AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

It's not your "personal project" if you are involving other people. Wow, that's some level of entitlement coming from it.

I get a feeling you don't much like your parents.

Look, it would be fine to research it and have a family trre, bjt you are contacting people, her biological family, against her wishes. That's harsh.
Sorry but in this case I believe her wants trump yours.

You are being selfish and out of order. Stamping over your parents’ wishes and upsetting them for what? So you can find out about dead people? Prioritise the living.

the possible custody issue was with my father's grandparents, not his own parents, so traumatic yes but not directly affecting him

It’s highly likely that his grandparents having their children removed would have had a massive impact on those children - your father’s parent - and therefore an impact on his upbringing.

My mother's adoption records she ordered herself a few years ago. I'm not sure why she ordered them and then just let then just let them gather dust.

So it wasn’t even just that your mother hadn’t thought of what to do - she was either just not ready or had decided not to search.
Your attitude toward her adoption is staggeringly selfish and callous.

Sorry but YABVU. I understand your curiosity but that doesn’t mean you can disregard your parents’ feelings. That’s cruel.

You say:

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues, pretend they don't exist, cover for people's psychological maladaptations rather than challenge and improve them, people's feelings trump everything including the truth. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and is a major reason why my family is not very close today, and why I've decided not to have kids myself. This is the basic idea behind psychotherapy - bringing uncomfortable truths into the light for better mental health. Sensitively yes, but knowing that not dealing with an issue will cause far more damage in the long-run than the pain of confronting it in the short-term

I mean this kindly not rudely - perhaps you could do with seeing a counsellor and exploring your own feelings? Why would you not have children yourself? Sometimes people ignore things because they’re too painful to face or to unpick. Who are you to say that way of dealing with things is wrong? Sometimes people do deal with things but do that inside themselves in a very private way. That’s not a “psychological maladaptation”. It’s not for you to make them lay their trauma out on the table for your perusal.

You sound very scornful of your parents. Perhaps your feelings about them are involved in your desire to push forward and find new relatives? If I were you I’d back right off. By all means do what private record research you want but don’t involve your parents. I’m sorry but you do sound lacking in empathy and quite immature. Your mum had her adoption record but didn’t pursue it. Perhaps that’s because she couldn’t emotionally and she’s still dealing with things? You seem to imply it’s just because she’s a bit wet. Love your parents and cherish them. They won’t be here one day.

And I loathe the way you talk about your parents. When faced with conflict, your mum is 'a doormat' and your dad hides away. I think you have benefitted from these character traits actually because I'd have gone fucking mad with you by now

This ^^. Sorry to break this to you OP, but you are not the centre of the fucking universe. In your posts everyone has 'rights' except, it would seem, your parents. How did you get hold of your mother's documents?

I'm actually open mouthed at how conceited and self obsessed you sound. You may be into psychoanalysis but most people are not. Not everyone wants to rake up painful issues and memories and it's really not up to you to force them to. You didn't ask to be born into this "messy" family? How charming you sound, telling those who were adopted that their lives are messy.

I also hate to break it to you, but your family history is really not remarkable. Countless families have similar issues, difference is most people show some respect and either research discreetly or let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm horrified and yes I really do mean horrified anyone can think you have the right to do this. How awful.. Yes you do need to wait until they're no?longer here, it is their business.not yours.

I cannot believe you think this is ok. Your mum doesn’t want to explore her background and while she is alive you absolutely have to respect that. To do what you have done is such a betrayal of her that there are no words. You fail to appreciate that her feelings around it are likely complex and emotional and you’ve managed to increase that. When she dies, by all means do all the contacting you like but until that point you have no rights at all.

I'm a bit on the fence with this.
I am an adoptee myself and agree that her birth family is yours too. However, I do think you have gone about it in quite an insensitive manner.
Being adopted and choosing to trace birth parents is a very individual experience. Your mother clearly has questions, otherwise she would not have ordered her documents, however, something that really stood out for me was her insistence to not upset people. A lot of adopted people are made to feel grateful for being adopted and made guilty for wondering about their genetics and it sounds deeply ingrained into your mum.
I think you should have talked to her about it before approaching her relatives.
Your dad is obviously embarrassed and/or anxious about his family history which again he is allowed to be. I understand your frustration at their lack of communication on these matters but the way you are going about things is highly likely to make them clam up even more.
Moving forward it might be best not to share your finding without checking they want to know first.
Be patient with your mum and discuss her family if she wants to as she may change her mind in the future, I know for me once I knew names, my curiosity got the better of me! But tread slowly and supportive as she may have a lot of emotions to work through until she is ready.

