Third wheel and a guest in their house

[Kleppy10]

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

Run away!!!

You need to move out.

@Kleppy10

When I was paying rent I also got child maintenance and child tax credit, this stopped when my son turned 20. My bf washes up and cooks occasionally but does work long hours and Saturdays. My son does chores and offers to do more but I don’t think it’s fair that he should do more than she does. It’s the principle. His daughter doesn’t pay board

Right, so you’ve been there a year. Did you agree your financial contribution to this household based on your previous income?

If so, did you have any conversation with your boyfriend about an entirely predictable income change coming up when you first moved in?

Have you done so now?

Has something else changed to stop your share being affordable - or fair?

You should move out because it’s not working.

But whether his daughter pays board is NONE of your business. And alongside your complaints about her spending of HER money does just smack of jealousy.

I’m not sure that you are being treated unfairly financially as you’re reticent to explain the finance decisions.

But it doesn’t matter anyway - you’re not compatible.

But it’s not her fault that she has a student loan to spend unwisely and you don’t. And it’s not her fault that her dad moved in a woman who wants her to clean up more than her dad did, and not have her friends round partying, the way her dad did. I have young adults stepchildren and they would probably have started playing silly territory pissing games with me, had I moved in and tried to force MY way of living in THEIR home. It’s childish, yes. But how would you feel if your dad moved someone in who then complained about your friends coming round when your dad didn’t mind? I blame him more than her.

There’s a reason my husband and I waited til they were older 🙈

He's got a good setup here with you being a housekeeper and general servant for him and his daughter. Far from this being a paid bit of employment, he makes you pay for the privilege of being his bitch. You get spoken to like shit as well. You are overdrawn. I would try to rent something for you and your ds, perhaps something as small as you can manage with. Could anyone lend or give you any money (are your parents alive?) to get you on your feet?

Just imagine you and your son in a cosy 2-bed flat, well-insulated, low heating bills, doesn't need much cleaning, doesn't get very messy. Cook what you like between you. See your BF some nights, if you like.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

Your boyfriend is an arsehole for allowing her to act this way and not considering you , get rid

The problem is with him more than her - she is being an arse, but at her age that may be due to immaturity. What is his excuse? Why stay with a partner who treats you like this?

@Djifunrsn although I agree with most of your post, there’s nothing in OP’s posts to say that he expects her to be his housemaid. We only know that he works long hours, does the washing up, and cooks occasionally. We don’t know what housework she does, whether he expects it of her, or even cares about it. If she’s doing all the laundry for example then yes, he benefits. But if she’s cleaning to her standard and he doesn’t care - then she is not “his bitch”. This sounds like massively different lifestyles that weren’t tested with a trial run 🙈

Move out.

OP whose idea was it to move in?

Your poor son.

Get out of there and get a little flat for the two of you, OP.

Your bf sounds like an arsehole.

I feel so angry for you op. Please move out as soon as you can.

YANBU It's so hurtful and if she can bring men home, why would she move out. Perhaps your son feels unhappy too

Op I am wondering why you were so badly in debt after your divorce? I know divorce is hard on everyone financially but I am trying to work out if you have made a series of poor financial decisions in the past or you have become used to people treating you badly and you are recovering from an abusive relationship? And you went in to this current relationship without any self confidence or good boundary setting and cannot recognise poor treatment?

If the latter why not try and get some support help from women's aid or citizens advice. I know they are over-run ATM but even if you get an appointment in six to eight weeks time it still might be helpful.

Oh god move out!

He should pay for him and her, you for you and your son. Her level of income doesn’t mean you need you and your son subsidised. Don’t do stuff for her and ensure he pulls his weight.

He’s told you to leave if you don’t like it. So do so.

@pinkyredrose

OP whose idea was it to move in?

His idea

Move out. She wins, but so do you - get far away from her !

Stop acting like the housemaid if you are a guest. They can't have it both ways. In the meantime, look for somewhere else for you and your son. This situation can't get better the battle lines have been drawn and you can't undraw them

Sounds utterly miserable and it’s not going to improve. Move out, back to rented.

If your other half doesn't see that this is an issue, and it's vexing you, then maybe it's time to move on. You don't need this stress in your life, to be frank. To an extent, it is his business whether she pays rent or not, but not if her behaviour is as unacceptable as it seems.

I’m sorry op but it’s also his idea for you to move out. It’s fine for you not to like their relationship. It’s not fine for you to make yo childish abusive names for his child. It’s not ok for you to stay when you’ve been told to go if you don’t like it.

Just make yout plans and go as asked.

No surprise there, he’s got you doing everything around the house and paying for the privilege too.

Move out, he’s an arse and has brought up his wee princess the same way.

So you do everything around the house, and you contribute to bills he’d have to pay whether you were there or not. And presumably he gets a shag too.
No wonder he moved you in !

Can you be a cocklodger in your own house? It seems like he's just about there.

OP this relationship has no future. His DD is marking her territory and making it clear that you will never have first place with her father. And as he's on the same page as her, that's the way it will be forever. Get out as soon as you can, even if that means a grotty rental for a couple of years. Scrape up what remnants of your self esteem are left after the way they treat you and leave.

@Hortibunda

Op I am wondering why you were so badly in debt after your divorce? I know divorce is hard on everyone financially but I am trying to work out if you have made a series of poor financial decisions in the past or you have become used to people treating you badly and you are recovering from an abusive relationship? And you went in to this current relationship without any self confidence or good boundary setting and cannot recognise poor treatment?

If the latter why not try and get some support help from women's aid or citizens advice. I know they are over-run ATM but even if you get an appointment in six to eight weeks time it still might be helpful.

My ex was abusive yes, financially and mentally, narcissistic. I do recognise abuse so that’s probably why I can see what this is and my bf can’t. I stayed with my ex because I knew I would end up with considerable debt but left for my sons sake in the end.