Third wheel and a guest in their house

[Kleppy10]

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

I do everything around the house and work full time.

& instead of wondering why your b/f isn't stepping up & doing his half of everything around the house, you are projecting the issue onto his daughter?

I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree.

Believe them.
And choose not to accept it.

This is a dysfunctional dynamic. You are playing Cinderella to your b/f & his DD's Ugly Sisters. They even want your son (Buttons?) to pitch in with the domestic chores they ignore but expect you manage solo.

Move out.
You can still have a relationship with your b/f if you feel you can stomach it, now you know he's got some poisonous attitudes & is a crap parent & b/f ...

The disability benefit belongs to your son.
However, it’s perfectly acceptable to expect a board contribution from an adult child, so it’s fine for him to pay that to you from his benefits. It wouldn’t be morally right for you to take it from him if you didn’t need it and he did. But in principle, bills need to be paid.

That’s none of your boyfriend’s business though? Who made him God?

@Blindstupid

How old is your son?

Apologies if your username is the reason you didn’t see it 😉 but it’s in the OP - he’s 20.

The Government decides why the disability money is allocated to your son, what it is granted for. Not you or your BF. It's your son's money. (If your son wanted to spend it on something other than what it was granted for, that would be up to him).

The main thing about bills is that you should only be covering your and your son's costs. Not your BFs dd's. If he is paying for those, that's his choice, none of your business.

Move out. And move on from this relationship

Leave him to his daughter

Ah sorry .. I see he’s 20. Then his money is entirely his money! Despite what you or your boyfriend think … it is your sons money. What you choose to charge him for board etc is up to you, but he shouldn’t have to fund you and your lifestyle/how you live, which is what this sounds like.

Eveyone should pay basic costs to
Household that’s what benefits are for. I’d be shocked that all his benefits only cover food and his share of the bills. sounds like BF is making a very decent profit from you moving in.

So what fraction of the household costs are you paying @Kleppy10 and is that more or less than your previous household costs?

coco … yes I re-read and saw it 😉😆

Jesus, what a weird set up. Move out now! He sounds like a duck! Guest in his house? 😱

When I was paying rent I also got child maintenance and child tax credit, this stopped when my son turned 20.
My bf washes up and cooks occasionally but does work long hours and Saturdays.
My son does chores and offers to do more but I don’t think it’s fair that he should do more than she does. It’s the principle.
His daughter doesn’t pay board

@QueenoftheKarens

Move out, for your sanity and his.

Your not a guest, they asked you to move in therefore it's yours and your sons home too! Guest is when someone is visiting and that relationship between the dad and the daughter doesn't sound right... 20 years old and she's lying in bed with her dad?

and that relationship between the dad and the daughter doesn't sound right... confused 20 years old and she's lying in bed with her dad?

I doubt there is anything more sinister going on, although who knows ...
But it's certainly a deliberate & staged dominance display. Why else would the b/f or DD have got the wedding photo album out?

It's all staged to humiliate & undermine OP, as is the leaving of all the chores to her & calling her a 'guest' i.e. person with no autonomy within the household.
The b/f is either weak, or a total wanker. Or probably both.

@Blindstupid 🤣 - and totally agree with your post!

If she’s not contributing and you want her to, then you and your bf need to draw up a plan by which she does some chores and pays a set amount each month.
If your bf struggles to agree then he’s your problem.
I would say, that from experience, maybe you began on a bad foot by giving off a negative vibe through frustration, which is understandable - but the daughter will read is as being stand-offish.
However the fault here lies with you and your bf not originally recognising before you moved in that you would be becoming a 4 adult household and therefore some sort of plan/agreement should have been outlined and discussed whereby everyone does their bit.

Ask yourself op does the resentment run deeper though whereby you just want your own space with your bf? Because if this is the case no amount of financial contribution or chores will ultimately keep your frustration at bay. It was clear to me my dad wanted me out by 16. Not normal but what he imposed. I contributed to rent and helped clean at times but he gave off such a negative energy I realised he just didn’t want me there.

