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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third wheel and a guest in their house

256 replies

Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 09:14

I’ve been with my bf for 3.5 years now. We are both early 50s and divorced.

I have a 20 year old son who lives with us, he has 20 year old daughter who also lives with us. We moved into my bf’s house a year ago, it was his suggestion as I don’t own my own property and was renting.

The issue I have is that I feel I am the third wheel in his relationship with his daughter. She lives at home rent free as she is studying, however receives the full maintenance grant of 7.5k and works 1 day a week. She does nothing around the house, parties most weekends bringing friends home at 6am and men we don’t know home occasionally. She blew the whole of her grant/wages on partying and clothes last year. I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

We’ve had some fall outs recently because of her behaviour, laziness and attitude towards me. I was told by her and my bf that I am a guest in their house therefore should accept how they choose to live, which I do accept to some degree. She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. I’m not going to be allowed to interfere with their relationship. She turns up at places when we are out or will FaceTime her dad when we are out sometimes.

She is 20 years old and lies on our bed with her dad when I’m in the shower, won’t move for me to get in. I have to ask. She’s even sat our our bed looking at his wedding pictures with him.

I have spoken to my bf about this however he just can’t see any faults with her at all or that her behaviour is not acceptable. She hardly sees her mum and her mum’s partner doesn’t even acknowledge her when she’s there, he may feel the same?

My son has autism so when he’s not at college he spends most of his time in his room. Apparently he should do more housework because he’s not out “working” or socialising. He gives me every penny of his disability benefit towards his upkeep.

Am I just jealous or is this an odd situation? I have nicknamed her “Princess Klingon” because that’s how it feels.

OP posts:
Shewholovedthethebanhills · 23/09/2021 11:03

Of course it’s not fair. Nothing here is fair. Are you perhaps focusing your justifiable anger at her because it’s easier than directing at your partner? Obviously she sounds vile but this is more about him, surely?

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 11:04

@Kleppy10

What I am saying is I don’t think it’s fair that she can spend thousands and thousands of pounds on having fun and buying expensive clothes when everyone else in the house has to pay their way. That is NOT unreasonable.

I clean the house because no one else will and I don’t want to live in a stinky shit tip. Yes, that is my decision but we are all adults with responsibilities and should show respect to others.

It is unreasonable - it’s her money, not yours.

Unless you’re saying that you boyfriend is making you pay 2/3 of all the household expenses and he’s paying 1/3?

What is your agreement, is it more expensive for you now than when you lived separately, and why did you agree to something you couldn’t afford?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/09/2021 11:05

I agree that you are focusing on the DD when the real problem is your DP. He is the one who should be making sure things are fair not her.

MitheringMytryl · 23/09/2021 11:05

Oh my god, just leave. He's told you that you are a guest in their home... But it's fine for you to pay bills and do housework? Fuck that. Get out now and don't look back.

And no, her behaviour towards you is not normal. She is being weird.

Hortibunda · 23/09/2021 11:06

Not meaning to diss your advice - if a second job is needed it’s a good idea, and definitely talking to Stepchange. It’s just my senses are tingling that the household finances aren’t fair currently.

Of course it's highly likely that the finances aren't fair; there is very little fair about this situation. A second job for a short period of time would be very hard but perhaps necessary. Bf unlikely to change their current financial deal currently when their relationship is going through difficulties.

Did you miss the bit where op said she had two years of debt management left to pay with Step Change? Op has debt from previous divorce.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 11:07

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I agree that you are focusing on the DD when the real problem is your DP. He is the one who should be making sure things are fair not her.
Agree with this, but also OP needs to focus on what actually is fair and not.

Doing all the housework? Not fair.
His daughter having more disposable income that her? Irritating yeah - no necessarily unfair though.

KateTheEighth · 23/09/2021 11:09

Just get out

Why would you live with people who show you so little respect and stay in a relationship with a man who treats you like an inconvenience?

Fuck that shit

HaveringWavering · 23/09/2021 11:09

You should have been out of the door the second your boyfriend, who asked you to move in with him, said that you were “a guest in his house”. That is truly shocking. I can’t believe that you say this is something that you can accept to some extent. If you and your son are only guests there then you are actually homeless! You need to get out of the house, find yourself and your son a home and find a new partner. This one is a cunt.

Bargoed · 23/09/2021 11:10

I think the main issue is the difference you see between his daughters life and your sons autistic life. How she lives/spends is fuck all to do with you really
If you are not saving money by living there why as a grown woman are you still there - did you not discuss finances before you moved in and did you not do a budget - you have a step change agreement - one of the 1st things they discuss with you is budget and forward planning

Ponoka7 · 23/09/2021 11:11

I voted YABU because you shouldn't have moved in without a trial period and seeing if he would put his foot down with her. How he parents is upto him. You are no more entitled to his money than she is. You are focusing on her, when it should be your partner who you are finding fault with. You must have seen the state of the house before you moved in. You've decided to take your son into that environment. He's told you that it isn't your or your son's home. This is on you. They don't have to change because you say so.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/09/2021 11:12

You need to move right back out again!

