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AIBU?

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Original poster

Third wheel and a guest in their house

256 replies

Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:14

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/09/2021 10:19

So he has acquired a housekeeper who pays for the privilege of doing the housework! You need to move out - if you are a guest why are you paying half the bills? Think about it - you have the costs but none of the security - if you and he had a big fight tomorrow you and your son could be homeless.
You need to be as selfish as he is.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 23/09/2021 10:24

Life’s too short for this nonsense.
She has abandonment issues which haven’t been addressed.
As pp have said, MOVE OUT. you can’t live your entire life ‘being a guest’. This is not a good situation for you or your son.

Bombaloorina · 23/09/2021 10:25

Mumsnet is a window into another world.

Do you really need advice about this…?

vivainsomnia · 23/09/2021 10:25

Sounds like the move to his wasn't well planned at all. He wanted the company, you saw it as a saving, not paying rent any longer.

I think neither he nor you consider what adjustment it would mean for your children. She had a well established lifestyle which her dad considered perfectly acceptable. You come in and expect her to change it to suit you. You can see why it was inevitably going to cause conflict.

You should have taken the time to consider what the move entailed for all, include her and your DS in the discussion, set clear rules and boundaries, agreed on your financial contribution so that it became as much your home, and define chores and who would do what.

As it is, resentment has taken over and it might indeed be too late to take it back. That of be patient, bid your time and hope that she moves out soon.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 10:27

You're a "guest"'with no rights?

Move out. They're both treating you with utter contempt.

SamMil · 23/09/2021 10:27

Definitely move out.

It's not for you to tell someone else's daughter how to behave, what to spend money on etc. However, you also don't have to live with it if it is making your son and you unhappy.

I would save whatever you need for a rental deposit and then move out.

Anordinarymum · 23/09/2021 10:28

@Bombaloorina

Mumsnet is a window into another world.

Do you really need advice about this…?

I say thank goodness for mumsnet. I wish I had known about it before because if I had, I know I would be in a different position to the one I am in now.
Blossomtoes · 23/09/2021 10:30

@Kleppy10

We gave true income figures, not sure why she would get so much. She doesn’t need it
She’s going to have to repay it so it’s a moot point whether or not she needs it. Just move out, you’re on a hiding to nothing.
Shewholovedthethebanhills · 23/09/2021 10:35

Sounds like he moved you in as a housekeeper with benefits and is making you pay for the privilege of servicing his domestic needs. This is so messed up. You deserve better (I know I don’t know you but no woman deserves this).

FinallyHere · 23/09/2021 10:36

You are going into overdraft to pay your half of the bills, work f/t and do everything around the house.

This is not a great deal for you, is it?

Wouldn't moving out be much better for you? Would there be any down sides?

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 23/09/2021 10:37

Also stop paying until you have enough saved to leave. Call it payment for the housekeeping services you’ve been providing.

RestingPandaFace · 23/09/2021 10:37

If you’ve had enough and just want out I completely understand, but if you think something can be salvaged from this you need some very clear boundaries.

A conversation with your partner when neither child is around to set out that
a) he invited you to move in, you are not a guest and saying so is making you feel unwelcome. You two adults have an equal say in what happens and kids are consulted but don’t make decisions.
b) you and your partner need to agree a way of splitting the bills so that you have some disposable income. He has made savings from moving in together and you haven’t.
c) your bedroom is your (as a couple) private space within the home and his daughter needs to respect that. She isn’t to use the room and is NOT to bring the wedding pictures in - that’s just our and out disrespectful. If they want to cuddle they go in the daughters room.

  1. Chores need to be shared equally between the 4 people that live there.

If he can’t agree to those basic things it’s just not going to work.

WhatMattersMost · 23/09/2021 10:38

Move out.

Outbutnotoutout · 23/09/2021 10:42

Stop cleaning, cooking, doing the washing

Guests don't do that

Pay 2/4 of the bills

Or just move out you would be much happier, he is using you as a skivvy

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/09/2021 10:44

You need to move out.

Hortibunda · 23/09/2021 10:44

Op I think this is going to be very difficult if you are paying back debt etc but could you do some temporary extra work like ironing or supermarket work or pub work or anything to earn a deposit so that you and your DS can leave? It would have the advantage that you would be out of the house a lot. Or talk to Step Change and say your circumstances have changed and you need to reconfigure the terms of your loan in order to leave a very poor living situation quickly. You need money now op to remove yourself from this situation so focus all of your efforts on earning that and cut back on every expense possible. Do not borrow any more though except with the advice of Step Change. Good luck Flowers

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 10:50

Her student loan and how she chooses to spend it are nothing to do with you, and especially nothing to do with your debt. That does just scream jealousy.

