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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re H and MIL

128 replies

ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 19:49

I feel like I am probably being a bit unreasonable…

I have 15 months old twins - I don’t trust my MIL to take them anywhere by themselves, and the thought of anyone except me or my mum or H having them fills me with anxiety. I have OCD which I know is partly to blame for the catastrophising I tend to do.

It was agreed with my H and I that his mum when taking the babies for walks would be with someone. She is not all that old, but is a bit doddery non the less and struggles with pushing the pram on hills etc. She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.

AIBU for being annoyed with my H for letting her take the babies for a 2 hour walk on her own?

I know she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally endanger them, but it’s very difficult for me to cope with the situation, which he is aware of, so I feel really upset that he’s done it anyway.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 22/09/2021 20:45

@ArdoCycle

If my H said he didn’t want my mum to have them on her own I wouldn’t let her have them on her own. That would be an unlikely scenario though because my mum respects our boundaries even if she doesn’t agree with them. To be fair due to Covid etc no one has had them anyway.

Re crying, that’s more a sort of reference to her having been able to take them on her own when they were smaller during breaks in lockdowns. She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding. Those were the problems that made me feel reluctant to have them go on their own.

I appreciate they aren’t major problems, and it is definitely OCD driven, but it is really stressful for me when this happens which is why I don’t know why he can’t just go with her. What impact would it have on them to walk together, versus the impact on me with her on her own.

She is only 65 but has a breathing condition and previously has had some heart attacks.

Get some help for your OCD. You can’t go on like this and you don’t want it getting worse and impacting your kids directly in the future.
Pebbledashery · 22/09/2021 20:46

But she/he is your husbands child too. Is he not allowed to make parental decisions also? Does absolutely everything have to be run past you?

Applesandpears23 · 22/09/2021 20:48

Trust your gut. If you don’t think she respects you then don’t let anyone tell you it is fine. She isn’t entitled to a ‘turn on her own’. They are your children not toys.

Redsquirrel5 · 22/09/2021 20:50

Sounds like she has given you enough to give you concern. He should back you up.

custardbear · 22/09/2021 20:51

You have a DH problem, and your OCD. He needs to set boundaries with her amd challenge when she breaks them

godmum56 · 22/09/2021 20:52

@ArdoCycle

If my H said he didn’t want my mum to have them on her own I wouldn’t let her have them on her own. That would be an unlikely scenario though because my mum respects our boundaries even if she doesn’t agree with them. To be fair due to Covid etc no one has had them anyway.

Re crying, that’s more a sort of reference to her having been able to take them on her own when they were smaller during breaks in lockdowns. She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding. Those were the problems that made me feel reluctant to have them go on their own.

I appreciate they aren’t major problems, and it is definitely OCD driven, but it is really stressful for me when this happens which is why I don’t know why he can’t just go with her. What impact would it have on them to walk together, versus the impact on me with her on her own.

She is only 65 but has a breathing condition and previously has had some heart attacks.

where did she get the bottle from?
Flowers500 · 22/09/2021 20:58

@Applesandpears23

Trust your gut. If you don’t think she respects you then don’t let anyone tell you it is fine. She isn’t entitled to a ‘turn on her own’. They are your children not toys.
That is unbelievably terrible advice to someone with diagnosed OCD and anxiety. She has a literal medical condition that makes her “gut” claim everything is going to harm…
Lotusmonster · 22/09/2021 21:00

I suggest you sit down with your H and compile a list of your risks (perceived or real) and your worries. Try to think rationally about the possible consequences of these risks…as hard as that may be. Try to think about which risks are real and which are either v unlikely to ever materialise. Bear in mind, that no risk in life can ever be completely eliminated….theoretically we could step outside the front door and be stuck by a meteorite!
Maybe then build up some smaller trips with MIL and the DC. You have to expose yourself OP to some of these fears and understand that by doing so you can break the OCD cycle and appease your anxiety. It’s about taking measured risks not totally avoiding.

Hattie765 · 22/09/2021 21:02

@ArdoCycle

I guess the problem is less my MIL and more my H’s disregard for my feelings.
The problem is though that you're disregarding his feelings. So you will allow your mother to have the child but think it's acceptable to deny your husband the choice of allowing his own mother to take your child? He's her parent too and gets an equal say no? Living with OCD is difficult and I feel bad for you in that but it's your issue to sort out.
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 21:03

I see a counsellor for the OCD problem, because it can be very disruptive at times.

I don’t think the point is whether she is abusive etc, she definitely isn’t, I’m not concerned she will abuse them or neglect them, but why is she entitled to disregard my wishes as their mum. I get that people can parent differently, but she isn’t their parent.

I trust my husband to make insightful parenting decisions, but he knows I have a lot of anxiety about the babies being alone with his mum, so I don’t think it would be right for him to just over rule my feelings. He agreed that she wouldn’t have them out and about on her own, it’s not that I made a unilateral decision.