Have you even considered what your grandiose delusions of a “personal research project” have done to the half brother that you crashed into a family situation I’ll bet he had no idea about? How it’s not just your ooor parents with their “poor parenting skills” that you’ve upset for the sake of your hobby? Your behaviour is the very definition of self centred and selfish; continue with the therapy where you can be the most important person in the room without traumatising anyone else.

You owe your parents a sincere apology and a promise to stop snooping around in their business.

You speak of them with such contempt like they are blithering idiots or something.

I don't know how old you are but you sound like a petulant 14 year old.

Take some time for therapy to learn some boundaries and how not to stomp on the boundaries of other people.

Frankly this is is a philosophy to life I've grown to absolutely loath - ignore difficult issues

As a general thing then ignoring issues is not a great idea.
However it's not up to you to decide that now is the time your mum and dad have to face up to them.
If they ever want to face up they will do so. Forcing the issue will not help. In this respect you are being selfish.
Go right ahead and find whomever you wish, but your parents have made it clear they dont want to know.

@Ivy48

There’s a reason lots of info is redacted For around 100 years when researching family trees, so people like you don’t go upset families who may have no knowledge of what you’ve found or adoptions etc. I’d it was a case of your mother not being adopted then I would’ve said ok go ahead but she’s been clear she doesn’t wish to explore that side of her family, regardless of if you think she’s been a push over. You should respect their wishes and when the time appropriate time comes you can research then

Well yes and no.

Birth, marriage and death records are freely available and indexed online. Scottish death indexes for 2021 are available. Anyone could go online and request a birth certificate from the 1990s, 1960s. Or a marriage. The 1939 register for England and Wales is available online. The 1950 US census will be released shortly as they have a "72 year" privacy law. Local newspaper archives are widely available and cover right up to the present. I recently requested a full set of medical notes for a client from the 1930s.

It's really only census records which fall under the 100 year rule, yes census is a key piece of information to show family relationships, parents and children and so on, but by no means the only piece of information.

There are other records like adoption, stillbirth, some military records which are sealed for longer, and which you can get access to only if you can prove the person concerned is dead and you are the next of kin. But people are generally very shocked about just how far you can get with something like the names of their parents and the year they married.

I'm joining the choir.

Yes, your mum ordered the adoption papers. But clearly she felt unable to go any further with them, for her own reasons. Not just (as you seem to think) that she couldn't be bothered. I'm sure it's a really common scenario. People get up the courage to send off for the papers, then it all seems too big and too scary, and they go no further. I know you've acknowledged it, but overriding her and contacting them was appallingly selfish.

You still haven't learned though, because:
a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?
No. No they don't. If they had a right to know, then the adoption agency would tell them. Which of course they don't. By telling them, you've enabled a situation where they could get in touch with your mum, which could be traumatic for her. I honestly don't understand how you didn't recognise that as a possibility, and how you didn't think that through before going ahead.

You sound incredibly unempathetic. You seem to think that your parents should think and feel exactly the way you do. They don't. They could even have some complex reasons why they really don't want to know this stuff.

@RantyAunty

You owe your parents a sincere apology and a promise to stop snooping around in their business.

You speak of them with such contempt like they are blithering idiots or something.

I don't know how old you are but you sound like a petulant 14 year old.

Take some time for therapy to learn some boundaries and how not to stomp on the boundaries of other people.

I couldn't agree more.

What will you do if you find out your mother was born out of incest or rape, by an abuser who went on to destroy more lives? I remember doing family trees at school, my grandfather was a paedophile and he physically and sexually abused his wife and my aunty, uncles, father, sisters and cousins and kids of their neighbours. It never went to court because we all had to keep it secret. So I had to write out my family tree aged 11 or 12 and keep this secret in class, I had to lie, had to ask my parents about his family. Because I couldn't tell. Even now my whole family are in denial about the physical and emotional damage my grandfather did to generations of his family, you don't know what you might be bringing back to life. We are mostly all estranged because even though my older relatives were also abused, they didn't believe is, the next generation, because denial is deep and strong, they didn't protect us from harm. Have some respect for your parents and all the people who have read your thread and have had difficult things brought up.

My aunt in law was adopted;my DH's grandparents adopted her in their late forties meaning she lost both parents by the time she reached her mid thirties.

She wouldn't have searched for her biological parents whilst her adoptive mother was alive;she wouldn't have been allowed to do so as my DH's grandmother was quite a selfish woman.

