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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a bit cheeky or is this ok for you?

178 replies

astarisworn · 22/09/2021 18:09

Partner of 18 months asked me to borrow £150 for a week ,as he got his pay date wrong.
I'm a little Confused. He's never asked to borrow from me before. A man of 45, good job but a lot of outgoings in rent/ maintenance/ travel. He has had some Unexpected expenses this month I guess.
AIBU to think he's a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 23:53

@astarisworn

I absolutely do trust him to pay me back.
No worries then, astarisworn. In your place, I would loan £150 to someone I cared about. He probably felt embarrassed asking you.
Volhhg · 23/09/2021 00:00

I wouldn't be happy with this either. I would say no to him if you feel he's cheeky because he needs to know where you stand on this sort of thing. I am very 'sensible' with my money but understand this isn't everyone's approach.

shamalidacdak · 23/09/2021 04:13

Yeah that's not on. I'd be concerned that you're dating a man who has zero savings

Saoirse82 · 23/09/2021 05:05

Mumsnet is such a weird place at times. How is asking your long term partner to lend you a small amount of cash 'cheeky'? Sounds like its a one off due to a difficult month. And everyone must have savings or LTB! I find it all very odd Confused

steff13 · 23/09/2021 05:35

@LukeEvansWife

Who was trying to be hilarious? 'Ask me to borrow' means 'ask me to request a loan'.

Not sure why people are being so snotty about people misunderstanding

I thought it was a mistake but now I'm confused. Asking the OP to request a loan from whom?
PrincessNutella · 23/09/2021 05:44

Yes, it does seem rather odd. What happened to his credit cards, etc.?

Joystir59 · 23/09/2021 05:50

He didn't 'ask you to borrow' he asked if you would lend him....

nettie434 · 23/09/2021 05:54

It's quite easy for a divorced person in a not particularly well paid job who spends a lot on rent and maintenance not to have a lot of money each month to put into savings.

Of course this could be the thin end of the wedge but as you have never lent him any money before then it's impossible to tell at this stage. If he's generous to you, he may easily have spent a lot more than £150 on you over the past 18 months than you have spent on him.

It would be different if it happened again or if it became clear that he really can't manage his money. A one off short term loan of £150 to help a partner who has been generous to you seems ok to me.

MyOtherProfile · 23/09/2021 05:58

I'd probably lend it then ask him to consider putting a little in a savings account each month in case it happens again.

echt · 23/09/2021 06:05

@astarisworn

I know he has emergency savings but he has those for absolute emergencies ... life and death type emergencies. He needs to sort himself out financially.
This was an emergency. While I recognise that savings accounts accrue a percentage of bugger all, it is not the same as the interest-free loan he's getting from you.

I'm not suggesting you should charge him interest but, as my dear dead dad used to say: Think on.

Pollythecat15 · 23/09/2021 06:54

If it's a one off I wouldn't think anything of it.
If it starts to happen every month, then that's when I would become worried. I'm speaking from past experience with an ex partner.

However, it doesn't sound like this is anything out of the ordinary as a one off. Probably just one of those difficult months.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/09/2021 06:58

It's not cheeky as long as he pays you back.

Not everyone is a high earner.

The man is likely divorced in which case he lost savings and assets during the process.

The OP says he has high outgoings as he pays a lot of maintenance and was supporting his son's move to university. Would you all rather he was a maintenance dodger and then he'd have loads of spare cash?

If you can easily afford to lend him the money then surely you would want to help your DP out?

PersonaNonGarter · 23/09/2021 07:03

The problem is either

a) he has got savings but he thinks the OP is the first port of call (cheeky, immature, lacking responsibility)

  1. he’s lying about the savings

Both are not OK.

And I agree with everyone else who says it’s a weird amount of money to borrow.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/09/2021 07:04

I also don't know why many mumsnetters don't recognise that not everyone can afford to save.

When I was a single parent with 3 kids, mortgage, civil service job, I saved literally nothing. I couldn't afford to. Every penny from my salary and tax credits was accounted for on living costs and childcare.

It wasn't because I had a character failing or was out boozing every night.

YukoandHiro · 23/09/2021 07:32

It's not cheeky, but it sounds like you're not fully aware of his financial situation. I'd do something about that.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 07:44

@THisbackwithavengeance

I also don't know why many mumsnetters don't recognise that not everyone can afford to save.

When I was a single parent with 3 kids, mortgage, civil service job, I saved literally nothing. I couldn't afford to. Every penny from my salary and tax credits was accounted for on living costs and childcare.

It wasn't because I had a character failing or was out boozing every night.

And how many times when you were in that situation did you over spend on a predictable event (like a child stating uni) AND make a mistake about your pay day?

And if you did both of those things, how many times did you borrow money from your boyfriend when you actually had savings?

Something doesn’t add up here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 07:50

I wasn't a single parent and never saved anything either, THisbackwithavengeance, neither did my husband. We got by, had overdrafts and all that. It wasn't until I was older that things seemed to ease off and we found ourselves with surplus money. That was nice!

I can't say it bothered me as long as the bills were paid and we ate. It's good to have a bit behind you for a rainy day but there's no point stressing about it.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/09/2021 07:54

@Cocomarine He does have savings - he doesn’t want to use them, he wants OP to sub them

TractorAndHeadphones · 23/09/2021 07:59

I find it cheeky because he HAS savings and doesn’t want to use them.
Also you mentioned outgoings as ‘travel’. What is he travelling for? Is this travel necessary?

As you said he has a good job but a lot of outgoings + is ‘generous’ I’m inclined to think that he’s not great with money and that’s why you don’t like it.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 08:00

[quote PersonaNonGarter]@Cocomarine He does have savings - he doesn’t want to use them, he wants OP to sub them[/quote]
Yes, I know. That’s why I was pointing out the differences to @THisbackwithavengeance Smile

billy1966 · 23/09/2021 08:46

@astarisworn

I know he has emergency savings but he has those for absolute emergencies ... life and death type emergencies. He needs to sort himself out financially.
Really??

So easier to borrow from you than dip into his savings.

That would absolutely give me the Ick.

A 45 year old man borrowing money?

No thank you OP.

I would be re thinking where you thought this might be going.

ancientgran · 23/09/2021 08:49

@astarisworn

I earn more than him and he's never asked before. His son started uni this month so his outgoings were much bigger than usual.
I remember mine going off to uni and it can be very expensive. I'd do it as it seems understandable to me.
Original poster
astarisworn · 23/09/2021 09:38

I've said I'd give it to him on condition I get it back on his pay date as I told him I will need it.It's a one off.He told me exactly why he got caught short and I know that the reasons are genuine.
Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 23/09/2021 09:55

@MrsRobbieHart

I think this is a classic example of misuse of the word partner. You clearly aren’t partners.
Rubbish. Partner's are not a free loan company. Adults should be standing on their own two feet.
TeeBee · 23/09/2021 10:01

OP, I've been with my partner slightly longer than you've been with yours. I've just lent him thousands for a project (but that's more for me because I didn't see the point in him getting a loan when I had the money sitting there...I hate debt). He would have NEVER asked me, he'd have been mortified and would have taken a loan first. He earns way less than I do but still wouldn't ask.

I think I'd have the same concerns as you that your partner doesn't have a financial safety net (or one that he's not prepared to use when he's over-spent) so I think its worth observing whether this becomes a regular thing or whether it is just a one-off based on his current circumstances. Getting kids set up at uni is very costly so I get that. But yeah, a partner who asks to be bailed out financially is not attractive to me, whatever sex. So I'd probably wait and see whether its a pattern.