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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re H and MIL

128 replies

ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 19:49

I feel like I am probably being a bit unreasonable…

I have 15 months old twins - I don’t trust my MIL to take them anywhere by themselves, and the thought of anyone except me or my mum or H having them fills me with anxiety. I have OCD which I know is partly to blame for the catastrophising I tend to do.

It was agreed with my H and I that his mum when taking the babies for walks would be with someone. She is not all that old, but is a bit doddery non the less and struggles with pushing the pram on hills etc. She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.

AIBU for being annoyed with my H for letting her take the babies for a 2 hour walk on her own?

I know she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally endanger them, but it’s very difficult for me to cope with the situation, which he is aware of, so I feel really upset that he’s done it anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 23/09/2021 03:28

Not as 15 month olds, who wouldn’t generally be crying on a walk, but as small babies of 8/9 weeks I would absolutely have expected them to be brought back if they were hysterical - because they probably wanted fed.

OP posts:

magicalmama · 23/09/2021 03:35

You made a joint decision with your husband about parenting that your husband unilaterally overruled in your absence.

That's the problem and it has nothing to do with OCD. It would be an issue regardless of whether one or both or neither of you have OCD.

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2021 03:50

I don’t think ocd is relevant, and you’re doing yourself a disservice by thinking than might be it. I don’t have any ocd and if either my mother or mil fed my baby formula at 8 weeks I’d have been very vocally what the hell made you think that was ok, give me my baby back. Not bringing them back is also not ok. If our parents didn’t respect my boundaries as their mum they wouldn’t have my baby/babies alone (and if my husband didn’t respect my perfectly natural feelings as the one looking after them nearly 24/7 I’d be waking him every hour at night plus lots else to share in the work not just dictate from on high)
She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding. Those were the problems that made me feel reluctant to have them go on their own.

I appreciate they aren’t major problems, and it is definitely OCD driven,

Rollmopsrule · 23/09/2021 04:09

The feeding formula incident happened well over a year ago. Didn't you address it at the time? How is it relevant now?

Spiindoctor · 23/09/2021 04:45

I think many posters don't realise how tricky it is with twins - sure as fate if one is distressed the other starts. Juggling two 15 month v heavy (if you aren't used to it)babies is demanding.
I'm a v fit DGM and 2 hour walk with a double buggy and two heavy babies?? 20 mins would be plenty, the strain on your wrists, getting up and down pavements is not easy and why would you do a 2 hr walk? Unless you are a regular long distance walker.
Does DGM have lots of DGCs so she is an old hand? if not she should be spending time with babies in their own home, where everything is on hand.

frazzledasarock · 23/09/2021 05:00

I breastfed my babies.

Establishing breastfeeding was a struggle. And if someone had disappeared with my babies and kept them away from me during their feed times I’d have been in agony (never mind out of my mind with worry, who disappears with someone else eight week old baby’s?).

And if that person formula fed my babies I’d be furious. I wanted and was EBF my babies why would someone unilaterally introduce bottles to a tiny breastfed baby without my permission?

I don’t give a shit what feeding choices anyone makes for their babies. I chose to breastfeed mine, and anyone who decided to take it upon themselves to bottle feed my babies without my permission or consulting with me would never be give unsupervised time with my babies again.

Why the hell would anyone firstly even remove tiny breastfed babies from their mum for hours at a time, and why the hell would anyone buy formula for a baby who is breastfed and their mum is perfectly healthy and has chosen to and is able to breastfeed.

Biancadelrioisback · 23/09/2021 05:14

Op, are either of your babies boys?

It's always been so important for me to treat both sets of grandparents equally because I don't want DS to grow up with this weird idea that the parents of the man are less capable and are the first to be disregarded.

Obviously I'm more comfortable with my Mam than I am my MIL as we're very close but I would never stop MIL doing something with DS that my Mam would do ie sleepovers, days out etc.

Balonzette · 23/09/2021 05:24

YABVU.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/09/2021 05:34

I think the walk is a nice compromise.

I am sure MIL would like to have them overnight, have them at her house unsupervised, take them for days out.

You want her to have supervised access only.

IMO, a two hour walk sounds like a really sensible compromise and a good way to build up contact in a way you can cope with.

You must see that, despite dh agreeing that his mum can't ever see her gc unsupervised, you are putting him in a very difficult position. He loves dc as much as you do, and loves his mum too. He presumably thinks that she is safe to care for them. He has to watch your mum having more involvement in his own dc's life, and essentially tell his mum that you don't trust her to keep dc safe.

I would honestly be heartbroken if dil told me that I wasn't trusted to care for gc, even on a short walk, unsupervised. It is the response you would expect if she was very elderly and infirm, very toxic, had history of intentionally neglecting their needs or had put them knowingly in danger. Nothing you have said suggests she deserves this level of patronising supervision and insult.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/09/2021 05:38

@ArdoCycle

Why can’t he have a break in the house whilst she entertains them in their room? Why does a walk have to be involved though.

Because she wanted to feel as trusted as their other gp. Because it is lovely to care for gc without a supervising parent. Because she wants to build a proper relationship, which is hard is a parent is always present because that is who dc defaults to. Because he liked the idea of two hours for himself, trusted his mum, and disagrees with your decision.

Silvetmoon · 23/09/2021 05:53

It’s never unreasonable not to want someone to look after your babies. It doesn’t matter either if your mum looks after them. No relationship is the same.

Silvetmoon · 23/09/2021 05:55

they just weren’t on formula as we were establishing breastfeeding at the time, so it was quite rude in my opinion to be trying to feed them formula behind my back.