If this is really what’s going on (and you are within your rights because really, who wants to move their relationship on with two adult children, one of whom was clear boundary issues) - then the only fair option is to either move both children out or for yourself and bf to move somewhere fresh whereby daughter and son live elsewhere separately. They’re old enough to put on their big boy/girl pants now.

Dick not duck 😂

Please get out OP. Both of them are trusting you and your son like crap

Sounds like you have the same amount of money but more housework and a shitier home life. He has more money, less housework and the same home life.

Move out, they're treating you like shit.

m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

If you're already in debt (a PP mentioned a DMP) then why on earth are you getting yourself into more debt (an overdraft is debt!)?
How much does your boyfriend expect you to contribute, and how much does he contribute? It sounds like this is much more expensive for you than renting was, so really... what do you get out of it? It doesn't sound like it has any benefit to you. If I were in that position I would leave.

I think yabu because this arrangement suits you financially, and you have been sticking with an untenable situation because of this.

Clearly it’s not working out and you need to move your ds out of this uncomfortable situation.

Incidentally, have you read Other People’s Children by Joanna Trollope? The dd sounds very similar!

My dc are now all out of education and I have therefore just lost a considerable sum of benefits - benefits that I now need to make up. In no way would I expect my children to hand over all their work or disability money just because I’ve lost all benefits due to them leaving education. I have 1 who gets disability money - that is theirs, not mine. Others work, their earnings are theirs, not mine. I am now looking for work as that is my responsibility, it’s up to me to cover any losses. My children all have to contribute with board, but they also have to live their own life and save up for their own places.

Your son should be keeping his own money. It is his benefit, awarded to him because he is disabled.

That aside, please re-evaluate what you want from life and relationships. The situation you describe is awful.

So how would the pair of them survive if you weren't there? Live off microwave meals in a dirty house? Ok then. That's their choice. What did they do before you moved in?

You seem to feel you need to fill a 'housewife / mother' shaped gap in the household that you perceive as an important gap, but they do not.

Either they moved you in to skivvy for them, or they don't actually care about domesticity. So stop doing a job that no-one's asked you to do. Just do what you want / need to do for yourself and your son, share as many meals as you want to with your BF reciprocally and leave the rest to them, to choose to do, or not. You need to butt out of their preferred slovenly lifestyle and stop trying to organise them.

You're martyring yourself, then wailing about it (as martyrs do).

If his disability is preventing him from working then he will be receiving a few different payments which a lot of disabled people use to live independently.
There is absolutely no way that you can be taking all of his money plus your full time salary and still be overdrawn every month.

Your debts are your debts. They are not for your son to pay for. You need to set a fair amount that he needs to pay to your for dig money, but the rest is his. Not yours. Your debts are your problem to sort out. If you need to get a second job then get a second job.

If you've moved in with your partner , you shouldn't be treated like a guest by him. Sorry. He is not treating you like a partner, to him and his daughter you are their unpaid domestic worker. If you tell him that things will need to change or you will move out he/she will probably tell you to move out or accuse you of trying to ruin their relationship. I somehow don't see this working out. I think you and your ds should move out.

@Kleppy10

What I am saying is I don’t think it’s fair that she can spend thousands and thousands of pounds on having fun and buying expensive clothes when everyone else in the house has to pay their way. That is NOT unreasonable.

I clean the house because no one else will and I don’t want to live in a stinky shit tip. Yes, that is my decision but we are all adults with responsibilities and should show respect to others.

For crying out loud Kleppy when are you going to realise that the DD is a total red herring?

Or work out that you are going overdrawn to buy food, but your b/f is enjoying all the benefits of your various household contributions ... but he's not the one being worried & overdrawn?

This is NOT a DD problem, it is a b/f problem.

He is totally disrespectful, & you'd be better off ditching the hours of housework etc you put in, using those hours to get some casual evening work, saving every penny of it for a deposit & leaving this man to find another skivvy to treat with contempt.

I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house

That would be me done & looking to move - I hope you kept your key money op