AIBU to be infuriated with my parent's stonewalling/non-cooperation as I research our family history??

[belfastlass]

God where to start with this.

I come from a family where virtually nothing was ever discussed about our family background. All I know is a threadbare mishmash of bits and pieces I've scraped together from the very rare times they did mention something, old documents I've found in the house, and the odd chat with more open relatives.

As someone with a fascination with history and the past and I've always found it incredibly frustrating how little I know about my own family background. This is part and parcel of wider attitude my parents have of brushing any 'awkward' issue under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist, which caused huge problems as me and my siblings were growing up. My mother in particular is a complete doormat and has spent her life being pushed around by all and sundry as she hates 'causing a fuss' or 'not being nice to people'. My father's attitude to any family drama or argument was to get angry and then sulk in his room until we just shut up about it and never mentioned it again.

My mother was adopted, which is something I didn't even know until I was 12 when I chanced across some old documents. When I asked her about this, she said she never pursued looking for the birth parents as she 'didn't want to upset her adoptive mother'. I recently discovered some further documents on this with more details, and via these (and Facebook) have managed to track down some of her biological relatives. However my mom seems completely uninterested and keeps mithering about 'not upsetting people' (even though these relatives seemed overjoyed to discover they had new relatives and were only upset they didn't know). My dad has not said anything, but his silence (usually he sends a check-in text every days) suggests that as usual he is sulking about the fact that I've dared to rock the boat on this issue.

As for him, there is a massive issue with his grandparents - something to do with them having their kids (i.e. his parents) taken out of their custody. The details of this I've never been able to work out, and of course he's never told me anything about it.

I could go on, but AIBU to want to carry on researching my family tree and know the truth? This massive gap in my knowledge has been gnawing away at me all my life, and even if my parents aren't interested I am, and it is as much my history as theirs surely? Ok, so there may be some upsetting revelations, however my attitude has always been that the truth is more important than 'not upsetting people', or protecting people's personal psychological hang-ups and avoidance strategies. Am I being selfish?

I’m adopted. Have never had a desire to trace birth parents. My adoptive parents are my parents as far as I am concerned. If DS wanted to do family tree I would expect him to look at my adoptive family.

It’s perfectly OK for you to find out more, but you shouldn’t contact the relatives without discussing with your parents. This is a closer connection for you than it is for them and you could be stirring up some strong and painful emotions for them. For you it’s an interesting exercise, for them it’s their life.

My dad was adopted and raised by his paternal grandparents. His birth mother emigrated and died of cancer when he was 11 (she would have been 26). Recently for life insurance purposes my brother got my dads permission to do some research and find out what kind of cancer it was - only to find that she didn’t die aged 26 (and probably never had cancer), she lived till well into her eighties, had other children and never told anyone my dad existed. This news was really upsetting to my dad, even though he had a good stable family upbringing.

The point I’m making is please don’t disregard their feelings. The capacity to cause upset in these situations is huge and you could cause real anguish for them.

I can understand your interest finding out more op, but if your mother doesn’t want to pursue it you really need to leave things alone. It’s your mother’s decision not yours.

@Hadalifeonce

Keep searching OP, whatever your parents' feelings are, you don't have to inform them if they don't want to know But you have every right to know your own history.

But it's not just her history.

It's their lives. She has no right to go delving into their childhoods and making contact with their long lost relatives.

It's hugely inappropriate and I'm not surprised her parents are bloody angry with her about it.

My family has adoptions and trauma in its' past but I've never ever considered it to be my place to make contact with biological relatives behind my parents backs as a result!

I’m shocked at the amount of people that voted yabu. It’s your life too, so you are entitled to know or look for answers etc. One of my sisters is really into ancestry, she has found relatives we didn’t know we had as our mother (we were raised without our father), didn’t talk about anything she didn’t want to. Even if it was important events that affected us. So I say go for it. But obviously do your best not to hurt anyone. AncestryDNA website & similar have made it possible to find out a lot that was previously kept hidden. Right or wrong the information is often a click away. Good luck.

So the documents you used belong to them and they didn’t give you permission to use them you ‘happened upon them’ ? And you knew that they probably wouldn’t allow it? No wonder they’re annoyed.
You sound very angry with your parents and this is a way to hurt them.

@gobbynorthernbird

You searched out an adoptee's biological family without their knowledge or permission? Totally out of order.

First post and I agre with this totally. Your mother was adopted and not you and it’s her issues to deal with or ignore as she chooses

Honestly, most people have a few of these secrets in their families. It's hardly some unique burden you're facing.

Between my mum and dad's sides, I have a grandparent, an uncle, a great uncle and God only knows how many cousins that the rest of my family simply won't have anything to do with, they're not discussed and I've never met them. Sure it would be interesting to know more about my grandad in particular, but I know it would be incredibly painful for me to ask my mother for more details as I have the impression that there's very good reasons for these relatives to be excluded so strongly.

Am I curious as to what exactly happened and who my grandad is? Yes. I did once have a brief dig around on Ancestry.com, but couldn't get much as I only know his name and nothing else about him. But I would never ask my mum or my grandmother for any details as I know it would be painful and also probably upsetting for the man who raised my mum, who is more of a father and grandfather than this random man who got my nan pregnant. My mum grew up in a time where being raised by another man than your bio father was shameful, and whilst she's obviously not ashamed now, it's just not something they want to talk about. And Jesus Christ, I would never in a million years have the gall to get in contact with any cousins or aunts and uncles I might have discovered.

