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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re H and MIL

128 replies

ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 19:49

I feel like I am probably being a bit unreasonable…

I have 15 months old twins - I don’t trust my MIL to take them anywhere by themselves, and the thought of anyone except me or my mum or H having them fills me with anxiety. I have OCD which I know is partly to blame for the catastrophising I tend to do.

It was agreed with my H and I that his mum when taking the babies for walks would be with someone. She is not all that old, but is a bit doddery non the less and struggles with pushing the pram on hills etc. She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.

AIBU for being annoyed with my H for letting her take the babies for a 2 hour walk on her own?

I know she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally endanger them, but it’s very difficult for me to cope with the situation, which he is aware of, so I feel really upset that he’s done it anyway.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 22/09/2021 19:59

Why is MIL a danger to your children?

Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 20:01

She isn’t a danger to them directly, but I think she doesn’t focus on their needs over her own desires to have them, which causes me to feel stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 20:03

I guess the problem is less my MIL and more my H’s disregard for my feelings.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 22/09/2021 20:04

I guess your H trusts his mum with his children and that's why he's allowed this, did she have any problems on the walk?

luxxlisbon · 22/09/2021 20:06

Is this your MIL in particular or anyone other than you and your own mother?
It doesn’t sound like anything she does is very concerning. Bringing toddlers home because they are crying sounds like a bit of a weird expectation.

I understand you have anxious feelings about this but there comes a point when you have to acknowledge that and put it aside if it is unreasonable. It doesn’t seem like there is really much wrong with a 2 hr walk.

VainAbigail · 22/09/2021 20:06

@ArdoCycle

I guess the problem is less my MIL and more my H’s disregard for my feelings.
He wants his mother to look after his kids. That’s fair enough. She raised him after all.
PlanDeRaccordement · 22/09/2021 20:06

I think YABU. Your OCD is your issue to address. Unless your MIL is neglectful or abusive, it is unfair that you are singling her out in such a way.

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/09/2021 20:08

@ArdoCycle

I guess the problem is less my MIL and more my H’s disregard for my feelings.
But your feelings regarding MIL seem to be unfounded and irrational? It’s not that he is disregarding all your feelings, just this particular one.
Lostmarbles2021 · 22/09/2021 20:10

It is hard if she doesn’t stick to what you agree and leaves them crying.

I had similar. Not bringing back at right time, not taking nappy change out, feeding chocolate before weaned. Lack of understanding of, or respect for, our way of parenting. Tried to talk to MIL about it - Massive rift in family for several months.

In retrospect might have been better to let her do whatever but just not often?

Suzi888 · 22/09/2021 20:11

How old is she?

fuzzymoomin · 22/09/2021 20:13

@ArdoCycle

I guess the problem is less my MIL and more my H’s disregard for my feelings.
But I wonder whether you have disregarded his feelings a bit in not letting MIL have the babies? Of course he will want his mum to spend time with them and care for them, just as you want your mum too, and it important for your babies to know that they have loving and caring grandparents. Suffering with anxiety and OCD is awful, I really sympathise with you there, but that's the issue to work on, not your MIL.
ThinWomansBrain · 22/09/2021 20:13

unless MIL has done/not done something, i'd imagine DH is a bit pissed off for it to be fine for children to spend time with your mother, but not his.

and charging back home the moment one of them cries sounds a tad impractical.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 20:14

How much of this is just your anxiety talking and how much is a real concern? For example, if they were at a park, would she be able to manage if one twin took off running? Could she carry one twin whilst running after the other?

Yes, you may be very anxious, but you may have legitimate concerns, too.

esloquehay · 22/09/2021 20:16

You speak of your DH disregarding your feelings, but is it possible that you disregard his feelings around this?
My obsessive compulsive tendencies can make me pretty myopic, especially when it comes to my children. When my anxiety is high and the thinking and behaviours associated with my OCD are triggered and escalate... I'm really unreasonable.
I don't think our partners should always have to pander to the our disorder, especially where our children are concerned. They are his children, too.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 22/09/2021 20:17

Anxiety and ocd are awful, so I do understand that it’s hard for you.

However, assuming she’s not a danger to your children (which doesn’t seem to be the case from anything you’ve said), I can understand your husband wanting his mum to be able to look after his children.

I think a good test for these situations is to reverse it. If your husband admitted that he felt uncomfortable with your mum having the children alone, what would you do? Would you honour his feelings and put a stop to it, or would you fight her corner and continue to want her to have them?

