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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third wheel and a guest in their house

256 replies

Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:14

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

OP posts:
Lou2284 · 23/09/2021 09:38

Move out OP, for the sake of your own happiness. It looks like his daughter rules her Dad, and therefore the house

Viviennemary · 23/09/2021 09:43

If you are not happy with the arrangement you need to get your own place. It's his house. But you are getting a raw deal here I'd say. I wouldn't be anybody's servant.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 23/09/2021 09:46

Move out. This will ruin any relationship you have with him.

Rainbowsew · 23/09/2021 09:48

You need to leave! Even though that'll be exactly what she wants. You need to gain some self respect rather than bankrupting yourself and turning in to Cinderella looking after the house, think of your son.

QueenoftheKarens · 23/09/2021 09:51

If your not going to leave are you at least going to stop doing housework? When they ask you do something just reply "but why? I thought it was your home, I'm just a guest like my son is." Grin
Dish back the sass. Wink

VictoriaBun · 23/09/2021 09:52

I'd be getting myself and son out asap . What happened to all your furniture etc ?

zafferana · 23/09/2021 09:54

You need to move out OP. Were you going overdrawn each month when you and your DS had your own place? Personally, I can't imagine why you'd want to stay in a toxic environment where you yourself admit that you're a guest, where you aren't wanted by one of the occupants of the house, and where the man you're in a relationship with won't stand up for you. Stop being such a doormat FGS!

Hortibunda · 23/09/2021 09:54

Do you work op? Are you able financially to move out?

sunshinesupermum · 23/09/2021 09:56

Move out.

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:57

I got rid of it all apart from beds etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:58

I work full time but paying back debt from my divorce still. It would be very tight.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 23/09/2021 10:01

Guests don't clean the house.
This man is using you as a free housekeeper. I hope he's giving you really great sex because that's the only thing you're getting from the arrangement.

Flakjacketon · 23/09/2021 10:02

You are not a guest you are a house keeper. Your partner and his DD have told you exactly where you stand I.e. nowhere .

I would move out for my own MH and dignity.

FabulouslyFab · 23/09/2021 10:03

@GladAllOver

Guests don't clean the house. This man is using you as a free housekeeper. I hope he's giving you really great sex because that's the only thing you're getting from the arrangement.
Totally agree with this!! 😂
nettie434 · 23/09/2021 10:05

@Kleppy10

I work full time but paying back debt from my divorce still. It would be very tight.
If you are going overdrawn each month with your contribution for food and bills and you feel like a third wheel, then there is really nothing positive about staying there. Could you contact Stepchange about help paying off your divorce debts?
Iwonder08 · 23/09/2021 10:07

Are you that desperate, OP? You are treated like shit, explicitly told you have no say.. What do they need to do for you to finally decide to move out?

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 10:08

Thank you Nettie. I have a DMP with Stepchange . Only 2 years left to go 🙂

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 23/09/2021 10:10

I do hope you get away from this man. Does he know you are overdrawn every month? Is he paying you to clean?

FreedomFaith · 23/09/2021 10:11

My kids all lie in bed with me when they're back from uni so nothing odd in that.

You might think it's normal, most people would not. A young child sure, but not an adult. And to lie there looking at old wedding pictures of her mum and dad is just really odd, she really couldn't be saying to op anymore that she is not wanted there. The daughter may as well pee all over the furniture to mark her territory with the way she is acting.

Just move out op, it will never get better. I'd suggest dumping him too, this relationship won't ever progress.

sloutside · 23/09/2021 10:14

I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree

I would leave.
You are not a guest in their house. You are supposed to be your boyfriend's partner.
They've made it perfectly clear - either you put up with everything they do because that's the way it is or you fuck off.
I know what I would choose.

Start making plans to move. You and your son deserve better than this.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 23/09/2021 10:15

You have to move out. They're not going to change. You're a convenience to them, probably halved his bills and do all the housework. Fuck that.

TheWoleb · 23/09/2021 10:16

Moving in with him has improved his financial situation but is putting you further into debt.

He's also got someone to do the housework now. And he's working on getting a second slave (your son) so that he and his daughter can live the high life they want all wrapped up in each other.

Your poor son has no money of his own because your boyfriend is demanding you pay more than you can afford.

This should have been discussed beforehand.

You need to move out and end the relationship.

comfortablyfrumpy · 23/09/2021 10:16

Guests don't do the housework.
Honestly, as everyone else has said, get out of there.
It sounds an awful situation for you and your son to be in.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/09/2021 10:17

Cannot fathom how anyone would choose to live like this...and be treated like the maid Confused

FFSFFSFFS · 23/09/2021 10:18

Why do you expect her to do housework but not him?

Honestly he’s using you as a housekeeper and you’re using him because it would be financially tight on your own. Awful.