AIBU re H and MIL

[ArdoCycle]

I feel like I am probably being a bit unreasonable…

I have 15 months old twins - I don’t trust my MIL to take them anywhere by themselves, and the thought of anyone except me or my mum or H having them fills me with anxiety. I have OCD which I know is partly to blame for the catastrophising I tend to do.

It was agreed with my H and I that his mum when taking the babies for walks would be with someone. She is not all that old, but is a bit doddery non the less and struggles with pushing the pram on hills etc. She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.

AIBU for being annoyed with my H for letting her take the babies for a 2 hour walk on her own?

I know she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally endanger them, but it’s very difficult for me to cope with the situation, which he is aware of, so I feel really upset that he’s done it anyway.

That’s actually a really helpful perspective stinking cold!

The formula thing is outrageous. If that’s not how you want them fed she had no business keeping them away from you and bottle feeding them.

Yanbu and it's a shame people can't see past your OCD. She can't respect your boundaries and your partner ignored the agreement you had made. Shitty behaviour the pair of them.

@StinkingCold

Though you may well have OCD and anxiety, your concerns about your mother in law do not appear to be manifestations of OCD and anxiety. They seem like valid and rational concerns. I was never that keen on other people taking my babies and toddlers out. It's fairly normal for mums to feel.like that, and especially if the person taking your child out is not looking after them as you have asked. It's also totally reasonable to feel a bit annoyed with your DH who you had already spoken to about this and had agreed together he would go out with his mum and not let her take the twins herself.

I'd be careful about raising your diagnoses and putting them out there, because others will automatically see you as irrational and blame you and see your behaviour through the lens of mental health, when in fact, everything you have raised seems perfectly.normal.and reasonable to me.

Also, just because you have OCD and anxiety doesn't mean you are always the one in the wrong or that you can't have legitimate and rational views, perspectives and opinions that differ from others.

I completely agree with this.

And I don't think you're being unreasonable. I didn't let anyone take my babies out alone at that age either, not least because I was BFing on demand.

I also especially didn't want my own mother handling my baby – she was 70+ by the time I had my first, and even sat down with him on her lap as a newborn, she nearly dropped him (I caught him).
Mil also had no concept of traffic, and walked him in his pram out onto a road without looking. Luckily we were with her at the time and pulled her back. Had we not, it could have been really bad. Yes, she raised their father, but the GPs are that much older now, and certainly not as competent or fit as they were when they had their own children. None of the GPs could run to catch a runaway toddler. Mine can only now outrun me now they are seven+, and at an age I know they won't run into traffic.

Hi @ThreeLittleDots I totally get what you’re saying. My twins are a month older and I’m slowly getting used to my parents looking after them. The point about walking the pushchair down hills struck a chord....I still have visions of my mum falling down the hill when she’s out on a walk and the pushchair ending up in the road.
I would say talk to your DH and explain why you are anxious, and take it slowly with other people looking after them.
My DM tried to push formula on SO MANY occasions but I put my foot down and told her she needed to respect my parenting if she wanted to look after them. Good luck!

I guess you're disregarding his feelings by policing his mother with them, whereas you're happy for yours to take them. Without any real cause for concern, I see why he would find that unfair tbh.
Unless there's a drip feed that she is abusive, a raging alcoholic etc, YABU.

This thread is about to get derailed about feeding but the DCs are 15months and I am not surprised that your DH wants his mother involved. She should be. And I think you are being over anxious about the length of walks. Your DH needs a break too.

Why can’t he have a break in the house whilst she entertains them in their room? Why does a walk have to be involved though.

YANBU. I don't think your concerns about your MIL are caused by your anxiety and OCD. They're caused by her caring for your children her way when it should be your way. I'm horrified that she fed them a bottle when you were EBF. Mumsnet is weird sometimes.
It will get easier as they get older. Which tends to happen surprisingly quickly, sadly!

@StinkingCold

Though you may well have OCD and anxiety, your concerns about your mother in law do not appear to be manifestations of OCD and anxiety. They seem like valid and rational concerns. I was never that keen on other people taking my babies and toddlers out. It's fairly normal for mums to feel.like that, and especially if the person taking your child out is not looking after them as you have asked. It's also totally reasonable to feel a bit annoyed with your DH who you had already spoken to about this and had agreed together he would go out with his mum and not let her take the twins herself.