I don't have a "right" to know anything, and neither do you. Grow up.

Im at the idea that you just happened across highly sensitive personal documents like an adoption record. Unless your mum actually gave it to you it's a massive breach of trust to go snooping through their personal effects.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your parents don’t discuss their backgrounds because it hurts too much to talk about?

I sympathise with your desire to know the truth. I do not think your desire to know the truth trumps your parents’ evident distress at having the painful past raked up. Your dad was removed from his parents’ care as a child and you seem to think that he should discuss it openly without emotion? You discount your mum as “a doormat” for not wanting to upset her adoptive mother by seeking out her birth family, but that’s not uncommon for adopted children. It shows a sensitivity that should be appreciated and valued, even if it doesn’t fit in with your desire to know more about the family background.

You’ve been, at best, staggeringly insensitive, and the best thing you could do at this stage is to own it and apologise.

But you have every right to know your own history.

It’s not her own history though. She didn’t live it. It’s someone else’s history.

@ConsulTremas

I really love family history research too. However, you need to realise that what’s an interesting area of research for you is actually someone else’s life. I think you’re being unreasonable.

Completely agree with this.

Op, I do think you have behaved very selfishly. You roughshod over your parents views as you felt your feelings were more important. Not in this case they weren't. I think you did forget that this isn't just family research, it's peoples actual lives.

I have been researching my own family history for decades, and now make a living out of researching other people's for them.

I have come to one conclusion - people are weird. People do all sorts of things and make all sorts of weird decisions and every family has its skeletons in the cupboard. So having criminals, illegitimacy, bigamy or other odd stuff in your family tree is nothing to be ashamed of as everyone has that if you research hard enough.

Not everyone is interested in their family history and that's fine too. SOme people would rather not know. I discovered through research that my mother's grandfather died through suicide - she has no idea, it was decades before she was born, and telling her would just upset her. However OP you can't force them to cooperate with you - yes t's your family history and you have the right to investigate and find out what you want to find out, but they also have the right not to tell you things, and not to be interested in what you find out.

To put the adoption issue to one side (you overstepped) I'd be more concerned as to how easily you dismiss your mother's character.

Agree with all the YABU posts and "I didn't ask to be born" is the most immature argument you could make as a justification - particularly ironic when you're talking about someone who has been adopted and might feel that way a hell of a lot more than you but has found a way to deal with it. Reflect on this before you rush into any more research. Think less about your rights and more about others' feelings.

Some dogs are best left sleeping.
Grannie's family on one side came to the UK from Ireland in the 1860s. She always said least said, soonest mended.

Good god.
My father was adopted and he told me when I was about 10. My grandmother told me that they knew who is biological mother was, and they had kept in touch for a while. My dad was asked if he wanted to know who she was, did he want details, contact etc.
He said no, he had two parents already.
Leave your poor mother alone.

Honestly, most people have a few of these secrets in their families. It's hardly some unique burden you're facing.

This.
Also the dysfunction of your family which seems to be a "justifier" is not particularly unique either.

You asked if you were selfish in your OP. The answer in my opinion is yes.

Its not even what you are doing its how you are doing it. You can write reams defending and mitigating behaviour but you admit yourself you unearthed relatives inc. Half siblings?!?! that were a mistake.

I get the vibe from your posts you are either trying to punish your parents for your upbringing, particularly your poor "doormat mother" or you are just pigheaded and lacking in empathy....
I say this as someone whose own mother is a bit of a doormat too. It can be incredibly frustrating to watch her but she doesnt need more advice/abuse from me, just kindness, love and compassion.

As stated, this is my family story too, and yes I do have a 'right' to know. I didn't ask to be born, and not into a family with such a messy background

Your family also have a'right' not to want to delve into this messy background. Neither or you are right or wrong, you've just reached a stalemate. 90% of voters think YABU though, so that should tell you something. My mum was quite secretive about her past, so I do kind of get your frustration but on the other hand I don't think people are defined by their family histories - particularly like in your case where you don't know much about it so how can what some long dead ancestors tell you about yourself anyway? If there is a medical issue you are trying to trace then fair enough, but that doesn't seem to be your motivation.

(and I have my family history back to the 16th century- my dad's parents that is. The ones who brought him up, I suppose I'd be vaguely curious as to who his biological mother was, but not enough to do any snooping that went against his wishes.)

You contacted your mother’s birth family?????? How horrible. What a betrayal of trust. You have no right to do that.

OP of course you have the right to research your own ancestry, despite what some posters say here.

But if your parents don’t want help or hear about your findings - that’s up to them.

I was adopted, and have obtained some records, and though I wanted them for a specfic reason, I found out things which made me sad, stirred up very mixed emotions and it took a toll.

You are being incredibly insensitive and selfish OP, you have no idea what you are meddling with. And you sound like you have bulllied your mother. Grow up.

There’s a reason lots of info is redacted
For around 100 years when researching family trees, so people like you don’t go upset families who may have no knowledge of what you’ve found or adoptions etc. I’d it was a case of your mother not being adopted then I would’ve said ok go ahead but she’s been clear she doesn’t wish to explore that side of her family, regardless of if you think she’s been a push over. You should respect their wishes and when the time appropriate time comes you can research then

Your utter selfishness and inability to see it is breath taking. I don't have the words for how awful you are being to you mother.

Me! ME! ME!!!