AIBU re H and MIL

[ArdoCycle]

I feel like I am probably being a bit unreasonable…

I have 15 months old twins - I don’t trust my MIL to take them anywhere by themselves, and the thought of anyone except me or my mum or H having them fills me with anxiety. I have OCD which I know is partly to blame for the catastrophising I tend to do.

It was agreed with my H and I that his mum when taking the babies for walks would be with someone. She is not all that old, but is a bit doddery non the less and struggles with pushing the pram on hills etc. She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.

AIBU for being annoyed with my H for letting her take the babies for a 2 hour walk on her own?

I know she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally endanger them, but it’s very difficult for me to cope with the situation, which he is aware of, so I feel really upset that he’s done it anyway.

@ThinWomansBrain

unless MIL has done/not done something, i'd imagine DH is a bit pissed off for it to be fine for children to spend time with your mother, but not his.

and charging back home the moment one of them cries sounds a tad impractical.

Hopefully your OH will ban his MIL from taking his children out, as he has every right to.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I don’t want my H to feel caught in the middle

Yes he is in the middle, but he should be backing you up on parenting decisions. At the moment he's promising one thing to you, and then allowing his mother to ignore your wishes and do as she likes, yet you feel obliged to work on things to make them happier.

Perhaps they should also be making an effort to build trust?

I'd rather have him keep his promises.

Why should husbands have to 'support' the mother's opinions? Maybe he has a different opinion which is just as valid. So many mothers on here seem to bully the child's father into accepting 'it's my way or the highway' then wonder why they lose any interest.

Because they are co-parenting, they should be able to work out a compromise together, but he shouldn’t be promising her one thing and then agreeing with his mum that her feelings as the main caregiver don’t matter so they should directly go against her wishes.
If it’s OK to disrupt BFeeding behind her back, that doesn’t reassure her about future request. She wasn’t asking fir the moon and sun to have her 8 week old babies home on time so that she could feed time, or to stay in contact if there’s a delay.
Also it’s not a good way to build trust between them as the twins grow older.

@frazzledasarock

I breastfed my babies.

Establishing breastfeeding was a struggle. And if someone had disappeared with my babies and kept them away from me during their feed times I’d have been in agony (never mind out of my mind with worry, who disappears with someone else eight week old baby’s?).

And if that person formula fed my babies I’d be furious. I wanted and was EBF my babies why would someone unilaterally introduce bottles to a tiny breastfed baby without my permission?

I don’t give a shit what feeding choices anyone makes for their babies. I chose to breastfeed mine, and anyone who decided to take it upon themselves to bottle feed my babies without my permission or consulting with me would never be give unsupervised time with my babies again.

Why the hell would anyone firstly even remove tiny breastfed babies from their mum for hours at a time, and why the hell would anyone buy formula for a baby who is breastfed and their mum is perfectly healthy and has chosen to and is able to breastfeed.

This. Your MIL didn’t respect your wishes and boundaries. If she was my MIL she would never have unsupervised access again and I would expect DH to step up and have my back.

I feel like the whole thing is just quite complicated, and it was a mistake for me to be so irritated by him letting her take them, because after talking to him about it, I can see that he didn’t have the energy to keep fighting her on it, he’s not in a great place due to lockdown wfh and two babies who don’t sleep well. So I accept me being grumpy about it all wasn’t the most constructive approach, though it is hard not to be emotional with this stuff.

I know he doesn’t see it as so big an issue to unsupervised contact, but equally it’s not that I just made a unilateral decision and expected him to fall in line. It was discussed and we had an agreement, so to my mind if he wants to vary the terms of that agreement we should talk about it.

As it stands I wanted to try and fix it all a bit so suggested MIL took them for a walk for an hour today, and asked her to be back by 11 so they could get some food before their nap. They didn’t come back until almost 12 as they had apparently fallen asleep so what was the point in rushing home.

So I actually don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it, because I just don’t think it’s fair that I try and move my position because maybe it wasn’t entirely reasonable, or borne from an old grudge about breastfeeding or something, and there’s no attempt on her part to accept boundaries.

Dear God you honestly sound like such hard work and this is coming from someone who suffers from anxiety and OCD too. Sure, your MIL has clearly made mistakes and she undoubtedly will do so again but she loves them and wants to spend time with them so let her. Your kids will benefit from having a close relationship with all of their grandparents.

Have you spoken to her directly? Like if she returns an hour late, then tell her she won’t be taking them out again?

