AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

You shouldn’t have told your parents what you were doing because it’s clear from how you describe them as being so avoidant that they wouldn’t be interested, but YANBU for researching at all.

Maybe you are selfish - but I don’t think selfishness is a bad thing in many cases. Perhaps if more people were a bit selfish there’d be less martyrish complaining like we see on here. Anyway, I digress.

I’ve actually become pretty angry reading all the “oh your poor parents, you’re so contemptuous towards them, how can you respect them so little” comments. Nobody here had OP’s upbringing, none of you know the damage their avoidance and sweeping things under the carpet could have caused her. Maybe they WERE just shitty parents - just because people are your parents, doesn’t always mean they love you, treat you nicely or have your best interests at heart. That’s great so many people have lovely parents they can’t imagine talking about in such a way, but not everyone does.

I completely agree with your stance on confronting uncomfortable truths OP - rather than advising you to have therapy I’d assume that you’ve already had it? Most people could do with a good dose of therapy tbh.

YANBU to do what you’re doing, but it seems your parents will never change how they are so I wouldn’t put yourself through the frustration of trying to involve them. And I’m sorry they weren’t the parents they should have been to you.

You owe your mum a huge apology, at the very least.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Another thing here is you have no idea at all what kind of problems you have caused for the actual mother who placed your dm up for adoption, there could be a million reasons why she done this. You have said her family didn't know and now you have jumped in there and possibly caused a massive shitshow In another family just because you feel its your right. Reading this has made me so fucking mad on behalf if everyone you have dragged into this.

Yep.

I didn't ask to be born.

Does anyone over the age of 15 actually say this?

The family in your life should come before dostant relatives.

I have an uncle somewhere but my parent didnt tell me until i was 35. They don't want contact. I do. But its not about me.

It may be your history but it is living history to them and you are underestimating the complex emotions and inherited resentment that may be associated with it. I have identified some distant living relatives but feel it inappropriate to follow some of them up as they had drifted apart from our family members over time, probably for a reason. There is one in particular who seems to be holding back a little and disinterested but you can only ask so much. If you know names you can still do a paper exercise, through the records, wills, newspaper archives etc but be respectful that your parents cannot or will not share in it.

@ManifestDestinee

however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies

Since you're so fond of the truth without care to anyones feelings, here's the truth: you are a rude spoiled brat who only cares about themselves, has no respect for anyone else, and you are so far over the line that the line is a dot to you.
I have rarely seen anyone on here be more unreasonable, which is saying something. You mention psychotherapy, I suggest you get some, and apolgise to your poor parents.

Why are you so triggered that OP has the courage to confront uncomfortable truths where so many people do not? Seems a lot of people on this thread prefer the sweeping under the carpet philosophy. Beating around the bush and not being honest is a massive problem in society, the British stiff upper lip is so damaging and at worst leads to serious things like abuse being covered up. I’d much rather have OP as a friend than a weak avoidant.

I have relatives that are not part of my life for a reason.

Your curiosity is misplaced.

I would be devastated if my children felt it was their tight to get yo know Great Uncle X - who I would not trust with children. Their own grandmother is a vicious narcissistic woman who would worsen their lives.

Trust your parents or you may not like the contents of what you find.

OP I haven’t read all the comments but I’ve read your updates.

I have similar issues in my background and I was amazed to see how many people were saying YABU. I firmly believe that you have the right to know where you come from, and your parents’ feelings don’t trump yours. People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice.

Do a DNA test (Ancestry is best). Good luck.

I think you're really selfish and quite nasty. You seem to think you're better than your parents...calling your mum a doormat. Your parents' childhoods are nothing to do with you unless they wish to disclose information to you. You do not have a right to know details about their lives. You have no idea whether your mum has been through some horrible things and doesn't want to talk about her life because of this. Stop hassling them and prying.

@Womenopause plenty of people on this thread who have complicated families think that OP is selfish.