I'd be careful about raising your diagnoses and putting them out there, because others will automatically see you as irrational and blame you and see your behaviour through the lens of mental health, when in fact, everything you have raised seems perfectly.normal.and reasonable to me.

Also, just because you have OCD and anxiety doesn't mean you are always the one in the wrong or that you can't have legitimate and rational views, perspectives and opinions that differ from others.

This. and She would take them and then not be back when she was supposed to be back, or would have walked them further when they had woken crying for a feed rather than bring them back or tried to keep them out and feed them a bottle even though they were breastfeeding and the fact that previously she brought her own formula bottles with her to purposely feed them formula when they were breastfeeding.

It all comes down to trust.
OP had an agreement with her husband, which he ignored.
MIL ignores her wishes too.
Her own mum takes her wishes into account and keeps in touch by text, so she can trust her mum to respect her wishes but she can't trust MIL.
She's not banning MIL from being with them. OP is happy to let MIL play with them etc, but is not happy about unsupervised two hour walks. Yet two hour walks are insisted on by both DH who can't be bothered to go with them, and MIL.
Both her DH and MIL know that she will be made anxious by this, yet they decide to go ahead and do it anyway because they want to.

If someone decided that they would feed my children formula and disrupt breastfeeding which must be difficult enough with twins I would be furious and I wouldn't trust them either.
Doesn't matter whether she has OCD or not.

Stand up for yourself OP, and stop letting people tell you its just OCD, so they will do whatever they like whether you agree or not.

Why does a walk have to be involved though

OP, you sound hard hard work. A caring dedicated mum, but hard work as a person to be around especially in your house with OCD. Please think about why MIL or anyone else might want to get out and go for a walk rather than stay in. She probably thinks she is giving you a break and is doing it to be kind.

I guess I probably could be hard work, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set this small boundary. Why can’t they walk together. I don’t think it is kind when they know it causes anxiety.

I must admit at first I thought you were being OTT about your MIL, but my ex used to take dd out and not return at the time he said he would or get in touch and it was awful. That was in the days before mobile phones, so your MIL has even less excuse for not telling you where she is.

@ArdoCycle

My husband is definitely allowed to make decisions, but we made a decision in this and then he decided to do something different. Surely most people make parenting decisions together, just because we’re both able to make independent decisions doesn’t mean that’s a sensible way to parent.

I guess when people are out walking they can get chatting etc or lose track of time, I don’t know why she’s been late. It’s not really been a concern so long as I know what’s happening.

Tbh I think your husband agreed with you but actually thought you were being unreasonable. Your condition leads you to believe that your anxieties are proportionate. It doesn't sound that your husband really agrees with you. By the way, getting your mum to text you isn't challenging your OCD it's fuelling it because it's seeking and receiving reassurance.

???
It sounds completely normal to ask someone who is out with your two young children, to text you if they might be late.
Its not normal to refuse to keep in touch and deliberately keep breastfed babies out later than promised, in order to feed them up with formula when the Mum is waiting at home, full of milk, and ready to breastfeed them.

I'm not trying to sound offensive or antagonistic here OP, but you are describing yourself as being more of a risk to looking after these children than your MIL.......

@frazzledasarock

If anyone fed my EBF babies formula is never let them have my DC again.

She doesn’t sound like she gives a shit about the babies or you.

If anyone fed my EBF babies formula is never let them have my DC again.

What utter, utter, utter unnecessary nonsense! What an extreme overreaction, it's not poison ffs!

Get help

@ArdoCycle

I guess I probably could be hard work, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set this small boundary. Why can’t they walk together. I don’t think it is kind when they know it causes anxiety.

I'm going to try and be gentle.

I have a relative with diagnosed anxiety. It's an awful condition and you have my sympathy.

That said, my experience was that my relative used her anxiety as a crutch to maintain control of any situation, regardless of the impact on anyone else.

Everyone was expected to confirm to their "demands" (some perfectly reasonable others bonkers) so as not to increase their mental anxiety.

The expectations became intolerable impacting major family events (such as demands on how someone else's wedding was located/planned/seated etc etc).