It’s definitely a dh problem, sod he’s working from home and found it difficult. He’s prioritised his mother’s feelings over yours, that’s the hinge point. He needs to back you up and tell her she brings them back when told or not take them without him. There’s no guarantee she won’t have more heart attacks/health issues.

I don’t really see how wanting to know where my small children are makes me hard work. Or wanting to keep them in a routine. Or wanting someone to respect my parenting choices. Is it just because it’s a MIL issue? I’ve known her basically my entire life, and it’s not that I inherently dislike her, but she has been difficult and dismissive of my feelings since the babies were born which obviously adds a strain.

My husband tried to say something to her today along the lines of if you want to have them on your own you have to bring them back on time, but everything just gets dismissed with an eyeroll and an “I managed to raise you didn’t I”

YANBU and I cannot understand why anyone thinks you are.

She doesn’t care for your feelings and is disrespecting the boundaries that you and your husband agreed on. It seems he just wants to stop her nagging at the expense of your feelings despite the agreement you two made together.

I will never understand why it is so f-ing hard for some grandparents to listen to the parents and not force their own views and actions upon children that are not theirs. I don’t think it is that difficult to bring back a child at the time that was agreed (unless something happened, but you would notify the parents asap anyway). I definitely don’t think it’s difficult to not give formula to a breastfed child knowing the mother is exclusively breastfeeding. It is definitely not difficult to do what has been asked and not overstep because again not your children. You have a DH problem, but also you need to say something to her yourself because obviously your husband is going to give into her for an easier life on that end which says a lot if this is a common occurrence. She’s going to keep doing it as long as he lets her and you stay quiet. Speak up and say that every time she ignores what you have agreed on that you lose trust in her and you don’t want your children being with people you can’t trust. She raised her children and that’s great but the twins are you and your husband’s and you will raise them your own way like she got to do with hers and if she is going to continue to ignore and overstep than she can not take them out alone.

*then

I don't blame you for the way you feel, they are yours and your husbands children and if you are not comfortable with other people looking after them then that's your choice. They are your children. I have a 3 year old DD, and no one apart from myself or OH has looked after her since she was born, I don't trust anyone as much as I trust myself/partner. That doesn't mean I distrust other people particularly but I know they may not pay as much attention as me. It is my job as a mother to loom out for my child's well being and that's exactly why I don't feel comfortable with other people watching her

They can still have a good relationship with their grandparents but you can be there at the same time

You are not unreasonable - she is not showing any respect for you.

Feeding infants formula and refusing to bring them back to their mother on time - both highly disrespectful.

Your husband was wrong for going against what you have agreed. If he wanted to change the agreement, he needed to talk to you first.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. Whether she agrees with your parenting or not, she needs to respect your boundaries. We had similar issues with my partners mum. For example, she refused to wind one of our children as much as was needed whilst giving her a bottle. The result was she’d puke the whole bottle up. Then her whole routine was out, she’d be unsettled, she’d be awake at night cos she was hungry and obviously we were shattered. When my partner would say anything, we’d get eye rolling and ‘you’d think I hadn’t raised 4 children’. In the end I had to say, that whilst you may have raised 4 kids, they’re all different and what’s good for one doesn’t work with the next. It didn’t go down well. She very much can’t take advice on anything as she knows everything already. She used to lie as well if we weren’t there but we had another child who would tell us that his sister had been sick after her bottle and that ‘nanny didn’t wind her again’. MIL also used to try to stop my children coming to me for comfort if they were upset or hurt. She’d try to grab them and hold them saying ‘it’s ok, nanny’s here’ whilst they got more and more upset and calling ‘mummy’. We also didn’t let her take the kids out alone, she wasn’t quick enough and one of my kids was a ‘runner’ as a toddler. She’d also get distracted easily talking to people and expect a child of 2 to not wonder off. I don’t doubt she loved them but she wasn’t capable of looking after them properly. She was just desperate to prove she was in charge. 😬 As our children got older it became other issues. Over the years, we grew tired of it, as have our kids and we don’t see much of her at all.

Luckily for me, my partner had her weighed up and made it very clear that she wasn’t going to just do what she wanted but it certainly caused some bad feeling. You need to make sure your husband is with you on this and put your foot down as it’ll just continue and get worse. I’ve told my kids to firmly put us in our place if we ever act like her.

@ArdoCycle

I don’t really see how wanting to know where my small children are makes me hard work. Or wanting to keep them in a routine. Or wanting someone to respect my parenting choices. Is it just because it’s a MIL issue? I’ve known her basically my entire life, and it’s not that I inherently dislike her, but she has been difficult and dismissive of my feelings since the babies were born which obviously adds a strain.