My friend asked if I would feel the same if she took the babies, and honestly I wouldn’t be worried about their safety, but I would still be uncomfortable about it. So not I guess particular to MIL, except I also don’t think they are fully safe with her because I think her desire to be in charge of them means she isn’t as insightful.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 22/09/2021 21:04

Your h is also a parent. If MIL offered maybe he took an hour to himself as a priority over joining them on a walk. Yabu.

Etinox · 22/09/2021 21:08

“Some heart attacks?”
If this is true of course yanbu to want her to take you 15 month old twins out alone for 2 hours.

Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 21:13

She had 3 heart attacks a few years ago and got stents - so hopefully that’s cured the problem, but it’s still an underlying concern which I don’t have with my own mum. My mum also on the rare occasion she takes them will take them for the agreed amount of time and if she’s delayed coming back for any reason will just send me a text. Which all obviously sounds ridiculous, but allows me to manage the anxiety whilst also challenging it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 21:14

I’m also not saying she can’t spend time with them, I have no issue with that at all, I just don’t know why spending time has to be alone on a long walk. Why can’t they just walk together.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 22/09/2021 21:24

@ArdoCycle

I’m also not saying she can’t spend time with them, I have no issue with that at all, I just don’t know why spending time has to be alone on a long walk. Why can’t they just walk together.
so but where did she get the bottle from?
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 21:26

She brought bottles of premixed formula with her on the walk.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 22/09/2021 21:35

You have to trust your own judgement. They’re your children. My in-laws don’t look after my children unsupervised but my own parents do look after them. It’s not to do with anxiety or favouritism. My in laws just aren’t up to it and my DH agrees. They’re older, their health isn’t great and they’re reckless and easily flustered. You and your DH just need to be on the same page that’s all. Could you spend some time with your MIL with your DC to make sure she’s not up to it and give your DH some examples? Or spend more time with her and then and it might reassure you that she is up to it after all?

Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 22:10

She is fine playing with them in their room etc, but wouldn’t for example to able to have them at a park (which is difficult enough for me!). My Husband agrees that he wouldn’t leave them with her for a day on her own or anything, whereas he would have no issue doing that with my parents. It’s not just me who thinks she isn’t necessarily fit for them, but he doesn’t have any issues at all with unsupervised walks. We disagree on that point, but we had agreed it wouldn’t happen until I was more comfortable.

We had tried previously, but she just doesn’t follow the rules, re how long to be out for etc.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 22/09/2021 22:10

I'm sorry but you're being unreasonable. It's not all about you. Your baby has two parents. Your husband is allowed to make decisions too. Not everything has to be agreed in advance with you.

Offmyfence · 22/09/2021 22:16

@ArdoCycle

She had 3 heart attacks a few years ago and got stents - so hopefully that’s cured the problem, but it’s still an underlying concern which I don’t have with my own mum. My mum also on the rare occasion she takes them will take them for the agreed amount of time and if she’s delayed coming back for any reason will just send me a text. Which all obviously sounds ridiculous, but allows me to manage the anxiety whilst also challenging it.
So your mum on the rare occasions she's walked them had also been late? Why?
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 22:24

My husband is definitely allowed to make decisions, but we made a decision in this and then he decided to do something different. Surely most people make parenting decisions together, just because we’re both able to make independent decisions doesn’t mean that’s a sensible way to parent.

I guess when people are out walking they can get chatting etc or lose track of time, I don’t know why she’s been late. It’s not really been a concern so long as I know what’s happening.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 22/09/2021 22:24

If anyone fed my EBF babies formula is never let them have my DC again.

She doesn’t sound like she gives a shit about the babies or you.

Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 22:28

Yea the formula thing is an ongoing issue. There’s a reluctance to believe you can feed twins, and also people like to feed little babies so they were missing out because I was feeding them myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArdoCycle · 22/09/2021 22:28

She definitely cares about the babies, she is really good at playing with them etc, she just doesn’t respect our boundaries/my boundaries/ the routines etc

OP posts:
StinkingCold · 22/09/2021 22:41

Though you may well have OCD and anxiety, your concerns about your mother in law do not appear to be manifestations of OCD and anxiety. They seem like valid and rational concerns. I was never that keen on other people taking my babies and toddlers out. It's fairly normal for mums to feel.like that, and especially if the person taking your child out is not looking after them as you have asked. It's also totally reasonable to feel a bit annoyed with your DH who you had already spoken to about this and had agreed together he would go out with his mum and not let her take the twins herself.

I'd be careful about raising your diagnoses and putting them out there, because others will automatically see you as irrational and blame you and see your behaviour through the lens of mental health, when in fact, everything you have raised seems perfectly.normal.and reasonable to me.

Also, just because you have OCD and anxiety doesn't mean you are always the one in the wrong or that you can't have legitimate and rational views, perspectives and opinions that differ from others.