It’s your fault that you’re doing all the housework. WHY?
And it’s your fault for agreeing a contribution to household finances that sends you overdrawn.

I’ve voted YABU because I think her behaviour isn’t the issue here - your choices are.

She could be a clean living hate working girl whom you barely knew was there. You’d still be doing all the housework and you’d still be overdrawn because those are your choices.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 10:54

@Hortibunda

Op I think this is going to be very difficult if you are paying back debt etc but could you do some temporary extra work like ironing or supermarket work or pub work or anything to earn a deposit so that you and your DS can leave? It would have the advantage that you would be out of the house a lot. Or talk to Step Change and say your circumstances have changed and you need to reconfigure the terms of your loan in order to leave a very poor living situation quickly. You need money now op to remove yourself from this situation so focus all of your efforts on earning that and cut back on every expense possible. Do not borrow any more though except with the advice of Step Change. Good luck Flowers
OP already works full time and has a disability payment coming in for her son.

If she isn’t saving money compared to living alone, by moving in with a boyfriend, I would be willing to bet that it’s because the relative contributions aren’t fair.

Sometimes you lose benefits - but with an adult child and a full time job, surely not much to lose?

If OP needs to save money for a deposit I wouldn’t rush into another job on top of full time. I’d start with working out why her contribution to what should be a cheaper living set up is sending her overdrawn!

Not meaning to diss your advice - if a second job is needed it’s a good idea, and definitely talking to Stepchange. It’s just my senses are tingling that the household finances aren’t fair currently.

Notaroadrunner · 23/09/2021 10:54

Have a bit of respect for yourself and move out. Why on earth would you put up with this nonsense? Being told you are only a guest, told to fuck off etc. I'd be gone like a shot. And dump him. He has no respect for you whatsoever and clearly sees you as unpaid skivvy for him and his brat of a daughter.

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 10:55

Gosh, Kleppy, I bet you wish you'd stayed in your own place; it doesn't matter that it was rented, it was your home.

Your fella has a housekeeper - you.

What a flipping cheek being told you are a guest in their house!

Please, please, look on Rightmove straight away and find somewhere for you and your son to live.

You do not need this apology for a relationship. There are far nicer men around who would like a good woman with whom to go out and about. You could have fun!

If you're not enjoying it, get out of it as soon as possible.

poppymaewrite · 23/09/2021 10:56

You’re getting the poor end of the bargain at the moment. You’re doing all the housework and he’s not treating you well and not making you a priority. What do you benefit from this arrangement apart from not paying rent? If you’re that tight for money you could apply for Universal Credit to cover housing element. If you speak to citizens advice they could do a calculation for you. Shelter are very good. If you speak to the council’s housi no department, they would owe you a duty to ‘prevent you from being homeless’ as if you left you wouldn’t be able to afford rent. So they would be able to advise and support you. I would start with the council if it were me.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/09/2021 10:58

So he suggests you make his house your home and you pay your way and pull your weight (more than pull your weight it sounds like) but you're a guest when you take issue with how they affect you.

This is a dead situation as your pov is not considered to be valid by either of them and she is hostile to you.

This is why you should never set up home with someone mainly because it is a practical benefit (getting out of a rental), this wasn't a joining of each others lives into one shared life so much as him acquiring a housemate with benefits (housework and sex presumably).

You need to leave, this will never inprove because your conmplaints are not heard, understood or valid as far as they are concerned. Raise your expectations and go. If I were a hostile 20yo and treating an adult like this and they were powerless to effect change I'd feel encouraged and dig in for the distance.

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 10:59

What I am saying is I don’t think it’s fair that she can spend thousands and thousands of pounds on having fun and buying expensive clothes when everyone else in the house has to pay their way. That is NOT unreasonable.

I clean the house because no one else will and I don’t want to live in a stinky shit tip. Yes, that is my decision but we are all adults with responsibilities and should show respect to others.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/09/2021 11:02

So you work full time, provide full maid service, pay your full share of the bills and are told by your partner and his daughter that really you aren't part of the family.

What a lovely way to live
You rented alone before
You can rent again.

dreamingbohemian · 23/09/2021 11:02

There is no point going on about how things should be, your partner and his daughter are very clearly saying nothing is going to change.

It's a really shit situation and you should move out. I feel bad for your son, it sounds really unpleasant for him.