Anyone who did this would never be alone with my children.

Spiindoctor · 23/09/2021 06:08

I'm surprised at all these people who take their very small dCs on 2 hour walks without crying, hunger, needing cuddled ......... 2 hours is 6 miles, pushing a double buggy with heavy babies???? really? - oh well, there you go......

Finknottlesnewt · 23/09/2021 06:31

I think that you need to let your husband make some decisions sometimes. The children aren't yours alone with you as the ultimate maker of decisions. You both get a say. Logically this will be you with regard to your parents and him in relation to his parent .

Strictly1 · 23/09/2021 06:35

@ArdoCycle

I’m also not saying she can’t spend time with them, I have no issue with that at all, I just don’t know why spending time has to be alone on a long walk. Why can’t they just walk together.

She probably wants to relax and enjoy being with them and not judged. I'm sorry you're struggling but it's your OCD that is at the root of the problem , not your MIL.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/09/2021 06:40

Sorry, OP but getting out of your house really sounds like it would be a priority for anyone trying to look after your DCs. You sound controlling and stressed and also self absorbed and lacking in empathy for your MIL and DH trying to deal with your condition.

MIL sounds like she has made some GP mistakes, but she is trying to look after them and have a relationship with them. That is a good thing for them and for DH and ultimately for you.

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 23/09/2021 07:28

It’s not about treating both sides equally, because they aren’t equal. One side respects parenting boundaries and the other doesn’t. For me the natural consequence is that one side is more free to have unsupervised contact because I’m not worried they will be trying to feed my babies formula or disappearing for hours at a time.

I also didn’t make a unilateral decision about what contact MIL could have, I’m not an unreasonable person, and I’m aware that I can find it hard to be rational about decisions. My husband isn’t some meek railroaded secondary parent, we make decisions together and if he has a strong opinion on something for them then that is what we do.

I hadn’t considered that there was anything special about getting out on her own with the babies, but a few people have said she will be feeling judged if we are always there. She has mentioned a few times that we don’t trust her with the babies, but the problem is when we do let her do what she wants she never accepts the boundaries. So what am I supposed to do.

If she was told she could walk them on her own for an hour, or to bring them back when they fall asleep because they will sleep better in the house, this is disregarded. Twins are difficult to co-ordinate and it’s unfair to ruin routines to satisfy your own needs.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 23/09/2021 08:51

@ironorchids

So your MIL is not respecting your parenting wishes.

You're being completely reasonable. It's not unreasonable not to let anyone who doesn't respect your parenting wishes care for your children.

I'm amazed anyone thinks it is! As if your MIL has some kind of right to be able to look after them on her own, fly in the face to your wishes, and then somehow you're the one being unreasonable for refusing to accept this?

Perfectly reasonable. Trust your own judgement.

This.

Your husband was wrong.

I wouldn't be allowing anyone who didn't follow my wishes mind my children.

Very disrespectful of your husband.
Sounds like neither your husband or MIL are trustworthy.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/09/2021 10:39

MIL has mentioned a few times that we don’t trust her with the babies, but the problem is when we do let her do what she wants she never accepts the boundaries

if she wants your trust, she has to earn it by respecting your parenting wishes.
She lost that trust when she deliberately delayed return home to feed formula to EBF 8 week old twin.
As previous poster said, its not poison, of course it isn't but there are a whole range of issues, when a mother is still in the relatively early stages of BF, especially twins, like being bursting with milk which the babies are no longer hungry for which can be very painful, so it was a significant disregard of OP's wishes and best interests.
It doesn't matter if this was early on, it damaged trust.

OP has said repeatedly that she doesn't mind her MIL being with the children, just not on long walks where she doesn't keep in touch. They can rebuild the trust.

LadyDanburysHat · 23/09/2021 10:53

I think your OP was not really clear enough. This is not about your OCD, this is about your MIL not respecting your parenting decisions, and therefore she can't be trusted to have the babies alone.

Stonerosie67 · 23/09/2021 11:02

MIL sounds like she has made some GP mistakes, but she is trying to look after them and have a relationship with them. That is a good thing for them and for DH and ultimately for you.

Absolutely this

Somethingsnappy · 23/09/2021 11:06

When I read your first post, I thought you were possibly being a little unreasonable, due to anxiety. But having read your update, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Giving your babies a bottle against your wishes when you were breastfeeding would have been enough, by itself, for me to not let her have them alone again. But if she has had a few heart attacks, that alone would be a cause for concern. I wouldn't think sole charge of babies/toddlers would be a good idea in that situation, no! No wonder you are upset. That cannot be helping your anxiety.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2021 12:13

The woman tried to feed them formula ffs no wonder the op doesnt trust her
I wouldnt let anyon neaer my kids i didnt trust

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 23/09/2021 14:02

I think going forward I need to work on building up trust, it’s just tricky when I already anticipate if I said why don’t you take them for a walk round the block it would not just be a walk round the block. I know from her point of view she can’t see anything wrong with wanting to spend time with them, and lots of people here agree, but I think the fact she won’t even consider that there’s a reason why I’ve asked for something to happen or not happen makes it hard to try and build that relationship. I will definitely work on it, because I don’t want my H to feel caught in the middle.

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2021 20:06

I don’t want my H to feel caught in the middle

Yes he is in the middle, but he should be backing you up on parenting decisions. At the moment he's promising one thing to you, and then allowing his mother to ignore your wishes and do as she likes, yet you feel obliged to work on things to make them happier.

Perhaps they should also be making an effort to build trust?

I'd rather have him keep his promises.

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