Catflapkitkat · 22/09/2021 20:17

Doddery? If she is prepared to go on a two hour walk then she can't be too doddery. 15 month olds are quite sturdy - two in a pushchair with drinks/snacks/toys and double stuffed changing bag is enough to make anyone breathless going up a hill. I say that as mum of twins, I used to have to pause for a break on really steep bits.

Unless there is a massive backstory, why not use their time with your MIL to address your OCD/anxiety, seek out some therapy and get some much needed rest. It will benefit you in the long run - especially when they start nursery/childcare.

At 15 months, if they cry - your MIL can deal with it, she doesn't need to bring them home and the first sign of a lip wobble.

Good luck OP

itsgettingwierd · 22/09/2021 20:19

You trust your mum with your twins.

He trusts his.

I understand you have OCD which will include anxiety. I would look at trying some techniques to manage that because as much as I understand why you want DH to respect your feelings I'm sure he also feels the same way.

User5827372728 · 22/09/2021 20:19

And if your H turns around and days he isn’t happy with your mum taking them out?

Horst · 22/09/2021 20:22

My mil once took my oldest because my dh agreed I wasn’t too happy because I didn’t trust her. They where due back say 4pm. 4pm came and went 4:30pm came and went, 5pm I was getting ready to report my son a missing child. My sil finally responded to a text from dh to say they where on their way. They didn’t get home alone for over 6 months after that.

Next time they has him I asked please don’t do X because of Y. 4 months later pictures of them doing X surfaced from the time I asked them not too.

Sometimes you’ve got to trust your feelings.

ironorchids · 22/09/2021 20:31

YANBU.

You had certain wishes regarding your children, that MIL wouldn't look after the children alone, and your husband agreed to those wishes.

He broke that agreement so of course you're reasonable to be upset. If he thought it would be ok then he should have discussed that with you first before simply breaking your agreement. I would be annoyed for that reason alone.

Regarding if it's reasonable to not want your MIL to look after the children alone but be okay with your own mum doing it, is there anything your MIL does that your mum doesn't which is causing this concern?

Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 20:35

If my H said he didn’t want my mum to have them on her own I wouldn’t let her have them on her own. That would be an unlikely scenario though because my mum respects our boundaries even if she doesn’t agree with them. To be fair due to Covid etc no one has had them anyway.

Re crying, that’s more a sort of reference to her having been able to take them on her own when they were smaller during breaks in lockdowns. She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding. Those were the problems that made me feel reluctant to have them go on their own.

I appreciate they aren’t major problems, and it is definitely OCD driven, but it is really stressful for me when this happens which is why I don’t know why he can’t just go with her. What impact would it have on them to walk together, versus the impact on me with her on her own.

She is only 65 but has a breathing condition and previously has had some heart attacks.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 22/09/2021 20:36

I think you are being very unreasonable towards your MIL. She is not dangerous, she is not abusive, she is not neglectful. She just does things differently to you.

Your husband trusts his mother to care for his children. Just as you trust your mother to care for them.

Imagine how you would feel if your husband wanted to restrict your mother from looking after the children.

RazorSharp · 22/09/2021 20:42

You're being unreasonable! She's just being a DGM.

Do access help for your issues, your DH would be wrong to just agree with you. He needs to tell you how he feels.

ironorchids · 22/09/2021 20:42

So your MIL is not respecting your parenting wishes.

You're being completely reasonable. It's not unreasonable not to let anyone who doesn't respect your parenting wishes care for your children.

I'm amazed anyone thinks it is! As if your MIL has some kind of right to be able to look after them on her own, fly in the face to your wishes, and then somehow you're the one being unreasonable for refusing to accept this?

Perfectly reasonable. Trust your own judgement.

tofuschnitzel · 22/09/2021 20:45

I think it would help alleviate your worry if your MIL brought your children home at the agreed time, especially if you are breastfeeding. Pushing the boundaries when you are not ready is just going to ramp up your anxiety. Have you sought treatment for your OCD? I would urge you to do so. I am struggling with post-partum anxiety and depression, and I understand your worries around your MIL. You need a supportive partner, who will slowly help you to challenge your thinking. But I don't think it helps if people don't stick to the agreed plan or boundaries. It helps if I am the one who suggests something, rather than people imposing it on me before I am ready.