselves?