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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Third wheel and a guest in their house

256 replies

Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:14

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

OP posts:

AgathaX · 23/09/2021 14:57

He doesn't appear to like or approve of your son, and certainly doesn't understand his particular needs.

He treats you like an au pair - there to provide for him in various ways, but no invitation to be his 'proper' partner.

His daughter doesn't appear to like you. She certainly doesn't treat you with any kind of respect or see you as her Dad's partner/equal.

You don't appear to be happy there. I assume your son isn't particularly happy there either.

Why are you staying?

mumwon · 23/09/2021 15:00

your not his gf your his house keeper
op this isn't going to get better & if anything happens to him she will kick you out
I don't think your ds is benefiting from this in any way & he should be able to keep at least some of his benefit for his own personal use

talesofginza · 23/09/2021 15:04

They sound like arseholes, I would leave them to it and move out.

Billybagpuss · 23/09/2021 15:21

The bottom line is they referred to you as a guest, that infers it is temporary therefore you must eventually leave as it’s not your home.

This means you don’t feel as if you belong. The best thing for your well-being and that of your ds is to find somewhere that you feel safe that is yours. It sounds like financially it will be tight, but better that and you find somewhere where you can feel happy and safe. It doesn’t necessarily mean LTB but from what you’ve said I’m not sure what positives he is bringing to your life at the moment anyway.

Good luck whatever you decide 💐

bakingdemon · 23/09/2021 15:25

Did you have a conversation when you moved in about house rules? Like who does what chores, who stays over and who contributes what to household expenses.
Clearly it's not working for you at the moment. You can't be a guest in your own home. You can't have SD treating your room as if it's her own. If they're not willing to change then you need to move out.

Coconuttts · 23/09/2021 15:39

My Good God, just move out. Life's too short to put up with that shit.

aloris · 23/09/2021 15:41

Money is fungible. If you are paying half the total expenses then it doesn't matter that you don't call one of them "rent" so that you don't gain any ownership of your boyfriend's house. It's not your concern what his daughter uses her income for, but as an equal occupant of the house, he or she should be paying her costs. You should not be subsidizing her food or rent. That is her father's job.

Likewise, if you are doing most of the cleaning in "return" for "free rent" but you are ALSO paying more of the bills in "return" for "free rent," then are you really benefitting from this arrangement? Or is it just a financial sleight of hand to get free housekeeping and free food from you?

Maybe you should start charging him for housekeeping and cooking.

Going by your posts, both he and his daughter don't seem very nice to you or your son. Can you live more cheaply if you live somewhere else? Going into your overdraft is unsustainable and the situation for your son seems stressful given the way they treat him.

cuppycakey · 23/09/2021 15:44

Seriously - why are you still there?

Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2021 15:49

I would leave, I probably wouldn’t have moved in to begin with. I have 2 older teens with autism and I don’t think I could move them into anyone else’s house and expect them to fit in. It’s the main reason I stay single.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/09/2021 16:00

Leave them to it and move out.

Also his DD has behaved and spoken badly to you, but she's behaving like a young student and nothing she's done so far really raises any eyebrows with me. How he speaks about your DS though is appalling.

GladAllOver · 23/09/2021 16:02

They are taking the piss in a big way. They abuse you to your face and I'll bet they have a good laugh about you behind your back.

Stop paying bills for them and get out as soon as you can.

prettypinkflamingo · 23/09/2021 16:04

"I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree."
You have a BF problem ...he sounds like a dick. He should be on your side but he's not. How the daughter behaves is irrelevant.
And while he is treating you as a housekeeper, he's also bullying your son.
Get out OP. What an arsehole he is.

Eddielzzard · 23/09/2021 16:25

The whole thing sounds utterly miserable. Is this really what you want for the next 3 / 6 / 9 months / years?

Bythemillpond · 23/09/2021 16:45

If you are a guest then why are you paying for anything or doing anything?

If that is ever mentioned again then I would stop doing and paying for anything.

If the Dd spends all her grant on socialising and clothes then that is no concern of yours as long as your bf isn’t expecting you to pick up the tab

Re the mortgage and your bf not wanting you to pay it. What happens when the mortgage is paid off? Will you be still paying for the food shopping. There is no end date for that.

This set up is never going to end well because you and your bf will never be full partners his partner is his Dd

The fact that he won’t say anything to his Dd over her bullying tactics towards both you and your Ds makes me think he doesn’t see a problem

If you stay and anything happens to your partner then you and your Ds will be homeless in a heartbeat

If anything happens to you then your Ds will be the one to be made homeless.
Do you think that your bf and his Dd will look after him when they are both abusive towards him.
I would have packed my bags the first time that happened.

Personally I would move out.
Make a note of your income and outgoings and whether getting even a very tiny, very cheap 1 bed place initially (sofa bed for you in the living room) would make it feasible to pay off your debts quicker and get you back on your feet.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 23/09/2021 16:49

I’m failing to see what benefits you are receiving in this relationship. It appears all one sided. I don’t usually say this but I’d LTB

Knowivedonewrong · 23/09/2021 17:01

Just leave! Why on earth would you put up with this?
Sounds like the relationship is going nowhere.
Have some dignity and move on. Don't be such a mug!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/09/2021 17:36

A good guest appreciates the godforsaken they are given and a good host makes their guest comfortable, it's a two - way street. That's not what this is. They are just saying to your face it is your home, you don't belong there and your needs are irrelevant. Added to that they don't understand or care about who your ds is which is hardly going to be pleasant for him to live with.
Is there any way you can get out?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/09/2021 17:37

Godforsaken!!! Well freudian slip there auto correct but I was actually typing 'hospitality' !

2bazookas · 23/09/2021 17:47

If BF can't see how or why his DD is intruding IN YOUR BED, then the relationship with him is never going to work. This will never be your home or your son's; move out.

DroopyClematis · 23/09/2021 17:49

You're being taken for a ride, you're not on an equal footing with your boyfriend and his darling daughter.
They are horrible to your son.
You have no money.

Surely you can see that this arrangement needs to end?

Your boyfriend doesn't appear to love you or your son.
The way they treat your son cannot possibly help him with his social anxiety. He will be picking up these hostile messages which will be chipping away at him.
You should be protecting him from this vileness.

You need to end this madness now, not keep moaning about what you see is wrong.

Act now to protect your sanity and your son's mental well-being.

Stop prevaricating.

ThreeLittleDots · 23/09/2021 17:55

This reads a bit like Cinderella! You need to move out...

QueenBee52 · 23/09/2021 18:08

this CANNOT be real... nobody is this... naive 😱

chaosrabbitland · 23/09/2021 18:08

well in your shoes i would do what she said and indeed fuck off taking my son with me , sounds a horrible living situation . for whatever reason she resents your relationship with her dad and it sounds like she gets great pleasure doing everything she can to interfere and screw it up .
your partner sounds weak and obviously thinks her behaviour is fine ,

honestly i couldnt be bothered to fight for this , you wont win he will just side with her everytime , id cut my losses and walk away , leave the pair of them to it , i shouldnt think he will be meeting anyone else in a hurry either with her living there

QueenBee52 · 23/09/2021 18:17

@chaosrabbitland

well in your shoes i would do what she said and indeed fuck off taking my son with me , sounds a horrible living situation . for whatever reason she resents your relationship with her dad and it sounds like she gets great pleasure doing everything she can to interfere and screw it up . your partner sounds weak and obviously thinks her behaviour is fine ,

I agree... this is not living 🌸

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/09/2021 18:22

You need to move out OP. I'd ditch the BF too.

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