However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people'

And she has every right to show no interest. As much right as you have to be interested and do the research. You’re interested, but she’s mithering? If she feels that opening up this can of worms will cause upset to people she cares about, then that’s her call. You can still do what you can do on your own - that’s yours.

@Womenopause

OP I haven’t read all the comments but I’ve read your updates.

I have similar issues in my background and I was amazed to see how many people were saying YABU. I firmly believe that you have the right to know where you come from, and your parents’ feelings don’t trump yours. People from “normal” backgrounds seem oddly eager to squash the feelings of people from more complicated families. Don’t take any notice.

Do a DNA test (Ancestry is best). Good luck.

Completely agree with this. The normies don’t get it. People who are lucky enough to have uncomplicated families they love and respect can’t imagine it being any other way. Not all parents deserve respect

@ManifestDestinee

Why are you so triggered that OP has the courage to confront uncomfortable truths where so many people do not? Seems a lot of people on this thread prefer the sweeping under the carpet philosophy. Beating around the bush and not being honest is a massive problem in society, the British stiff upper lip is so damaging and at worst leads to serious things like abuse being covered up. I’d much rather have OP as a friend than a weak avoidant

I'm not "triggered" you fool. OP is not courageous, she is selfish. It's not brave or impressive to take other peoples secrets and lives and blow them up for your own amusement. It's not impressive to be vile about your mother while wearing her trauma like a coat.

I'm sure you would have OP as a friend, you could be vile together.

How do you know her mother was a good parent who deserves OP’s respect?

You really are very entitled, aren't you? You don't care who you hurt, your right to know trumps all else.

If your family cut you off for your behaviour I wouldn't blame them.

...my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies

This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

The thing I think you're missing here is that psychotherapy is something one has to willingly participate in. It's not something you have done to you. Your feeling that difficult issues are better shared is valid - but other people's preference not to share them is also valid. You're approaching this as though what you think and feel ought to be what everyone else thinks and feels, and that's just not how it works.

@TedMullins the "normies" give me a break 🤣 lots more people with 'complicated' families on this thread disagree with you than agree

@belfastlass

I should clarify: . the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him . My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust. . I have been conducting this as a personal project. I only informed my parents as I thought they might wish to know some of the things I found out, however as they seemingly don't then I will carry on my research but just not inform them.

Also, I can see the point of people here calling me selfish. However by this logic, to research this further I will have to wait until my parents are dead, by which time any possible relatives will likely also be dead even if I can find them by that point, and I will be very old myself.

As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background. The fact that my parents have spent their lives ignoring basic truths is their problem not mine, now that I'm an adult.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term.

I think you are being very insensitive. Adoption can be very hard for people to deal with and your mother's feelings about it are obviously more important than yours, she was the one who was adopted.

Your mother has dealt with her adoption, she acknowledges it, she lives with it, just because she doesn't want to deal with it in a way that you do doesn't mean she hasn't dealt with it.

How do you know her mother was a good parent who deserves OP’s respect?

Try reading her OP, for a start

My takeaway from the first post was that OP has little or no respect for their parents, particularly their mother. As the posts continue it is clear that they have no regards for their feelings either. Although regret is expressed over contacting their DMs blood relatives, that rings hollow and unfeeling. There is no appreciation that the trauma suffered by their DF's grandparents likely manifested in his parent and therefore affected him. However, I suspect that OP will continue carelessly stomping around because OP's "personal" projects trumps all else. To get to know about dead relatives, OP is disregarding the living. Not nice.

@gobbynorthernbird

You searched out an adoptee's biological family without their knowledge or permission? Totally out of order.

Not if you use your own DNA and do an online DNA search. OP didn't say.

My dm knew very little about her parents' backgrounds. I probably know more about my gps than she did. But they are all dead now so it's just my cousin's who know about it and we're interested in it.

My dsis bf went to her df's funeral and found out she had a half brother she knew nothing about. He was the result of a relationship during WW2 and he was brought up by his dm and her dh who'd accepted it was part of the long absences during wartime. But he met his bio father regularly.

I think you just need to pursue it without involving your dp's.