She did find her biological parents though afterwards;they were both delighted to meet her;the circumstances surrounding her birth made it impossible for them to keep her.She found 2 lots of half siblings too from her parents marriages.

Unfortunately after initially meeting her biological mother contact was cut;her mother's husband decided he didn't like his wife's past being dug up or people knowing about it so he barred her from contact with her daughter.

@Pallisers

II now regret contacting the biological relatives (to clarify, a cousin and half-brother - who surely have a right to know in any case?)

No. They do not have a right to know. Why on earth would they? Do you have any understanding what adoption actually is and how it worked?

No one has any rights here except your mother (who had no rights at all when adopted). You sound very naive and very self-centered. Did it never occur to you that your mother had her own feelings about her adoption that were more important than your wish to know your ancestors?

Yes. This. There is no right to know one's biological ancestors.

I honestly can't believe that you think what you want trumps the wishes of your mum and dad because that's your "right".

Never mind them "stone walling" you, you are bulldozing them!

You say you didn’t ask to be born. Nor did your parents. Your mother didn’t ask to be adopted. Your father didn’t ask to come from parents with a traumatic background.

Why does your not choosing to be born trump the fact that they had no choice?

They are dealing with their background in their own way. And should not be forced into confrontation about them.

By al means do your research, but whatever other issues you have with your parents, in this area you need to have some empathy and also respect their wishes.

There is no right to know one's biological ancestors.

Completely disagree. OP has every right to know who her grandparents, g grandparents etc are.

The line is crossed however by approaching living people and trying to forge a relationship with her unwilling mother. Her mother has the right not to know, or not to be interested, or to refuse contact.

But it's very unreasonable to ask the OP to stop researching HER history because her mother objects.

@belfastlass have you considered taking a DNA test? That could potentially match you with more distant relatives and help you get further back than using records alone.

@jacks11

YABVU and coming across as unpleasant and self-centred.

If your mother does not wish to know more about her biological family- even if you do not understand or agree with her reasons- then you should respect HER decision. You have no right to trample over her wishes and dictate that she must find out more/have contact because you are interested. You have no right to demand this and should recognise that there are probably a myriad of reasons why your mum might not want to look into it further. Not every adopted person want to have contact with their biological family or even to know specific details. There is no right or wrong on this one- it’s a very personal decision for each adoptee and it is very wrong of you to have acted as you have. I can’t believe you genuinely cannot fathom why your mum might not want to know more- I feel sorry for your mum on this one. You criticise your dad for sulking until he gets what he wants- it appears, based on this at least, that you are just as determined to get your own way by riding roughshod over your mother’s feelings and wishes. Not to dissimilar, I think.

If you have found relatives and want to be in contact with them, you are free to do so but for goodness sake respect your mother’s expressed wishes and leave her out of it! You can have contact, get to know them and so on without including her in it all. That’s between you and them.

As for your father’s history- again, do you really have no idea why your dad might not wish to trawl over something that might be painful or uncomfortable for him? You don’t know why his grandparents lost custody of his parent and their siblings, nor what effect that had on your grandparent, or on your father and his childhood. Has it really not occurred to you that he may not want to talk about it because it is upsetting? Or because of the stigma that surrounded such things in those time, and even now- that he may be ashamed (however much he shouldn’t be)?

You don’t have a right to know everything about your parents and their lives just because you WANT to know- they are entitled to privacy. I understand you are interested in your family history, but you can’t expect people to just dig up the past and painful events at your command because YOU want to know more. If your parents don’t want to talk about something, then let it be- unless it is something truly vital that you know (and that is unlikely). By all means ask other relatives who may be willing to talk about the past and your family history, research using archives etc.

This. You sound totally self centered and spoilt. Why ask Aibu if you're going to ignore the responses? You were clearly looking for justification which you're not getting

I can only assume you don't like your parents. I'm adopted. I searched out the record some years back. I decided not to pursue it further, for reasons of my own. I would be devastated to suddenly be presented with family members.

Let’s put this into perspective OP: you’re not researching a life-changing illness or an unsolved crime. However you wish to dress it up, you’re actually just being nosy about your family history. This absolutely does not give you the right to trample all over your family’s feelings. How dare you think your need to know more about this trumps your parents feelings about their history. And yes, it’s not unreasonable at all for you to have to wait until they’re not around any more.

YABVU and are coming across as a spoiled brat. I’m not at all surprised that they don’t want to discuss this with you given the attitude you’ve shown here.