Third wheel and a guest in their house

[Kleppy10]

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

If my partner told me I was a guest in my own home, I’d be moving out. It’s not going to improve. Cut your losses and get out.

His daughter doesn’t pay board

Are the bills etc then split four ways with boyfriend paying half and you paying half (a quarter each for you and your son)?
Or is it split three ways because his daughter doesn't contribute anything, 1/3 you, 1/3 him and 1/3 your son - so you are effectively paying 2/3 of everything.

If it's split half and half then it's not really your business that the daughter doesn't pay - if your boyfriend chooses to pay her contribution rather than insisting on her paying this, then that's his business,

However, the whole situation is just awful. I don't know why you would put up with this. I wouldn't want to live in a stinky shit tip either and I'd be furious that I was having to clean up after 2 adults who didn't give a fuck. But then, as I said earlier in the thread, I'd be out of there like a shot.
Work out the finances and how much you can afford and get out and rent your own place so you can live in a clean, restful environment more suitable for both you and your son.
And don't tell boyfriend until everything is sorted with a place for you to live.

Get out of there! You and your son cannot reasonably live under these circumstances.

In future do not move in with any boyfriend or partner without clear groundrules. This particular boyfriend is clearly only suitable for dating, fun, possibly sex if you want to, but not to live with.

Guests don't do the vast majority of household tasks; they tidy up after themselves, don't make a mess and do their own washing. Your partner can't have it both ways.

Move out, this isn't going to work (YANBU)

It frustrates me too because my son is high functioning, extremely intelligent but has severe social anxiety so doesn’t like to mix. He likes to keep himself to himself which is normal for someone with his condition. He lost a few years at school but is catching up and is hopefully going to Uni next year.
My bf just doesn’t understand this and they treat him like the village idiot at times. If I’m not there I doubt if anyone would talk to him other than at mealtimes because they are not on the same “level” in you get what I mean.My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’ (he has a 15 year old boy who doesn’t live with us) and why can’t my son be like them, socialise like they do. I just want to scream “because he’s f*ing autistic!!!l”

Bottom line, is it financially benefitial for you to live together? If not I would move out again and rent with your son. If you struggle on your salary you will be entitled to some housing benefit.

As a single parent it would take a lot for me to cohabit again. If you're getting annoyed at his daughter, amount of housework and the financial side is not working, surely the best thing would be to live apart and enjoy each other's company in other ways. Nothing you have said has indicated any benefits here.

My ex was abusive yes, financially and mentally, narcissistic. I do recognise abuse so that’s probably why I can see what this is and my bf can’t.
I stayed with my ex because I knew I would end up with considerable debt but left for my sons sake in the end.

I'm sorry to hear this op. Please make that first step and get some support. I am not going to say it will automatically be easier in every way with you and your son living alone but you may feel stronger mentally if you have
independence. Have you lived by yourself before (with your son)? Does your son get any support with his autism other than financial help?

Could you think about moving out before Christmas?

@Kleppy10

It frustrates me too because my son is high functioning, extremely intelligent but has severe social anxiety so doesn’t like to mix. He likes to keep himself to himself which is normal for someone with his condition. He lost a few years at school but is catching up and is hopefully going to Uni next year. My bf just doesn’t understand this and they treat him like the village idiot at times. If I’m not there I doubt if anyone would talk to him other than at mealtimes because they are not on the same “level” in you get what I mean.My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’ (he has a 15 year old boy who doesn’t live with us) and why can’t my son be like them, socialise like they do. I just want to scream “because he’s f*ing autistic!!!l”

WHY ARE YOU LIVING THERE

Seriously, why?? They treat your son like the village idiot and you just shrug and do all their housekeeping?

There is not a single good thing about any of this, I don't understand why you are still there

@sloutside

His daughter doesn’t pay board

Are the bills etc then split four ways with boyfriend paying half and you paying half (a quarter each for you and your son)?
Or is it split three ways because his daughter doesn't contribute anything, 1/3 you, 1/3 him and 1/3 your son - so you are effectively paying 2/3 of everything.

If it's split half and half then it's not really your business that the daughter doesn't pay - if your boyfriend chooses to pay her contribution rather than insisting on her paying this, then that's his business,

However, the whole situation is just awful. I don't know why you would put up with this. I wouldn't want to live in a stinky shit tip either and I'd be furious that I was having to clean up after 2 adults who didn't give a fuck. But then, as I said earlier in the thread, I'd be out of there like a shot.
Work out the finances and how much you can afford and get out and rent your own place so you can live in a clean, restful environment more suitable for both you and your son.
And don't tell boyfriend until everything is sorted with a place for you to live.

The bills are split in half. I pay for the food also. I do this because I don’t contribute to the mortgage for obvious reasons, his daughter rarely eats at home and my son eats a lot of different food/drinks etc because of his autism.

I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

Are you paying money towards his mortgage? If you are, you're not a "guest" in his house. It also means that you might be entitled to a share in the property, even if you are not on the mortgage/deeds.

www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

Chores should be split between everyone equally so everyone has the same amount of free time, whether they spend that time out partying or in their room.

The maximum maintenance loan is nearly £8k for students living at home with their parents but she would only be entitled to that if your household income is under £25k. If she gets £7.5k, that corresponds to a household income of about £30k. Is that correct? You can check what she is entitled to here:
www.gov.uk/student-finance-calculator

Are you sure she hasn't fraudulently claimed that she lives away from home or left your income off the application to get more money?