TheWoleb · 23/09/2021 11:13

If the agreement you made before moving in was that you would pay half the bills then, as long as he is paying his half, her money has nothing to do with you.
It isnt his fault that you need to use your son's money to pay your half.

If that is what you agreed, then that's your fault for saying yes.

It's a totally unfair arrangement, you shouldn't be paying half if you're earning less than him. This should have all be discussed and a fairer split should have been agreed. But if you said yes to paying half, then that's on you.
You cant complain about her spending her own money which her father has never asked for and he is covering their half of the bills himself.

You need to move out and be a lot more careful in future about the sorts of agreements you make just to get into a house with a man.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 11:13

@Hortibunda

Not meaning to diss your advice - if a second job is needed it’s a good idea, and definitely talking to Stepchange. It’s just my senses are tingling that the household finances aren’t fair currently.

Of course it's highly likely that the finances aren't fair; there is very little fair about this situation. A second job for a short period of time would be very hard but perhaps necessary. Bf unlikely to change their current financial deal currently when their relationship is going through difficulties.

Did you miss the bit where op said she had two years of debt management left to pay with Step Change? Op has debt from previous divorce.

No, I didn’t miss that at all. The boyfriend can’t force the money out of OP’s hand and if it is genuinely unfair, she should at least START by saying, “actually, this isn’t fair and I can’t afford it - so here’s £x instead of £y this month”. Even if that’s only for one month whilst she looks to move out. I see no reason to stay in this relationship - but that’s not even related to the daughter! Don’t even need that reason. He’s dirty, and happy* for her to going into debt for household contribution. That’s awful.

*I say happy, I suppose there’s a possibility OP is making what seems like a fair contribution and hasn’t told him it’s too much. Seems unlikely though.

GoWalkabout · 23/09/2021 11:14

She is entitled to the full maintenance LOAN and he is entitled to decide what she pays to his household. She is entitled to have fun and be as unreasonable and selfish as most of us are in our twenties. HE is the parent and should set higher expectations I am not entirely sure why you don't hold him to account rather than her. I suspect because he hides behind her. But it is his fault. Its your responsibility to decide what is in your and your sons best interests and to act accordingly, so don't blame your woes on her - do something to assert your rights or to change your situation.

Hanab · 23/09/2021 11:14

Move out .. you are just there to help with the bills and be a maid ..

Fariha31 · 23/09/2021 11:15

This guy has messed you about royally. Stop paying rent or bills as you will need to save up for a deposit on your next rental (its your BF fault you are needing to do this and anyway your a 'guest' right - guests dont pay bills).
Save your money (and your sons money) and get your own place, your son needs a loving stable home (and so do you)
You need to shake off this pair asap.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2021 11:15

Move. You cannot be a permanent guest. You have to live somewhere.

If you were a guest, they'd be paying all the bills and feeding you. You'd contribute the occasional bottle of wine, bunch of flowers, bit of shopping or meal out.

I think she summed it up pretty clearly for you with She told me that he is her dad, she is a daddy’s girl, it’s her house and if I don’t like I can F off. The significant point is that he didn't and doesn't disagree.

So off you F.

Fariha31 · 23/09/2021 11:16

If he whines about the bills - charge him for the housework.

Carreterra · 23/09/2021 11:17

@Kleppy10
OP, could you move out in to rented accommodation again?
My former partner's daughter was like this, ringing & texting her DF when we were on a night out etc, she still is obsessed, but lying on the bed with her DF, creepy. I would walk, please seek advice on housing from Citizen's Advice, you are being treated with a complete lack of respect.

Blindstupid · 23/09/2021 11:23

Pick up your self respect where you left it and walk right out of there. You deserve better.

Also, why is your son giving you all of his disability money?? That’s not right, or fair. It’s his money.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 23/09/2021 11:25

Your bf doesn't seem to value you at all. He and his daughter are treating you and your son like shit.
Definitely end this awful relationship and move out - for your son's sake as much as yours.

pelosi · 23/09/2021 11:25

I’m going overdrawn paying mine and my sons contribution to the bills/food. I do everything around the house and work full time.

You're not a guest or a partner, you're a skivvy.

Leave as soon as you can.

In the meantime, cook only for you and your son (although he should be helping you) and don't do DP and his daughter's laundry. Leave her room dirty.

Honestly, you need to leave.

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 23/09/2021 11:26

My BF believes that the disability money is for me to keep my Son. I disagree and we are opening him an account for most of it to go into.

OP posts:
Mombie2021 · 23/09/2021 11:29

I’m confused.

You’re working full time, your son is giving you his entire disability payment, you pay half the bills and you’re skint? I know you’re on a DMP but if you’re not paying rent/mortgage, how are you so broke?

Does your son do any housework?

Does your boyfriend do any housework?

Does his daughter pay any board?

Blindstupid · 23/09/2021 11:29

How old is your son?

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