Upshot is everyone stoped enabling the behaviour. Life got better.

You need to separate your legitimate issues from your anxiety.

It's reasonable to expect that if your MIL takes your twins for a walk, that's she's back when she says she will be or texts to explain why she might be late (late meaning 5/10 mins). If she won't do that the she doesn't get to take them out.

It's reasonable that your MIL should not be buying bottles/formula for BF babies. If she does this again, she can't be trusted to supervise the twins alone.

It's not reasonable to say because she has stents that she is not fit to take the children for a walk (my MIL had a stent fitted after a heart attack).

It's not reasonable to say you are ok with your parents looking after the twins but not your MIL because of your anxiety. It is ok to say it's because your parents follow your parenting rules (I'm assuming they do) and she doesn't).

On the positive side she is obviously wanting to be engaged as a grandmother. We see so many threads where posters are so sad that they get no engagement at all.

My own experience is that all sets of grandparents have greatly enriched my DS/DSD's lives.

Their collective love and experience has been beneficial. But we've not always agreed - but that's ok, because ultimately as a parent I get the last word - but I do listen to their views (and sometimes discard them rapidly ).

What I'm trying to say is that you need to separate your MH issues from the legitimate concerns you have about practical care of your twins re:MIL.

Good luck

@Rrrob

Hi *@ThreeLittleDots* I totally get what you’re saying. My twins are a month older and I’m slowly getting used to my parents looking after them. The point about walking the pushchair down hills struck a chord....I still have visions of my mum falling down the hill when she’s out on a walk and the pushchair ending up in the road. I would say talk to your DH and explain why you are anxious, and take it slowly with other people looking after them. My DM tried to push formula on SO MANY occasions but I put my foot down and told her she needed to respect my parenting if she wanted to look after them. Good luck!

Get a wrist strap to attach to the handle. I used one, it was such a massive anxiety-reliever!

@frazzledasarock

If anyone fed my EBF babies formula is never let them have my DC again.

She doesn’t sound like she gives a shit about the babies or you.

YANBU
Ask your DH to make a list of the 10 most important points to him re: your twins care. Tell your DH that (at the same time) you’ll make a list of the 10 most important points re: your twins care.
Do not judge or patronise your DH’s priorities!
Sit down together and review your lists.
If/when your DH includes “my mother looks after our twins and builds her grandmotherly relationship with them independently of us” then you must respect that and ultimately agree that your MIL can/will look after your twins in your home while you and DH go out. No need for MIL to take them out and (very importantly) you will have time to have a coffee with DH. Never underestimate how important your spouse / couple time is.
You’re not being unreasonable! But relax into relatives loving your kids and supporting your life.
Good luck!
x

Sorry, totally focusing on the wrong issue but your MIL bought a couple of bottles herself, also bought formula powder that she then prepped herself before turning up to your house, then had those two bottles of formula somewhere hidden in her bag, unrefrigerated for over 2 hours, then fed it to your babies when they got hungry whilst out on a walk, away from you. Huh!? How old were the twins at that time as you say they are now 15 months old?

Year2parent - because I want to know where my children are I’m a risk to them? That makes no sense, but thanks for your input.

The formula comes in pre-made bottles, so she didn’t buy and mix and walk about with formula she had made in advance. The babies were probably around 8 weeks old at the time. Not saying anything about formula in and of itself, they just weren’t on formula as we were establishing breastfeeding at the time, so it was quite rude in my opinion to be trying to feed them formula behind my back.

I’m not saying at all that I object to her looking after the babies, just that I prefer she doesn’t have them outside of the house on her own. I honestly don’t think that’s unreasonable - you have to appreciate that they are lockdown babies who have only seen their granny a handful of times too.

My parents having them v MIL having them is really a moot point, you can’t just say because one set of people can look after your children all people can look after them. They’re different ages, abilities, states of health.

I also don’t know where the idea that my husband is desperate for his mum to have then kids and I’m saying no has come from. I literally just don’t want them out for a walk on their own, which he agreed with when we spoke about it.

She also has form for not bringing them back when she’s supposed to, or for letting them cry rather than bring them home.
Do you expect your mother to bring them home every time they cry?