My husband tried to say something to her today along the lines of if you want to have them on your own you have to bring them back on time, but everything just gets dismissed with an eyeroll and an “I managed to raise you didn’t I”

Your babies your rules…. You’ve given her another chance and yet again she’s totally ignored your wishes and done exactly what she wants to.

MIL we have asked you to return the babies at a certain time and yet once again you have ignored that. As you are clearly not prepared to accept our wishes, we will not be allowing you to have the babies on your own again. You may visit in our home only.

Your MIL sounds extremely annoying and disrespectful of your parenting, and I cannot understand why anyone thinks you are the problem.

You’re not.

If you didn’t mention that you have OCD and you posted that your MIL consistently disregards your instructions about your baby’s routine and feeding choices, MN would support you usually.

This isn’t about your OCD and it’s not that she’s your MIL not your mum.

Not only are you NOT hard work you sound extremely patient.

Your MIL is so disrespectful and between the bottle feeding and not returning when asked, I'd now be done.

I think you need now to stop trying to facilitate everyone's feelings except your own.

She reared her own child but she is NOT rearing yours.

You need to step back now.

This won't get better.

She should be trying to make things easier but she is only making things harder, which when you have twins is unforgivable.

Perhaps your husband needs to go stay with his mother if he isn't man enough to stand up for his wife but I would not be allowing her access to the children as she has neither kindness nor respect towards their mother.

Stick to your guns.

Life is so tricky sometimes with so many people to balance! I don’t want to keep the babies from their granny because I don’t doubt she loves them and wouldn’t do anything intentionally dangerous, it just makes me life more difficult when she sort of runs amok and tries to strong-arm me into things I’m not happy about.

If she's pushing these boundaries now imagine how much worse it will be as they get bigger. So now is the time to take a stand or it will never end. Read all the other threads about difficult parents in law not respecting parenting decisions - I bet they wish they had nippedd it in the bud as soon as it started.

Husband needs to give her a warning and ultimatum - next time is her last chance to prove she can work within your mutually agreed rules and earn you & DH's trust. He needs to be clear and firm that if she brings them back late she will not get another chance to take them out on her own again.

Has he always been inclined to give in to her for a peaceful life? Has she always been selfish and expected to get her own way? Was DH's husband in the habit of giving in as well? If so maybe it's a learned habit for him. If so now he his is a father he needs to learn to stay strong and not give up in the face of her pressure and eye rolling.

Sit him down and have another chat. Acknowledge she is hard work and forceful and it's difficult to say no to her, but you need his support so she sticks to the rules.

sorry of course that's meant to say "Dh's father/her husband" .....

@ArdoCycle

If my H said he didn’t want my mum to have them on her own I wouldn’t let her have them on her own. That would be an unlikely scenario though because my mum respects our boundaries even if she doesn’t agree with them. To be fair due to Covid etc no one has had them anyway.

Re crying, that’s more a sort of reference to her having been able to take them on her own when they were smaller during breaks in lockdowns. She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding. Those were the problems that made me feel reluctant to have them go on their own.

I appreciate they aren’t major problems, and it is definitely OCD driven, but it is really stressful for me when this happens which is why I don’t know why he can’t just go with her. What impact would it have on them to walk together, versus the impact on me with her on her own.

She is only 65 but has a breathing condition and previously has had some heart attacks.

Sorry but for him to go with her would be basically pandering to issues that you need to address.

Rachie1973 - in what way would it be pandering to follow an agreed upon course of action?

My concern would be as they get older and more boisterous.
I had two very energetic boys 20 months apart and there came a stage where it was obvious my DM ( approaching 75 ) was not able to keep them safe, especially in a catching them and stopping them running into danger scenario.
She also ignored my wishes, to the point where I couldn't trust her with them unsupervised. There were so many incidents where she did things despite warnings of how fast and active they were that it became quite a worry.

I was going to suggest you letting her take them out for an hour or so and see how it goes. I saw that you did that and she didn't return home and the time discussed. Did she text you to say that she was going to be late?

If I were you now, I'd be saying no. I asked you to bring them back at 11am and you didn't bring them back at that time and depending on whether she let you know or know I'd be also letting her know that she didn't even text to let you know that she was going to be late.

So we expect men to treat us as equals, but it is ok for us to not allow them choices over their own children?

I'm not saying you are wrong or right but you don't seem to respect your DH.