Mostly, I agree with the suggestions to leave but, if this really is his only fault, surely Princess Klingon will be graduating and leaving home soon?

I lived by myself for 7 years. My son doesn’t get any help but I am trying to get him some treatment privately, however it is very expensive. Adult mental health services are practically none existent

Sounds like there's bitterness and unfairness on both sides . You've had some good advice . I'd also suggest moving out, doesn't sound like any of you are having a nicer life living all together.

My bf just doesn’t understand this and they treat him like the village idiot at times. If I’m not there I doubt if anyone would talk to him other than at mealtimes because they are not on the same “level” in you get what I mean.My bf says over and over again his kids are “normal’

Fucking hell OP that is quite the drip-feed.

Gobsmacked that you chose to lead with your dislike of b/f's DD rather than his treatment of your DS.

How can you stay under the same roof of a man who has this dreadful attitude toward your son? FFS get an evening job, get saving, & get out. If you can't do it for you, do it for your son.

@chesirecat99

I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

Are you paying money towards his mortgage? If you are, you're not a "guest" in his house. It also means that you might be entitled to a share in the property, even if you are not on the mortgage/deeds.

www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

Chores should be split between everyone equally so everyone has the same amount of free time, whether they spend that time out partying or in their room.

The maximum maintenance loan is nearly £8k for students living at home with their parents but she would only be entitled to that if your household income is under £25k. If she gets £7.5k, that corresponds to a household income of about £30k. Is that correct? You can check what she is entitled to here:
www.gov.uk/student-finance-calculator

Are you sure she hasn't fraudulently claimed that she lives away from home or left your income off the application to get more money?

Mostly, I agree with the suggestions to leave but, if this really is his only fault, surely Princess Klingon will be graduating and leaving home soon?

I don’t pay towards the mortgage, he made sure of that. Still bitter about “giving” his other house to his ex lol. The income is correct on paper. Bf is self employed.

Things are not going to change to suit your needs. At the moment, you pay half the bill but nothing towards housing, so you are better off living with them. Unfortunately, you not paying towards housing means that indeed, you are treated as if it's not your house. You have a go at his daughter for not paying anything but you and your son are not paying any rent either, so it seems a bit double standard.

You are gaining financially from the move, now that you've lost maintenance and tax credits but you are not getting the home you want. You are indeed a guest. You need to decide which is more important.

Cross-posted. If you aren't contributing to the mortgage, how are the bills and food so high that you are going overdrawn on a full time salary?

If she is only getting the maintenance loan for students living at home, it's less because you are expected to support her by providing somewhere for her to live. She should be contributing to food bills though. Your DS should contribute for food too, as he is an adult.

@Kleppy10

I lived by myself for 7 years. My son doesn’t get any help but I am trying to get him some treatment privately, however it is very expensive. Adult mental health services are practically none existent

That sounds really hard op

Oh Op, he's fucking awful to and about your son, his ignorance is painful. Please leave and live in peace. You can still date him if you want but moving in with a neanderthal man with zero parenting skills and minus levels of emotional intelligence - oof. You can't win and your son loses most of all. You can be a fully functioning family of two, my love. There is no shame in not living with some geezer.

You should move put just because of his horrific attitude to your son.

You did need to sort out your finances. Given you're not contributing to the mortgage and only paying half of bills and food, that shouldn't be causing you to go overdrawn. How were you previously paying your rent if you're struggling so much now?

I don't understand why you're still there, and don't seem to be considering moving out. Really, there's no other advice anyone can give you. You're being abused again and so is your son.

I don’t pay towards the mortgage, he made sure of that. Still bitter about “giving” his other house to his ex lol.

Well, there is your problem, he doesn't see you as an equal or partner. He could have protected himself financially with cohabitation agreement.

The income is correct on paper. Bf is self employed.

How is he fiddling that? You have to provide your tax return to slc. Dividends are counted as income for student finance, so that "trick" won't work. Or is he committing tax fraud as well? Taking cash in hand? Or just leaving money in the business to reduce his income legal but using you to subsidise his lifestyle?

I wonder if being a lodger is as secure from an accommodation rights pov as being a tenant. 🤔 Because you are essentially a lodger.

I feel you are putting too much focus on the daughter. Your issues begin and end with your relationship with your partner.

I can see why her behaviour irks you, but you are in a relationship with him not her. You should seek discussion and resolution on your needs and comfort in this this environment with him. It is then down to him to communicate with her about what is acceptable to you all in this family dynamic.

If he isn't willing to do that then I think its pretty clear where you stand and you then make a decision on your future based on that.

Why don't you scream at them about their bullying of you son?! Why don't you stick up for him?

Household food bills are MASSIVE. Add up your annual expenditure. That's not a small contribution. You and son would save A LOT, if not subsidising your BF and his dd.

What bills are split in half? Council tax that he'd be paying in full anyway? Heating that he'd be paying in full anyway? Internet that he'd be paying in full anyway? What extra do you and your son actually use - a little bit of electricity and water, most likely.

If you're paying half the full bills for a substantial house, you could easily afford all the bills for a small flat by yourself. Mightn't you also quality for some benefits / tax credits?

The only extra thing you'd be paying for by yourself is rent. The money saved in feeding your spongers, plus any benefits, might well cover that.

Your BF has the mindset that he's doing you a favour by allowing you to live rent free. You're his little kept housemaid. In fact, he's sponging off you.

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